Watch and Learn - Jon Stewart Critiques Trump's WHCD Set & Klepper Eyes Fauci's Explosive Diary

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

MUSIC PLAYING

The United States and Iran taking a hydration break.

The United States and Iran taking a hydration break

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

A welcome cessation of hostilities, the respite

A welcome cessation of hostilities the respite

gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the Strait

of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White

House Correspondents Dinner.

House Correspondents Dinner

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy,

The other day a senator I knew got a text a great guy

from his wife.

from his wife

And she said, when you get home,

And she said when you get home

I want to have you immediately come up the stairs

and make love to me.

and make love to me

And he said, I can't do both.

And he said I can't do both

You know?

You know

In other words, you can't go up the stairs and make love.

In other words you can't go up the stairs and make love

Does anybody get that?

Does anybody get that

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You know, normally, I'd say don't quit your day job,

You know normally I'd say don't quit your day job

but in this case.

but in this case

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

I will make--

I will make-

I will make an exception.

I will make an exception

Yes, Friday night was the White House Correspondents Dinner

Yes Friday night was the White House Correspondents Dinner

part deux, where the media elite

part deux where the media elite

got to hobnob with hobgoblins.

got to hobnob with hobgoblins

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

If you remember, the first attempt

If you remember the first attempt

ended prematurely by, let's say, very intense heckling.

ended prematurely by let's say very intense heckling

The frightening scene prevented the President

from delivering his humorous remarks, prepared remarks,

from delivering his humorous remarks prepared remarks

which was a shame, because if there's

which was a shame because if there's

one thing that President Trump is known for,

one thing that President Trump is known for

it's his joyful love of mirth.

it's his joyful love of mirth

We all know that he has a great sense of humor.

We all know that he has a great sense of humor

He's going to deliver a really good speech.

He's going to deliver a really good speech

I mean, he's funny.

I mean he's funny

He is a hilarious entertainer.

He is a hilarious entertainer

His comedic timing is really good.

His comedic timing is really good

If he hadn't become president, he could have

If he hadn't become president he could have

become a stand-up comedian.

become a stand-up comedian

This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents

we've ever had.

we've ever had

I think Trump's the funniest president of all time.

I think Trump's the funniest president of all time

Funny how?

Funny how

How the [BLEEP] is he funny?

How the BLEEP is he funny

Does he amuse you?

Does he amuse you

How the [BLEEP]?

How the BLEEP

What's so [BLEEP] funny?

What's so BLEEP funny

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

No seriously.

No seriously

I am asking you.

I am asking you

Because when I was watching him do that one joke,

Because when I was watching him do that one joke

he doesn't seem very funny at all.

he doesn't seem very funny at all

Hey, but you know what, man?

Hey but you know what man

Look, I've been in that situation.

Look I've been in that situation

We all try new material.

We all try new material

Doesn't go, you move on to the next one.

Doesn't go you move on to the next one

You cannot judge Trump's whole hour long special

just based on that one joke.

just based on that one joke

Mr. President, what else you got?

Mr President what else you got

The UFC Freedom 250 fight, I'm

The UFC Freedom 250 fight I'm

pleased to announce that we're going

to host an even bigger one right in front of the White

House every Friday night.

House every Friday night

See, this is great.

See this is great

Simple premise.

Simple premise

Easy refillable.

Easy refillable

We're going to be hosting more fights.

We're going to be hosting more fights

So these are just going to be jokes

about who's on the card, what the fights are going to be.

about who's on the card what the fights are going to be

It's simple-- setup, punchline.

It's simple- setup punchline

Or--

Or-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

It's every Friday night, every Saturday night--

It's every Friday night every Saturday night-

we're going to have fights in front of the White House.

we're going to have fights in front of the White House

But we do have something coming-- and I'm only kidding.

But we do have something coming- and I'm only kidding

You know, the one thing--

You know the one thing-

we are going to have an Indy 500.

we are going to have an Indy 500

Roger Penske is coming.

Roger Penske is coming

Germany, Japan, all these countries,

Germany Japan all these countries

they spend billions and billions of dollars

trying to win the Indy 500.

trying to win the Indy 500

On July 4, we were over at the mall, and it was raining.

On July 4 we were over at the mall and it was raining

It was supposed to be really bad, again.

It was supposed to be really bad again

And we didn't do it the following day.

And we didn't do it the following day

And we didn't do it two weeks later.

And we didn't do it two weeks later

We did it when we were supposed to do it.

We did it when we were supposed to do it

It was a fantastic celebration.

It was a fantastic celebration

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You set up the premise, and then you

You set up the premise and then you

just walk off into the street?

just walk off into the street

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

My boss is so cheap--

My boss is so cheap-

AUDIENCE: How cheap is he?

AUDIENCE: How cheap is he

Well, before I get to that, it was raining and--

Well before I get to that it was raining and-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

The guy went four minutes before introducing the first

joke fight in his own premise.

joke fight in his own premise

But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening

that for the heaviest of the heavyweights,

that for the heaviest of the heavyweights

we will have sloppy Chris Christie,

we will have sloppy Chris Christie

one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever

meet fighting--

meet fighting-

I would say, I could mention the Governor of Chicago,

I would say I could mention the Governor of Chicago

but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler.

but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler

Oh, my god.

Oh my god

You don't tell us you're changing

the target of your roast joke halfway

through the [BLEEP] joke.

through the BLEEP joke

We don't know the target.

We don't know the target

Just change it.

Just change it

Don't say, I was going to make fun of the Governor

Don't say I was going to make fun of the Governor

of Illinois, but Jerry Nadler.

of Illinois but Jerry Nadler

And, by the way, are there two more

And by the way are there two more

relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadle?

relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadle

Ooh, wait till the former Governor of New Jersey

Ooh wait till the former Governor of New Jersey

and outgoing congressional District

12 Representative of New York get a load of this.

12 Representative of New York get a load of this

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Their careers will continue to have been over.

Their careers will continue to have been over

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

But, look, I-- you know what?

But look I- you know what

The walk doesn't matter as much as the destination.

The walk doesn't matter as much as the destination

Land this joke.

Land this joke

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake

Big, fat piece of cheesecake.

Big fat piece of cheesecake

Who the hell wrote that line?

Who the hell wrote that line

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Who the hell wrote that line?

Who the hell wrote that line

It sounds like you.

It sounds like you

It sounds exactly like something you would say.

It sounds exactly like something you would say

Look, this is a solid premise.

Look this is a solid premise

Let's try this again.

Let's try this again

Here's an easy joke to land with this premise.

Here's an easy joke to land with this premise

Oh, and tonight, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming

Oh and tonight I'm proud to announce the next upcoming

fight at the White House--

fight at the White House-

AOC will face off against her greatest

enemy, a simple question about foreign policy.

enemy a simple question about foreign policy

See, it's simple.

See it's simple

Give that joke-- give that joke a go.

Give that joke- give that joke a go

And then you have a Congresswoman,

And then you have a Congresswoman

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez--

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez-

ACO plus three.

ACO plus three

That's the three friends, right?

That's the three friends right

AOC plus three.

AOC plus three

And I watched her give that answer

when she was over in Europe.

when she was over in Europe

It was not a good answer.

It was not a good answer

If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics.

If I ever gave that answer I would be out of politics

You don't have to talk about what you saw.

You don't have to talk about what you saw

You cannot have a 19-second wait time.

You cannot have a 19-second wait time

Just [BLEEP] do the joke.

Just BLEEP do the joke

Simple question.

Simple question

But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme, simple

But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme simple

question on a foreign policy.

question on a foreign policy

Nobody knows what you're saying now.

Nobody knows what you're saying now

It was a big security conference,

It was a big security conference

and this was her first time up in terms of that.

and this was her first time up in terms of that

No.

You don't do jokes like you're reading

them for the first time.

them for the first time

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

God.

God

He's putting 10 pounds of roast jokes into a 5-pound bag.

He's putting 10 pounds of roast jokes into a 5-pound bag

It doesn't work this way.

It doesn't work this way

There are rules to these things.

There are rules to these things

Look, let's just-- obviously, the more complex

Look let's just- obviously the more complex

jokes you're not going to be able to handle.

jokes you're not going to be able to handle

Let's just stick to simple burns.

Let's just stick to simple burns

Simple burns.

Simple burns

You can't [BLEEP] that up.

You can't BLEEP that up

Look, here we go.

Look here we go

Here's what I'll do for you.

Here's what I'll do for you

I'll bring out-- here's what we're going to do.

I'll bring out- here's what we're going to do

I'm going to help you along, ready?

I'm going to help you along ready

[DRUMMING] That's what we're going to do.

DRUMMING That's what we're going to do

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Here's what we're going to do.

Here's what we're going to do

We got the rim shot.

We got the rim shot

We're going to do simple burns.

We're going to do simple burns

You can't [BLEEP] these up with your little wandering off

You can't BLEEP these up with your little wandering off

weaves go.

weaves go

So they thought about going with a professional clown

for entertainment, but Adam "Shifty"

for entertainment but Adam Shifty

Schiff was not available.

Schiff was not available

He's known-- I called him--

He's known- I called him-

I hate some people.

I hate some people

I shouldn't say this.

I shouldn't say this

I'm not supposed to hate.

I'm not supposed to hate

I'm supposed to love everybody.

I'm supposed to love everybody

But he's a terrible person.

But he's a terrible person

He's a liar.

He's a liar

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[SOFT RIM SHOT]

SOFT RIM SHOT

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Traditionally, roasts work because at the heart of it all,

Traditionally roasts work because at the heart of it all

you only roast the ones you love.

you only roast the ones you love

Saying you hate someone in the middle of the joke

really takes a lot of the pleasure--

really takes a lot of the pleasure-

Don Rickles might not have been the sensation he was, might not

Don Rickles might not have been the sensation he was might not

have been so beloved if he ended his act with, no,

have been so beloved if he ended his act with no

seriously, [BLEEP] the Japanese.

seriously BLEEP the Japanese

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I don't like them as people.

I don't like them as people

Try again.

Try again

And I called him watermelon head because he has

the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck--

the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck-

pencil neck.

pencil neck

How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a little pencil?

How does that big fat ugly head stand on a little pencil

Pencil.

Pencil

Pencil neck.

Pencil neck

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

OK, there's probably something in there.

OK there's probably something in there

But you might not be the perfect messenger

to deliver a roast about someone's big, fat, ugly head.

to deliver a roast about someone's big fat ugly head

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

It's another rule of roasting.

It's another rule of roasting

It's just a different--

It's just a different-

very tough to land solid jokes about something

you yourself clearly suffer from.

you yourself clearly suffer from

Although, admittedly, your big, fat, ugly head sits on what

Although admittedly your big fat ugly head sits on what

appears to be not a pencil, but a big, fat, ugly neck.

appears to be not a pencil but a big fat ugly neck

So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.

So maybe the joke is a proportion issue

Hard to point out the pencil neck

when your mug sits on what looks

like a rhinoceros' vagina.

like a rhinoceros' vagina

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

[REPEATED RIM SHOTS]

REPEATED RIM SHOTS

It's a rental.

It's a rental

Honestly, the only funny part of the jokes

Honestly the only funny part of the jokes

was watching the crowd's reactions.

was watching the crowd's reactions

It was a melange of confusion, boredom,

It was a melange of confusion boredom

shock, and, at one point, a literal existential crisis.

shock and at one point a literal existential crisis

An existential-- here's the one thing

An existential- here's the one thing

you never want from your audience at a comedy show.

you never want from your audience at a comedy show

You never want the audience at your comedy

show to clearly be rethinking the choices

that led them to that night.

that led them to that night

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Why did I go to grad school?

Why did I go to grad school

The audience was so distraught and perplexed that, at times,

The audience was so distraught and perplexed that at times

it was difficult to discern whether you were watching

their reactions to Trump bombing

at this dinner or their reactions

to a gunman interrupting the last one.

to a gunman interrupting the last one

Which brings us to the hottest game show of the summer season.

Which brings us to the hottest game show of the summer season

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Shooting or Bombing?

Shooting or Bombing

Number one, milling about, some smiling, some are filming,

Number one milling about some smiling some are filming

a general sense of eh.

a general sense of eh

It's a good mix of schmooze, humor, a hint

It's a good mix of schmooze humor a hint

of concern or confusion.

of concern or confusion

The correct answer, shooting aftermath.

The correct answer shooting aftermath

That was after the shooting aftermath.

That was after the shooting aftermath

Let's go to number two.

Let's go to number two

Sadness and shock.

Sadness and shock

What happened?

What happened

How could this have happened?

How could this have happened

The correct answer--

The correct answer-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Bombing.

Bombing

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

This dude-- that's the face he made

This dude- that's the face he made

while Trump was telling jokes.

while Trump was telling jokes

Look at his face.

Look at his face

He's literally like, is anyone going to stop this madman?

He's literally like is anyone going to stop this madman

People are going to get hurt.

People are going to get hurt

Here's the next one.

Here's the next one

Let's see.

Let's see

OK, is that the shooting or the bombing?

OK is that the shooting or the bombing

OK.

All right.

All right

Obviously, that was after the shooting.

Obviously that was after the shooting

I knew you would get it pretty easy.

I knew you would get it pretty easy

I just wanted to remind everybody

that the night of the shooting, RFK, Jr.

that the night of the shooting RFK Jr

left his wife to fend for herself.

left his wife to fend for herself

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

No.

There was no trick to it, I just

There was no trick to it I just

thought that was like, the most [BLEEP]

thought that was like the most BLEEP

up thing I'd ever seen in my life.

up thing I'd ever seen in my life

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Only room for one in the limo.

Only room for one in the limo

Here's another quick roast rule--

Here's another quick roast rule-

try not to build a whole routine around a premise

that's no longer operable.

that's no longer operable

You can't have somebody like a JB Pritzker,

You can't have somebody like a JB Pritzker

who I understand is not present,

who I understand is not present

sadly-- but some people say never use the fat word.

sadly- but some people say never use the fat word

And I don't.

And I don't

I would never call anybody fat.

I would never call anybody fat

I have my own problems.

I have my own problems

It's not like I'm perfect.

It's not like I'm perfect

Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig, OK?

Sir in the back don't call him a fat pig OK

You can't call JB Pritzker a fat pig, please.

You can't call JB Pritzker a fat pig please

Actually, he's lost a lot of weight.

Actually he's lost a lot of weight

I saw him recently, he lost quite a bit of weight.

I saw him recently he lost quite a bit of weight

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Then why did you bring it up?

Then why did you bring it up

Your mother's so fat--

Your mother's so fat-

although now, obviously, she's on the GLP-1s.

although now obviously she's on the GLP-1s

And, I mean, she does, if I'm being honest, looks fantastic.

And I mean she does if I'm being honest looks fantastic

I mean, here's what--

I mean here's what-

years ago, when she sat around the house,

years ago when she sat around the house

she really sat-- although I can't say that now, she looks--

she really sat- although I can't say that now she looks-

I mean, 50.

I mean 50

The point is this, your mother was so fat--

The point is this your mother was so fat-

I'm glad she got the help she needed.

I'm glad she got the help she needed

Listen--

Listen-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

The health benefit, god willing,

The health benefit god willing

she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walk.

she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walk

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry

The deeper problem for Trump is that last weekend revealed

he has lived so long in a magical world

of his own creation, curated for his comfort

of his own creation curated for his comfort

and positive reinforcement.

and positive reinforcement

He's the ultimate snowflake, rewarded

He's the ultimate snowflake rewarded

with unearned participation trophy laughs

that he doesn't even know what's actually funny

Because everything he says is funny in his Truman

Show of an administration.

Show of an administration

I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavier.

I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavier

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Boy, you said the right thing.

Boy you said the right thing

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

That would have been the end of Kroger.

That would have been the end of Kroger

Good steel as opposed to green paper mache.

Good steel as opposed to green paper mache

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

They do treat me well, Sharpie.

They do treat me well Sharpie

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[STUDIO LAUGHTER]

STUDIO LAUGHTER

But, of course, the night demonstrated another hard truth

But of course the night demonstrated another hard truth

about Donald Trump's administration--

about Donald Trump's administration-

that whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold

front of reality, there's no one to blame but everyone else.

front of reality there's no one to blame but everyone else

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake

Big fat piece of cheesecake.

Big fat piece of cheesecake

Who the hell wrote that line?

Who the hell wrote that line

She wasn't high up on her totem pole.

She wasn't high up on her totem pole

Who the hell wrote that?

Who the hell wrote that

That was actually the only thing

I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech

that they wrote.

that they wrote

That was the only good one.

That was the only good one

And that went down with not exactly great laughter.

And that went down with not exactly great laughter

You know what they say--

You know what they say-

a great carpenter always blames his tools.

a great carpenter always blames his tools

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

And Donald Trump is surrounded by tools.

And Donald Trump is surrounded by tools

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

But no matter how his writers--

But no matter how his writers-

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

[RIM SHOT]

RIM SHOT

But no matter how his writers let him down,

But no matter how his writers let him down

boy, Trump just kept digging.

boy Trump just kept digging

Tried to make a simple joke about Kaitlan Collins,

Tried to make a simple joke about Kaitlan Collins

but, unfortunately triggered himself in the process,

but unfortunately triggered himself in the process

turning the entire event into a Festivus grievance miracle.

turning the entire event into a Festivus grievance miracle

But I want to personally congratulate

CNN's Kaitlan Collins on receiving her award.

CNN's Kaitlan Collins on receiving her award

It was all about me.

It was all about me

It's a fake-- she shouldn't get the award.

It's a fake- she shouldn't get the award

It was a fake, but I didn't mind.

It was a fake but I didn't mind

I said, Kaitlan, congratulations.

I said Kaitlan congratulations

But it was fake.

But it was fake

There's no question about it.

There's no question about it

But she's a young, attractive woman.

But she's a young attractive woman

She never smiles.

She never smiles

I said, Kaitlan, do you ever smile?

I said Kaitlan do you ever smile

Smile.

Smile

You have a nice position.

You have a nice position

You're at CNN fake news.

You're at CNN fake news

You should be a happy person.

You should be a happy person

So smile, Kaitlan.

So smile Kaitlan

Just smile.

Just smile

My favorite thing that is Wolf

Blitzer kept looking over like, you want me to [BLEEP] him up?

Blitzer kept looking over like you want me to BLEEP him up

I'll go [BLEEP] him up.

I'll go BLEEP him up

You want me to get a piece of him?

You want me to get a piece of him

I'll go get a piece of him.

I'll go get a piece of him

I'll go right up there.

I'll go right up there

I'll slap the shit out of him.

I'll slap the shit out of him

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

I'll Will Smith that mother [BLEEP]

I'll Will Smith that mother BLEEP

You want me to go up there?

You want me to go up there

Keep Kaitlan Collins' name--

Keep Kaitlan Collins' name-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Look, this was a bad night.

Look this was a bad night

Don't take my word for it.

Don't take my word for it

Even Trump's cadre of media fanboys and girls

had to admit it.

had to admit it

I've seen him be very funny.

I've seen him be very funny

And so I think he could have been a lot funnier.

And so I think he could have been a lot funnier

I think it's a missed opportunity.

I think it's a missed opportunity

It really had no positive effect on anybody,

It really had no positive effect on anybody

including him.

including him

I think it could have been a lot shorter

and it could have been punchier.

and it could have been punchier

Some of the jokes veered off into very sort

of ornery insults.

of ornery insults

And that's not going to land for many audiences.

And that's not going to land for many audiences

That guy couldn't polish this turd?

That guy couldn't polish this turd

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

That guy, who spends his days bending over

That guy who spends his days bending over

backwards to figure out how to tell you that the war in Iran

is good?

is good

Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on this mother [BLEEP]

Even he's like I can't put lipstick on this mother BLEEP

Look, beyond the fact that Trump was terrible,

Look beyond the fact that Trump was terrible

the dinner should not have happened at all.

the dinner should not have happened at all

In fact, it shouldn't ever happen.

In fact it shouldn't ever happen

Quite frankly, memorializing the collegial and cozy

Quite frankly memorializing the collegial and cozy

relationship between the press and those that they cover

is, at best, a very bad look in normal times.

is at best a very bad look in normal times

I don't need to see the cops and robbers

getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code.

getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code

You can celebrate the First Amendment

without asking your opponent in that fight what he thinks.

without asking your opponent in that fight what he thinks

You already know what he thinks.

You already know what he thinks

We are a nation that no longer

has a free and fair press.

has a free and fair press

Fake news is all you get.

Fake news is all you get

Fake news, fake reporting is what's

Fake news fake reporting is what's

tearing this country apart.

tearing this country apart

These corrupt press-- they're corrupt.

These corrupt press- they're corrupt

Crooked, dishonest media.

Crooked dishonest media

Just horrible people.

Just horrible people

These are horrible people.

These are horrible people

They're sick and evil people. Real scum.

They're sick and evil people Real scum

Real dishonest people.

Real dishonest people

They're so bad for the country.

They're so bad for the country

It's almost treasonous.

It's almost treasonous

I have to be honest.

I have to be honest

It's almost treasonous.

It's almost treasonous

They are truly the enemy of the people.

They are truly the enemy of the people

Who wants dessert?

Who wants dessert

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I'll fight you for the last piece of cheesecake.

I'll fight you for the last piece of cheesecake

Look, as much as I enjoy Donald Trump having to squirm

Look as much as I enjoy Donald Trump having to squirm

through Wolf Blitzer describing,

through Wolf Blitzer describing

in vivid detail, why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting

in vivid detail why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting

award, it was the end of that tour de force that

award it was the end of that tour de force that

demonstrated the perverse bargain,

demonstrated the perverse bargain

the entire night encapsulated.

the entire night encapsulated

The Journal's courageous reporting on President

Trump's past relationship with financier Jeffrey Epstein

triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files,

triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files

thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained

hidden from the public.

hidden from the public

And, despite the President's threat of a lawsuit,

And despite the President's threat of a lawsuit

The Journal published a story about a provocative letter

to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature.

to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature

I love that he had to sit through that.

I love that he had to sit through that

Wolf should have just kept going.

Wolf should have just kept going

I mean, you should have seen the shit they didn't release.

I mean you should have seen the shit they didn't release

I mean, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

I mean this guy knows what I'm talking about

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

But it was the next moment that,

But it was the next moment that

for me, solidified that this event is worse than pro forma.

for me solidified that this event is worse than pro forma

It's actually an act of submission.

It's actually an act of submission

WOLF BLITZER: Trump quickly filed a $20 billion

WOLF BLITZER: Trump quickly filed a 20 billion

lawsuit against The Journal, revealing reporter Khadeeja

lawsuit against The Journal revealing reporter Khadeeja

Safdar's home address.

Safdar's home address

Her family had to be relocated.

Her family had to be relocated

[JON SARCASTICALLY LAUGHING]

JON SARCASTICALLY LAUGHING

I'm a little stinker.

I'm a little stinker

She wrote an objectively true story

about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein,

about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein

and I got her life threatened.

and I got her life threatened

Did I do that?

Did I do that

I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at him.

I mean you'd think you'd all be mad at him

But they're all in there just schnicking it up.

But they're all in there just schnicking it up

So he just gets to shake hands with the leaders

of a profession, with the leaders of a profession whose

of a profession with the leaders of a profession whose

members he has subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut

members he has subpoenaed arrested sued cut

their funding, threatened their licenses, barred their access,

their funding threatened their licenses barred their access

and even had [BLEEP] deported.

and even had BLEEP deported

And the sad truth is, if Trump had known

And the sad truth is if Trump had known

he could win an award for that Epstein story,

he could win an award for that Epstein story

well, he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself.

well he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself

[RIM SHOT]

RIM SHOT

Let's start in my home state of Michigan,

Let's start in my home state of Michigan

which is Ojibwe for "we're saving up to move to Chicago."

which is Ojibwe for we're saving up to move to Chicago

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yesterday, President Trump visited a GM auto facility,

Yesterday President Trump visited a GM auto facility

where he Kim Jong-un'd his way down the display floor,

where he Kim Jong-un'd his way down the display floor

checked to see if a car was cake,

checked to see if a car was cake

and, apparently, got tricked into signing a lease.

and apparently got tricked into signing a lease

Dottie, Dottie, don't get that rust proofing, OK?

Dottie Dottie don't get that rust proofing OK

It's a scam. Trust me.

It's a scam Trust me

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

By the way, I know we always rag on Trump for being weird,

By the way I know we always rag on Trump for being weird

but knocking on the car hood is probably the most

normal thing he's ever done.

normal thing he's ever done

There is not a dad in the world who can walk past a new car

without rapping on the hood to check that build quality.

without rapping on the hood to check that build quality

Like, yeah, yeah, that's a car.

Like yeah yeah that's a car

That checks out.

That checks out

Yeah yeah.

Yeah yeah

You know what?

You know what

At least this tour went a lot better than the last time

Trump visited a car facility in Michigan

back in January, which, if you remember, went like this.

back in January which if you remember went like this

REPORTER: As the President toured a Ford manufacturing

factory, this moment caught on camera and video obtained

factory this moment caught on camera and video obtained

by TMZ-- one man shouting at the President,

by TMZ- one man shouting at the President

"pedophile protector."

pedophile protector

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

AUDIENCE GASPING

Wow.

Wow

Show some respect for the office.

Show some respect for the office

That's President Pedophile Protector.

That's President Pedophile Protector

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Respect.

Respect

Come on, Michigander.

Come on Michigander

Look, it was an embarrassing event for all involved.

Look it was an embarrassing event for all involved

Luckily, this time, Trump made it through his whole tour

Luckily this time Trump made it through his whole tour

without a hitch.

without a hitch

And he was able to move on to his speech.

And he was able to move on to his speech

The trade deficit in automobiles

was more than $300 billion annually.

was more than 300 billion annually

That means outside countries and companies were coming

in and just robbing us blind.

in and just robbing us blind

And it was causing tremendous problems for your jobs.

And it was causing tremendous problems for your jobs

MAN: Pedophile protector!

MAN: Pedophile protector

But now, all of that is changing because I placed a--

But now all of that is changing because I placed a-

Oh, why does this keep happening?

Oh why does this keep happening

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Is it the same guy?

Is it the same guy

Is it something in the water?

Is it something in the water

Is it because Trump withheld millions of Epstein files

and people are furious that no one has been held

accountable for it? We'll never know.

accountable for it We'll never know

But come on, Donald, this will not stand.

But come on Donald this will not stand

Hit him with a comeback.

Hit him with a comeback

He's a communist.

He's a communist

He's a communist.

He's a communist

Oh OK.

Oh OK

If you're wondering, communist is the opposite of pedophile.

If you're wondering communist is the opposite of pedophile

We--

We-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

We all remember watching Karl Marx

hosting To Catch a Predator.

hosting To Catch a Predator

So, I mean, maybe this is the political spectrum now.

So I mean maybe this is the political spectrum now

Like, I'm just a straight down the middle type of guy--

Like I'm just a straight down the middle type of guy-

fiscally communist, socially pedophile.

fiscally communist socially pedophile

Well, look, my fellow Michiganders, please

Well look my fellow Michiganders please

stop shouting crazy shit at Donald Trump.

stop shouting crazy shit at Donald Trump

He was elected to shout crazy shit at us.

He was elected to shout crazy shit at us

Continue.

Continue

For years, you watched companies move production

For years you watched companies move production

from America down to Mehiho.

from America down to Mehiho

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

Down to where?

Down to where

Mehiho.

Mehiho

Oh.

He's saying it that way on purpose.

He's saying it that way on purpose

Next question.

Next question

Why?

Why

There's a very nice president of Mexico.

There's a very nice president of Mexico

You know that.

You know that

She's very nice, and she speaks beautifully.

She's very nice and she speaks beautifully

And she calls it Mehiho.

And she calls it Mehiho

Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Please meet with China next week.

Please meet with China next week

Please meet with China next week.

Please meet with China next week

Please meet with China next week.

Please meet with China next week

Ooh.

Ooh

And while Trump is ranting about Mehiho,

And while Trump is ranting about Mehiho

just down the road, they're opening

just down the road they're opening

a new international trade route between the US and Canada.

a new international trade route between the US and Canada

Or, as Donald Trump calls it, Canaha.

Or as Donald Trump calls it Canaha

It's called the Gordie Howe International Bridge.

It's called the Gordie Howe International Bridge

It connects Michigan and Ontario

in a symbolic, unifying moment between the two countries.

in a symbolic unifying moment between the two countries

Today was supposed to be this unifying moment between the two

countries, but, instead, it's sort of dripping with a stain.

countries but instead it's sort of dripping with a stain

And that's because, at the 11th hour, Trump

And that's because at the 11th hour Trump

imposed these 50% tariffs.

imposed these 50 tariffs

They were actually supposed to have a joint ribbon cutting

between the two countries.

between the two countries

Instead, Canada hosted their own without a single US

Instead Canada hosted their own without a single US

elected official in sight.

elected official in sight

Oh.

It's so heartbreaking to see mom and dad fighting like this.

It's so heartbreaking to see mom and dad fighting like this

And to the bridge, it's not your fault. Think

And to the bridge it's not your fault Think

of it this way, little Gordie-- you get

of it this way little Gordie- you get

to have two Christmases, OK?

to have two Christmases OK

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

And even if Trump isn't excited for this bridge,

And even if Trump isn't excited for this bridge

Michiganders are.

Michiganders are

And that's why Michigan's local news offered rudimentary bridge

driving tips.

driving tips

And I mean very rudimentary.

And I mean very rudimentary

MSP pushed out an important warning for anyone who

plans to use the new bridge.

plans to use the new bridge

First, check this out-- don't stop on the bridge

First check this out- don't stop on the bridge

or exit your vehicle.

or exit your vehicle

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Great tip.

Great tip

Let me write this one down.

Let me write this one down

Stay in car while driving.

Stay in car while driving

Great.

Great

Awesome.

Awesome

Thank you, Andre 1000.

Thank you Andre 1000

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it

Do you have any more advanced tips for bridge driving?

Do you have any more advanced tips for bridge driving

Follow all posted traffic signs and message boards.

Follow all posted traffic signs and message boards

Obey posted speed limits.

Obey posted speed limits

Drive for the current traffic conditions.

Drive for the current traffic conditions

Stay focused on the road and put away any distractions.

Stay focused on the road and put away any distractions

Buckle up every time, every trip.

Buckle up every time every trip

Buckle my seat belt?

Buckle my seat belt

That's not even bridge specific.

That's not even bridge specific

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

This is just a driver's ed class.

This is just a driver's ed class

I mean, why am I even taking driving tips from a guy

I mean why am I even taking driving tips from a guy

who looks like he only travels by hot air balloon?

who looks like he only travels by hot air balloon

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Why are you talking like this is the first bridge

Michigan has ever seen?

Michigan has ever seen

Stop treating us like we're stupid.

Stop treating us like we're stupid

We're not Ohio.

We're not Ohio

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

AUDIENCE GASPING

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

We're not.

We're not

But let's move on, because Trump isn't

But let's move on because Trump isn't

just beefing with Canada.

just beefing with Canada

He's also beefing with the entire rest of the world.

He's also beefing with the entire rest of the world

He's losing his war with Iran.

He's losing his war with Iran

He's losing his war with Yemen.

He's losing his war with Yemen

He's somehow losing Ukraine's war with Russia.

He's somehow losing Ukraine's war with Russia

And now, it looks like he's even losing his war on drugs.

And now it looks like he's even losing his war on drugs

After bombing dozens of boats and hundreds of deaths,

After bombing dozens of boats and hundreds of deaths

a DEA assessment reportedly shows Operation Southern Spear,

a DEA assessment reportedly shows Operation Southern Spear

which started in September, has not

which started in September has not

reduced the amount or even the purity of cocaine

flowing into this country by sea.

flowing into this country by sea

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah

Let's [BLEEP] go.

Let's BLEEP go

Woo!

Woo

I mean, another policy failure from the Trump administration.

I mean another policy failure from the Trump administration

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yes, somehow the cocaine in America

Yes somehow the cocaine in America

is not only still plentiful, but, according

is not only still plentiful but according

to DEA officials and my stockbroker, Cody,

to DEA officials and my stockbroker Cody

it's that good shit.

it's that good shit

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I'm confused, how has the tactic

I'm confused how has the tactic

of blowing up random fishing boats

not stopped all drug traffic?

not stopped all drug traffic

The Trump administration's strikes on alleged narco

terrorists have only encouraged drug lords

to find new ways to bring narcotics

into the United States.

into the United States

Yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah

Of course drug lords found new ways.

Of course drug lords found new ways

These are the same people who found a way to sneak

in a powder using your butt.

in a powder using your butt

They're pretty good at problem solving.

They're pretty good at problem solving

They probably all got in a room and were like, all right, we're

They probably all got in a room and were like all right we're

going to crack this drug smuggling nut,

going to crack this drug smuggling nut

we got to pull an all nighter.

we got to pull an all nighter

But how are we going to stay up all night?

But how are we going to stay up all night

Any ideas? Anybody?

Any ideas Anybody

Anybody?

Anybody

Cody you? Huh?

Cody you Huh

Let's start with the Democratic Party.

Let's start with the Democratic Party

With the way the country is heading,

With the way the country is heading

they are poised to make big gains in the 2026 midterms,

they are poised to make big gains in the 2026 midterms

as long as they stay focused and don't do anything stupid.

as long as they stay focused and don't do anything stupid

New reporting reveals a scammer stole nearly $29,000

New reporting reveals a scammer stole nearly 29000

from the cash strapped Democratic National Committee

last year after posing as Chairman Ken

Martin in a fraudulent email.

Martin in a fraudulent email

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Your 2026 Democratic Party, everyone.

Your 2026 Democratic Party everyone

We will stand up to the rising forces

of authoritarianism and tell them loudly that

our PIN number is 1-0-0-3.

our PIN number is 1-0-0-3

Well, let's move on to someone who probably could still

Well let's move on to someone who probably could still

win an election against the Democratic Party,

win an election against the Democratic Party

Senator Lindsey Graham.

Senator Lindsey Graham

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yesterday was his funeral.

Yesterday was his funeral

And, beforehand, his remains were honored

And beforehand his remains were honored

in the Capitol Rotunda.

in the Capitol Rotunda

Personally, I don't understand this tradition, because, I

Personally I don't understand this tradition because I

mean, that's his office.

mean that's his office

Like, when I die, I don't want to be brought back to work

Like when I die I don't want to be brought back to work

and displayed next to the copy machine.

and displayed next to the copy machine

I want to be shot out of a cannon

straight into the Kalamazoo River,

straight into the Kalamazoo River

as per Klepper family tradition.

as per Klepper family tradition

But the big story was President Trump's appearance

at the funeral, where he made sure

at the funeral where he made sure

that the Tic-Tacs he chewed were the

funeral appropriate mint ones.

funeral appropriate mint ones

I tell you-- now, that is leadership.

I tell you- now that is leadership

This is a nation in mourning.

This is a nation in mourning

There will be another time for citrus adventure.

There will be another time for citrus adventure

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

And then our President and his newly freshened breath

stepped up to the podium and attempted

to say anything nice--

to say anything nice-

anything nice at all.

anything nice at all

No matter how heated things got in Washington,

No matter how heated things got in Washington

virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked Lindsey.

virtually everyone Republican or Democrat liked Lindsey

Well, not everybody, but it sounds good.

Well not everybody but it sounds good

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I can't believe I have to say this to Donald Trump,

I can't believe I have to say this to Donald Trump

but can you just lie to us?

but can you just lie to us

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

It's a memorial.

It's a memorial

You can paint a rosier picture.

You can paint a rosier picture

I didn't go to my Uncle Lou's funeral

and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer.

and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer

I said he was good with numbers, you know?

I said he was good with numbers you know

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Come on, Donnie.

Come on Donnie

You guys spent so much time together.

You guys spent so much time together

Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met.

Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met

As you remember, Lindsey and I did not exactly

As you remember Lindsey and I did not exactly

get off to the best of starts.

get off to the best of starts

Back in 2016, Lindsey said something rather nasty.

Back in 2016 Lindsey said something rather nasty

So, naturally, I did something that I shouldn't have done.

So naturally I did something that I shouldn't have done

I shared his personal cell phone number

with the millions of people that

happened to be watching that particular day

as I made a speech.

as I made a speech

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

OK.

Interesting choice.

Interesting choice

I might have chosen a moment that highlights

Lindsey's character, but I guess the time he got 10,000

Lindsey's character but I guess the time he got 10000

calls from guys named Mike Rotch and Hugh

Jass is also equally good.

Jass is also equally good

But the point is you got off to a bumpy start.

But the point is you got off to a bumpy start

You shared his phone number.

You shared his phone number

But that's all in the past.

But that's all in the past

And I remember the number--

And I remember the number-

202-228-0292, if anybody wants to give it a shot.

202-228-0292 if anybody wants to give it a shot

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Who wants to give it a shot?

Who wants to give it a shot

What do you think is going to happen?

What do you think is going to happen

Do you think the phone's going to start ringing in the casket?

Do you think the phone's going to start ringing in the casket

Lindsey's going to burst out of the coffin

like, I gotta get this.

like I gotta get this

It could be someone trying to book me on a Sunday show.

It could be someone trying to book me on a Sunday show

Also, why do you still know that number?

Also why do you still know that number

I don't even know my wife's number.

I don't even know my wife's number

I just knnow, like, my number and, like, 1-877-CARS4KIDS.

I just knnow like my number and like 1-877-CARS4KIDS

That's it.

That's it

Look, I know Trump is the president.

Look I know Trump is the president

So, of course, he had to speak.

So of course he had to speak

But I do hope that when he's finished,

But I do hope that when he's finished

we get to hear from someone outside of politics

with a more personal relationship

to the late senator.

to the late senator

Fox News host Sean Hannity is next up to give

remarks, to give a eulogy.

remarks to give a eulogy

Sean Hannity?

Sean Hannity

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

They couldn't find a personal friend

that Lindsey loved, like a Predator drone or something?

that Lindsey loved like a Predator drone or something

You know?

You know

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I mean, have our politics and media fused so tightly

I mean have our politics and media fused so tightly

that a premiere guest at a senator's funeral

is a pundit at a right wing network dedicated to parroting

that specific senator's propaganda

in an escalating spiral of grievance and culture

war stoking?

war stoking

I mean, please, please, please, please,

I mean please please please please

please, please, please, please tell me

please please please please tell me

I am being too cynical--

I am being too cynical-

that maybe this isn't all just about propaganda and ratings,

that maybe this isn't all just about propaganda and ratings

and the speech will be a beautiful, touching tribute.

and the speech will be a beautiful touching tribute

Senator Graham was great for ratings.

Senator Graham was great for ratings

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

It's so true, it's so true, it's so true, so true.

It's so true it's so true it's so true so true

Oh, you know what?

Oh you know what

Maybe I have it all wrong.

Maybe I have it all wrong

Maybe the first thing St. Peter checks at the pearly gates

Maybe the first thing St Peter checks at the pearly gates

is the TV ratings.

is the TV ratings

Mother Teresa, you scored a 0.2 with the 18 to 45 demo.

Mother Teresa you scored a 02 with the 18 to 45 demo

Enjoy hell, bitch.

Enjoy hell bitch

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You know what?

You know what

Hannity didn't just come to praise Graham's lasting effect

on sweeps week.

on sweeps week

No, he also wanted to remind people

No he also wanted to remind people

how, in life, Graham so dearly loved proximity to power.

how in life Graham so dearly loved proximity to power

He would have been so honored, Mr. President,

He would have been so honored Mr President

that you were here, Mr. Vice President, that you were here.

that you were here Mr Vice President that you were here

I see the Secretary of State is here.

I see the Secretary of State is here

I see the entire cabinet is here.

I see the entire cabinet is here

Thank you, all of you, each and every one of you.

Thank you all of you each and every one of you

Chief of Staff is here.

Chief of Staff is here

Steve Witkoff is here.

Steve Witkoff is here

Yes.

Yes

My favorite part of the eulogy, the crowd shoutouts section.

My favorite part of the eulogy the crowd shoutouts section

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Steve Witkoff is in the hizzy over here.

Steve Witkoff is in the hizzy over here

What's up, player?

What's up player

I see Marco Rubio over there getting his groove on.

I see Marco Rubio over there getting his groove on

Yeah.

Yeah

Oh, there's Pete Hegseth over there in the back

Oh there's Pete Hegseth over there in the back

at the bar pouring one out.

at the bar pouring one out

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Oh, he's drinking it? Oh, OK.

Oh he's drinking it Oh OK

It's 10:00 AM. You do you, boo.

It's 10:00 AM You do you boo

Do it.

Do it

I'll tell you what, usually at a funeral,

I'll tell you what usually at a funeral

there's some fond speculation about how the deceased is

in a better place.

in a better place

Maybe give us some of that, Sean.

Maybe give us some of that Sean

Lindsey, Mr. President, I'll argue

Lindsey Mr President I'll argue

in my mind probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago.

in my mind probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago

He may have a little more gold than the Oval Office

in his mansion in heaven.

in his mansion in heaven

And I wouldn't be surprised if he added

one big, beautiful ballroom and an arch

one big beautiful ballroom and an arch

somewhere on the property.

somewhere on the property

OK.

Let me get this straight.

Let me get this straight

You're saying that when God asked Lindsey Graham,

You're saying that when God asked Lindsey Graham

"where do you want to spend eternity," Lindsey said,

where do you want to spend eternity Lindsey said

you know that tacky club in Palm Beach that's so ugly,

you know that tacky club in Palm Beach that's so ugly

it became a nickname for botched plastic surgery?

it became a nickname for botched plastic surgery

I want you to stuff a ballroom in it, slap an arch in there,

I want you to stuff a ballroom in it slap an arch in there

and then pack in an Oval Office so I'm living in a Trump

version of backrooms.

version of backrooms

That's my little slice of heaven.

That's my little slice of heaven

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

I mean, OK, with all due respect--

I mean OK with all due respect-

with all due respect, why the [BLEEP] would anyone want that?

with all due respect why the BLEEP would anyone want that

Because he would want to, obviously,

Because he would want to obviously

duplicate his dearest friend in life, you, Mr. President.

duplicate his dearest friend in life you Mr President

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Wow.

Wow

Wow.

Wow

That's really what it has all come down to for Republicans.

That's really what it has all come down to for Republicans

Your entire life is so thoroughly and abjectly reduced

to the ass kissing of one man.

to the ass kissing of one man

And then when you die, other Republicans

And then when you die other Republicans

use your eulogy to continue the ass kissing

in a perpetual motion machine of chapped lips

and lubricated cheeks.

and lubricated cheeks

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

And maybe--

And maybe-

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Maybe-- and maybe, you know what, in some ways,

Maybe- and maybe you know what in some ways

sucking up to Trump is just the best way to honor how

Lindsey Graham lived his life.

Lindsey Graham lived his life

But, surely, there must have been some other thing

But surely there must have been some other thing

this man was known for.

this man was known for

He was extremely hawkish, I will tell you.

He was extremely hawkish I will tell you

He never saw a war that he didn't like.

He never saw a war that he didn't like

Yes.

Yes

That is true.

That is true

Perhaps the man loved Donald Trump,

Perhaps the man loved Donald Trump

but he also loved bombing people.

but he also loved bombing people

Do you guys remember COVID, that thing

Do you guys remember COVID that thing

that briefly turned humans everywhere

into alcoholic indoor cats?

into alcoholic indoor cats

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Remember that era where we lost friends and family

to the Joe Rogan Experience?

to the Joe Rogan Experience

We were trying to flatten the curve or delta the Omicron

or whatever the [BLEEP] we were trying to do.

or whatever the BLEEP we were trying to do

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Regardless, I know that Republicans remember COVID,

Regardless I know that Republicans remember COVID

because ever since the pandemic,

because ever since the pandemic

they've been calling for the arrest

of Doctor Anthony Fauci, who spearheaded

of Doctor Anthony Fauci who spearheaded

America's COVID response.

America's COVID response

And this week, one of his biggest haters

And this week one of his biggest haters

escalated things.

escalated things

Senator Rand Paul has released

Anthony Fauci's diary entries.

Anthony Fauci's diary entries

Ooh.

Ooh

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Doctor Fauci's diaries are out in the open for anyone

to read.

to read

It's going to have all the juice, the evidence,

It's going to have all the juice the evidence

and reveal which variant he had a crush on.

and reveal which variant he had a crush on

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Now, if Rand Paul released Fauci's diaries,

Now if Rand Paul released Fauci's diaries

they must reveal something incriminating.

they must reveal something incriminating

So let's hear what Doctor Anthony Fauci

was trying to keep secret.

was trying to keep secret

REPORTER: Fauci writing, it is not

REPORTER: Fauci writing it is not

hyperbole to say that today, I am

hyperbole to say that today I am

the most famous and talked about person in the country,

the most famous and talked about person in the country

and one of the most recognizable.

and one of the most recognizable

Yeah.

Yeah

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yeah, not really a secret.

Yeah not really a secret

Everyone knew that.

Everyone knew that

I mean, I literally saw Fauci more than I saw my parents,

I mean I literally saw Fauci more than I saw my parents

mostly because they couldn't figure out how

to turn on the Zoom camera.

to turn on the Zoom camera

What else you got?

What else you got

REPORTER: He said, quote, "the press

REPORTER: He said quote the press

still hot and heavy about me.

still hot and heavy about me

Multiple stories per day, directly

Multiple stories per day directly

or indirectly involving me."

or indirectly involving me

Yeah.

Yeah

Again, he was famous.

Again he was famous

We know that.

We know that

A lot of us had Fauci fever.

A lot of us had Fauci fever

I mean, the pandemic made us say crazy things

I mean the pandemic made us say crazy things

or wear crazy things, you know?

or wear crazy things you know

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on.

Oh come on

Come on.

Come on

I'm looking for something with substance,

I'm looking for something with substance

not just embarrassing gossip.

not just embarrassing gossip

In another diary entry, Tony is

In another diary entry Tony is

writing about an Instagram post with supermodel Tyra Banks.

writing about an Instagram post with supermodel Tyra Banks

And Tony Fauci wrote, quote, "one person said that

And Tony Fauci wrote quote one person said that

Tyra was very sexy, but that I was

Tyra was very sexy but that I was

even more sexy than she was."

even more sexy than she was

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Oh, come on.

Oh come on

Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being

called sexier than Tyra Banks?

called sexier than Tyra Banks

If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks,

If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks

I'd write that in my diary.

I'd write that in my diary

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You know what?

You know what

I'd write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks.

I'd write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks

I might even write about being compared favorably

to a Bank of America.

to a Bank of America

I have very low self-esteem.

I have very low self-esteem

Honestly, this just sounds like an old man

Honestly this just sounds like an old man

not realizing how unhinged Instagram comments can be.

not realizing how unhinged Instagram comments can be

Then another commenter used an eggplant and a water splashing

emoji to, from what I understand,

emoji to from what I understand

emulate an ejaculating penis.

emulate an ejaculating penis

Needless to say, a great honor.

Needless to say a great honor

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Look, Rand Paul, Doctor Paul, DJ Pauly Rand,

Look Rand Paul Doctor Paul DJ Pauly Rand

we don't care about Fauci's interactions with celebrities.

we don't care about Fauci's interactions with celebrities

Give us some entries with answers.

Give us some entries with answers

REPORTER: Had great call with Barbra Streisand.

REPORTER: Had great call with Barbra Streisand

I told her that I work listening to her songs

on Alexa.

on Alexa

She really did not know what Alexa was.

She really did not know what Alexa was

I accidentally butt called her later in the evening.

I accidentally butt called her later in the evening

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You butt dialed the Barbra Streisand?

You butt dialed the Barbra Streisand

The funny girl?

The funny girl

The Dolly Levi?

The Dolly Levi

The gentle Mendel?

The gentle Mendel

The Esther Hoffman Howard?

The Esther Hoffman Howard

[ELEVATOR MUSIC]

ELEVATOR MUSIC

So, basically, these diary entries

So basically these diary entries

didn't reveal any shocking revelations about Fauci's

criminal negligence or intent.

criminal negligence or intent

But that didn't stop Republicans

from dragging Fauci into Congress yesterday

and grandstanding on it.

and grandstanding on it

Somewhere along the line, it became all about you.

Somewhere along the line it became all about you

You became a narcissist, and a megalomaniac, and a liar.

You became a narcissist and a megalomaniac and a liar

And you've lied to the American people.

And you've lied to the American people

And you've lied to this body.

And you've lied to this body

Wow.

Wow

Strong start, Senator Josh Hawley.

Strong start Senator Josh Hawley

And, by the way, I love the hair.

And by the way I love the hair

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Love it.

Love it

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Something about that hair, it just makes

Something about that hair it just makes

you look super cool, man.

you look super cool man

And smart.

And smart

No notes.

No notes

All you need to do now is bring it home.

All you need to do now is bring it home

Hit him with a closing line that makes

everyone stand up and cheer.

everyone stand up and cheer

You've done more to harm science

than anybody in my lifetime.

than anybody in my lifetime

And I hope you'll go home and write that in your diary.

And I hope you'll go home and write that in your diary

Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

Thank you Mr Chairman

Is this thing on? Is this thing not on?

Is this thing on Is this thing not on

Let's see, let's see.

Let's see let's see

Anyone here been to Wuhan? Anybody?

Anyone here been to Wuhan Anybody

Anybody?

Anybody

Of course, Republicans weren't just

Of course Republicans weren't just

there for political theater.

there for political theater

They were hoping to get Fauci to say something on the record

that they could use to incriminate him.

that they could use to incriminate him

Unfortunately for them, Fauci had an answer for everything.

Unfortunately for them Fauci had an answer for everything

Excuse me-- one answer for everything.

Excuse me- one answer for everything

Are you disappointed how you handled COVID?

Are you disappointed how you handled COVID

Do you have any regrets?

Do you have any regrets

On the advice of counsel, I respectfully

On the advice of counsel I respectfully

decline to answer based upon my rights

under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution.

under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution

On the advice--

On the advice-

On the advice of counsel, I respectfully--

On the advice of counsel I respectfully-

Respectfully. Decline--

Respectfully Decline-

Decline--

Decline-

Decline to answer under the Fifth Amendment.

Decline to answer under the Fifth Amendment

I respectfully decline to answer.

I respectfully decline to answer

What color tie are you wearing?

What color tie are you wearing

On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer.

On the advice of counsel I respectfully decline to answer

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Oh OK.

Oh OK

All right.

All right

Oh, you won't talk, huh?

Oh you won't talk huh

Don't worry, boys.

Don't worry boys

I got a question for him--

I got a question for him-

Doctor Fauci, what's your favorite Barbra Streisand song?

Doctor Fauci what's your favorite Barbra Streisand song

I respectfully decline to answer.

I respectfully decline to answer

Damn it.

Damn it

He's good.

He's good

He's very good.

He's very good

So, Fauci answered every question by invoking

So Fauci answered every question by invoking

his right to remain silent.

his right to remain silent

Well, nice try, doc.

Well nice try doc

But your silence speaks volumes.

But your silence speaks volumes

I'm no body language expert, but we're going

I'm no body language expert but we're going

to have one in a few minutes.

to have one in a few minutes

Let me show you this.

Let me show you this

You ever see Mr. Burns on The Simpsons?

You ever see Mr Burns on The Simpsons

I still love The Simpsons.

I still love The Simpsons

And he did this thing with the hands a lot--

And he did this thing with the hands a lot-

fingertips on fingertips.

fingertips on fingertips

What do you make of that?

What do you make of that

It says something.

It says something

It has to say something, right?

It has to say something right

Otherwise, this whole segment would be stupid.

Otherwise this whole segment would be stupid

I'd look like the biggest dipshit on TV.

I'd look like the biggest dipshit on TV

And while I have a body language

expert here, the President going like this--

expert here the President going like this-

that's normal, right?

that's normal right

Right?

Right

Got it.

Got it

It is.

It is

It has to be. This is weird.

It has to be This is weird

[APPLAUSE] Normal.

APPLAUSE Normal

Weird. Normal.

Weird Normal

I'm getting confused here.

I'm getting confused here

I'm getting confused.

I'm getting confused

What is it that Doctor Fauci did

that is so heinous that you are still trying to get

him six years afterwards?

him six years afterwards

Well, he did fund gain of function research

Well he did fund gain of function research

at a sloppy lab where a virus escaped and left

a million Americans dead.

a million Americans dead

Complicit in the deaths of millions of people.

Complicit in the deaths of millions of people

The guy killed or had something to do with killing

nine million people.

nine million people

OK. Wow.

OK Wow

That's right.

That's right

He engineered the virus that killed millions

and millions of people because it was so deadly,

and millions of people because it was so deadly

a threat to everyone.

a threat to everyone

The COVID virus was simply not a threat to most people.

The COVID virus was simply not a threat to most people

My spidey senses about him, about the entire scamdemic,

My spidey senses about him about the entire scamdemic

were accurate.

were accurate

A lot of us that COVID was a flu.

A lot of us that COVID was a flu

To tell kids they couldn't go to school

for years for no reason.

for years for no reason

MAN: Doctor Fauci lied about his own personal views.

MAN: Doctor Fauci lied about his own personal views

Shutting down the country for a virus he knew

wasn't that deadly.

wasn't that deadly

Oh yeah. Yeah yeah.

Oh yeah Yeah yeah

See?

See

It's deadly.

It's deadly

And it didn't matter.

And it didn't matter

And millions died.

And millions died

But it was fine.

But it was fine

And, god, my head [BLEEP] hurts, OK?

And god my head BLEEP hurts OK

My ears are bleeding.

My ears are bleeding

And are those symptoms of the deadly virus

that doesn't matter?

that doesn't matter

I just don't understand.

I just don't understand

Can someone try again to tell us, what

Can someone try again to tell us what

was in these diary entries?

was in these diary entries

If you read the stories in the so-called mainstream press

about the Fauci diaries, you will see an exact

about the Fauci diaries you will see an exact

parallel to the Biden--

parallel to the Biden-

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

I can't hear you over the pipe.

I can't hear you over the pipe

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

What's going on here?

What's going on here

Are you guys-- are you guys trying

Are you guys- are you guys trying

to solve COVID or a murder on the Orient Express?

to solve COVID or a murder on the Orient Express

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

But enough about Doctor Fauci.

But enough about Doctor Fauci

Shall we retire to the hot tub, my dear boy?

Shall we retire to the hot tub my dear boy

Chop chop.

Chop chop

Listen, guys, can we dial this back a bit?

Listen guys can we dial this back a bit

I'm not saying Anthony Fauci made no mistakes,

I'm not saying Anthony Fauci made no mistakes

but it's not like the man is Hitler.

but it's not like the man is Hitler

Fauci is foresees guilty of mass murder and crimes

against humanity on a scale of a Hitler and a Josef Mengele.

against humanity on a scale of a Hitler and a Josef Mengele

OK.

I stand corrected.

I stand corrected

Fun fact, Hitler also committed all his crimes

Fun fact Hitler also committed all his crimes

to meet Barbra Streisand.

to meet Barbra Streisand

Fun fact.

Fun fact

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

By the way, if you think America's response to COVID

By the way if you think America's response to COVID

was really that horrible, is there someone other than Fauci

was really that horrible is there someone other than Fauci

you might put some blame on?

you might put some blame on

Maybe somebody Fauci worked for,

Maybe somebody Fauci worked for

could even be somebody you may have met 1, or 2, or 3, 4,

could even be somebody you may have met 1 or 2 or 3 4

5 times?

5 times

Maybe a little turn around the room might jog your memory.

Maybe a little turn around the room might jog your memory

No?

Donald [BLEEP] Trump.

Donald BLEEP Trump

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

He-- he-- he was the guy who was

He- he- he was the guy who was

president during the pandemic.

president during the pandemic

And he also thought Fauci was sexier than Tyra Banks.

And he also thought Fauci was sexier than Tyra Banks

He's a good man.

He's a good man

I like Doctor Fauci a lot.

I like Doctor Fauci a lot

He's been doing a very good job.

He's been doing a very good job

We're very happy with Doctor Fauci.

We're very happy with Doctor Fauci

I have a lot of respect for Doctor Fauci.

I have a lot of respect for Doctor Fauci

I have to pay tribute.

I have to pay tribute

We have, whether it's Doctor Fauci,

We have whether it's Doctor Fauci

we have the best people on Earth.

we have the best people on Earth

Normally, when Trump praises something like that

Normally when Trump praises something like that

that highly, he just had his broker buy a ton of stock

that highly he just had his broker buy a ton of stock

in it.

in it

And, look, this is not to say Donald Trump is

And look this is not to say Donald Trump is

the one big villain of COVID.

the one big villain of COVID

There is no one big villain of COVID.

There is no one big villain of COVID

Well, except maybe COVID.

Well except maybe COVID

He was a bad dude.

He was a bad dude

It was an unprecedented pandemic

that we spent years stumbling through, trying

that we spent years stumbling through trying

to find some patchwork of solutions that would

protect our health while keeping our society

from total collapse.

from total collapse

Did our leaders make mistakes?

Did our leaders make mistakes

Of course they did.

Of course they did

Should we try to find out what we did wrong?

Should we try to find out what we did wrong

Of course.

Of course

But that was not what was happening

with Republicans this week.

with Republicans this week

They were doing the only thing we do anymore--

They were doing the only thing we do anymore-

shove a complex issue through a performative partisan filter.

shove a complex issue through a performative partisan filter

But it's not going to do anything for us

to throw Anthony Fauci in prison.

to throw Anthony Fauci in prison

It's not even going to do that much to Anthony Fauci.

It's not even going to do that much to Anthony Fauci

I mean, threatening an 85-year-old

I mean threatening an 85-year-old

with life in prison, that's--

with life in prison that's-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

--kind of like putting a kid in timeout 10

-kind of like putting a kid in timeout 10

minutes before school is over.

minutes before school is over

In fact, coding public health as a partisan issue

In fact coding public health as a partisan issue

is incredibly dangerous, because we've already

is incredibly dangerous because we've already

seen what happens when a party comes

in thinking that public health is the other party's issue.

in thinking that public health is the other party's issue

REPORTER: The Trump administration

has started carrying out mass layoffs at the Department

of Health and Human Services.

of Health and Human Services

REPORTER: The cuts will impact roughly

3,500 workers at the FDA, 2,400 at the CDC,

3500 workers at the FDA 2400 at the CDC

and 1,200 at the NIH.

and 1200 at the NIH

REPORTER: Canceling almost $500 million in funding

REPORTER: Canceling almost 500 million in funding

for 22 projects focused on developing mRNA vaccines.

for 22 projects focused on developing mRNA vaccines

REPORTER: An office established to prepare

the nation for future pandemics is reportedly

down to just one staffer.

down to just one staffer

A source says it's not clear who that person reports to.

A source says it's not clear who that person reports to

There's one guy left.

There's one guy left

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

This is why we are losing a diarrhea war to lettuce.

This is why we are losing a diarrhea war to lettuce

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

It's the flimsiest vegetable.

It's the flimsiest vegetable

It's the flimsiest vegetable.

It's the flimsiest vegetable

So here's the point, America-- how about instead of looking

So here's the point America- how about instead of looking

for partisan scapegoats for the last pandemic, how about

for partisan scapegoats for the last pandemic how about

we, for once, work together to find out how we can focus

we for once work together to find out how we can focus

on preventing the next one?

on preventing the next one

I think that-- that--

I think that- that-

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

That whole thing is a plan even Doctor Fauci could agree with.

That whole thing is a plan even Doctor Fauci could agree with

What do you say, doc?

What do you say doc

I respectfully decline to answer.

I respectfully decline to answer

Gotcha.

Gotcha

Saving it for the diary.

Saving it for the diary

I get it.

I get it

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MUSIC PLAYING

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