Watch and Learn - Insurrectionists Hit The Jackpot | A Middle East Chill Pill

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Welcome, welcome one and all

Welcome welcome one and all

and here out there to the late show.

and here out there to the late show

am your host Stephen Colbert. Ladies and

am your host Stephen Colbert Ladies and

gentlemen,

gentlemen

I'm excited too. You can feel the

I'm excited too You can feel the

excitement in this room. I'm excited

excitement in this room I'm excited

too. This Listen, this is our last week

too This Listen this is our last week

and I have an exciting announcement. No,

and I have an exciting announcement No

this is actually very exciting. We may

this is actually very exciting We may

be cancelled, but apparently the late

be cancelled but apparently the late

showhouse outlived the Constitution of

the United States

because yesterday, without any

because yesterday without any

congressional or court approval,

congressional or court approval

completely unilaterally, Donald Trump

completely unilaterally Donald Trump

gave himself a $1.8 billion

gave himself a 18 billion

taxpayer-fueled slush fund.

taxpayer-fueled slush fund

You might remember that in January,

You might remember that in January

President Trump and his two sons, Don and

President Trump and his two sons Don and

Eric filed

a $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS,

a 10 billion lawsuit against the IRS

alleging that during his first

administration, the IRS willfully failed

administration the IRS willfully failed

to safeguard Trump's tax information

from unauthorized disclosure by a former

IRS contractor, Charles E. Littlejohn.

IRS contractor Charles E Littlejohn

Now, I I got to ask, Mr. Little John,

Now I I got to ask Mr Little John

did you actually do that?

did you actually do that

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. IVONNE. IVONNE. Not

NO NO NO NO NO IVONNE IVONNE Not

that Little John.

that Little John

>> What?

>> What

>> I'm I'm talking about the IRS guy,

>> I'm I'm talking about the IRS guy

Charles E. Little John.

Charles E Little John

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY

>> Can we please just move on now?

>> Can we please just move on now

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

>> Thank you. The judge in the case seemed

>> Thank you The judge in the case seemed

highly skeptical of this lawsuit. So to

highly skeptical of this lawsuit So to

get around the court's oversight

yesterday, Trump's lawyers and Trump's

yesterday Trump's lawyers and Trump's

DOJ, him on both sides, agreed to drop

DOJ him on both sides agreed to drop

the case and set up this slush fund. And

the case and set up this slush fund And

who exactly is this fund slushing? Well,

who exactly is this fund slushing Well

one group of lucky slushies could be

people prosecuted in connection with the

January 6 capital riot.

January 6 capital riot

That means that means people who stormed

the capital, rubbed their poop on the

the capital rubbed their poop on the

walls, assaulted police officers, and

walls assaulted police officers and

tried to hang Vice President Mike Pence

could be getting this cash. But they

could be getting this cash But they

won't cuz Trump's going to steal it all.

won't cuz Trump's going to steal it all

Why is that, my educated guess? Because

Why is that my educated guess Because

the funds are going to be managed by a

five-person commission appointed by the

attorney general, though Trump would

attorney general though Trump would

have the right to remove any member at

will. So, I'd like to congratulate the

will So I'd like to congratulate the

inaugural commission for Donald Trump

slush fund, Marco Rubio, Marco Rubio,

slush fund Marco Rubio Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio, Marco Rubio, and Marco

Marco Rubio Marco Rubio and Marco

Rubio.

Rubio

No, he's from Florida. I think that

No he's from Florida I think that

last guy's from Florida. Yeah, that

last guy's from Florida Yeah that

Rubio. Now, you might be saying, "Surely

Rubio Now you might be saying Surely

this can't get more corrupt." Shut up.

this can't get more corrupt Shut up

I'm talking. And it can because most

I'm talking And it can because most

egregiously, the guidelines announced by

egregiously the guidelines announced by

the acting attorney general stipulate

once the funds are deposited into the

designated account, the United States

designated account the United States

has no liability whatsoever for the

protection or safeguarding of those

funds, regardless of bank failure,

funds regardless of bank failure

fraudulent transfers, or any other fraud

fraudulent transfers or any other fraud

or misuse of the funds. So, it's just an

or misuse of the funds So it's just an

all you can fraud buffet. It's an it's

all you can fraud buffet It's an it's

an unprecedented level of grift because

again funds of this scale typically are

either created by an act of Congress or

supervised by a court and this

settlement is just some piece of paper

they printed out saying that Trump can

do anything he wants with a bunch of

your money. Officer officer you can't

your money Officer officer you can't

arrest me for you see I've already

laminated my homemade murder license.

laminated my homemade murder license

This is not just fraud is legal now.

This is not just fraud is legal now

Today, the Justice Department posted an

Today the Justice Department posted an

addendum to the original settlement.

addendum to the original settlement

which says that the IRS is forever

barred and precluded from pursuing

examinations of Trump related or

affiliated individuals and related

trusts in businesses. So, he just gave

trusts in businesses So he just gave

himself a get out of jail free card and

a way better one than Jeffrey Epstein

got.

got

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

Halfway around the world,

Halfway around the world

somebody owes me money.

somebody owes me money

Halfway around the world, Trump still

Halfway around the world Trump still

got his ding-dong caught in the door

hinge of the Middle East.

hinge of the Middle East

Negotiations with Iran have totally

stalled. So on Sunday, he went online

stalled So on Sunday he went online

and posted, "For Iran, the clock is

and posted For Iran the clock is

ticking and they better get moving fast

or there won't be anything left of them.

or there won't be anything left of them

Time is of the essence." You hear that?

Time is of the essence You hear that

Iran, get Iraq together or next week. I

Iran get Iraq together or next week I

don't know what will happen cuz I will

be in a hammock ass deep in a pinina

colada.

colada

and

and a and a fantasy romance novel about

centaurs.

centaurs

>> It's called It's called Trampled by

Passion.

Passion

This time, Trump backed up his tough

This time Trump backed up his tough

talk with some powerful AI slop. He

talk with some powerful AI slop He

posted this image where he's pressing

the big red button that blows up the

Earth. There's a whole bunch of stupid

Earth There's a whole bunch of stupid

stuff in that picture. He appears also

stuff in that picture He appears also

to be blowing up his own command

console,

console

which of course would endanger his teeny

tiny generals on either side of him. Mr.

tiny generals on either side of him Mr

President, there's a fire. Quick,

President there's a fire Quick

everyone into this shoe.

everyone into this shoe

So,

Trump is clearly ready to annihilate

Iran. And I'm sorry, what is that? Oh,

Iran And I'm sorry what is that Oh

Trump says he's called off an attack on

Iran to give talks more time. I got to

Iran to give talks more time I got to

say, these threats are getting less and

say these threats are getting less and

less effective the more he keeps

dragging them out. You want to step

dragging them out You want to step

outside, bro? Oh, you do? Well, it's

outside bro Oh you do Well it's

kind of chilly out there, so I'm going

kind of chilly out there so I'm going

to grab my jacket from Coach.

to grab my jacket from Coach

Okay, it looks like there's a pretty

Okay it looks like there's a pretty

long line, so it might be a while. And I

long line so it might be a while And I

don't have singles for a tip, so let me

don't have singles for a tip so let me

just go to the bar. You want something

just go to the bar You want something

while I'm in there? I'm buying. You can

while I'm in there I'm buying You can

hang out with my girlfriend till I'm

back. Then it is go time, bro time.

back Then it is go time bro time

I don't understand why you did that, but

I don't understand why you did that but

I accept.

I accept

Today, uh, Trump let us know why he's

Today uh Trump let us know why he's

decided to take a Middle East chill pill.

decided to take a Middle East chill pill

>> Other countries have come to me and

they've said we were getting ready to do

a very major attack tomorrow. I put it

a very major attack tomorrow I put it

off for a little while. Hopefully, maybe

off for a little while Hopefully maybe

forever, but possibly for a little

forever but possibly for a little

while.

while

>> Fun fact, hopefully maybe forever, but

>> Fun fact hopefully maybe forever but

possibly for a little while is also a

direct quote from Trump's wedding vows.

direct quote from Trump's wedding vows

That's an oldie but a goodie. Yeah.

That's an oldie but a goodie Yeah

Today, amidst the news that he's sucking

Today amidst the news that he's sucking

up billions of tax player dollars like a

shopvac, Trump headed out to the pile of

shopvac Trump headed out to the pile of

rubble where the East Wing used to be to

talk ballroom. I think cuz it was a

talk ballroom I think cuz it was a

little loud.

little loud

Give that to me.

Give that to me

As his polls get worse and worse, you

As his polls get worse and worse you

know, he's just going to keep finding

know he's just going to keep finding

louder and louder places to answer

questions. I will now answer your

questions I will now answer your

questions about Iran while I froth this

latte.

latte

I can't hear you.

I can't hear you

I also can't answer cuz I'm making the

sound with my own mouth.

sound with my own mouth

Don't know how the machine works.

Don't know how the machine works

Trump gave us a preview of the

state-of-the-art construction job. It's

state-of-the-art construction job It's

a very complex building. It's all knit

a very complex building It's all knit

together. The roof goes with the ground

together The roof goes with the ground

floor. The ground floor goes with the

floor The ground floor goes with the

roof. The roof also goes down into

roof The roof also goes down into

the basement. Oh,

the basement Oh

really?

really

That's fascinating. Mr. President, you

That's fascinating Mr President you

may not know this, sir, but there's

may not know this sir but there's

actually a special word for when the

roof goes all the way down to the

basement.

basement

And that word is walls.

And that word is walls

It has walls. You build a building. It

It has walls You build a building It

has a floor and a roof and in between.

has a floor and a roof and in between

>> Then he bragged about the classical

architecture style.

architecture style

>> Take a look at this section. The

>> Take a look at this section The

different facade.

different facade

So this is Greek

more or less. It comes out of Greece.

more or less It comes out of Greece

This is the ultimate facade for Greece.

This is the ultimate facade for Greece

>> Oh yes. Yes. Greece. I believe Greece is

>> Oh yes Yes Greece I believe Greece is

the word. Tell me more. Tell me more.

the word Tell me more Tell me more

What is wrong with your brain? Tell me

What is wrong with your brain Tell me

more. Tell me more. Were you on

more Tell me more Were you on

Jeffrey's plane? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Jeffrey's plane Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh

Uh-huh. We got a great show for you

Uh-huh We got a great show for you

tonight.

tonight

Stephen Spielberg.

Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Spielberg is here. But when we

Stephen Spielberg is here But when we

come back, Jon Stewart

come back Jon Stewart

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