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[music]
music
>> First things first,
>>
First
things
first
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
HOW
WAS
YOUR
WEEKEND
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> DID YOU DO LIKE I DID AND have an Iran
>>
DID
YOU
DO
LIKE
I
DID
AND
have
an
Iran
negotiations watch party?
negotiations
watch
party
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Fire.
>>
Fire
Right?
Right
You know, for a while it felt like the
You
know
for
a
while
it
felt
like
the
Iran war was slipping away from us.
Iran
war
was
slipping
away
from
us
Just felt like every negotiation, we
Just
felt
like
every
negotiation
we
just had too big a petroleum deficit to
just
had
too
big
a
petroleum
deficit
to
overcome.
overcome
But for those of us who believed enough
But
for
those
of
us
who
believed
enough
to stick it out, Saturday night,
to
stick
it
out
Saturday
night
out of nowhere,
out
of
nowhere
was the moment we've been waiting for.
was
the
moment
we've
been
waiting
for
>> President Trump says the US and Iran
>>
President
Trump
says
the
US
and
Iran
have reached an agreement to negotiate
have
reached
an
agreement
to
negotiate
an end to the war.
an
end
to
the
war
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> MAN! [cheering]
>>
MAN
cheering
YES!
YES
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW INVESTED our
>>
I
CANNOT
BELIEVE
HOW
INVESTED
our
country is
country
is
in
in
freeing maritime shipping lanes.
freeing
maritime
shipping
lanes
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> GIVE DONALD TRUMP CREDIT. HE INHERITED A
>>
GIVE
DONALD
TRUMP
CREDIT
HE
INHERITED
A
MESS.
MESS
>> President Obama made a deal, the Iran
>>
President
Obama
made
a
deal
the
Iran
nuclear deal, which was a terrible deal.
nuclear
deal
which
was
a
terrible
deal
>> That horrible, stupid deal where
>>
That
horrible
stupid
deal
where
President Obama paid $150 billion for
President
Obama
paid
150
billion
for
nothing.
nothing
>> So they tried to bribe them to make a
>>
So
they
tried
to
bribe
them
to
make
a
deal and that didn't work. IT NEVER
deal
and
that
didn't
work
IT
NEVER
WORKS.
WORKS
>> UNBELIEV- EXACTLY.
>>
UNBELIEV
EXACTLY
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK
YOU
SIR
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> WHAT KIND OF A [ __ ]
>>
WHAT
KIND
OF
A
__
IDIOT
IDIOT
WOULD try and dangle billions of dollars
WOULD
try
and
dangle
billions
of
dollars
in exchange for a deal with Iran?
in
exchange
for
a
deal
with
Iran
>> We're learning more details right now
>>
We're
learning
more
details
right
now
about the agreement to end the war with
about
the
agreement
to
end
the
war
with
Iran.
Iran
>> US officials did mention that in
>>
US
officials
did
mention
that
in
addition to sanctions relief and the
addition
to
sanctions
relief
and
the
unfreezing of Iranian funds, there could
unfreezing
of
Iranian
funds
there
could
be something like a $300 billion fund to
be
something
like
a
300
billion
fund
to
help rebuild Iran.
help
rebuild
Iran
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> I guess it's that kind of [ __ ] idiot.
>>
I
guess
it's
that
kind
of
__
idiot
THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS.
THERE
YOU
HAVE
IT
FOLKS
DONE.
DONE
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> ONLY THE GREAT DONALD TRUMP
>>
ONLY
THE
GREAT
DONALD
TRUMP
COULD FIGHT A costly war to get the
COULD
FIGHT
A
costly
war
to
get
the
United States to remove the sanctions
United
States
to
remove
the
sanctions
put on Iran by Donald Trump.
put
on
Iran
by
Donald
Trump
In the words of the great Winston
In
the
words
of
the
great
Winston
Churchill,
Churchill
you played yourself.
you
played
yourself
But the important thing is, we're going
But
the
important
thing
is
we're
going
to focus the entirety of the show today
to
focus
the
entirety
of
the
show
today
on the complexity of what a new nuclear
on
the
complexity
of
what
a
new
nuclear
enrichment inspection regime will look
enrichment
inspection
regime
will
look
like
like
for the hardliners that are NOW IN
for
the
hardliners
that
are
NOW
IN
KENTUCKY.
KENTUCKY
I'VE BEEN [ __ ] WITH YOU THE WHOLE
I'VE
BEEN
__
WITH
YOU
THE
WHOLE
[screaming] TIME.
screaming
TIME
I'M THIS WHOLE SHOW I'VE JUST BEEN
I'M
THIS
WHOLE
SHOW
I'VE
JUST
BEEN
[ __ ] WITH YOU.
__
WITH
YOU
YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT?
YOU
KNOW
WHAT
WE'RE
GOING
TO
TALK
ABOUT
ON SATURDAY NIGHT, THIS FREE [cheering]
ON
SATURDAY
NIGHT
THIS
FREE
cheering
THROW
THROW
FROM
FROM
OG ANUNOBY
OG
ANUNOBY
ICED [cheering]
ICED
cheering
A 94-90 VICTORY BY NEW YORK KNICKS NEW
A
94-90
VICTORY
BY
NEW
YORK
KNICKS
NEW
YORK KNICKERBOCKERS, ENDING 53 years of
YORK
KNICKERBOCKERS
ENDING
53
years
of
basketball futility. And the people
basketball
futility
And
the
people
responded with the appropriate level of
responded
with
the
appropriate
level
of
chill.
chill
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> By the way,
>>
By
the
way
do you ever be sitting at home and
do
you
ever
be
sitting
at
home
and
you're watching this kind of footage and
you're
watching
this
kind
of
footage
and
you wonder to yourself
you
wonder
to
yourself
Who the [ __ ] ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Who
the
__
ARE
THESE
PEOPLE
>> [screaming]
>>
screaming
>> OUT IN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK losing
>>
OUT
IN
THE
STREETS
OF
NEW
YORK
losing
their minds.
their
minds
Well, funny story.
Well
funny
story
The little guy on top of that other
The
little
guy
on
top
of
that
other
guy's shoulders,
guy's
shoulders
he works here.
he
works
here
THAT'S ONE OF OUR
THAT'S
ONE
OF
OUR
YEAH.
YEAH
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> THAT THAT CAME ACROSS OUR FEED AND WE'RE
>>
THAT
THAT
CAME
ACROSS
OUR
FEED
AND
WE'RE
LIKE, WHAT THE [ __ ]
LIKE
WHAT
THE
__
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> THAT'S ONE OF OUR WRITERS, MR. SCOTT
>>
THAT'S
ONE
OF
OUR
WRITERS
MR
SCOTT
HURKMAN.
HURKMAN
SCOTT!
SCOTT
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> HEY BOSS.
>>
HEY
BOSS
>> ALL RIGHT.
>>
ALL
RIGHT
HEY, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WAS THAT YOU
HEY
JUST
OUT
OF
CURIOSITY
WAS
THAT
YOU
IN THAT VIDEO?
IN
THAT
VIDEO
>> NO.
>>
NO
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> SCOTT?
>>
SCOTT
>> YEAH.
>>
YEAH
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
[applause]
applause
>> UH JUST A
>>
UH
JUST
A
RANDOM QUESTION. UH WHY ARE YOU STILL ON
RANDOM
QUESTION
UH
WHY
ARE
YOU
STILL
ON
THE SHOULDERS?
THE
SHOULDERS
>> I'M VERY SUPERSTITIOUS, so I'm up here
>>
I'M
VERY
SUPERSTITIOUS
so
I'm
up
here
till next YEAR'S FINALS. LET'S GO!
till
next
YEAR'S
FINALS
LET'S
GO
>> ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF
>>
ALL
RIGHT
GET
OUT
OF
[screaming and cheering] HERE.
screaming
and
cheering
HERE
SCOTT, CAN YOU GUYS STOP sitting on
SCOTT
CAN
YOU
GUYS
STOP
sitting
on
that? GET OUT OF HERE. GIVE ME THAT
that
GET
OUT
OF
HERE
GIVE
ME
THAT
JERSEY AND GET OUT.
JERSEY
AND
GET
OUT
>> LET'S GO NEXT
>>
LET'S
GO
NEXT
>> ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF HERE.
>>
ALL
RIGHT
GET
OUT
OF
HERE
THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART.
THAT
WAS
MY
FAVORITE
PART
IT WAS AN incredible night. All across
IT
WAS
AN
incredible
night
All
across
the city, everyone was out celebrating.
the
city
everyone
was
out
celebrating
They were in the streets. They were in
They
were
in
the
streets
They
were
in
the subways. Uh we had we had drum
the
subways
Uh
we
had
we
had
drum
lines. We had bagpipes. WE HAD
lines
We
had
bagpipes
WE
HAD
FIREWORKS. BAGPIPES. And we had an MTA
FIREWORKS
BAGPIPES
And
we
had
an
MTA
bus driver BREAKING IT DOWN.
bus
driver
BREAKING
IT
DOWN
>> [music]
>>
music
[applause]
applause
>> MTA, MORE like empty sleigh.
>>
MTA
MORE
like
empty
sleigh
By the way, I love how the bus driver
By
the
way
I
love
how
the
bus
driver
gave back the liquor bottle they handed
gave
back
the
liquor
bottle
they
handed
him. Like, no, seriously, I do have to
him
Like
no
seriously
I
do
have
to
drive.
drive
I am I am in fact a professional bus
I
am
I
am
in
fact
a
professional
bus
driver who work
driver
who
work
It was such a special night. The Knicks
It
was
such
a
special
night
The
Knicks
victory brought out appearances by the
victory
brought
out
appearances
by
the
entire NYC you. There was Spider-Man,
entire
NYC
you
There
was
Spider-Man
and there was also Spider-Man, and then
and
there
was
also
Spider-Man
and
then
there was of course Spider-Man. AND OH
there
was
of
course
Spider-Man
AND
OH
NO SPIDER-MAN!
NO
SPIDER-MAN
AND THEN THERE WAS BATMAN, AND OF COURSE
AND
THEN
THERE
WAS
BATMAN
AND
OF
COURSE
BACK TO SPIDER-MAN.
BACK
TO
SPIDER-MAN
>> AMAZING! WE CHAMPS! FINALLY! IT'S BEEN
>>
AMAZING
WE
CHAMPS
FINALLY
IT'S
BEEN
FOREVER!
FOREVER
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> WHO GAVE SPIDER-MAN THE MICROPHONE?
>>
WHO
GAVE
SPIDER-MAN
THE
MICROPHONE
BY THE WAY, I WONDER IF WHEN THOSE
BY
THE
WAY
I
WONDER
IF
WHEN
THOSE
Spider-Men saw each other, you know, if
Spider-Men
saw
each
other
you
know
if
there was any confusion about which one
there
was
any
confusion
about
which
one
was
was
I wonder if they were
I
wonder
if
they
were
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> All right.
>>
All
right
I'm at
I'm
at
acting out there. All right.
acting
out
there
All
right
And then just when you thought it was
And
then
just
when
you
thought
it
was
over
over
NYC you brought out a post-credit
NYC
you
brought
out
a
post-credit
cutscene
cutscene
of the Hulk.
of
the
Hulk
HULK SMASH!
HULK
SMASH
HULK ANGRY!
HULK
ANGRY
HULK BET SPURS IN SIX!
HULK
BET
SPURS
IN
SIX
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> THAT DUDE WAS JUST WHALING ON anybody
>>
THAT
DUDE
WAS
JUST
WHALING
ON
anybody
who was But you know what's crazy?
who
was
But
you
know
what's
crazy
If that guy throwing them haymakers had
If
that
guy
throwing
them
haymakers
had
BEEN WEMBY, THE REFS WOULDN'T HAVE
BEEN
WEMBY
THE
REFS
WOULDN'T
HAVE
[ __ ] CALLED IT A FOUL. THEY WOULD
__
CALLED
IT
A
FOUL
THEY
WOULD
NOT. THEY WOULD HAVE LET IT GO.
NOT
THEY
WOULD
HAVE
LET
IT
GO
HE COULD HAVE BEEN THROWING THOSE IN
HE
COULD
HAVE
BEEN
THROWING
THOSE
IN
WELL, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT HIM TO CONTROL
WELL
HOW
CAN
YOU
EXPECT
HIM
TO
CONTROL
HIS MOVEMENTS? HIS ARMS ARE SO LONG.
HIS
MOVEMENTS
HIS
ARMS
ARE
SO
LONG
HOW CAN HE NOT TRIP PEOPLE? HE'S 112 FT
HOW
CAN
HE
NOT
TRIP
PEOPLE
HE'S
112
FT
TALL.
TALL
WOULD YOU CALL A FOUL ON THE EMPIRE
WOULD
YOU
CALL
A
FOUL
ON
THE
EMPIRE
STATE BUILDING? NO, YOU WOULDN'T.
STATE
BUILDING
NO
YOU
WOULDN'T
AND BY THE WAY, NEW YORK is so awesome
AND
BY
THE
WAY
NEW
YORK
is
so
awesome
that even the people here that aren't
that
even
the
people
here
that
aren't
superheroes were suddenly superheroes.
superheroes
were
suddenly
superheroes
It's like the whole city had been bitten
It's
like
the
whole
city
had
been
bitten
by a radioactive spider.
by
a
radioactive
spider
My favorite though was THIS GUY CASUALLY
My
favorite
though
was
THIS
GUY
CASUALLY
PARKOURING ACROSS A LIGHT fixture to go
PARKOURING
ACROSS
A
LIGHT
fixture
to
go
from one end of the bus to the other.
from
one
end
of
the
bus
to
the
other
That's badass because I don't know if
That's
badass
because
I
don't
know
if
you know this on those buses, perfectly
you
know
this
on
those
buses
perfectly
passable aisle.
passable
aisle
He could have just walked down the
He
could
have
just
walked
down
the
aisle.
aisle
And ladies and gentlemen,
And
ladies
and
gentlemen
while I am not technically in light post
while
I
am
not
technically
in
light
post
scaling shape,
scaling
shape
I did attend the festivities. My friend
I
did
attend
the
festivities
My
friend
Mr. Robert Smigel, one of his sons, my
Mr
Robert
Smigel
one
of
his
sons
my
son, my wife, down in the village,
son
my
wife
down
in
the
village
outdoor watch party, pretty cool, and I
outdoor
watch
party
pretty
cool
and
I
handled it. I was pretty pretty
handled
it
I
was
pretty
pretty
Oh my god!
Oh
my
god
Oh my
Oh
my
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> Oh my
>>
Oh
my
Oh my
Oh
my
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> Did he say to me,
>>
Did
he
say
to
me
"I thought I was filming the game and I
I
thought
I
was
filming
the
game
and
I
just don't know how to work my phone."
just
don't
know
how
to
work
my
phone
OH MY GOD! IT REALLY SOUND LIKE I just
OH
MY
GOD
IT
REALLY
SOUND
LIKE
I
just
got a perfect colonoscopy report.
got
a
perfect
colonoscopy
report
OH MY GOD!
OH
MY
GOD
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> NOT A POLYP IN SIGHT!
>>
NOT
A
POLYP
IN
SIGHT
THERE WAS TRULY NO place I would have
THERE
WAS
TRULY
NO
place
I
would
have
rather been than right on the streets of
rather
been
than
right
on
the
streets
of
New York. And shout out to the unsung
New
York
And
shout
out
to
the
unsung
MVPs of the night, the people who had
MVPs
of
the
night
the
people
who
had
the genius idea to go out on their fire
the
genius
idea
to
go
out
on
their
fire
escapes and project the game onto the
escapes
and
project
the
game
onto
the
sides of building. No matter where you
sides
of
building
No
matter
where
you
were, the game was on from Central Park
were
the
game
was
on
from
Central
Park
to those uh phone charging kiosks to
to
those
uh
phone
charging
kiosks
to
atop the head of this ONE KINDLY
atop
the
head
of
this
ONE
KINDLY
GENTLEMAN.
GENTLEMAN
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S
AMAZING
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> 4 HOURS.
>>
4
HOURS
NO ONE HAD THE HEART to tell him, "You
NO
ONE
HAD
THE
HEART
to
tell
him
You
have to You have to PLUG IT IN."
have
to
You
have
to
PLUG
IT
IN
AND OF COURSE, OUR ALWAYS MVPs who keep
AND
OF
COURSE
OUR
ALWAYS
MVPs
who
keep
this city safe and clean for the rest of
this
city
safe
and
clean
for
the
rest
of
us to enjoy. New York's finest, New
us
to
enjoy
New
York's
finest
New
York's bravest, and New York's
York's
bravest
and
New
York's
definitely strongest, the sanitation
definitely
strongest
the
sanitation
department. And also, these two guys who
department
And
also
these
two
guys
who
clearly thought, "This is our chance to
clearly
thought
This
is
our
chance
to
do our part and help out the city
do
our
part
and
help
out
the
city
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> and get rid of a body."
>>
and
get
rid
of
a
body
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> T-shirt bros aren't out on the city at
>>
T-shirt
bros
aren't
out
on
the
city
at
5:00 a.m. throwing garbage bags into a
5:00
am
throwing
garbage
bags
into
a
truck unless they really need to get rid
truck
unless
they
really
need
to
get
rid
of [ __ ]
of
__
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> I left the city at 3:00 a.m. It was a
>>
I
left
the
city
at
3:00
am
It
was
a
bit of a mess. By 8:00 a.m., it's like
bit
of
a
mess
By
8:00
am
it's
like
the night never happened because they
the
night
never
happened
because
they
had to get ready for the Puerto Rican
had
to
get
ready
for
the
Puerto
Rican
Day parade, the World Cup, and Pride.
Day
parade
the
World
Cup
and
Pride
[ __ ] crazy here, and they did it
__
crazy
here
and
they
did
it
unbelievably well and beautifully. The
unbelievably
well
and
beautifully
The
point is this whole moment really showed
point
is
this
whole
moment
really
showed
the joy and beauty of life in this big
the
joy
and
beauty
of
life
in
this
big
city. I I I I have to tell you,
city
I
I
I
I
have
to
tell
you
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> I WAS SO PROUD.
>>
I
WAS
SO
PROUD
SO HAPPY.
SO
HAPPY
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> TRULY.
>>
TRULY
I
I
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I don't think
I'LL
BE
HONEST
WITH
YOU
I
don't
think
there's anyone out there who could look
there's
anyone
out
there
who
could
look
at those celebrations
at
those
celebrations
and see anything other than America at
and
see
anything
other
than
America
at
its best.
its
best
>> Celebrations turning into full-blown
>>
Celebrations
turning
into
full-blown
chaos. Mayhem in Manhattan. Unruly
chaos
Mayhem
in
Manhattan
Unruly
troublemakers. One person was shot. Four
troublemakers
One
person
was
shot
Four
injured in slashings or stabbings. And
injured
in
slashings
or
stabbings
And
five police cars were badly damaged.
five
police
cars
were
badly
damaged
>> Um on a Saturday night?
>>
Um
on
a
Saturday
night
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> I think that might be a record low.
>>
I
think
that
might
be
a
record
low
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> BUT NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I GET WHAT
>>
BUT
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
I
GET
WHAT
THEY'RE TRYING TO DO. I GET WHAT THEY'RE
THEY'RE
TRYING
TO
DO
I
GET
WHAT
THEY'RE
TRYING TO DO. They're focusing on the
TRYING
TO
DO
They're
focusing
on
the
bad stuff uh uh
bad
stuff
uh
uh
to portray that the prevailing emotion
to
portray
that
the
prevailing
emotion
and behavior in New York City on that
and
behavior
in
New
York
City
on
that
Saturday night was one of chaos and
Saturday
night
was
one
of
chaos
and
barbarity, but I was there. You're
barbarity
but
I
was
there
You're
lying. It wasn't. It was an overwhelming
lying
It
wasn't
It
was
an
overwhelming
sense of joy and solidarity and
sense
of
joy
and
solidarity
and
diversity and community and a good
diversity
and
community
and
a
good
amount of crying and a lot of contact
amount
of
crying
and
a
lot
of
contact
high. And we are just so sorry,
high
And
we
are
just
so
sorry
right-wing media, that we in New York
right-wing
media
that
we
in
New
York
City couldn't live up to your definition
City
couldn't
live
up
to
your
definition
of a peaceful gathering.
of
a
peaceful
gathering
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> Now, that's how you behave in public.
>>
Now
that's
how
you
behave
in
public
Although, to be fair to that mob, you
Although
to
be
fair
to
that
mob
you
know, they lost. SO.
know
they
lost
SO
ANGER JUSTIFIABLE.
ANGER
JUSTIFIABLE
But I guess it's all about what side of
But
I
guess
it's
all
about
what
side
of
the aisle you sit on. Where you see a
the
aisle
you
sit
on
Where
you
see
a
mob destroying a school bus, I see
mob
destroying
a
school
bus
I
see
people of all faiths and creeds and
people
of
all
faiths
and
creeds
and
colors and sexualities coming together
colors
and
sexualities
coming
together
to destroy a school bus.
to
destroy
a
school
bus
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> It ain't A MELTING POT UNTIL YOU LET
>>
It
ain't
A
MELTING
POT
UNTIL
YOU
LET
THAT [ __ ] ON FIRE.
THAT
__
ON
FIRE
SO, RIGHT-WING MEDIA, you cannot tear us
SO
RIGHT-WING
MEDIA
you
cannot
tear
us
apart. Our mayor is Muslim, our bagels
apart
Our
mayor
is
Muslim
our
bagels
are Jewish, our Timothée Chalamet.
are
Jewish
our
Timothée
Chalamet
NIXON FIVE.
NIXON
FIVE
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> BUT, YOU KNOW,
>>
BUT
YOU
KNOW
HONESTLY, LOOK, MAN, some [ __ ] happened
HONESTLY
LOOK
MAN
some
__
happened
that wasn't great. The night was marred
that
wasn't
great
The
night
was
marred
by some violence. I mean, what would you
by
some
violence
I
mean
what
would
you
guys on the right rather be watching?
guys
on
the
right
rather
be
watching
>> The White House is getting ready to
>>
The
White
House
is
getting
ready
to
rumble with UFC. Very excited to see
rumble
with
UFC
Very
excited
to
see
this.
this
>> Epic, epic day.
>>
Epic
epic
day
>> Hey.
>>
Hey
Isn't that awesome?
Isn't
that
awesome
>> Fight night.
>>
Fight
night
>> And I'm actually personally looking
>>
And
I'm
actually
personally
looking
forward to it very, very much. I have a
forward
to
it
very
very
much
I
have
a
ticket. Plus one, my brother. Got to
ticket
Plus
one
my
brother
Got
to
tell you, I'm pumped. I feel like my
tell
you
I'm
pumped
I
feel
like
my
life is going to change this weekend.
life
is
going
to
change
this
weekend
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Is that guy trying to his brother? What
>>
Is
that
guy
trying
to
his
brother
What
what what I don't know what's GOING ON
what
what
I
don't
know
what's
GOING
ON
HERE.
HERE
I TOOK MY BROTHER.
I
TOOK
MY
BROTHER
WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE HOLDING ON,
WE'RE
PROBABLY
GOING
TO
BE
HOLDING
ON
but I don't know what's going to happen.
but
I
don't
know
what's
going
to
happen
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> So,
>>
So
you didn't care for New York's joyful
you
didn't
care
for
New
York's
joyful
night marred by a small amount of
night
marred
by
a
small
amount
of
violence because it wasn't focused
violence
because
it
wasn't
focused
enough on the violence part?
enough
on
the
violence
part
Yes, Sunday night gave the president and
Yes
Sunday
night
gave
the
president
and
his acolytes an opportunity rebut the
his
acolytes
an
opportunity
rebut
the
joyous communion of teamwork that
joyous
communion
of
teamwork
that
embodied the New York Knickerbockers for
embodied
the
New
York
Knickerbockers
for
a joyless Vegas style trudge through the
a
joyless
Vegas
style
trudge
through
the
people's house now transformed into a
people's
house
now
transformed
into
a
gold-plated pummeling center where the
gold-plated
pummeling
center
where
the
gladiators god was praised for his
gladiators
god
was
praised
for
his
forbearance and of course nut sack.
forbearance
and
of
course
nut
sack
>> Shout out to Trump for having the balls
>>
Shout
out
to
Trump
for
having
the
balls
to put some [ __ ] like this on.
to
put
some
__
like
this
on
>> And if you were at home watching this
>>
And
if
you
were
at
home
watching
this
thinking to yourself is this a parody?
thinking
to
yourself
is
this
a
parody
Are they filming Idiocracy?
Are
they
filming
Idiocracy
Next thing you know, they will be
Next
thing
you
know
they
will
be
branding the cutaways to our country's
branding
the
cutaways
to
our
country's
commander-in-chief.
commander-in-chief
>> I got to thank President Trump for
>>
I
got
to
thank
President
Trump
for
making this happen. This is
making
this
happen
This
is
unbelievable. It takes such a special
unbelievable
It
takes
such
a
special
person to be able to have the balls to
person
to
be
able
to
have
the
balls
to
do something like this and I have so
do
something
like
this
and
I
have
so
much respect for him.
much
respect
for
him
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Monster energy drink?
>>
Monster
energy
drink
Is that really cool?
Is
that
really
cool
Are we now just taunting THE OLD MAN?
Are
we
now
just
taunting
THE
OLD
MAN
PRETTY LATE NIGHT MR. PRESIDENT. Getting
PRETTY
LATE
NIGHT
MR
PRESIDENT
Getting
sleepy? Got an early negotiation in the
sleepy
Got
an
early
negotiation
in
the
morning?
morning
I BET YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO THROW
I
BET
YOU'RE
NOT
MAN
ENOUGH
TO
THROW
DOWN A RED, WHITE, AND BLUE RASPBERRY
DOWN
A
RED
WHITE
AND
BLUE
RASPBERRY
SNAZZLE BERRY.
SNAZZLE
BERRY
COME ON [ __ ] SNAZZLE YOUR TAINT OFF.
COME
ON
__
SNAZZLE
YOUR
TAINT
OFF
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> WHAT A GODAWFUL mockery of an event that
>>
WHAT
A
GODAWFUL
mockery
of
an
event
that
somehow managed to find a way to devalue
somehow
managed
to
find
a
way
to
devalue
both combat sports and our national
both
combat
sports
and
our
national
dignity. Who even aired this
dignity
Who
even
aired
this
embarrassing [ __ ]
embarrassing
__
>> The event aired on Paramount Plus.
>>
The
event
aired
on
Paramount
Plus
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
[applause]
applause
[applause]
applause
>> And what a fine event it was.
>>
And
what
a
fine
event
it
was
Once once again,
Once
once
again
the leaders of Paramount Plus providing
the
leaders
of
Paramount
Plus
providing
us all with incredible content at
us
all
with
incredible
content
at
reasonable prices.
reasonable
prices
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> I I am proud to stand with the Paramount
>>
I
I
am
proud
to
stand
with
the
Paramount
family and whatever shows they decide to
family
and
whatever
shows
they
decide
to
either cancel or put on.
either
cancel
or
put
on
>> And lastly,
>>
And
lastly
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> MICHELLE OBAMA IS A MAN. AM I RIGHT,
>>
MICHELLE
OBAMA
IS
A
MAN
AM
I
RIGHT
AMERICA?
AMERICA
>> MY GOD, WHAT A [ __ ] [ __ ]
>>
MY
GOD
WHAT
A
__
__
UH YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S AN [ __ ]
UH
YOU
KNOW
WHAT
HE'S
AN
__
AN [ __ ]
AN
__
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> I LOOK FORWARD TO HIS PERFORMANCE ON
>>
I
LOOK
FORWARD
TO
HIS
PERFORMANCE
ON
next week's Comics Unleashed.
next
week's
Comics
Unleashed
I'LL LET MYSELF OUT. UM
I'LL
LET
MYSELF
OUT
UM
AND BY THE WAY, if you thought this
AND
BY
THE
WAY
if
you
thought
this
entire spectacle was inappropriate for
entire
spectacle
was
inappropriate
for
something that takes place in the
something
that
takes
place
in
the
peripheral vision of Lincoln,
peripheral
vision
of
Lincoln
well, that's a you problem.
well
that's
a
you
problem
>> Something that middle America, the
>>
Something
that
middle
America
the
average American could connect with.
average
American
could
connect
with
>> It's coming back to a sense of like we
>>
It's
coming
back
to
a
sense
of
like
we
don't need the snobby elites anymore
don't
need
the
snobby
elites
anymore
pretending they're too good for us.
pretending
they're
too
good
for
us
>> Yeah, you know, the average American,
>>
Yeah
you
know
the
average
American
they don't want their White House to
they
don't
want
their
White
House
to
stand for certain morals and values. The
stand
for
certain
morals
and
values
The
regular people in this country want
regular
people
in
this
country
want
their president to live in a slightly
their
president
to
live
in
a
slightly
more violent Hooters
more
violent
Hooters
or a slightly less violent Waffle House.
or
a
slightly
less
violent
Waffle
House
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> But somehow those of us who live in the
>>
But
somehow
those
of
us
who
live
in
the
[ __ ] parts of the country are the
__
parts
of
the
country
are
the
ones looking down on you?
ones
looking
down
on
you
>> They'd probably be having like a pride
>>
They'd
probably
be
having
like
a
pride
show or something for 250th with with
show
or
something
for
250th
with
with
you know half naked men.
you
know
half
naked
men
>> DID YOU EVEN WATCH?
>>
DID
YOU
EVEN
WATCH
DID YOU EVEN WATCH? DID YOU WATCH?
DID
YOU
EVEN
WATCH
DID
YOU
WATCH
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> GOD, I'M SO
>>
GOD
I'M
SO
[ __ ] TIRED OF THIS. YOU GUYS ALWAYS
__
TIRED
OF
THIS
YOU
GUYS
ALWAYS
TRYING TO DRAW distinction between the
TRYING
TO
DRAW
distinction
between
the
real America of the heartland and the
real
America
of
the
heartland
and
the
elites in the big city, but it's never
elites
in
the
big
city
but
it's
never
been true.
been
true
If being a real American means
If
being
a
real
American
means
sacrificing and working your ass off to
sacrificing
and
working
your
ass
off
to
try and achieve the dream of a better
try
and
achieve
the
dream
of
a
better
life for your children,
life
for
your
children
no Americans are more real than New
no
Americans
are
more
real
than
New
Yorkers. None of them. We have 8 and a
Yorkers
None
of
them
We
have
8
and
a
half million people here.
half
million
people
here
There're probably more hard-working
There're
probably
more
hard-working
American value individuals in the
American
value
individuals
in
the
liberal hellhole of New York City than
liberal
hellhole
of
New
York
City
than
exist in the entire states of Wyoming,
exist
in
the
entire
states
of
Wyoming
Idaho, and Mississippi combined.
Idaho
and
Mississippi
combined
And yes, maybe 2 to 3% of those people
And
yes
maybe
2
to
3
of
those
people
are
are
Spider-Man, but still
Spider-Man
but
still
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Most New Yorkers don't go to the Met
>>
Most
New
Yorkers
don't
go
to
the
Met
Gala.
Gala
And trust me, there are elites in the
And
trust
me
there
are
elites
in
the
heartland too.
heartland
too
I know for a fact Tulsa is ruled by
I
know
for
a
fact
Tulsa
is
ruled
by
kings.
kings
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> New York's a hard place to live, man.
>>
New
York's
a
hard
place
to
live
man
It's a hard city to live in.
It's
a
hard
city
to
live
in
There's a hundred different
There's
a
hundred
different
nationalities in a two-block radius.
nationalities
in
a
two-block
radius
10 lbs of people in a 5 lb bag. And it's
10
lbs
of
people
in
a
5
lb
bag
And
it's
one of those bags that people should
one
of
those
bags
that
people
should
really use to clean up after their dogs,
really
use
to
clean
up
after
their
dogs
but they don't. They sometimes don't.
but
they
don't
They
sometimes
don't
But that's why weekends, like the one we
But
that's
why
weekends
like
the
one
we
just had, are all the more magical.
just
had
are
all
the
more
magical
Where you feel the joy and striving and
Where
you
feel
the
joy
and
striving
and
hope, and let's face it, aroma of the
hope
and
let's
face
it
aroma
of
the
people
people
that you live really too close to.
that
you
live
really
too
close
to
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> The real division in America isn't
>>
The
real
division
in
America
isn't
between cities and rural areas or
between
cities
and
rural
areas
or
suburbs or heartland values and coastal
suburbs
or
heartland
values
and
coastal
elites or liberals and conservatives.
elites
or
liberals
and
conservatives
It's between people anywhere who find
It's
between
people
anywhere
who
find
joy in community versus those who seem
joy
in
community
versus
those
who
seem
to only find it in fealty.
to
only
find
it
in
fealty
And I know which America I want to
And
I
know
which
America
I
want
to
occasionally step in dog [ __ ] in.
occasionally
step
in
dog
__
in
Yesterday, Donald Trump touched down in
Yesterday
Donald
Trump
touched
down
in
France for the G7 Summit, a forum where
France
for
the
G7
Summit
a
forum
where
world leaders meet to discuss a book
world
leaders
meet
to
discuss
a
book
they all read.
they
all
read
This month's pick was Famesick, a really
This
month's
pick
was
Famesick
a
really
nice choice.
nice
choice
Now, the summit is being held in the
Now
the
summit
is
being
held
in
the
city of Evian, which costs twice as much
city
of
Evian
which
costs
twice
as
much
as a normal city
as
a
normal
city
for no reason at all.
for
no
reason
at
all
I mean, would it kill you to hold this
I
mean
would
it
kill
you
to
hold
this
conference in the village of Kirkland
conference
in
the
village
of
Kirkland
Signature? I mean, COME ON.
Signature
I
mean
COME
ON
LOOK.
LOOK
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> ELITES, THE ELITES. BUT REGARDLESS,
>>
ELITES
THE
ELITES
BUT
REGARDLESS
TRUMP'S been having a blast. President
TRUMP'S
been
having
a
blast
President
Emmanuel Macron welcomed him in what
Emmanuel
Macron
welcomed
him
in
what
seemed like a very special edition of
seemed
like
a
very
special
edition
of
the Golden Bachelor.
the
Golden
Bachelor
Très magnifique.
Très
magnifique
Cannot wait to get into the hot tub with
Cannot
wait
to
get
into
the
hot
tub
with
this little number.
this
little
number
Now, Trump's goal at the summit is to
Now
Trump's
goal
at
the
summit
is
to
work with our allies and strengthen
work
with
our
allies
and
strengthen
America's standing in the world. I'M
America's
standing
in
the
world
I'M
KIDDING WITH YOU.
KIDDING
WITH
YOU
NO, HE'S THERE FOR THE PRESENTS.
NO
HE'S
THERE
FOR
THE
PRESENTS
>> The German Chancellor offering President
>>
The
German
Chancellor
offering
President
Trump a customized German football
Trump
a
customized
German
football
jersey.
jersey
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[laughter]
laughter
>> You can tell he really loves it, you
>>
You
can
tell
he
really
loves
it
you
know.
know
Oh, it says medium shirt. Yeah, thanks.
Oh
it
says
medium
shirt
Yeah
thanks
You know, Cutter got me a plane, right?
You
know
Cutter
got
me
a
plane
right
Although, if the Germans insist on
Although
if
the
Germans
insist
on
giving Trump one of their uniforms,
giving
Trump
one
of
their
uniforms
this probably is the best case scenario.
this
probably
is
the
best
case
scenario
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Just think of it, throw him.
>>
Just
think
of
it
throw
him
He's into those heritage editions.
He's
into
those
heritage
editions
That's not to say President Trump showed
That's
not
to
say
President
Trump
showed
up to the G7 empty bruised handed. No.
up
to
the
G7
empty
bruised
handed
No
Because he had his own gift for Europe.
Because
he
had
his
own
gift
for
Europe
A peace deal with Iran that he just
A
peace
deal
with
Iran
that
he
just
signed two days before. Or Or did he?
signed
two
days
before
Or
Or
did
he
>> The President and the Vice President
>>
The
President
and
the
Vice
President
signed this agreement electronically 48
signed
this
agreement
electronically
48
hours ago.
hours
ago
>> Well, well, well. An electronic
>>
Well
well
well
An
electronic
signature huh?
signature
huh
Looks like the auto pen er has become
Looks
like
the
auto
pen
er
has
become
the auto pen e.
the
auto
pen
e
Got him. Got him. Take that.
Got
him
Got
him
Take
that
Hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy
Seriously, is a DocuSign peace agreement
Seriously
is
a
DocuSign
peace
agreement
even legally binding?
even
legally
binding
There's something disqualifying about a
There's
something
disqualifying
about
a
treaty that was signed in an open tab
treaty
that
was
signed
in
an
open
tab
next to Pornhub.
next
to
Pornhub
Now.
Now
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> Police dragging there. Now, so far,
>>
Police
dragging
there
Now
so
far
Trump is keeping the details of the deal
Trump
is
keeping
the
details
of
the
deal
hidden, but it doesn't matter. Because
hidden
but
it
doesn't
matter
Because
the leaders in the region like the
the
leaders
in
the
region
like
the
President of the UAE are just happy for
President
of
the
UAE
are
just
happy
for
peace.
peace
>> Without your support, your commitment to
>>
Without
your
support
your
commitment
to
this President,
this
President
not my country only, but
not
my
country
only
but
the Middle East will be in a different
the
Middle
East
will
be
in
a
different
place in the world.
place
in
the
world
Different the situation today.
Different
the
situation
today
>> Wow.
>>
Wow
How moving.
How
moving
I assume it was a
I
assume
it
was
a
little hard to hear him.
little
hard
to
hear
him
But I'm sure his demeanor of gratitude
But
I'm
sure
his
demeanor
of
gratitude
and humility is what resonated with
and
humility
is
what
resonated
with
President Trump.
President
Trump
>> We love it. Thank you, my friend.
>>
We
love
it
Thank
you
my
friend
See, when you're that rich,
See
when
you're
that
rich
you can speak that low.
you
can
speak
that
low
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> I was just wondering, can anybody hear
>>
I
was
just
wondering
can
anybody
hear
that? But when you're so rich, you have
that
But
when
you're
so
rich
you
have
such confidence
such
confidence
that you don't have to do any strain to
that
you
don't
have
to
do
any
strain
to
the voice.
the
voice
He's great.
He's
great
>> Wow.
>>
Wow
This broken man just had his whole
This
broken
man
just
had
his
whole
country droned and Trump is like, "Hey,
country
droned
and
Trump
is
like
Hey
check out the president of ASMR over
check
out
the
president
of
ASMR
over
here huh?"
here
huh
What's the matter? Drone got your
What's
the
matter
Drone
got
your
tongue?
tongue
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Ah, he's a great guy, great guy, great
>>
Ah
he's
a
great
guy
great
guy
great
guy.
guy
This is a big deal. The war is finally
This
is
a
big
deal
The
war
is
finally
coming to an end for the 39th and final
coming
to
an
end
for
the
39th
and
final
time.
time
We have now reached the Iran war
We
have
now
reached
the
Iran
war
finished V2 final final
finished
V2
final
final
final
final
for real this time dot [cheering]
for
real
this
time
dot
cheering
PDF stage of the whole thing.
PDF
stage
of
the
whole
thing
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> Wow. [cheering] Okay. But I can only
>>
Wow
cheering
Okay
But
I
can
only
imagine Trump must be so excited to go
imagine
Trump
must
be
so
excited
to
go
to this historic signing ceremony on
to
this
historic
signing
ceremony
on
Friday.
Friday
>> Sir, are you going to try to attend the
>>
Sir
are
you
going
to
try
to
attend
the
signing ceremony on Friday?
signing
ceremony
on
Friday
>> Well, it depends. Uh Jared is coming in
>>
Well
it
depends
Uh
Jared
is
coming
in
for it. He was originally going to do
for
it
He
was
originally
going
to
do
it. I I'll probably be gone by then.
it
I
I'll
probably
be
gone
by
then
We're having
We're
having
dinner in
dinner
in
a day and a half. Jared, we're going to
a
day
and
a
half
Jared
we're
going
to
be staying quite late.
be
staying
quite
late
>> Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,
>>
Oh
hold
on
hold
on
hold
on
hold
on
hold on.
hold
on
You're You're not going to make the
You're
You're
not
going
to
make
the
signing ceremony on Friday because of
signing
ceremony
on
Friday
because
of
your dinner on Wednesday?
your
dinner
on
Wednesday
Just say you don't want to go.
Just
say
you
don't
want
to
go
Don't insult our intelligence, you know.
Don't
insult
our
intelligence
you
know
Oh, I think dinner might go like 50
Oh
I
think
dinner
might
go
like
50
hours late.
hours
late
Then I have Don Jr.'s improv show. Then
Then
I
have
Don
Jr's
improv
show
Then
it's Ramadan, you know how seriously I
it's
Ramadan
you
know
how
seriously
I
take that. Uh
take
that
Uh
But, if you're missing the war for a
But
if
you're
missing
the
war
for
a
dinner, you better be going someplace
dinner
you
better
be
going
someplace
nice. I'm talking Cheesecake Factory or
nice
I'm
talking
Cheesecake
Factory
or
above.
above
>> The French president, who happens to be
>>
The
French
president
who
happens
to
be
a very nice man,
a
very
nice
man
invited me to dinner
invited
me
to
dinner
at Versailles.
at
Versailles
And Versailles is not a gold leaf.
And
Versailles
is
not
a
gold
leaf
Versailles is the real deal.
Versailles
is
the
real
deal
>> All right. Dinner at Versailles. Okay,
>>
All
right
Dinner
at
Versailles
Okay
you know what? I'm going to give Trump
you
know
what
I'm
going
to
give
Trump
this one. That's been That's been pinned
this
one
That's
been
That's
been
pinned
on his Pinterest board since he was 12
on
his
Pinterest
board
since
he
was
12
years [cheering] old.
years
cheering
old
Huh?
Huh
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> I mean
>>
I
mean
Versailles is a beautiful palace of gold
Versailles
is
a
beautiful
palace
of
gold
and mirrors where nothing bad ever
and
mirrors
where
nothing
bad
ever
happens to rich people, yeah?
happens
to
rich
people
yeah
It's his happy place. It's where the
It's
his
happy
place
It's
where
the
Trump family goes to respawn.
Trump
family
goes
to
respawn
And of course, if you're at dinner, you
And
of
course
if
you're
at
dinner
you
can't sign an agreement. Who's ever
can't
sign
an
agreement
Who's
ever
heard of signing a treaty at Versailles?
heard
of
signing
a
treaty
at
Versailles
It can't be done.
It
can't
be
done
OH.
OH
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? [applause]
>>
YOU
KNOW
WHAT
applause
ENJOY IT. ENJOY IT.
ENJOY
IT
ENJOY
IT
ENJOY YOUR BEAUTIFUL DINNER AT THE
ENJOY
YOUR
BEAUTIFUL
DINNER
AT
THE
BEAUTIFUL PALACE because pretty soon you
BEAUTIFUL
PALACE
because
pretty
soon
you
have to come back to Washington, D.C.
have
to
come
back
to
Washington
DC
where things have taken a turn.
where
things
have
taken
a
turn
>> The newly renovated reflecting pool,
>>
The
newly
renovated
reflecting
pool
which was painted American flag blue,
which
was
painted
American
flag
blue
turned green with algae over the
turned
green
with
algae
over
the
weekend.
weekend
>> HOLY [ __ ] [laughter]
>>
HOLY
__
laughter
THAT POOL IS GREEN.
THAT
POOL
IS
GREEN
LOOKS LIKE there was a Grinch orgy in
LOOKS
LIKE
there
was
a
Grinch
orgy
in
it.
it
Looks like the bathtub where Kermit slit
Looks
like
the
bathtub
where
Kermit
slit
his wrists.
his
wrists
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Looks like the Statue of Liberty's
>>
Looks
like
the
Statue
of
Liberty's
placenta in there. AM I RIGHT?
placenta
in
there
AM
I
RIGHT
OH NO.
OH
NO
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> HEY, THANK YOU. Thank you.
>>
HEY
THANK
YOU
Thank
you
I guilted you into it. Thank you.
I
guilted
you
into
it
Thank
you
Well, look, they put $14 million into
Well
look
they
put
14
million
into
building a state-of-the-art system for
building
a
state-of-the-art
system
for
keeping this pool clean. I bet we're
keeping
this
pool
clean
I
bet
we're
going to see some pretty high-tech
going
to
see
some
pretty
high-tech
solutions kick in any minute.
solutions
kick
in
any
minute
>> You can see that the folks standing at
>>
You
can
see
that
the
folks
standing
at
the end, they're dumping jugs of some
the
end
they're
dumping
jugs
of
some
kind of a liquid into the water of the
kind
of
a
liquid
into
the
water
of
the
reflecting pool.
reflecting
pool
>> I'm sure. Just dumping gallons of
>>
I'm
sure
Just
dumping
gallons
of
hydrogen peroxide. Just love that guys.
hydrogen
peroxide
Just
love
that
guys
First thought, best thought. That's what
First
thought
best
thought
That's
what
I always say.
I
always
say
You know what? As someone who's tried to
You
know
what
As
someone
who's
tried
to
clean a humidifier the same way, might I
clean
a
humidifier
the
same
way
might
I
recommend just buying a new reflecting
recommend
just
buying
a
new
reflecting
pool at Target?
pool
at
Target
The funny thing
The
funny
thing
The funny thing about this story
The
funny
thing
about
this
story
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> is that no one would have cared what the
>>
is
that
no
one
would
have
cared
what
the
pool looked like if Donald Trump hadn't
pool
looked
like
if
Donald
Trump
hadn't
made it a centerpiece of the MAGA agenda
made
it
a
centerpiece
of
the
MAGA
agenda
for some reason. But he did, which means
for
some
reason
But
he
did
which
means
that the people who believe in the MAGA
that
the
people
who
believe
in
the
MAGA
agenda, people like right-wing radio
agenda
people
like
right-wing
radio
host Grant Stinchfield, they're going to
host
Grant
Stinchfield
they're
going
to
have some interesting ideas about how
have
some
interesting
ideas
about
how
this all happened.
this
all
happened
>> There's algae in here again.
>>
There's
algae
in
here
again
I feel LIKE IT'S SABOTAGE.
I
feel
LIKE
IT'S
SABOTAGE
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> OH GOD.
>>
OH
GOD
JUST PLEASE tell me we're not doing a
JUST
PLEASE
tell
me
we're
not
doing
a
reflecting pool conspiracy theory. Just
reflecting
pool
conspiracy
theory
Just
please tell me we're not doing a
please
tell
me
we're
not
doing
a
reflecting pool conspiracy theory.
reflecting
pool
conspiracy
theory
>> I mean, they had just literally fixed
>>
I
mean
they
had
just
literally
fixed
this. You would not have that
this
You
would
not
have
that
that quickly
that
quickly
unless somebody did something. I'm
unless
somebody
did
something
I'm
telling you, I think they want Trump to
telling
you
I
think
they
want
Trump
to
fail so badly that they'll come out here
fail
so
badly
that
they'll
come
out
here
and do anything.
and
do
anything
>> I agree with you.
>>
I
agree
with
you
>> As proud as I was of President Trump for
>>
As
proud
as
I
was
of
President
Trump
for
finally getting this thing fixed,
finally
getting
this
thing
fixed
we're back to green.
we're
back
to
green
And again, is it nefarious?
And
again
is
it
nefarious
I tend to think so.
I
tend
to
think
so
>> Okay.
>>
Okay
I guess it is nefarious, if you think
I
guess
it
is
nefarious
if
you
think
about it, and then you don't think about
about
it
and
then
you
don't
think
about
it.
it
And if you don't think about it, algae
And
if
you
don't
think
about
it
algae
sounds a lot like al-Qaeda. Huh?
sounds
a
lot
like
al-Qaeda
Huh
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> I mean I mean how deep does this thing
>>
I
mean
I
mean
how
deep
does
this
thing
go?
go
My sources are telling me like about a
My
sources
are
telling
me
like
about
a
foot or a foot and a half, but
foot
or
a
foot
and
a
half
but
I mean Grant, Grant, what are we missing
I
mean
Grant
Grant
what
are
we
missing
here?
here
>> I still think it may have been sabotage,
>>
I
still
think
it
may
have
been
sabotage
even though the National Park Service
even
though
the
National
Park
Service
comes out and says, "No, no, no, it's
comes
out
and
says
No
no
no
it's
not sabotage." It uh they say it it uh
not
sabotage
It
uh
they
say
it
it
uh
uh it was algae residue left over in the
uh
it
was
algae
residue
left
over
in
the
pipes.
pipes
What if the bureaucrats left it over in
What
if
the
bureaucrats
left
it
over
in
the pipes on purpose? We know that those
the
pipes
on
purpose
We
know
that
those
inside government don't like President
inside
government
don't
like
President
Trump.
Trump
>> Yes, of course. Those pesky bureaucrats
>>
Yes
of
course
Those
pesky
bureaucrats
jumped into the pipes to LEAVE ALGAE IN
jumped
into
the
pipes
to
LEAVE
ALGAE
IN
THERE.
THERE
I I believe we have surveillance video
I
I
believe
we
have
surveillance
video
of THAT HAPPENING.
of
THAT
HAPPENING
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> YEAH.
>>
YEAH
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> YEAH.
>>
YEAH
YES.
YES
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> THIS THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF THE
>>
THIS
THIS
IS
THE
BEAUTY
OF
THE
MAGAVERSE. Donald Trump is never too
MAGAVERSE
Donald
Trump
is
never
too
corrupt or incompetent for the job if
corrupt
or
incompetent
for
the
job
if
you always come up with a new layer of
you
always
come
up
with
a
new
layer
of
bad guy to blame the problems on. So, I
bad
guy
to
blame
the
problems
on
So
I
know the deep state photosynthesis
know
the
deep
state
photosynthesis
theory sounds dopey, but so did rigged
theory
sounds
dopey
but
so
did
rigged
election at first, and look where that
election
at
first
and
look
where
that
got us. Before you know it, these guys
got
us
Before
you
know
it
these
guys
are going to be doing January 6th in the
are
going
to
be
doing
January
6th
in
the
reflecting pool.
reflecting
pool
Just splash it around chanting, "Dunk
Just
splash
it
around
chanting
Dunk
Mike Pence! Dunk Mike Pence!" We are 1
Mike
Pence
Dunk
Mike
Pence
We
are
1
week into the FIFA World Cup. AND YEAH.
week
into
the
FIFA
World
Cup
AND
YEAH
AND FIFA HEADS [cheering]
AND
FIFA
HEADS
cheering
GAMES ARE HAPPENING all over North
GAMES
ARE
HAPPENING
all
over
North
America. I am so pumped. I haven't used
America
I
am
so
pumped
I
haven't
used
my hands for anything all week.
my
hands
for
anything
all
week
Wiping my butt with my feet was a
Wiping
my
butt
with
my
feet
was
a
challenge, but don't worry, I'm still
challenge
but
don't
worry
I'm
still
working on figuring it out.
working
on
figuring
it
out
It's also been a big deal for the host
It's
also
been
a
big
deal
for
the
host
cities, although some could have
cities
although
some
could
have
prepared just a just a bit better.
prepared
just
a
just
a
bit
better
>> Boston has found an unintended
>>
Boston
has
found
an
unintended
consequence of the World Cup. They're
consequence
of
the
World
Cup
They're
running out of beer. Some bar owners say
running
out
of
beer
Some
bar
owners
say
soccer fans are drinking beer almost
soccer
fans
are
drinking
beer
almost
faster than they can pour it.
faster
than
they
can
pour
it
>> Boston ran out of beer?
>>
Boston
ran
out
of
beer
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> BUT HOW WILL THEY GET THE CHILDREN TO
>>
BUT
HOW
WILL
THEY
GET
THE
CHILDREN
TO
SLEEP?
SLEEP
And by the way, it's not just bars.
And
by
the
way
it's
not
just
bars
There's no beer in any of the places in
There's
no
beer
in
any
of
the
places
in
Boston that serve alcohol. Restaurants,
Boston
that
serve
alcohol
Restaurants
taverns libraries hospitals AA
taverns
libraries
hospitals
AA
meetings.
meetings
The city is bone dry. I mean, how could
The
city
is
bone
dry
I
mean
how
could
this have happened?
this
have
happened
>> There's a decent chance Scotland had
>>
There's
a
decent
chance
Scotland
had
something to do with it.
something
to
do
with
it
>> The way it was prior to it,
>>
The
way
it
was
prior
to
it
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> there was no beer. The sports fans just
>>
there
was
no
beer
The
sports
fans
just
drunk the place dry and all that had was
drunk
the
place
dry
and
all
that
had
was
like Bud Light.
like
Bud
Light
>> I love how even Scottish fans are like,
>>
I
love
how
even
Scottish
fans
are
like
"We're desperate for beer, but not like
We're
desperate
for
beer
but
not
like
Bud Light desperate."
Bud
Light
desperate
In fact, I believe we have a clip of a
In
fact
I
believe
we
have
a
clip
of
a
Scottish fan in Boston being told
Scottish
fan
in
Boston
being
told
there's only Bud Light left.
there's
only
Bud
Light
left
>> [music]
>>
music
[laughter]
laughter
>> It's a proud culture, a very proud
>>
It's
a
proud
culture
a
very
proud
culture.
culture
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> You know what? LET'S MOVE [cheering] ON.
>>
You
know
what
LET'S
MOVE
cheering
ON
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE ONLY THING MORE
LET'S
MOVE
ON
TO
THE
ONLY
THING
MORE
exciting than the World Cup, J.D. Vance.
exciting
than
the
World
Cup
JD
Vance
Now, he's been making the rounds to
Now
he's
been
making
the
rounds
to
promote his new book. He was on Fox
promote
his
new
book
He
was
on
Fox
News. He was on Megyn Kelly. He was on
News
He
was
on
Megyn
Kelly
He
was
on
The View. He was on CNN. And of course,
The
View
He
was
on
CNN
And
of
course
he also swung by the popular right-wing
he
also
swung
by
the
popular
right-wing
podcast Fat Guys with Goatees and
podcast
Fat
Guys
with
Goatees
and
Sunglasses.
Sunglasses
Now, obviously, this press tour has an
Now
obviously
this
press
tour
has
an
ulterior motive. It's no secret that
ulterior
motive
It's
no
secret
that
J.D. Vance wants to run for president
JD
Vance
wants
to
run
for
president
someday. But there is one little hiccup
someday
But
there
is
one
little
hiccup
that J.D. is trying to overcome.
that
JD
is
trying
to
overcome
>> J.D. Vance does not ooze warmth or
>>
JD
Vance
does
not
ooze
warmth
or
charm.
charm
>> the most charismatic individual.
>>
the
most
charismatic
individual
>> He lacks charisma.
>>
He
lacks
charisma
>> Truly zero charisma. Yeah, none.
>>
Truly
zero
charisma
Yeah
none
>> He has no rizz, which means charisma for
>>
He
has
no
rizz
which
means
charisma
for
you guys. We know what I mean with
you
guys
We
know
what
I
mean
with
charisma.
charisma
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> You know what? If this student council
>>
You
know
what
If
this
student
council
president says JD
president
says
JD
has no rizz,
has
no
rizz
I believe it.
I
believe
it
But this press tour is the perfect
But
this
press
tour
is
the
perfect
opportunity for JD to show off that
opportunity
for
JD
to
show
off
that
natural charm and camera presence that
natural
charm
and
camera
presence
that
will launch him to the presidency. JD,
will
launch
him
to
the
presidency
JD
hit us with a joke.
hit
us
with
a
joke
>> What do you call a fly with no wings?
>>
What
do
you
call
a
fly
with
no
wings
>> A walk.
>>
A
walk
>> A walk.
>>
A
walk
>> Okay, very good.
>>
Okay
very
good
Can you feel the electricity?
Can
you
feel
the
electricity
I don't know how you do it, but you make
I
don't
know
how
you
do
it
but
you
make
Mike Pence look like Richard Pryor.
Mike
Pence
look
like
Richard
Pryor
I mean, seriously.
I
mean
seriously
Seriously, JD, for someone whose mom did
Seriously
JD
for
someone
whose
mom
did
a lot of drugs, I thought you'd be
a
lot
of
drugs
I
thought
you'd
be
cooler.
cooler
But if JD's appearance on The Five
But
if
JD's
appearance
on
The
Five
didn't show his presidential chops, it
didn't
show
his
presidential
chops
it
did show how he is such a good vice
did
show
how
he
is
such
a
good
vice
president for Donald Trump.
president
for
Donald
Trump
Specifically, his lack of ability to
Specifically
his
lack
of
ability
to
speak up for himself. He'll stomach
speak
up
for
himself
He'll
stomach
anything that comes his way, even if
anything
that
comes
his
way
even
if
that thing is objectively disgusting.
that
thing
is
objectively
disgusting
>> All right, we got pickle cake here.
>>
All
right
we
got
pickle
cake
here
Dozens of layers of creamy green
Dozens
of
layers
of
creamy
green
frosting, complete with tiny chunks of
frosting
complete
with
tiny
chunks
of
pickle rind. I was going to do fudge cuz
pickle
rind
I
was
going
to
do
fudge
cuz
it's National Fudge Day for the VP, but
it's
National
Fudge
Day
for
the
VP
but
I thought it would be too gay.
I
thought
it
would
be
too
gay
So, I did pickle cake instead.
So
I
did
pickle
cake
instead
>> I'm not sure if I got it right.
>>
I'm
not
sure
if
I
got
it
right
>> pickle cake.
>>
pickle
cake
>> being here, Mr. Vice President.
>>
being
here
Mr
Vice
President
>> Okay, wait.
>>
Okay
wait
Hold up. You think fudge is gay, but the
Hold
up
You
think
fudge
is
gay
but
the
pickle CAKE IS STRAIGHT?
pickle
CAKE
IS
STRAIGHT
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> PICKLES ARE LITERALLY SHAPED LIKE A
>>
PICKLES
ARE
LITERALLY
SHAPED
LIKE
A
PENIS.
PENIS
OH, NO. But for me, I'm all hetero man.
OH
NO
But
for
me
I'm
all
hetero
man
I'll have this dildo pie. Thank you very
I'll
have
this
dildo
pie
Thank
you
very
much.
much
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Look, look Fox News. Fox, Fox, Fox,
>>
Look
look
Fox
News
Fox
Fox
Fox
listen to me. I'm here to help. Your
listen
to
me
I'm
here
to
help
Your
homophobia is ruining your lives. Look,
homophobia
is
ruining
your
lives
Look
you have You have to do Listen, listen.
you
have
You
have
to
do
Listen
listen
Listen, listen. You have the opportunity
Listen
listen
You
have
the
opportunity
to enjoy delicious fudge with your
to
enjoy
delicious
fudge
with
your
friends.
friends
But instead, you're eating [ __ ]
But
instead
you're
eating
__
pickle cake.
pickle
cake
Your ignorant cruelty has trapped you in
Your
ignorant
cruelty
has
trapped
you
in
a fudgeless PRISON OF YOUR OWN DESIGN.
a
fudgeless
PRISON
OF
YOUR
OWN
DESIGN
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
>>
YOU
KNOW
WHAT
YEAH
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> WE GET IT.
>>
WE
GET
IT
LET'S MOVE ON. MOVE ON. LET'S MOVE LET'S
LET'S
MOVE
ON
MOVE
ON
LET'S
MOVE
LET'S
MOVE ON. [applause]
MOVE
ON
applause
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Let's move on from JD to the man whose
>>
Let's
move
on
from
JD
to
the
man
whose
gold-slathered office he hopes to step
gold-slathered
office
he
hopes
to
step
into.
into
Today
Today
Today, the details of Trump's peace deal
Today
the
details
of
Trump's
peace
deal
with Iran finally came out. And this is
with
Iran
finally
came
out
And
this
is
going to shock you,
going
to
shock
you
but it doesn't actually include any of
but
it
doesn't
actually
include
any
of
the big wins he promised. In fact, it
the
big
wins
he
promised
In
fact
it
kicks the can on Iran's nuclear
kicks
the
can
on
Iran's
nuclear
stockpile while allowing Iran to
stockpile
while
allowing
Iran
to
eventually charge fees in the Strait of
eventually
charge
fees
in
the
Strait
of
Hormuz and committing the US to end
Hormuz
and
committing
the
US
to
end
sanctions and facilitate a $300 billion
sanctions
and
facilitate
a
300
billion
reconstruction
reconstruction
fund. But, you know what? I'm sure like
fund
But
you
know
what
I'm
sure
like
everything else, the entire GOP is going
everything
else
the
entire
GOP
is
going
to fall in line and support the deal
to
fall
in
line
and
support
the
deal
100%.
100
>> The details of this agreement as we've
>>
The
details
of
this
agreement
as
we've
seen them, it does not look like we are
seen
them
it
does
not
look
like
we
are
the victors.
the
victors
>> This doesn't feel like a victory.
>>
This
doesn't
feel
like
a
victory
>> I thought somebody was spoofing me.
>>
I
thought
somebody
was
spoofing
me
>> Iran is the biggest winner of all this.
>>
Iran
is
the
biggest
winner
of
all
this
>> Trump stages an Iran retreat.
>>
Trump
stages
an
Iran
retreat
>> Tremendous foreign policy blunder.
>>
Tremendous
foreign
policy
blunder
>> Makes absolutely no sense.
>>
Makes
absolutely
no
sense
>> Smacks of impeachment.
>>
Smacks
of
impeachment
>> It's not defensible.
>>
It's
not
defensible
>> Inexplicable.
>>
Inexplicable
>> A disaster.
>>
A
disaster
>> They've played him like a violin.
>>
They've
played
him
like
a
violin
>> Excuse me, sir. I don't know if I'd
>>
Excuse
me
sir
I
don't
know
if
I'd
equate Trump with the soft dulcet tones
equate
Trump
with
the
soft
dulcet
tones
of a violin. He's He's more like an
of
a
violin
He's
He's
more
like
an
entitled kazoo or a
entitled
kazoo
or
a
a maraca filled with angry bees.
a
maraca
filled
with
angry
bees
So, Trump has a lot of work to do to
So
Trump
has
a
lot
of
work
to
do
to
appease this angry faction of his base.
appease
this
angry
faction
of
his
base
He could appeal to their sense of reason
He
could
appeal
to
their
sense
of
reason
or to the obvious need for negotiated
or
to
the
obvious
need
for
negotiated
settlement that will necessarily require
settlement
that
will
necessarily
require
some concessions
some
concessions
or
or
he could just push the [ __ ] on Obama
he
could
just
push
the
__
on
Obama
button.
button
>> I mean, the JCPOA done by Obama,
>>
I
mean
the
JCPOA
done
by
Obama
he handed them a billion seven in cash
he
handed
them
a
billion
seven
in
cash
and they tried to bribe their way out of
and
they
tried
to
bribe
their
way
out
of
it.
it
And you know what the Iranians did? They
And
you
know
what
the
Iranians
did
They
laughed at Obama and they said he's a
laughed
at
Obama
and
they
said
he's
a
stupid son of a [ __ ]
stupid
son
of
a
__
Okay, thank you very much, everybody.
Okay
thank
you
very
much
everybody
>> Thank you, sir.
>>
Thank
you
sir
>> Oh.
>>
Oh
You know what? I never thought I'd say
You
know
what
I
never
thought
I'd
say
this, but can you carry yourself with a
this
but
can
you
carry
yourself
with
a
bit more dignity in front of the
bit
more
dignity
in
front
of
the
dictator of Egypt?
dictator
of
Egypt
Dear lord, man.
Dear
lord
man
There's a pack of poor French
There's
a
pack
of
poor
French
translators off to the side like
translators
off
to
the
side
like
"Qu'est-ce que c'est, stupid son of a
Qu'est-ce
que
c'est
stupid
son
of
a
bitch?"
bitch
Now,
Now
look.
look
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> Now, look. [cheering] Look, who knows?
>>
Now
look
cheering
Look
who
knows
Who knows if this peace deal with Iran
Who
knows
if
this
peace
deal
with
Iran
is going to work, but if all doesn't go
is
going
to
work
but
if
all
doesn't
go
well, rest assured
well
rest
assured
Trump has a very solid plan B.
Trump
has
a
very
solid
plan
B
>> If it works out, I'm going to take the
>>
If
it
works
out
I'm
going
to
take
the
credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm
credit
If
it
doesn't
work
out
I'm
blaming JD. You better be careful, JD.
blaming
JD
You
better
be
careful
JD
>> Whoa.
>>
Whoa
Look at that, Trump. Always playing 5D
Look
at
that
Trump
Always
playing
5D
scapegoating.
scapegoating
I tell you, JD is going to be so bummed
I
tell
you
JD
is
going
to
be
so
bummed
to hear about this once he finishes
to
hear
about
this
once
he
finishes
[ __ ] out all of that pickle cake.
__
out
all
of
that
pickle
cake
Let's start with the big news of the
Let's
start
with
the
big
news
of
the
day. Now, not the Knicks parade. We'll
day
Now
not
the
Knicks
parade
We'll
get to that later. How many times do I
get
to
that
later
How
many
times
do
I
have to tell you kids you can't have
have
to
tell
you
kids
you
can't
have
your Knicks parade until you finish your
your
Knicks
parade
until
you
finish
your
Iran war, okay?
Iran
war
okay
But, speaking of that, great news, the
But
speaking
of
that
great
news
the
Iran war is finished.
Iran
war
is
finished
>> In the gilded halls of Versailles,
>>
In
the
gilded
halls
of
Versailles
President Trump marking the end of the
President
Trump
marking
the
end
of
the
G7 summit by signing a memorandum of
G7
summit
by
signing
a
memorandum
of
understanding with Iran.
understanding
with
Iran
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> That was it?
>>
That
was
it
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> That was signing the peace treaty?
>>
That
was
signing
the
peace
treaty
It felt more like paying the bill after
It
felt
more
like
paying
the
bill
after
dinner.
dinner
Uh did did Iran get the jalapeno poppers
Uh
did
did
Iran
get
the
jalapeno
poppers
cuz I didn't I didn't have any of the
cuz
I
didn't
I
didn't
have
any
of
the
poppers. I shouldn't have to pay for
poppers
I
shouldn't
have
to
pay
for
half the poppers.
half
the
poppers
Although I can understand why Trump
Although
I
can
understand
why
Trump
didn't want a bigger ceremony than this.
didn't
want
a
bigger
ceremony
than
this
If you if you look at the details of
If
you
if
you
look
at
the
details
of
this deal,
this
deal
it's not really that great for him.
it's
not
really
that
great
for
him
>> The agreement's most controversial
>>
The
agreement's
most
controversial
provision, a $300 billion framework for
provision
a
300
billion
framework
for
the reconstruction of Iran and the
the
reconstruction
of
Iran
and
the
return of over $100 billion in assets
return
of
over
100
billion
in
assets
that were frozen by the US. In exchange,
that
were
frozen
by
the
US
In
exchange
Iran must allow toll free passage
Iran
must
allow
toll
free
passage
through the Strait of Hormuz for 60
through
the
Strait
of
Hormuz
for
60
days, which existed before the war.
days
which
existed
before
the
war
>> $300 billion?
>>
300
billion
I mean, how did that happen? You know
I
mean
how
did
that
happen
You
know
what? Wait a minute. Can we Can we zoom
what
Wait
a
minute
Can
we
Can
we
zoom
in there for a second? Can we zoom in
in
there
for
a
second
Can
we
zoom
in
There it is.
There
it
is
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> They got him with that automatic
>>
They
got
him
with
that
automatic
gratuity. You got to watch out for that.
gratuity
You
got
to
watch
out
for
that
That So, basically, we go back to where
That
So
basically
we
go
back
to
where
we were before the war. Except Iran gets
we
were
before
the
war
Except
Iran
gets
$400 billion.
400
billion
And to add insult to injury, the
And
to
add
insult
to
injury
the
Ayatollah is using all that cash to
Ayatollah
is
using
all
that
cash
to
build himself a sweet ass ballroom. So,
build
himself
a
sweet
ass
ballroom
So
you know what? Maybe it's worth giving
you
know
what
Maybe
it's
worth
giving
Iran a big old bribe if it means
Iran
a
big
old
bribe
if
it
means
completely eliminating their military
completely
eliminating
their
military
apparatus.
apparatus
>> He conceded yesterday that it will not
>>
He
conceded
yesterday
that
it
will
not
completely eliminate their military
completely
eliminate
their
military
apparatus.
apparatus
>> WHAT?
>>
WHAT
WHAT DID DID DIDN'T THEY HAVE A WHOLE
WHAT
DID
DID
DIDN'T
THEY
HAVE
A
WHOLE
BALLISTIC missile arsenal that we were
BALLISTIC
missile
arsenal
that
we
were
trying to dismantle?
trying
to
dismantle
>> The president saying it would be unfair
>>
The
president
saying
it
would
be
unfair
for Iran not to have a ballistic missile
for
Iran
not
to
have
a
ballistic
missile
arsenal while their neighbors in the
arsenal
while
their
neighbors
in
the
Gulf do.
Gulf
do
>> If other countries have them, it's a
>>
If
other
countries
have
them
it's
a
little bit unfair for them not to have
little
bit
unfair
for
them
not
to
have
some.
some
>> Slow down there, Ms. Rachel. Uh
>>
Slow
down
there
Ms
Rachel
Uh
I don't know if sharing is caring
I
don't
know
if
sharing
is
caring
applies to ICBMs.
applies
to
ICBMs
Okay, all right. I'm I'm a I'm a bit bit
Okay
all
right
I'm
I'm
a
I'm
a
bit
bit
confused here. I'm trying to remember
confused
here
I'm
trying
to
remember
Trump's position on all of this before
Trump's
position
on
all
of
this
before
the treaty.
the
treaty
>> We are going to destroy their missiles
>>
We
are
going
to
destroy
their
missiles
and raise their missile industry to the
and
raise
their
missile
industry
to
the
ground. It will be totally again
ground
It
will
be
totally
again
obliterated.
obliterated
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Okay. Okay.
>>
Okay
Okay
That sounds bad.
That
sounds
bad
Maybe maybe that was taken out of
Maybe
maybe
that
was
taken
out
of
context. Can we can we play the rest of
context
Can
we
can
we
play
the
rest
of
the sentence?
the
sentence
>> It will be totally again obliterated.
>>
It
will
be
totally
again
obliterated
>> Unless it's a little bit unfair.
>>
Unless
it's
a
little
bit
unfair
>> Okay. Okay. Yes, thank you. See? See?
>>
Okay
Okay
Yes
thank
you
See
See
See? And you people doubted his
See
And
you
people
doubted
his
dedication to equity and inclusion.
dedication
to
equity
and
inclusion
But the fact that Donald Trump started a
But
the
fact
that
Donald
Trump
started
a
war that ended badly for him is not
war
that
ended
badly
for
him
is
not
really a surprise. What's a a little
really
a
surprise
What's
a
a
little
shocking is that conservatives are
shocking
is
that
conservatives
are
calling him out on it.
calling
him
out
on
it
>> The details that I've seen so far look
>>
The
details
that
I've
seen
so
far
look
like look look awful.
like
look
look
awful
>> I don't want to see theocratic Islamists
>>
I
don't
want
to
see
theocratic
Islamists
who want to kill us made stronger.
who
want
to
kill
us
made
stronger
>> Count me in the skeptic
>>
Count
me
in
the
skeptic
>> Go column.
>>
Go
column
>> They're going to recover everything
>>
They're
going
to
recover
everything
we've taken away from them.
we've
taken
away
from
them
>> It's much bigger than a mistake.
>>
It's
much
bigger
than
a
mistake
>> They're better off than they were before
>>
They're
better
off
than
they
were
before
the hostilities began.
the
hostilities
began
>> Wow.
>>
Wow
That assessment is brutal for Trump. I
That
assessment
is
brutal
for
Trump
I
mean, the man who went to his barber and
mean
the
man
who
went
to
his
barber
and
said, "I want my head to look like the
said
I
want
my
head
to
look
like
the
reservoir tip of a condom."
reservoir
tip
of
a
condom
Thinks you have bad judgment.
Thinks
you
have
bad
judgment
I mean, Mr. President, you need to bring
I
mean
Mr
President
you
need
to
bring
the skeptics onto your side, and I'm
the
skeptics
onto
your
side
and
I'm
sure you'll marshal all of your
sure
you'll
marshal
all
of
your
rhetorical wit and persuasive techniques
rhetorical
wit
and
persuasive
techniques
to do so.
to
do
so
>> A furious response from the president.
>>
A
furious
response
from
the
president
This is what he wrote before dawn. These
This
is
what
he
wrote
before
dawn
These
fools who think I haven't been tough
fools
who
think
I
haven't
been
tough
enough on Iran, they're just either
enough
on
Iran
they're
just
either
jealous, bad people, or stupid.
jealous
bad
people
or
stupid
>> Masterful, sir. MASTERFUL. OH. OH.
>>
Masterful
sir
MASTERFUL
OH
OH
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> ANOTHER powerful rebuttal, on par with
>>
ANOTHER
powerful
rebuttal
on
par
with
the greats. I believe it was Cicero who
the
greats
I
believe
it
was
Cicero
who
said, "You fugly [ __ ] wish you were
said
You
fugly
__
wish
you
were
thick like me."
thick
like
me
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