Welcome to The Daily
Show
.
Ladies and gentlemen, we got a great show for you tonight.
My name is Jon Stewart.
I'll be talking about Russia later
with journalist David Corn, who the Native Americans used
to refer to as David Maize.
[LAUGHTER]
And they've just pulled our renewal.
I'm sorry.
But lets begin tonight with something a little
bit different.
We're going to--
I want to show you a moment from a town hall in Michigan
that was held with our esteemed--
or certainly esteemed Vice President,
Jeffrey Dahmer Vance.
I'm pretty sure that's what that stands for.
A woman in the audience at this town hall politely,
concisely, powerfully confronted the vice president
on his-- let's call it record of dehumanizing
rhetoric towards immigrants.
Why are you scapegoating immigrants
for the issues you're supposed to be
solving as a vice president?
I appreciate the question.
In no way, not on any planet, not in any timeline,
does JD Vance appreciate that question.
He [BLEEP] hates that question.
It makes his beard itch.
And that might be your first tell
that the answer that this young woman is going to get
is not going to be the real one.
But I'm sorry to interrupt.
Continue.
I appreciate the question.
And I would say--
and to the extent that my rhetoric has been
imperfect here, that's on me.
[GASPS] Is it your rhetoric?
Oh, pobody's nerfect.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes you incite violence against vulnerable communities,
and then later on you apologize.
I mean, we all read Mein Bad.
Sure, no, I get that.
[LAUGHTER]
That's the-- that's the Hitler emoji that we all--
[LAUGHTER]
So, so the dehumanizing rhetoric against immigrants,
which all of us thought was a cornerstone and
intentional strategy of both Donald Trump
and JD Vance's rise to power, including falsely accusing
an entire community of Haitian people of eating people's pets,
which Vance admitted was just a useful lie, actually,
that wasn't intentional.
It was all just sloppy word choice.
That was all on him.
Oh, eating them?
No, no, no, I meant to say, they're booping the dogs.
They're booping the cats.
The point is, I take JD Vance at his word,
and I'm sure that the vice president will do better
the next time he has an opportunity not to demonize
immigrants, which, as luck would have it,
may or may not be just two days later.
But just keep that in mind.
We're going to hold on to that for a little bit
later as we move to France, where Paris
is burning and not in the--
Not in that way, not in the good, fun way.
It's burning more in the, ah!
It's actually [BLEEP] burning.
This weekend, riots exploded throughout France.
Cars were on fire.
Buildings were on fire.
Pants were on fire.
[LAUGHTER]
Apparently, many of the protesters were liars.
Who even is rioting?
REPORTER 1: Officials in France have
said this is a left-wing movement
that is behind the protests and not immigration.
REPORTER 2: It's not anything to do with Islam
or Muslim communities.
This is French society across the board.
Got it.
Not Muslims, not immigrants.
Remember what we were talking about earlier in the show?
JD Vance, here's a chance to perfect your rhetoric.
REPORTER 3: Vice President JD Vance had a tweet overnight.
"Western liberals imported the third world into France.
They ignored fundamental questions of assimilation
and compatibility.
They were told it would lead to this, and they didn't listen."
Mother-[BLEEP].
They're eating the cats!
They're eating the dogs!
I'm sorry, Vance.
Are you seriously suggesting that immigrants
have brought a culture of revolution and protest
to France?
What are you talking about?
[APPLAUSE]
Have you ever been to the theater?
Can you not hear the people sing?
Do you know why Versailles is a museum?
It used to be someone's house, full of people with heads.
Do you want to know how French, real French these
protests were?
REPORTER 4: The latest demonstration
saw protesters swarm Paris's historic Place de La Bastille.
They stormed the Bastille.
[LAUGHTER]
Other than adultery, it's the most French thing you can do.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like blaming immigrants in America
for remembering the Alamo.
Riots are just a part of the general ambiance of France.
I mean, this couple didn't even [BLEEP] get up.
They're just sitting there.
[APPLAUSE]
They're just sitting there, finishing
their dessert cigarette.
This lady here, she doesn't even let it
get in the way of her cardio.
She could have made it a Peloton day inside.
No!
She's just outside, jogging around it.
I'm sure there were foreigners in the protest.
Mostly they're just looking for their Airbnb.
[LAUGHTER]
Which is not to say that the riots were not
a terribly serious issue, or that France
is not on the verge of dissolution,
as it almost always is.
But just as Napoleon rose from the ashes
of the French Revolution, so now will Emmanuel Macron?
[LAUGHTER]
I don't know if that's exactly right.
Emmanuel Macron will take charge of his country
from [SPEAKING FRENCH] situation.
REPORTER: Emmanuel Macron facing backlash
for deciding to attend a Celine Dion concert with his wife
on the eve of the protest.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, first of all, who goes to a concert
with their actual wife?
Oh man.
[LAUGHTER]
[HUMMING]
For a second, you weren't sure. Is that too soon?
Can we laugh at that?
And second of all, Celine Dion concert?
A little on the metaphorical nose, yeah?
Mr. President, as your country falls apart,
you stand on the deck enjoying the dulcet tones of the theme
song from Titanic?
By the next night, Macron realized
the seriousness as he gave a national address
to the people of France.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Oh, my god, is he--
is this dude still drunk?
He's not even making sense.
What was that, like, gibberish?
[MUTTERING] What does that even mean?
Get a hold of yourself, dude.
This is important.
What's that?
Oh, they do?
All of them?
The whole country?
And that all makes sense to each other?
They can understand that?
All right, I mean, it's news to me.
I mean, when I'm there, they speak perfectly
good reluctant English.
[LAUGHTER]
But I apologize, monsieur.
Why are they protesting?
INTERPRETER: These demonstrators expressed concern
about the cost of living and fuel prices,
which stem from the conflict that began in the Persian Gulf.
Holy shit.
In France, they've burned down an entire city because of a war
they didn't start and aren't even any part of.
And here, in the country that started the war,
we're not even sure we're going to get to take back the House.
I mean, we're so mad about this war, we might vote.
[LAUGHTER]
But at least now-- yeah, get out there!
[APPLAUSE]
Our country happens to be flame retardant
or one of those two words.
[LAUGHTER]
No, that's not even--
I wouldn't even encourage that.
Honestly, even I would cancel me for that one.
But at least now we know that all of the world
is upset over these high prices that have been caused
by this Middle Eastern war.
This isn't really a Middle Eastern problem.
This is more of a Russia problem.
Oh wait.
Whoa.
Wait what?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. President, are you--
are you saying that these high prices
are because of the war in Ukraine that Russia started?
Because I thought things like the diesel shortage
were because of the war in the region
where all the diesel comes from.
As I've been looking at this chart--
I don't know if you see it here--
this is the price of diesel.
And I don't know if you know that there's like--
you see there?
It's a very subtle little bit of an uptick to the cost
of diesel at the point where I can't really quite read it,
exactly when the Iran war started.
I'm not saying correlation is causation
or that the war in Ukraine hasn't caused fluctuations
in diesel prices, but the little bump
here statisticians would refer to as the exact [BLEEP] day.
[LAUGHTER]
But seeding the point, if it is the war in Russia and Ukraine,
how do we fix that?
Today, President Trump announced
that he'd struck an energy ceasefire
with Ukraine and Russia.
Oh, my god, that's actually thank God.
I'm sorry.
I was going to make a joke.
That's thank God.
Adhering to that energy ceasefire
will certainly give world markets a chance to recover.
I mean, you know what? I'm sorry, miss.
I didn't let you finish your sentence.
Hours later, the Russians hit a neighborhood
in the Ukrainian city of Kharkiv,
including a power plant.
Putin!
[BLEEP] Well, luckily, just one month ago,
Trump signed into law the Lindsey O. Graham--
I don't want to tell you what the O stands for.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Settle down.
No, you know what?
I'm canceling you people for that one.
The Lindsey O. Graham Sanctioning Russia and
Iran Act of 2026, it will penalize
anyone who buys Russian oil.
The Senate sent a clear message to our adversaries.
What we're doing here today is standing with a steel spine.
We are standing against Putin's aggression.
It will cut off the flow of cash that
powers Putin's war machine.
Aha!
That was one month ago.
Take that, Vladimir.
President Trump is smartly recognizing
the role Putin's war has played in rising energy prices, even
though, obviously, from the math that I showed you earlier,
it's really not about that.
But still, nevertheless, we will not waiver.
REPORTER: President Trump waived sanctions
on Russian fuel sales.
Announcing a Russian diesel deal.
REPORTER: The deal would provide
Putin an influx of billions of dollars
to fund the Ukraine war.
We will not waiver, but we will waive.
Spell-- homonyms.
Damn it!
Wait, if Russia's invasion of Ukraine is the cause of this,
why are we making a deal to give Russia billions of dollars
to use in that invasion?
Perhaps Energy Secretary Christopher Wright
can explain it.
And if I may use a visual aid to help
me with this explanation.
Just to show how many different--
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you know what?
OK.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh.
Oh, oh, sweet babushka.
[LAUGHTER]
I just wanted a physical demonstration
of the many layers of stupidity that
must be behind this decision.
If Russia can bring additional diesel to the market
and export it, it would benefit American consumers.
Drive down energy prices for Americans.
Oh.
Oh, that's not stupid at all.
This is going to lower fuel prices for Americans, will it?
REPORTER: That immediate release of 300,000 tons
of diesel would have a very little effect
or impact on prices long-term.
Ah.
[LAUGHTER]
So, why are we doing it?
Oh, this is pressuring Russia.
By giving them money?
How is this punishing Russia?
Oh, I'm sorry, I apologize.
It's kind of a mo money, mo problems situation.
Russia does not have diesel to export.
So why are we giving them money for it?
The only way they can get additional diesel to export
is if they turn down the conflict with Ukraine.
They have to either get an energy ceasefire,
they have to either end the war,
or they have to reduce their war efforts.
This is a motivation for Russia to figure out how they can
actually export some diesel.
Why would we motivate a group to sell
diesel when we just put sanctions
on them for selling diesel?
Doing the opposite within a month is insane.
It is illogical.
It is incoherent.
This is quite innovative, actually.
Damn you, alliteration.
I think I might have discovered the real reason.
Oh look look.
It's actually, oh, that's the one.
[CHEERING]
I'm sorry.
I forgot how many dolls I had to open to get to the people.
And then I realized that I'd gotten to the thing,
and then I had just had to be like, yeah.
You know what?
Forget Secretary Wright.
President Trump, you, explain your reasoning.
REPORTER: President Trump explained his reasoning,
saying he does not want to do anything to drive Russia away
from the bargaining table.
His price for staying at the table is billions of dollars?
How big is Putin's [BLEEP] table?
How-- oh, actually, OK, I didn't--
that's my bad.
I did not realize.
But all right.
We're not helping Russia.
We're helping Ukraine, in their logic.
That makes me feel a lot better.
I mean, the only thing that could obviously shake
my confidence is if at the same time,
you announce this very strange deal,
where we give billions of dollars to Russia,
there were other, let's call them, "coincidental" blows
to the Ukraine war effort.
REPORTER: Ukraine saying access to Elon Musk's Starlink system
has suddenly been restricted, limiting Ukraine's ability
to fend off Russian attacks.
The Starlink was blocked, of course, by the SpaceX
and of course, by the United States.
I tell them, of course, connect,
and ask what's going on?
Maybe technical problems.
I hear you, brother.
Dealing with internet providers is a nightmare.
Did they at least give you a service window?
Like, you got to be in Ukraine from 2:00 to 6:00, or--
you know what? I got you.
Let me.
You're a busy man.
You got a war to run.
Let me deal with this for you.
I got a little time.
Let me call Starlink customer service, and I'm sure,
we'll be able to work this out.
OK, let me just get--
what's the number, again? Oh, right.
It's--
[DIALING]
OK, here we go.
We got Starlink customer service.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Oh hey.
Hey, Starlink customer service.
I'm calling on behalf of my friend, Ukraine.
Their Starlink speed slowed down.
And before you ask, it is plugged in.
They restarted the router.
Do you know anything about this problem?
We had nothing to do with it.
I don't-- the United States, nobody ordered that Starlink
speed to be slowed down.
It sort of happened.
Oh, oh, oh, "it happened."
It happened.
Totally believable.
However, it happened, can we just get Starlink back
up and running for these guys?
Starshield or Starlink?
I don't know what service he signed up for.
I didn't even know there was a Starshield.
It's not, at this moment, available to Ukraine,
and that's under conversation.
Sir, then what the [BLEEP].
All right, I'm sorry.
I know this isn't your decision.
You're just trying to help.
May I talk to your supervisor?
Is there someone else that I can talk to?
Oh, for [BLEEP] sake.
They got me-- I'm terribly sorry.
They've got me on hold.
I'm just going to--
Hello?
-
Oh. -
How are you?
This is the president.
Oh sir.
Sir, I'm calling on behalf of my friend.
Do you know, who cut off Ukraine's access
to the full speed of Starlink or Stepchild,
whatever it's called?
I didn't do that.
No, we didn't do that at all.
In fact, I don't know where it is.
I don't even think it was slowed down.
But, from what I understand-- because I
just checked this morning.
I'm telling you, it's not the same.
It's slow.
The problem is on your end.
We ran the diagnostics.
It's on your end.
Wasn't us.
I checked it this morning.
They say it's the same as it always has been.
So you're saying it's on our end?
Just hold on a second, and please,
don't hang up because I don't have a direct line.
I don't want to do this all over again.
Hold on just one second.
They're saying that it's on our end.
They're saying it's not working on our end,
and that all the speeds are the same.
They checked it this morning, and it's not going through.
Is it on our end?
Is it us?
Has the system been fully restored?
No.
No.
[BLEEP].
All right, well, hold on.
Oh, God damn it!
They put me on hold again!
[MELLOW MUSIC]
Oh!
#
#
This is insane.
I want to talk to somebody on customer-- oh, my God.
Hey, Ryan Reynolds here.
No!
No!
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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