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Welcome to the Late Show, everybody. I'm
Welcome
to
the
Late
Show
everybody
I'm
your host, Steven Colbear. You know, uh,
your
host
Steven
Colbear
You
know
uh
[cheering] look, I don't I don't need to
cheering
look
I
don't
I
don't
need
to
tell y'all what's going on. Over the
tell
y'all
what's
going
on
Over
the
weekend, the United States and Israel
weekend
the
United
States
and
Israel
conducted a massive bombing campaign
conducted
a
massive
bombing
campaign
against Iran. We now face an
against
Iran
We
now
face
an
unpredictable and unstable situation.
unpredictable
and
unstable
situation
And that brings me to my longunning
And
that
brings
me
to
my
longunning
segment.
segment
America at what?
America
at
what
We haven't run that graphic in six
We
haven't
run
that
graphic
in
six
years.
years
I said long running, not frequent. This
I
said
long
running
not
frequent
This
This military mission has been dubbed
This
military
mission
has
been
dubbed
Operation Epic Fury.
Operation
Epic
Fury
>> Fun fact. No, fun fact. Epic Fury is an
>>
Fun
fact
No
fun
fact
Epic
Fury
is
an
anagram for forget Epstein.
anagram
for
forget
Epstein
Now, right off the top, [cheering]
Now
right
off
the
top
cheering
can we check that? Can we check make
can
we
check
that
Can
we
check
make
sure that's the case? Fact check that.
sure
that's
the
case
Fact
check
that
Now, right off the top, I want to point
Now
right
off
the
top
I
want
to
point
out that an open-ended war of choice in
out
that
an
open-ended
war
of
choice
in
the Middle East with no clear exit
the
Middle
East
with
no
clear
exit
strategy or defined victory is where I
strategy
or
defined
victory
is
where
I
got on this train. And in the last 25
got
on
this
train
And
in
the
last
25
years of talking about this stuff on TV,
years
of
talking
about
this
stuff
on
TV
I have learned not to stand up here and
I
have
learned
not
to
stand
up
here
and
say like Moses on the mountaintop on day
say
like
Moses
on
the
mountaintop
on
day
three of a new war whether this is going
three
of
a
new
war
whether
this
is
going
to be a good or this is going to be a
to
be
a
good
or
this
is
going
to
be
a
bad.
bad
But I will definitely say that we have
But
I
will
definitely
say
that
we
have
no clear idea where this is going or why
no
clear
idea
where
this
is
going
or
why
it's going there. Now say what you want
it's
going
there
Now
say
what
you
want
about George W. Bush and I did.
about
George
W
Bush
and
I
did
Okay. [cheering]
Okay
cheering
He sold that guy went out there. He sold
He
sold
that
guy
went
out
there
He
sold
his Middle East war. That's what the W
his
Middle
East
war
That's
what
the
W
stood for. [laughter]
stood
for
laughter
Middle East. He was not a smart man. He
Middle
East
He
was
not
a
smart
man
He
went to the UN. He went to Congress. He
went
to
the
UN
He
went
to
Congress
He
gave speeches for a year leading up to
gave
speeches
for
a
year
leading
up
to
it. He sent pals to the UN with a
it
He
sent
pals
to
the
UN
with
a
vial of what appears to be country time
vial
of
what
appears
to
be
country
time
lemonade.
lemonade
Just this much. Just this much could
Just
this
much
Just
this
much
could
have refreshed everyone on the Security
have
refreshed
everyone
on
the
Security
Council. Compare that to the present
Council
Compare
that
to
the
present
POTUS 6 days ago. He gave what is
POTUS
6
days
ago
He
gave
what
is
officially the longest State of the
officially
the
longest
State
of
the
Union address of all time. And the
Union
address
of
all
time
And
the
subject of Iran was a driveby. In a
subject
of
Iran
was
a
driveby
In
a
two-hour speech, he gave it three
two-hour
speech
he
gave
it
three
minutes. The man's had longer farts.
minutes
The
man's
had
longer
farts
But whether or not he explained the need
But
whether
or
not
he
explained
the
need
to the American people beforehand, the
to
the
American
people
beforehand
the
fact is we're at war or we're not
fact
is
we're
at
war
or
we're
not
because according to the Constitution
because
according
to
the
Constitution
and the War Powers Act, only Congress
and
the
War
Powers
Act
only
Congress
can declare war. And he never got
can
declare
war
And
he
never
got
approval from Congress. But he did say
approval
from
Congress
But
he
did
say
this.
this
>> The lives of courageous American heroes
>>
The
lives
of
courageous
American
heroes
may be lost and we may have casualties
may
be
lost
and
we
may
have
casualties
that often happens in war.
that
often
happens
in
war
>> So it is a war, which means it might be
>>
So
it
is
a
war
which
means
it
might
be
an illegal war. And now Congress is
an
illegal
war
And
now
Congress
is
going to punish him by voting to give
going
to
punish
him
by
voting
to
give
Trump war powers after the Iran strikes.
Trump
war
powers
after
the
Iran
strikes
Just as good. [laughter]
Just
as
good
laughter
Don't worry, honey. I'm going to put the
Don't
worry
honey
I'm
going
to
put
the
condom on right after we have sex.
condom
on
right
after
we
have
sex
Although
Although
Admittedly, that might make it a little
Admittedly
that
might
make
it
a
little
more difficult to get on. [laughter]
more
difficult
to
get
on
laughter
It's like trying to put a glove on
It's
like
trying
to
put
a
glove
on
mashed potatoes.
mashed
potatoes
[laughter]
laughter
The glove
The
glove
by sat was Saturday afternoon. By
by
sat
was
Saturday
afternoon
By
Saturday afternoon, Iranian state media
Saturday
afternoon
Iranian
state
media
confirmed that Supreme Leader Ayatollah
confirmed
that
Supreme
Leader
Ayatollah
Ali Kami is dead. Now, to be clear, Kami
Ali
Kami
is
dead
Now
to
be
clear
Kami
was not a good guy. He was a ruthless
was
not
a
good
guy
He
was
a
ruthless
autocrat. But he was 86 years old. Do we
autocrat
But
he
was
86
years
old
Do
we
really need two carrier groups to kill
really
need
two
carrier
groups
to
kill
him? You could have just spilled some
him
You
could
have
just
spilled
some
water on the kitchen floor and taken
water
on
the
kitchen
floor
and
taken
away his life alerts. He'd never get up.
away
his
life
alerts
He'd
never
get
up
The Ayatollah was in power for a
The
Ayatollah
was
in
power
for
a
staggering 37 years starting in 1989
staggering
37
years
starting
in
1989
following the death of revolutionary
following
the
death
of
revolutionary
founder Ayatollah Ruola Kmeni. Now Ki
founder
Ayatollah
Ruola
Kmeni
Now
Ki
came after Kmeni.
came
after
Kmeni
It sounds like those are similar. So
It
sounds
like
those
are
similar
So
here's how you remember it. I before E.
here's
how
you
remember
it
I
before
E
That's neither of them.
That's
neither
of
them
You're welcome. Now, immediately
You're
welcome
Now
immediately
immediately [cheering]
immediately
cheering
both the United States and Israel said
both
the
United
States
and
Israel
said
that Operation Epic Fury was launched
that
Operation
Epic
Fury
was
launched
seeking regime change. But apparently
seeking
regime
change
But
apparently
regime change doesn't necessarily mean
regime
change
doesn't
necessarily
mean
changing the regime. Trump pitched a
changing
the
regime
Trump
pitched
a
repeat of Maduro here, sort of saying,
repeat
of
Maduro
here
sort
of
saying
"What we did in Venezuela, I think, is
What
we
did
in
Venezuela
I
think
is
the perfect the perfect scenario.
the
perfect
the
perfect
scenario
We kidnapped Venezuela's president, left
We
kidnapped
Venezuela's
president
left
all the other bad guys in charge,
all
the
other
bad
guys
in
charge
blocked the legitimately elected guy
blocked
the
legitimately
elected
guy
from power, and stole their oil." That
from
power
and
stole
their
oil
That
scenario can be described as perfect in
scenario
can
be
described
as
perfect
in
the same way that Saw 2 can be described
the
same
way
that
Saw
2
can
be
described
as one woman's journey to find herself.
as
one
woman's
journey
to
find
herself
But we can't we can't we can't pull a
But
we
can't
we
can't
we
can't
pull
a
Venezuela. We can't pull a Venezuela
Venezuela
We
can't
pull
a
Venezuela
even if we wanted to because when asked
even
if
we
wanted
to
because
when
asked
about a succession plan, Trump said the
about
a
succession
plan
Trump
said
the
attack was so successful it knocked out
attack
was
so
successful
it
knocked
out
most of the candidates. It's it's not
most
of
the
candidates
It's
it's
not
going to be anybody we were thinking of
going
to
be
anybody
we
were
thinking
of
because they're all dead. Second or
because
they're
all
dead
Second
or
third place is dead.
third
place
is
dead
If everyone you wanted to take over is
If
everyone
you
wanted
to
take
over
is
dead, then it wasn't a successful
dead
then
it
wasn't
a
successful
mission. Good news, kids. I killed that
mission
Good
news
kids
I
killed
that
spider in your room and your hamster is
spider
in
your
room
and
your
hamster
is
dead and the cat is dead. They're all
dead
and
the
cat
is
dead
They're
all
dead. Today was a success.
dead
Today
was
a
success
When it when it comes to launching this
When
it
when
it
comes
to
launching
this
new war, the question everyone is asking
new
war
the
question
everyone
is
asking
is to quote the president's favorite
is
to
quote
the
president's
favorite
song why
song
why
they said [applause]
they
said
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
part of it, little part of it. They said
part
of
it
little
part
of
it
They
said
regime change, but Trump also said that
regime
change
but
Trump
also
said
that
he had to do this in order to achieve
he
had
to
do
this
in
order
to
achieve
freedom for the Iranian people, which is
freedom
for
the
Iranian
people
which
is
related to regime change. So, that's
related
to
regime
change
So
that's
pretty straightforward. Until he later
pretty
straightforward
Until
he
later
said the reason was that Iran might
said
the
reason
was
that
Iran
might
strike first. Got it. Got it. Or or
strike
first
Got
it
Got
it
Or
or
maybe not, because Trump then said it
maybe
not
because
Trump
then
said
it
was a response to Iran using games,
was
a
response
to
Iran
using
games
tricks, and stall tactics in their
tricks
and
stall
tactics
in
their
recent negotiations. Sure, fine. until
recent
negotiations
Sure
fine
until
he told ABC that this was because of the
he
told
ABC
that
this
was
because
of
the
Ayto's foiled plots to assassinate him,
Ayto's
foiled
plots
to
assassinate
him
saying, "I got him before he got me.
saying
I
got
him
before
he
got
me
They tried twice. I got him first."
They
tried
twice
I
got
him
first
This is war, not a game of tag.
This
is
war
not
a
game
of
tag
I got him before he got me. And now you
I
got
him
before
he
got
me
And
now
you
can't tag back because the Mara Lago
can't
tag
back
because
the
Mara
Lago
ballroom is the safe zone.
ballroom
is
the
safe
zone
Ali Ali Ayatollah.
Ali
Ali
Ayatollah
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
You can't tag back. You can't touch. No,
You
can't
tag
back
You
can't
touch
No
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Remember, I'm
I'm
sorry
I'm
sorry
Remember
I'm
rubber and you're kabooy. [laughter]
rubber
and
you're
kabooy
laughter
So, what do we got here? Regime change,
So
what
do
we
got
here
Regime
change
freedom for the Iranian people, too many
freedom
for
the
Iranian
people
too
many
games and tricks. Get him before he gets
games
and
tricks
Get
him
before
he
gets
me. Then, finally, today, Trump landed
me
Then
finally
today
Trump
landed
on his fifth rationale during a ceremony
on
his
fifth
rationale
during
a
ceremony
at the White House. An Iranian regime
at
the
White
House
An
Iranian
regime
armed with long range missiles and
armed
with
long
range
missiles
and
nuclear weapons would be an intolerable
nuclear
weapons
would
be
an
intolerable
threat to the Middle East, but also to
threat
to
the
Middle
East
but
also
to
the American people.
the
American
people
Our country itself would be under threat
Our
country
itself
would
be
under
threat
and it was very nearly under threat.
and
it
was
very
nearly
under
threat
Very nearly under threat [laughter]
Very
nearly
under
threat
laughter
is very nearly a good reason to send our
is
very
nearly
a
good
reason
to
send
our
troops into harm's way.
troops
into
harm's
way
>> Tragically, six American service members
>>
Tragically
six
American
service
members
have already died in his war. that
have
already
died
in
his
war
that
sacrifice and any sacrifices to come,
sacrifice
and
any
sacrifices
to
come
any loss of civilian life for that
any
loss
of
civilian
life
for
that
matter deserve at the very least clarity
matter
deserve
at
the
very
least
clarity
from our leaders as to why that
from
our
leaders
as
to
why
that
sacrifice is being asked because this
sacrifice
is
being
asked
because
this
war is on and it seems like there could
war
is
on
and
it
seems
like
there
could
be more of it. Iran has already launched
be
more
of
it
Iran
has
already
launched
missiles at Israel, the UAE, Saudi
missiles
at
Israel
the
UAE
Saudi
Arabia Cyprus Qatar Oman Bahrain
Arabia
Cyprus
Qatar
Oman
Bahrain
Jordan, Syria, Kuwait, and Lebanon. My
Jordan
Syria
Kuwait
and
Lebanon
My
god, that's the entire Trump Board of
god
that's
the
entire
Trump
Board
of
Peace.
Peace
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
But that shouldn't come as a surprise.
But
that
shouldn't
come
as
a
surprise
None of that should come as a surprise
None
of
that
should
come
as
a
surprise
because here's [applause and cheering]
because
here's
applause
and
cheering
the thing. We know that once you start
the
thing
We
know
that
once
you
start
bombing folks, the fighting tends to
bombing
folks
the
fighting
tends
to
take on a life of its own. As Admiral
take
on
a
life
of
its
own
As
Admiral
Julius Pringle once said, "Once you pop,
Julius
Pringle
once
said
Once
you
pop
you can't stop."
you
can't
stop
[applause]
applause
Trump is also, he said that, check that
Trump
is
also
he
said
that
check
that
out, too. Trump is also open to
out
too
Trump
is
also
open
to
negotiations with Iran during the war.
negotiations
with
Iran
during
the
war
He says yesterday he told the Atlantic,
He
says
yesterday
he
told
the
Atlantic
"They want to talk and I have agreed to
They
want
to
talk
and
I
have
agreed
to
talk, so I will be talking to them." But
talk
so
I
will
be
talking
to
them
But
also, he noted that some of the Iranians
also
he
noted
that
some
of
the
Iranians
involved in the negotiations in recent
involved
in
the
negotiations
in
recent
weeks, we're no longer alive, but we're
weeks
we're
no
longer
alive
but
we're
going to weekend at Bernie's them to
going
to
weekend
at
Bernie's
them
to
complete the negotiations.
complete
the
negotiations
Marco's going to deploy the sunglasses,
Marco's
going
to
deploy
the
sunglasses
and Pete's going to do this funny thing
and
Pete's
going
to
do
this
funny
thing
where he makes him hump a surfboard.
where
he
makes
him
hump
a
surfboard
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> The reporter then asked Trump whether he
>>
The
reporter
then
asked
Trump
whether
he
had any indication of renewed Iranian
had
any
indication
of
renewed
Iranian
threats against the US homeland since
threats
against
the
US
homeland
since
the start of the attack. Trump's
the
start
of
the
attack
Trump's
response, I don't want to tell you that.
response
I
don't
want
to
tell
you
that
Oh, it's like the old terror alert uh
Oh
it's
like
the
old
terror
alert
uh
system from way back when. It goes, I
system
from
way
back
when
It
goes
I
don't want to tell you that. You get
don't
want
to
tell
you
that
You
get
three guesses and rhymes with everyone
three
guesses
and
rhymes
with
everyone
is bread.
is
bread
Now, surprised the color coding. I
Now
surprised
the
color
coding
I
remember the color coding. Now, uh,
remember
the
color
coding
Now
uh
surprisingly, no member of the
surprisingly
no
member
of
the
administration came out on the Sunday
administration
came
out
on
the
Sunday
shows this weekend to defend the
shows
this
weekend
to
defend
the
president's decision to attack, uh,
president's
decision
to
attack
uh
until this morning when the Pentagon
until
this
morning
when
the
Pentagon
sent out Pete Hegath. He promised that
sent
out
Pete
Hegath
He
promised
that
this war will contain 0%
this
war
will
contain
0
>> woke,
>>
woke
>> no stupid rules of engagement, no nation
>>
no
stupid
rules
of
engagement
no
nation
building quagmire, no democracybuilding
building
quagmire
no
democracybuilding
exercise, no politically correct wars,
exercise
no
politically
correct
wars
>> no politically correct wars, no
>>
no
politically
correct
wars
no
gluten-free missiles. This is 100% raw
gluten-free
missiles
This
is
100
raw
milk, all beef death patty that could
milk
all
beef
death
patty
that
could
lead to the destruction of mankind, not
lead
to
the
destruction
of
mankind
not
personankind. Okay? It's Armageddon, not
personankind
Okay
It's
Armageddon
not
Armageddon.
Armageddon
[cheering]
cheering
You want to go, bro?
You
want
to
go
bro
You want to go?
You
want
to
go
You got a problem, bro?
You
got
a
problem
bro
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
Come on. Come on.
Come
on
Come
on
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Hegath also assured the American people
>>
Hegath
also
assured
the
American
people
that this war will not be like previous
that
this
war
will
not
be
like
previous
media quagmires.
media
quagmires
>> To the media outlets and political left
>>
To
the
media
outlets
and
political
left
screaming endless wars, stop. This is
screaming
endless
wars
stop
This
is
not Iraq.
not
Iraq
>> This is not Iraq. We checked and the
>>
This
is
not
Iraq
We
checked
and
the
spelling is different.
spelling
is
different
We got a great [cheering] show for you
We
got
a
great
cheering
show
for
you
tonight. I'll be talking to Daniel
tonight
I'll
be
talking
to
Daniel
Radcliffe, Maggie Gyllenhaal. When I
Radcliffe
Maggie
Gyllenhaal
When
I
come back, I discuss a role with foreign
come
back
I
discuss
a
role
with
foreign
policy expert Brett Mgherk. That's his
policy
expert
Brett
Mgherk
That's
his
real name. [cheering]
real
name
cheering
[applause and music]
applause
and
music
Heat.
Heat
[music]
music
Heat.
Heat
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
Dictionary
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- Pause
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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