Watch and Learn - Jon Stewart on the Botched Iran Deal & Josh Johnson on Trump's Reflecting Pool War

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[music]

music

The Trump administration, of course,

The Trump administration of course

once again finds itself at the center of

the big news today. The Trump

the big news today The Trump

administration continues to try and find

a solution to an intractable,

a solution to an intractable

problematic waterway in a dangerous part

of the world.

of the world

>> Mounting problems at the reflecting pool

on the National Mall.

on the National Mall

>> You are looking right now at what is

rapidly turning into a $16 million

rapidly turning into a 16 million

headache for the White House.

headache for the White House

>> DAMN YOU, MOM. DONNIE.

>> DAMN YOU MOM DONNIE

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> WHAT HATH SOCIALISM wrought

[laughter]

laughter

>> to our beloved symbol of

national ankle deep waiting?

national ankle deep waiting

>> Pieces of that new coating began peeling

off phosphate levels far higher than

what is recommended.

what is recommended

>> A significant algae bloom has turned the

water into a sea of green.

water into a sea of green

Eddie is reallying green. I didn't

Eddie is reallying green I didn't

realize like that shit's neon. Did they

realize like that shit's neon Did they

replace the water with Mountain Dew?

replace the water with Mountain Dew

What is [laughter]

What is laughter

I mean, didn't they just have a pool

I mean didn't they just have a pool

company come in and fix it? How How did

company come in and fix it How How did

it get so green? One of those companies,

it get so green One of those companies

Green Water Services.

Green Water Services

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> quite perplexing.

>> quite perplexing

[laughter]

laughter

How did it get so green?

How did it get so green

Again, of course, it's not about the

Again of course it's not about the

name. I'm sure Greenwater Services, a

name I'm sure Greenwater Services a

very reputable company that fairly won

the reflecting pool contract because of

their expertise and and track record.

their expertise and and track record

The administration paid a company to do

the work in a no bid contract.

the work in a no bid contract

>> The company's owned by a trust run by

Republican donor John Cafaro.

Republican donor John Cafaro

[laughter]

laughter

[laughter]

laughter

That's the pool guy.

That's the pool guy

That guy. That's the pool guy.

That guy That's the pool guy

Does Trump do business with anyone

normal?

normal

Even the pool guy looks like an extra

from Guys and Dolls.

from Guys and Dolls

It's like Donnie Brasco got stung by a

bee.

bee

[laughter]

laughter

I'm sorry. To be fair, that's probably

I'm sorry To be fair that's probably

an old picture from like the 80s when

Gomez Adams was the rage. [cheering]

Gomez Adams was the rage cheering

Do we have a recent picture of this guy

that we can Are you kidding me?

that we can Are you kidding me

This is entrament.

This is entrament

WHO IS THIS GUY? He's a Mara Lago

WHO IS THIS GUY He's a Mara Lago

neighbor and has given more than

$300,000 to the political committees

300000 to the political committees

tied to the president. Back in 2001,

tied to the president Back in 2001

Kafaro plead guilty to conspiracy to

bribe then Congressman James Trafocin

Jr.

>> Poor guy.

>> Poor guy

The pool guy bribed the congressman and

now he gets the pool

that tracks.

that tracks

What do I do?

What do I do

Let's just say I'm uh I'm in the

chlorine management business.

chlorine management business

[laughter]

laughter

Well, if you're like me when you first

Well if you're like me when you first

heard that the reflecting pool had

algae, you probably thought to yourself,

algae you probably thought to yourself

"Well, I hope the president of the

Well I hope the president of the

United States is personally involved

with overseeing this." President Trump

with overseeing this President Trump

says he personally inspected the site.

says he personally inspected the site

>> Oh, good. That's good. I'm glad.

>> Oh good That's good I'm glad

I believe he posted a picture of that

excursion. Oh, THERE. [laughter]

excursion Oh THERE laughter

[applause]

applause

By the way, uh [applause]

By the way uh applause

I'm just curious. WAIT A MINUTE. WHY AM

I'm just curious WAIT A MINUTE WHY AM

I ALWAYS THERE?

I ALWAYS THERE

[laughter]

laughter

WHY IS HE ALWAYS HEALING ME?

WHY IS HE ALWAYS HEALING ME

THAT'S NOT THAT'S not actually me. You

THAT'S NOT THAT'S not actually me You

know what I don't like about that

picture? Can I tell the truth about

picture Can I tell the truth about

this? This is an AI generated image,

this This is an AI generated image

right? And the picture of that person

right And the picture of that person

does happen to look a lot like me. But

does happen to look a lot like me But

what that means is I am AI's idea of a

person that is old and needs to be

healed.

healed

[laughter]

laughter

But hold on. Donald Trump is personally

But hold on Donald Trump is personally

overseeing the pH balance of Abe

Lincoln's kitty pool. Who who who is

Lincoln's kitty pool Who who who is

handling the highstakes, incredibly

handling the highstakes incredibly

fragile Iranian truce negotiations?

fragile Iranian truce negotiations

>> Hey guys,

>> Hey guys

>> no. [screaming]

>> no screaming

NO.

[laughter]

laughter

WE SHOULD HAVE SENT CIGAR FACE.

WE SHOULD HAVE SENT CIGAR FACE

[laughter]

laughter

Cigar Face WOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE of

this.

this

Unless you want your whole country

to have green water.

to have green water

[laughter]

laughter

All right. Look,

All right Look

I will give JD Vance a chance. These are

I will give JD Vance a chance These are

the kind of negotiations that will

require steely focus on the American

side. And I'll bet JD Vance has just the

side And I'll bet JD Vance has just the

right touch of gravitas and tact. I have

right touch of gravitas and tact I have

joked that I have two very very

important people in my life. An Indian

important people in my life An Indian

and a Pakistani. The Indian is my wife

and a Pakistani The Indian is my wife

and the Pakistani is Field Marshall

Maner.

Maner

[laughter]

laughter

MY WIFE'S INDIAN. THIS DUDE'S PAKISTANI.

MY WIFE'S INDIAN THIS DUDE'S PAKISTANI

BOOM. YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY TO

BOOM YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY TO

PEOPLE? TWO BROWNS DON'T MAKE A WHITE,

PEOPLE TWO BROWNS DON'T MAKE A WHITE

[cheering]

cheering

RIGHT?

RIGHT

HEY, BOOM. This guy gets it.

HEY BOOM This guy gets it

Look at me. I'M POINTING OUT THEIR

Look at me I'M POINTING OUT THEIR

ETHNICITY.

ETHNICITY

[laughter] Is it A RABBI? MY WIFE, AND

laughter Is it A RABBI MY WIFE AND

FIELD MARSHALL MUIRE WALK INTO A BAR.

FIELD MARSHALL MUIRE WALK INTO A BAR

It's a risky move on Trump's part given

that the first time he sent JD Vance

overseas, JD Vance killed Pope Francis.

overseas JD Vance killed Pope Francis

So,

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> It happened.

>> It happened

88 years Pope Francis lived in leper

colonies in in has has went through so

much in his life survived

spent 10 minutes with JD Vance

and went check please. I I I'm out.

and went check please I I I'm out

Unfortunately,

Unfortunately

the negotiation meeting seemed to get

off to an even worse start.

off to an even worse start

>> Social media claims that Vice President

JD Vance was snubbed by cuttery

officials during those weekend talks in

Switzerland. There's a viral video going

Switzerland There's a viral video going

around that showed Vance standing alone

as leaders around him exchanged hugs and

greetings.

greetings

[laughter]

laughter

[applause]

applause

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Well, that is awkward. Kitty dance

>> Well that is awkward Kitty dance

really answers the question, what if a

really answers the question what if a

middle school dance were a person?

middle school dance were a person

[laughter]

laughter

My mom's coming soon. I'm going to get

My mom's coming soon I'm going to get

out of here.

out of here

But things just went from bad to

wallflower with Vance getting more and

more exasperated as the mean girls just

couldn't see that he has a lot to offer

too. And why would they possibly so mad?

too And why would they possibly so mad

[laughter]

laughter

Wait a second. You know what? I actually

Wait a second You know what I actually

think this might not have been a

diplomatic snub. This might have been

diplomatic snub This might have been

the result of a health code violation.

the result of a health code violation

Can we take a a quick look at the

footage again? There's JD B. Oh, HE WENT

footage again There's JD B Oh HE WENT

FOR THE PICK. HE WENT FOR THE PICK. OH

FOR THE PICK HE WENT FOR THE PICK OH

NO, HE WENT FOR THE CHAIR. OH NO,

NO HE WENT FOR THE CHAIR OH NO

HE WENT for the pick and wipe.

HE WENT for the pick and wipe

THAT'S WHY THE PICK AND WIPE.

THAT'S WHY THE PICK AND WIPE

[screaming] Classic diplomatic fauxpaw.

screaming Classic diplomatic fauxpaw

The pick and

it's second only to the men's room pee

peak [laughter]

peak laughter

which as many of you know started the

Francoressussian war.

Francoressussian war

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> But you know what? It doesn't really

>> But you know what It doesn't really

matter. It doesn't matter who we sent

matter It doesn't matter who we sent

because there's not a lot of wiggle room

in these negotiations. President Trump

in these negotiations President Trump

has been very clear about what's

expected.

expected

>> The president said there will be no deal

with Iran except unconditional

surrender.

surrender

>> Tata. So basically JD Vance is just

>> Tata So basically JD Vance is just

there to pick up the white flag, get it

there to pick up the white flag get it

signed, hand out a couple of orange

signed hand out a couple of orange

slices, call it a game. For all you

slices call it a game For all you

nitpiecers out there wondering, well,

nitpiecers out there wondering well

what does surrender even mean? Very

what does surrender even mean Very

simple. They laid it out quite clearly.

simple They laid it out quite clearly

>> We want to see uh uh no nuclear bomb, no

>> We want to see uh uh no nuclear bomb no

nuclear weapon, not even close to it. I

nuclear weapon not even close to it I

say no enrichment. They want it for

say no enrichment They want it for

civilian, you know, for civil civil. I

civilian you know for civil civil I

think it's univil. We also want the

think it's univil We also want the

enriched uranium. Destroying Iran's

enriched uranium Destroying Iran's

missile capabilities and their capacity

to produce brand new ones. No money will

to produce brand new ones No money will

exchange hands in any way, shape, or

exchange hands in any way shape or

form. Boom.

form Boom

So, we already know what the deal is.

So we already know what the deal is

So, why don't we go through the deal

So why don't we go through the deal

point by point? Probably isn't going to

point by point Probably isn't going to

take much time at all. Pretty simple.

take much time at all Pretty simple

Number one, they have to give us all

Number one they have to give us all

their valuable nuclear material.

their valuable nuclear material

>> It's actually not valuable. Not a lot of

>> It's actually not valuable Not a lot of

value, but we'd like to get it

value but we'd like to get it

psychologically, but nobody's touching

psychologically but nobody's touching

it.

Oh okay.

Oh okay

Okay. Yeah.

Okay Yeah

So, we're not actually going to get it,

So we're not actually going to get it

but at least they can't touch it. I

but at least they can't touch it I

mean, they can look at it. Looking is

mean they can look at it Looking is

not cheating. You know what I mean? As

not cheating You know what I mean As

long as Iran doesn't use it for

enrichment, you know, for military or

enrichment you know for military or

civilian use, that's where we actually

civilian use that's where we actually

are drawing the line. Right, Mr. Trump?

are drawing the line Right Mr Trump

>> It is a little hard though when you say

that somebody wants it, other people

that somebody wants it other people

have it. other adjoining states have it

have it other adjoining states have it

and you're not letting them have it for

purposes of electricity and things like

that. It's always a little tough. You

that It's always a little tough You

have to use a little common sense.

have to use a little common sense

You have to use You're the no nuclear

GUY. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID it now

GUY YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID it now

suddenly. Well, I mean, you know, enrich

suddenly Well I mean you know enrich

a little bit. I mean, I mean, you know,

a little bit I mean I mean you know

we all enrich nuclear material at some

point. You know what I'm saying?

point You know what I'm saying

The point is we don't have to be such

hard asses about the nuclear

>> because really the main reason we went

there was the ballistic missile program.

there was the ballistic missile program

That's why we're there and we are

definitely not budging on that.

definitely not budging on that

>> The conventional ballistic missiles

which we'll be talking about and

support. I mean they have to have some

support I mean they have to have some

because other people have some. You got

because other people have some You got

to have some sir you shouldn't let them

have any missile. I said well what am I

have any missile I said well what am I

going to do? Am I going to let Saudi

going to do Am I going to let Saudi

Arabia have missiles but they can't have

them? Yes, sir. Can't doesn't work that

them Yes sir Can't doesn't work that

way, you know. It doesn't work that way.

way you know It doesn't work that way

[laughter]

laughter

We know that. WE KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK

We know that WE KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK

THAT WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE WE'RE THE

[ __ ]

Like we were the [ __ ] who were like,

Like we were the __ who were like

"NO MISSILES, NO NUCLEAR." And you're

NO MISSILES NO NUCLEAR And you're

like, "You got to be reasonable." We're

like You got to be reasonable We're

just backing you up. And now you're

just backing you up And now you're

TELLING US, "USE YOUR EDGE, PEOPLE. I

TELLING US USE YOUR EDGE PEOPLE I

mean, they got to have missiles.

mean they got to have missiles

You never KNOW WHEN SOME IMPULSIVE

[ __ ] IS GOING TO START BOMBING THEM

__ IS GOING TO START BOMBING THEM

OUT of nowhere.

OUT of nowhere

If they don't have missiles, THEY'RE

If they don't have missiles THEY'RE

GOING TO HAVE WHATEVER. WHAT [cheering]

GOING TO HAVE WHATEVER WHAT cheering

ARE WE DOING?

ARE WE DOING

WHAT kind of [applause]

WHAT kind of applause

FINE [cheering]

FINE cheering

FINE. LET THEM HAVEING MISSILES. At

FINE LET THEM HAVEING MISSILES At

least no money's changing hands. As for

least no money's changing hands As for

money, the US pledges to help create a

money the US pledges to help create a

$300 billion reconstruction fund for

300 billion reconstruction fund for

Iran,

Iran

>> allowing Iran immediately to start

selling its oil that could earn Iran 60

to 70 billion per year. Also in this

to 70 billion per year Also in this

agreement, the unfreezing of Iranian

agreement the unfreezing of Iranian

assets, which could be upwards of

assets which could be upwards of

hundred billion dollar.

hundred billion dollar

[laughter]

laughter

So the hardline extremist regime of Iran

gets a nuclear stockpile, missiles, and

gets a nuclear stockpile missiles and

money.

money

Iran is a circumcision away from being

Israel. [laughter]

Israel laughter

No. Wait, I DON'T

No Wait I DON'T

[applause]

applause

I don't actually know if Iranian

circumcised, so that may not be,

circumcised so that may not be

[laughter]

laughter

but you you get my point.

but you you get my point

Sure, someone will leave that in the

Sure someone will leave that in the

comments section.

comments section

[laughter]

laughter

I don't know if their penises have the

hijab. I don't know. [laughter]

hijab I don't know laughter

Dude,

Dude

>> maybe they just have where you just see

the penis's eyes.

the penis's eyes

[laughter]

laughter

There's no graphic for that joke, by the

There's no graphic for that joke by the

way.

way

Look,

Look

if this is what we're giving the

Iranians, I don't understand why the

Iranians I don't understand why the

Iranians are snubbing JD Vance. They

Iranians are snubbing JD Vance They

should be kissing his booger laden ring.

should be kissing his booger laden ring

[laughter]

laughter

I mean, what does America get for all

I mean what does America get for all

these concessions?

these concessions

>> Yesterday was a very, very good day. We

>> Yesterday was a very very good day We

made a lot of good progress.

made a lot of good progress

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Oh yeah

Go get him, Joan. Diddy and Vance. What

Go get him Joan Diddy and Vance What

kind of project? Go get him. Old Jam

kind of project Go get him Old Jam

Mountain Dew Vance.

Mountain Dew Vance

I knew you'd come through. What did we

I knew you'd come through What did we

get?

get

>> The Iranians have agreed to invite IAEA

inspectors back into their country. That

inspectors back into their country That

is a major milestone for the American

people.

people

[laughter]

laughter

>> Oh yeah, that's a big milestone. We

>> Oh yeah that's a big milestone We

haven't had nuclear inspectors in Iran

since oh when you started bombing them

last year.

last year

The Iran inspectors went in there after

the JCPOA that Obama negotiated and they

only left when we attacked Iran. So just

only left when we attacked Iran So just

out of curiosity, why did we tear up the

out of curiosity why did we tear up the

Obama deal with Iran again? that

Obama deal with Iran again that

horrible Iran nuclear deal. That

horrible Iran nuclear deal That

horrible stupid deal. The stupidity of

horrible stupid deal The stupidity of

that deal where we give $150 billion, we

that deal where we give 150 billion we

get nothing. The deal allowed Iran to

get nothing The deal allowed Iran to

continue enriching uranium. It also

continue enriching uranium It also

fails to address the regime's

development of ballistic missiles. Who

development of ballistic missiles Who

would make a deal so stupid as that? The

would make a deal so stupid as that The

dumbest deal I've ever seen. The worst

dumbest deal I've ever seen The worst

deal ever negotiated of any kind.

deal ever negotiated of any kind

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Yeah. What kind of a dumb,

>> Yeah What kind of a dumb

you know, at the time

you know at the time

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

it's so crazy.

it's so crazy

I guess the theory is why trade smaller

concessions with Iran for peace when we

could instead lose a war with them and

make bigger concessions. Well, I hope

make bigger concessions Well I hope

you learned your lesson, Iran. There's

you learned your lesson Iran There's

plenty more concessions where that came

from. You mouth off again and you're

from You mouth off again and you're

getting Greenland.

getting Greenland

>> All right, but that's fine. Let's just

>> All right but that's fine Let's just

make the best of it. JD, can you at

make the best of it JD can you at

least tell us the nuclear inspectors

will be starting right away to secure

the uranium?

the uranium

>> In terms of when the nuclear inspectors

are going to start, it's funny. We were

are going to start it's funny We were

trying to call some of the inspectors

last night around 2:00 in the morning.

last night around 2:00 in the morning

As you can expect, not many people were

As you can expect not many people were

answering their phone at 2:00 in the

morning.

morning

[laughter]

laughter

Is that funny, though?

Is that funny though

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> We've been at war for 4 months and no

one thought to call the nuclear

inspectors before 2:00 a.m. last night.

inspectors before 2:00 am last night

[laughter] It's really less funny than

laughter It's really less funny than

just shitty foresight and planning.

just shitty foresight and planning

Honestly, I mean, have you ever wondered

Honestly I mean have you ever wondered

who the buys luggage at an airport?

who the buys luggage at an airport

That's our negotiating team.

That's our negotiating team

OH, DID WE FORGET SOMETHING? OH, YOU

OH DID WE FORGET SOMETHING OH YOU

KNOW WHAT? WHY AM I WALKING THROUGH THE

KNOW WHAT WHY AM I WALKING THROUGH THE

AIRPORT JUST CARRYING MY [ __ ] IN MY

AIRPORT JUST CARRYING MY __ IN MY

ARMS?

ARMS

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> JUST CALLED THE NUCLEAR INSPECTORS AT 2

IN THE MORNING.

IN THE MORNING

[laughter]

laughter

>> Are we getting anything in exchange for

letting Iran have LIKE HALF A TRILLION

DOLLARS? If there is any frozen Iranian

DOLLARS If there is any frozen Iranian

assets that are unfrozen, the money

assets that are unfrozen the money

would actually go to buy American soy,

would actually go to buy American soy

American corn, and American wheat for

American corn and American wheat for

the benefit of the Iranian people. A

the benefit of the Iranian people A

classic Trump deal.

classic Trump deal

>> Oh,

>> Oh

it is a classic Trump deal. Announce a

it is a classic Trump deal Announce a

bold action with grandiose ambition and

then [ __ ] the bed.

then __ the bed

And then state confidently that bed [ __ ]

And then state confidently that bed __

was the goal all along.

was the goal all along

And then finally name the bed after

Trump.

Trump

Yes, folks. We went to war with Iran to

Yes folks We went to war with Iran to

force them to take money to buy our

crops. Win-win. How did no one else

crops Win-win How did no one else

figure this out? How did no other

figure this out How did no other

president have the foresight to bomb a

country into a crop buying spree?

country into a crop buying spree

>> Well, I think one big difference, Phil,

>> Well I think one big difference Phil

is that we have a smart president,

is that we have a smart president

whereas in the past we've had dumb

presidents.

presidents

adding,

adding

[snorts]

snorts

>> "The World Cup fans have come from all

>> The World Cup fans have come from all

over the world to see which country has

the most athletic black people.

the most athletic black people

But one country has been making their

presence known a little more than the

rest. South Florida's getting taken over

rest South Florida's getting taken over

by the Scottish this week for the World

Cup, turning Little Havana into an

Cup turning Little Havana into an

international street party.

international street party

[music]

music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> This is so fun. Also, [laughter] I'm

>> This is so fun Also laughter I'm

just happy to see an all-white parade

where they're not chanting about the

Jews.

Jews

I'm not sure about the bag pipes,

I'm not sure about the bag pipes

though. You know, the Loch Ness monster

though You know the Loch Ness monster

is back in Scotland right now. Like,

is back in Scotland right now Like

finally, I can get some sleep.

finally I can get some sleep

The only reason I'm so elusive is cuz I

don't want to hear those damn bag pipes.

don't want to hear those damn bag pipes

But let's get to the big story. It has

But let's get to the big story It has

now been 10 weeks since the start of the

war that has come to define Donald

Trump's second term. So, let's get right

Trump's second term So let's get right

into our continuing coverage of the

Washington DC reflecting pool.

Washington DC reflecting pool

[music]

music

Looks like [ __ ]

Looks like __

Ever since the Lincoln Memorial

reflecting pool turned bright green,

reflecting pool turned bright green

which is a thing I just said like it's

totally normal, it's become the first

totally normal it's become the first

breakout hit of the summer. Tourists are

breakout hit of the summer Tourists are

actually flocking to the Lincoln

Memorial Reflecting Pool to catch a

glimpse of the controversial

renovations.

renovations

>> It was kind of like disgusting. Like it

>> It was kind of like disgusting Like it

looks like like it's green. Like it

looks like like it's green Like it

looks like looks like vomit

>> and it smells really bad.

>> and it smells really bad

>> I had to see for myself. I couldn't

>> I had to see for myself I couldn't

believe it. [laughter]

believe it laughter

>> Hey kids, remember you wanted to go to

>> Hey kids remember you wanted to go to

Disneyland. Instead, we're going to go

Disneyland Instead we're going to go

see the world's largest kombucha.

see the world's largest kombucha

You know, everybody's complaining about

You know everybody's complaining about

the pool, but they're coming out to see

the pool but they're coming out to see

it. I'm not saying it's better this way.

it I'm not saying it's better this way

I'm just saying it seems to be pretty

popular. This is how far America has

popular This is how far America has

fallen. The last time we collected this

fallen The last time we collected this

many people around the reflecting pool

was for civil rights. People were like,

was for civil rights People were like

"We must come out to support Dr. King."

We must come out to support Dr King

60 years later, we're like, "A slimy

60 years later we're like A slimy

pool. THIS I GOT TO SEE.

pool THIS I GOT TO SEE

NOW, anyone who's ever owned a swimming

NOW anyone who's ever owned a swimming

pool or a fish tank or a bong that they

never wash

will not be surprised that there's algae

in the pool. And a shallow pool like

in the pool And a shallow pool like

this with a dark bottom in hot weather

is particularly hard to keep clean. I

is particularly hard to keep clean I

know that because half the people I

follow on social media are pool experts

all of a sudden.

all of a sudden

This is a completely natural and

expected development. But Donald Trump

expected development But Donald Trump

thinks there's something else to blame.

thinks there's something else to blame

We have a I think 290 300 foot slit

right through it. Probably a box cutter

right through it Probably a box cutter

or a knife of some kind. They cut it

or a knife of some kind They cut it

very violently. The same thing with the

very violently The same thing with the

floor. They cut it and then they lifted

floor They cut it and then they lifted

it. They pulled it. I can't help it if

it They pulled it I can't help it if

somebody goes in with a knife and starts

hacking it up. Who would think that

hacking it up Who would think that

somebody would go into a pool and take a

knife and start cutting it?

knife and start cutting it

>> Yeah. Who would think of something like

>> Yeah Who would think of something like

that

two months ago? This will last for at

two months ago This will last for at

least 50 years and you'll never have a

leak. It's very straw. You couldn't If

leak It's very straw You couldn't If

you had a knife, I don't want to give

you had a knife I don't want to give

anybody ideas. If you had a knife, you

anybody ideas If you had a knife you

can't even cut it. [cheering]

can't even cut it cheering

>> I've never seen someone have a line of

logic so stupid they reverse inception

themselves.

themselves

Me from before had the idea to never. I

Me from before had the idea to never I

told myself it couldn't be done and then

I forgot. That's why it happened.

I forgot That's why it happened

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Look, I'll admit right now I'm one of

>> Look I'll admit right now I'm one of

Trump's biggest haters, but Donnie, let

Trump's biggest haters but Donnie let

me help you out. You have got to chill.

me help you out You have got to chill

People are not shanking the pool at

night.

night

Also, algae can't be that hard to get

Also algae can't be that hard to get

rid of. I mean, damn, you got one of the

rid of I mean damn you got one of the

biggest algae eaters in your cabinet.

biggest algae eaters in your cabinet

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> Send him down to the pool. He'll be

>> Send him down to the pool He'll be

like, "Looks like soup,

like Looks like soup

>> broccoli cheddar."

>> broccoli cheddar

The point is, don't go around escalating

The point is don't go around escalating

the situation.

the situation

>> This morning, the National Guard and

>> This morning the National Guard and

Park Police patrolling the reflecting

pool on the National Mall.

pool on the National Mall

>> There are cameras stationed every 50

yards or so.

yards or so

>> The president had Marine One do a

flyover around the reflecting pool.

flyover around the reflecting pool

According to the White House, 17 police

According to the White House 17 police

reports have been filed for vandalism,

reports have been filed for vandalism

leading to six arrests.

leading to six arrests

Dang, you you treating the reflecting

Dang you you treating the reflecting

pool like Epstein drowned in it.

pool like Epstein drowned in it

[laughter]

laughter

Just imagine what Iran must be thinking

right now. They turn on the TV like,

right now They turn on the TV like

"Where are the Americans plotting to

Where are the Americans plotting to

send their force? Damn, are they even

send their force Damn are they even

thinking about us?"

thinking about us

And I get Trump's disappointment because

according to him, this was going to be

according to him this was going to be

the best pool in the history of water.

the best pool in the history of water

>> President Obama, President Biden spent

>> President Obama President Biden spent

much more than $100 million on the

much more than 100 million on the

reflecting lake. You know what they got

reflecting lake You know what they got

out of it? A closed lake.

out of it A closed lake

>> I'm doing the super job and it's going

to be much better. It's going to be

to be much better It's going to be

something very special. It'll be, I

something very special It'll be I

think, very reflective. Very, very good.

think very reflective Very very good

>> It's like a piece of glass. Beautiful

>> It's like a piece of glass Beautiful

color, beautiful everything. You could

color beautiful everything You could

never get any anything like that.

never get any anything like that

>> It's going to look better than it did in

1922 when it was built. The Lincoln

1922 when it was built The Lincoln

Memorial. Look at that. Beautiful. Look

Memorial Look at that Beautiful Look

at how that reflects. It's like a

at how that reflects It's like a

mirror.

mirror

>> See, that's your problem right there.

>> See that's your problem right there

You talked it up so much you jinxed it.

You talked it up so much you jinxed it

Now I want to let him build the

ballroom. Just see how bad it turns out.

ballroom Just see how bad it turns out

I bet it disintegrates at the first chaa

slide.

slide

The lesson here is Trump. You got to

The lesson here is Trump You got to

wait until after you do something to

flex. If you had never made a big deal

flex If you had never made a big deal

out of the pool, no one would have

out of the pool no one would have

noticed. I mean, RFK would still be down

noticed I mean RFK would still be down

there cuz to him that's yummy.

there cuz to him that's yummy

[laughter]

laughter

But Trump basically shot a buzzer

beating game-winning shot, turned around

beating game-winning shot turned around

and threw his hands up in the air to

celebrate, and then instead of going in,

celebrate and then instead of going in

it missed and killed a baby duckling.

it missed and killed a baby duckling

Now you got people across the country

coming over to gawk at the fact that you

turned the reflecting pool into a

Kool-Aid bucket and all your supporters

in the media who should be defending

your Iran disaster or your economic

disaster have to defend this disaster.

disaster have to defend this disaster

>> I think this is Trump derangement

syndrome at its finest.

syndrome at its finest

>> The far left will never get behind or

celebrate anything that Donald Trump

does.

does

>> News flash. Algae grows in stagnant

>> News flash Algae grows in stagnant

water.

water

>> President Trump is trying to make DC

nicer because guess what? president

nicer because guess what president

should care about beauty.

should care about beauty

>> Only the Democrats could hate

beautifying our nation's capital.

beautifying our nation's capital

>> They are rooting for his failure. And in

>> They are rooting for his failure And in

this case, they're even rooting for

this case they're even rooting for

algae.

algae

[laughter]

laughter

>> I'm sorry, this is not the point. But

>> I'm sorry this is not the point But

what is going on with Sean Hanny's face?

what is going on with Sean Hanny's face

I mean, I have never seen white cheeks

I mean I have never seen white cheeks

that big that haven't been wrapped

about.

about

Like, I'm not trying to make fun of his

Like I'm not trying to make fun of his

looks or anything, but I mean, is he

looks or anything but I mean is he

auditioning for a new Chipmunks movie?

auditioning for a new Chipmunks movie

Where Alvin eats Simon and Theodore?

Where Alvin eats Simon and Theodore

[laughter]

laughter

I bet you squirrels look at Handy like,

I bet you squirrels look at Handy like

"How my nuts taste."

How my nuts taste

It looks like the dentist added wisdom

teeth. [laughter]

teeth laughter

Sean, you got to address this. You can't

Sean you got to address this You can't

just walk in a room and sit down in

front of a camera with a BBL on your

face and act like we're not going to

notice. You got to address what's

notice You got to address what's

happening. Anything like, sorry about my

happening Anything like sorry about my

face, y'all. I'm currently going through

face y'all I'm currently going through

a nutty professor type situation. It

a nutty professor type situation It

should be cleared up once I learn to

love and accept myself for who I truly

am. Let's start with the World Cup. The

am Let's start with the World Cup The

main way American kids learn geography.

main way American kids learn geography

Now,

Now

it's been great for America to host the

game since recently our staff in the

world went from global superpower to

monkey who got loose at the zoo and has

a knife,

a knife

but with the World Cup, people are

but with the World Cup people are

discovering the good things about

America, like our food. And obviously,

America like our food And obviously

it goes way beyond our food. It's also

it goes way beyond our food It's also

our condiments.

our condiments

>> Soccer fans are falling in love with

ranch dressing. The World Cup has led to

ranch dressing The World Cup has led to

a sudden sauce craze. The TSA issuing a

a sudden sauce craze The TSA issuing a

warning, posting on social media. Quote,

warning posting on social media Quote

"If you're visiting for a very large

If you're visiting for a very large

sporting event and you happen to

discover ranch while you're here, please

discover ranch while you're here please

pack it in your checked bag on the way

home."

home

Come on, TSA. Do you really need to be

Come on TSA Do you really need to be

so strict about this? No one's going to

so strict about this No one's going to

blow up a plane with a bottle of ranch.

blow up a plane with a bottle of ranch

The bathroom, maybe, but not the plane.

The bathroom maybe but not the plane

By the way, I like how there's one

By the way I like how there's one

bottle of face wash in that photo.

bottle of face wash in that photo

You know, there's some bodega older

You know there's some bodega older

who's like Sarah. It's It's just a

who's like Sarah It's It's just a

different flavor of ranch.

different flavor of ranch

It's not even that valuable. It's just

It's not even that valuable It's just

ranch. You can make it at home. All you

ranch You can make it at home All you

have to do is mix.

have to do is mix

Wait, what the hell is ranch?

Wait what the hell is ranch

But but let's move on to today's top

story and our ongoing coverage in

Decision 2026.

Decision 2026

>> [music]

>> music

>> Last night was election night in America

again. So if you were in a middle school

again So if you were in a middle school

gymnasium yesterday, hopefully that's

gymnasium yesterday hopefully that's

the reason why.

the reason why

And while every election has its winners

and losers, there was one guy who came

and losers there was one guy who came

out on top last night who wasn't even on

the ballot.

the ballot

>> Democratic socialist Mayor [music] Zora

>> Democratic socialist Mayor music Zora

Mandani winning records this morning.

Mandani winning records this morning

Three endorsement and three victories.

Three endorsement and three victories

The progressive candidates he backed won

their House primary races.

their House primary races

>> The king of New York City politics right

now is Mayor Mandani. He's the kingmaker

now is Mayor Mandani He's the kingmaker

and he's in charge. A socialist making

and he's in charge A socialist making

kings. That's crazy.

kings That's crazy

That's like if the capitalist made a

hospital everybody could afford.

hospital everybody could afford

But all right, Mom Donnie, all your

But all right Mom Donnie all your

candidates won last night. So take the

candidates won last night So take the

victory lap. Preach to the people. We

victory lap Preach to the people We

are showing there is a new path for

politics in our city and in our country.

politics in our city and in our country

>> Wait, did you guys hear that woman

>> Wait did you guys hear that woman

scream?

scream

[laughter]

laughter

>> Can we play that again?

>> Can we play that again

[cheering]

cheering

That doesn't even sound like an election

night scream. It sounded like hitting

night scream It sounded like hitting

the drop at the tower terror screen.

the drop at the tower terror screen

But now that she's got that out of her

system, let's hear Zoron speak. We are

system let's hear Zoron speak We are

showing that last June, a year ago

showing that last June a year ago

tomorrow,

tomorrow

was not an anomaly.

was not an anomaly

[screaming]

screaming

[groaning]

groaning

>> I'm still being murdered. But that's

>> I'm still being murdered But that's

great about the wind, though.

great about the wind though

Now, obviously, Republicans are mad

Now obviously Republicans are mad

about Mdana's win, but it also pissed

about Mdana's win but it also pissed

off the Democratic establishment, which

off the Democratic establishment which

is pretty insane because they're in your

party. And Zoron, you need to watch out

party And Zoron you need to watch out

because you know what happens when

establishment dims are mad at you. You

establishment dims are mad at you You

get away with whatever you want.

get away with whatever you want

But there was one person who's willing

to give Zoron his props and said, "Game

to give Zoron his props and said Game

recognized gang."

recognized gang

>> President Trump posted this on Truth

Social. Mayor Mandani pulled through

Social Mayor Mandani pulled through

three solid communists and has received

loud and universal applause from the

fake news media. Congratulations, Mr.

fake news media Congratulations Mr

Mayor. I went6000 last night, helping to

Mayor I went6000 last night helping to

elect wonderful American patriots, and

elect wonderful American patriots and

the media doesn't say a word. Over the

the media doesn't say a word Over the

past two years, he says, "My endorsement

past two years he says My endorsement

has netted 259 primary wins, almost no

has netted 259 primary wins almost no

losses, zero media attention, fake

losses zero media attention fake

news."

news

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Trump sounds like someone at a birthday

party trying to remind people it's also

his birthday.

his birthday

He's just walking up like, "Hey, happy

He's just walking up like Hey happy

birthday, Margaret. [laughter] Looks

birthday Margaret laughter Looks

like we're both Geminis, huh?"

like we're both Geminis huh

And yeah, technically, you know, I' I've

And yeah technically you know I' I've

been having this birthday longer, so you

been having this birthday longer so you

kind of stole it from me, you know, but

kind of stole it from me you know but

nobody talks about that.

nobody talks about that

And I feel for Donald Trump because he

is not wrong about his endorsement

clout. In fact, another one of his

clout In fact another one of his

congressional candidates won a surprise

victory last night in upstate New York.

victory last night in upstate New York

>> Thank you, President Trump.

>> Thank you President Trump

>> Businessman and Sticker Mule CEO Anthony

Constantino riding a President Donald

Trump endorsement to victory.

Trump endorsement to victory

>> Okay, sticker CEO doesn't sound like a

>> Okay sticker CEO doesn't sound like a

real job. Like, if you went on a date

real job Like if you went on a date

and someone said, "I'm the president of

and someone said I'm the president of

Bouncy Balls." You'd be like,

Bouncy Balls You'd be like

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Okay, sounds like we're splitting it.

>> Okay sounds like we're splitting it

Got it. Got it.

Got it Got it

>> But who is this guy?

>> But who is this guy

>> I'm endorsed by President Trump because

I fought for him. I want to dransition

I fought for him I want to dransition

America. I don't like the transgender

America I don't like the transgender

scam at all. Just like I don't like the

scam at all Just like I don't like the

solar scam. I hate seeing these solar

solar scam I hate seeing these solar

panels all over our farmland in upstate

New York. It bothers me because they're

New York It bothers me because they're

ugly as hell.

ugly as hell

>> Wow.

>> Wow

It's like my uncle's Facebook came to

life.

life

But don't let all the things that

Constantino hates fool you. One thing I

Constantino hates fool you One thing I

know about him is that he likes being

funny and having fun. I know this

funny and having fun I know this

because he told us,

because he told us

>> "I like being funny. I like making

>> I like being funny I like making

people laugh. I like having fun." If

people laugh I like having fun If

you're not having fun in life, what else

you're not having fun in life what else

matters?

matters

>> Why does he look

Why does he look like he's about to read

off what my grandma left me at her will?

off what my grandma left me at her will

Hey,

Hey

I like being funny, but today is not

I like being funny but today is not

about me. It's about Ununice Marie

about me It's about Ununice Marie

Johnson, a wonderful lady. Like, the

Johnson a wonderful lady Like the

words he's saying are, "I like to have

words he's saying are I like to have

fun." But the tone is saying, "I hit a

fun But the tone is saying I hit a

cat with my car and felt nothing."

cat with my car and felt nothing

But here's the other reason I know he's

a fun guy.

a fun guy

>> Constantino recorded a hip-hop album

titled Thank You, President Trump. I

titled Thank You President Trump I

made a 10 song patriotic album to

persuade all Americans to be more

patriotic and to see the world as we see

it using the power of music. Trump

it using the power of music Trump

everywhere I go they love Donald Trump

down in Mexico they love Donald Trump.

down in Mexico they love Donald Trump

All right. As black people, I know we

All right As black people I know we

had our fun, but I think we need to let

had our fun but I think we need to let

rap go.

rap go

It's over now. We lost it.

It's over now We lost it

Don't get it wrong, though. Constantino

Don't get it wrong though Constantino

doesn't only rap about how great Donald

Trump is. He also raps about how

Trump is He also raps about how

terrible Trump's nemesis is.

terrible Trump's nemesis is

>> You dummies let a terrorist run for

office in New York City. This posi, he

office in New York City This posi he

ain't even from here. He's still a

ain't even from here He's still a

citizen in [music] Uganda, one of the

citizen in music Uganda one of the

worst, most vile countries on the

worst most vile countries on the

planet. Whatever happens, I never

planet Whatever happens I never

forget.

forget

>> Okay, [laughter]

>> Okay laughter

this guy's got it. And by it, I mean a

this guy's got it And by it I mean a

learning disability.

learning disability

[applause]

applause

Also, I don't know if you heard that,

Also I don't know if you heard that

but does he think Uganda did 9/11?

but does he think Uganda did 9/11

Uganda barely got 7-Eleven.

Uganda barely got 7-Eleven

But you know what? I want to be fair.

But you know what I want to be fair

People love to isolate a piece of a song

to trash an artist. Let's give him

to trash an artist Let's give him

another chance and keep listening.

another chance and keep listening

>> Hey, Andrew Cuomo, you too. You caused

>> Hey Andrew Cuomo you too You caused

this. We all remember the [ __ ] you

this We all remember the __ you

did during [music and singing] co.

did during music and singing co

That's why you lost the primary. Eric

That's why you lost the primary Eric

Adams, by the way, you too, you corrupt

Adams by the way you too you corrupt

piece of [ __ ]

piece of __

Did he just get so mad he forgot he was

supposed to be rapping? Like

supposed to be rapping Like

[laughter] that's not even a song

laughter that's not even a song

anymore. It's just a guy on the corner

anymore It's just a guy on the corner

going and another thing.

going and another thing

With that level of talent, it's no

With that level of talent it's no

wonder he's getting endorsements from

the cream of the crop.

the cream of the crop

>> I am very impressed with Anthony

Constantino. Anthony is exactly the kind

Constantino Anthony is exactly the kind

of person we need in politics. It's like

of person we need in politics It's like

uh this is this is what I talk about

that people like this have to get

involved in politics.

involved in politics

Why are you looking up?

Why are you looking up

That's not where the camera is. Or

That's not where the camera is Or

Giuliani.

Giuliani

He's trying to endorse you, but you're

He's trying to endorse you but you're

making him look like he's a dad trying

to convince a new school to take you.

to convince a new school to take you

Like, no, no, no. You You don't

Like no no no You You don't

understand. He's a good boy. All right.

understand He's a good boy All right

He doesn't do well in class, but he

He doesn't do well in class but he

makes the kids laugh. He didn't mean to

makes the kids laugh He didn't mean to

hurt that girl. He had just never seen

hurt that girl He had just never seen

curly hair before. [laughter]

curly hair before laughter

>> And you might be wondering, how could

>> And you might be wondering how could

Donald Trump endorse a dude that doesn't

look like he's allowed in pet stores?

look like he's allowed in pet stores

[cheering]

cheering

But this guy isn't anywhere near as bad

as some of Trump's other endorsements.

as some of Trump's other endorsements

Just look at Texas Senate nominee Ken

Paxton.

Paxton

>> Ken Paxton has been repeatedly accused

of bribery, fraud, self-deing. In 2020,

of bribery fraud self-deing In 2020

a group of aids reported him to the FBI

accusing him of bribery, and abuse of

accusing him of bribery and abuse of

office to help a friend and political

donor. Impeached by the Republican

donor Impeached by the Republican

controlled House on multiple charges of

abuse of office. sued by the State Bar

abuse of office sued by the State Bar

of Texas for his efforts to overturn the

2020 presidential election.

2020 presidential election

>> Retaliating against whistleblowers, two

>> Retaliating against whistleblowers two

counts of securities fraud, claimed

counts of securities fraud claimed

three homes as his primary residence. He

three homes as his primary residence He

slept around with a married mother of

seven,

seven

>> accused of adultery by his wife who

filed for divorce last year on quote

biblical grounds.

biblical grounds

Biblical grounds.

Biblical grounds

I've never heard that before. Imagine

I've never heard that before Imagine

showing up to your divorce with a Bible

going, "He committed all the sins."

going He committed all the sins

[applause]

applause

[applause]

applause

>> You're just standing there like,

>> You're just standing there like

"Whatever thou shalt not," he did.

Whatever thou shalt not he did

>> This guy is garbage. So, what is it

>> This guy is garbage So what is it

about him that Trump likes?

about him that Trump likes

>> Tell you what, I love President Trump.

>> Tell you what I love President Trump

Every time I'm around him, I'm It's

Every time I'm around him I'm It's

infectious.

infectious

That's a

That's a weird way to describe your

relationship.

relationship

Did you cheat on your wife with Trump?

Did you cheat on your wife with Trump

But I guess that's what matters to

Trump. He doesn't care about competence.

Trump He doesn't care about competence

He just wants loyalty. That's why he

He just wants loyalty That's why he

endorsed Kim Passin over John Cornin.

endorsed Kim Passin over John Cornin

And it's why he endorsed Ed Gowrine over

Thomas Massie. Even though Massie was

Thomas Massie Even though Massie was

more MAGA than Trump. But Thomas Massie

more MAGA than Trump But Thomas Massie

told Trump he's not going to blow him to

get elected. While Kim Paxton told

get elected While Kim Paxton told

Trump, "Watch me suck this peanut butter

Trump Watch me suck this peanut butter

through a straw and see what I can do

for you."

for you

And it's chunky.

And it's chunky

[applause]

applause

And that's the difference between these

two parties. They both have kingmakers,

two parties They both have kingmakers

but kingmakers are looking for two

different things on each party. One

different things on each party One

looks for this in his candidates.

looks for this in his candidates

>> A fight to reject a politics of big

money and small ideas and making

healthcare more affordable and making

housing more affordable. A vote for a

housing more affordable A vote for a

city you can afford.

city you can afford

>> And the other looks for this.

>> And the other looks for this

>> When people like me, I like them. It's

>> When people like me I like them It's

very simple. It's a very simple formula.

very simple It's a very simple formula

>> That's not really a formula. I mean I

>> That's not really a formula I mean I

mean I guess it's a formula this guy

could understand.

could understand

Whatever you think about Trump or Mum

Donnie, it's very clear that they are

Donnie it's very clear that they are

controlling the vibe of their party. And

controlling the vibe of their party And

voters are eager to see come November

which base is going to sound like this.

which base is going to sound like this

[cheering]

cheering

[music]

music

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