Watch and Learn - Iran To Trump: You're Losing | Condom Prices Are Up | Penis In The Sky

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Welcome friends. Thank you very much.

Welcome friends Thank you very much

Welcome everybody in here, out there,

Welcome everybody in here out there

all around the world to the Late Show.

all around the world to the Late Show

I'm your host Stephen Colbert.

I'm your host Stephen Colbert

Let's uh

What do we got?

What do we got

Oh, I know. [cheering]

Oh I know cheering

First of all, uh happy Earth Day to all

First of all uh happy Earth Day to all

who celebrate. I uh

who celebrate I uh

I do. I I celebrate Earth Day. I grew up

I do I I celebrate Earth Day I grew up

on Earth. Uh

on Earth Uh

Technically, I still live

Technically I still live

uh on Earth, but just just for tax

uh on Earth but just just for tax

purposes. Um

purposes Um

Half the year I live on a moon base with

Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien

That's why he's so tall. This year

That's why he's so tall This year

there's some positive Earth news out

there, which is nice. Recent studies

there which is nice Recent studies

have found that rainforests can recover

from deforestation in mere decades.

from deforestation in mere decades

Which I'm told is not news to anyone

who's ever gotten a Brazilian wax.

who's ever gotten a Brazilian wax

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Speaking

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Speaking of Brazil, uh

>> Speaking of Brazil uh

Iran.

Iran

Uh uh

Share a lot of the same letters.

Share a lot of the same letters

Yesterday, Trump announced that he was

Yesterday Trump announced that he was

extending a ceasefire between the United

States and Iran hours before it was set

to expire. This time, he did not specify

to expire This time he did not specify

an end date.

an end date

Huh.

Huh

You know what? I am I'm beginning to

You know what I am I'm beginning to

think this war might not be over by

Memorial Day.

Memorial Day

Which uh which reminds me, hold on 1

Which uh which reminds me hold on 1

second. Okay. Let me just uh let me just

second Okay Let me just uh let me just

sign this uh box here. Uh

sign this uh box here Uh

FedEx to A B C

care of Jim

Kimmel

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Hollywood.

>> Hollywood

Enjoy buddy.

Enjoy buddy

Coming to you. Can you get this in the

Coming to you Can you get this in the

mail?

mail

Get that in the mail. [cheering]

Get that in the mail cheering

There we go. Huh.

There we go Huh

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> Woo.

>> Woo

Now [cheering]

Now cheering

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> mere hours after Trump's ceasefire

extension, Iran seized two ships in the

extension Iran seized two ships in the

Strait of Hormuz.

Strait of Hormuz

Which leads us to the segment that will

follow me to my grave.

follow me to my grave

Hormuz news you can use. [cheering]

Hormuz news you can use cheering

Iran takes twos, we in deep do-doos.

Iran takes twos we in deep do-doos

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> The captured ships were two cargo

vessels named the MSC Francesca and the

Empaminondas.

Empaminondas

Which is actually how I pronounce

empanadas after a night of drinking.

empanadas after a night of drinking

Oh, let's let's let's let's get some

Oh let's let's let's let's get some

Empaminondas.

Empaminondas

Siri

Siri, Epaminondas near me.

Siri Epaminondas near me

Empaminondas with a green sauce.

Empaminondas with a green sauce

And she's calling 911 again.

And she's calling 911 again

One Iranian official explained Trump's

ceasefire extension means nothing.

ceasefire extension means nothing

Adding, "The losing side cannot dictate

Adding The losing side cannot dictate

terms." Hey.

terms Hey

Hey buddy, we're America. We don't lose

Hey buddy we're America We don't lose

wars.

wars

We just leave them.

We just leave them

Now

Trump was not happy about Iran giving

him the Middle East finger. So last

him the Middle East finger So last

night he rage posted, "Iran doesn't want

night he rage posted Iran doesn't want

the Strait of Hormuz closed.

the Strait of Hormuz closed

They want it open so they can make $500

They want it open so they can make 500

million a day, which is therefore what

million a day which is therefore what

they are losing if it is closed.

they are losing if it is closed

They only say they want it per closed

because I have totally blockaded closed.

because I have totally blockaded closed

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> So they merely want to save face."

>> So they merely want to save face

Sounds like someone just learned what

the word blockaded means.

the word blockaded means

He continued, "Iran, a country, wants to

He continued Iran a country wants to

save face thing over your skull, which

save face thing over your skull which

is why they're being stupid dumb, but

is why they're being stupid dumb but

they will soon be filled with regret. I

they will soon be filled with regret I

don't know that one."

don't know that one

You know you know that.

You know you know that

With no clear exit for the US, it's no

With no clear exit for the US it's no

surprise that according to several US

officials, the president wants out of

officials the president wants out of

the increasingly unpopular war. In fact,

the increasingly unpopular war In fact

2/3 of Americans disapprove of Trump's

handling of the war with Iran, according

handling of the war with Iran according

to a new NBC News Decision Desk poll

And I'm being told we have footage of

that survey in progress.

that survey in progress

Guys, that's good [cheering] work.

Guys that's good cheering work

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> He does very good work.

>> He does very good work

By the way, I hear SurveyMonkey has an

By the way I hear SurveyMonkey has an

on-again, off-again thing with

on-again off-again thing with

Mailchimp.

Mailchimp

In response to his sinking poll numbers,

In response to his sinking poll numbers

today Trump posted a New York Times

article praising The Apprentice's

ratings from April of 2004.

ratings from April of 2004

Always a tip-off that life isn't going

great for you when you start to brag

about something from 22 years ago.

about something from 22 years ago

You kids think dad's a loser? Well, I'll

You kids think dad's a loser Well I'll

have you know that back in high school

I once won two free tickets to see the

Spin Doctors in Anaheim

at the Grove.

at the Grove

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> This conflict needs to end soon, please,

>> This conflict needs to end soon please

because reportedly the world's top

condom maker is set to raise prices due

to the Iran war.

to the Iran war

Forget the Strait of Hormuz. Now this

Forget the Strait of Hormuz Now this

war has come to pound town.

war has come to pound town

The brand in question is called uh

Karex. I know Durex.

Karex I know Durex

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Karex sounds like the knockoff condoms

you found at the dollar store.

you found at the dollar store

Uh uh the guy says they're the same. By

Uh uh the guy says they're the same By

the way, are you allergic to vinyl

the way are you allergic to vinyl

siding?

siding

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> May contain traces of gypsum.

>> May contain traces of gypsum

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Here's what's going on, y'all. The war

>> Here's what's going on y'all The war

in Iran has made Karex's raw materials

more expensive. So they plan to raise

more expensive So they plan to raise

prices by 20 to 30%.

prices by 20 to 30

Well, we're just going to have to find

Well we're just going to have to find

alternatives to condoms. You know,

alternatives to condoms You know

there's plenty. I remember back in

there's plenty I remember back in

health class they said you could use a

banana peel.

banana peel

I think I think that's what they said. I

I think I think that's what they said I

know there was a banana on the teacher's

desk.

desk

I was pretty high.

I was pretty high

I ate the banana.

I ate the banana

Karex also supplies prophylactics to

global aid programs run by the United

Nations. Ah yes, United Nations brand

Nations Ah yes United Nations brand

condoms.

condoms

You know their slogan? YOU ARE THE

You know their slogan YOU ARE THE

FATHER.

FATHER

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

[applause]

applause

>> SPEAKING OF CONDOMS, SEVERAL Finnish Air

>> SPEAKING OF CONDOMS SEVERAL Finnish Air

Force pilots were disciplined for

drawing male genitalia in the sky

using their flight patterns. Let's take

using their flight patterns Let's take

a look.

a look

Okay okay, I see it.

Okay okay I see it

Wow, that's great work.

Wow that's great work

Uh oh, wow. We got a Top Gun there. Uh

Uh oh wow We got a Top Gun there Uh

and one more.

and one more

Okay.

Okay

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> I have notes on that one.

>> I have notes on that one

Cuz this this looks less like a penis

and more a pair of scissors or

maybe a cute skinny mouse.

maybe a cute skinny mouse

If your penis looks like this, consult a

If your penis looks like this consult a

doctor

or an exterminator.

or an exterminator

Should not have a tail. In in other

Should not have a tail In in other

weenie news, there's an update on FBI

weenie news there's an update on FBI

Director Kash Patel.

Director Kash Patel

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Seen here smelling what he dealt last

week.

week

Last week, The Atlantic published a

Last week The Atlantic published a

bombshell article that alleges Patel

gets drunk and passes out at work.

gets drunk and passes out at work

On Monday, he sued The Atlantic for

On Monday he sued The Atlantic for

defamation, and yesterday he had a

defamation and yesterday he had a

chance to defend himself. Can you say

chance to defend himself Can you say

[clears throat] definitively that you

clears throat definitively that you

have not been intoxicated or absent

during your tenure as FBI director?

during your tenure as FBI director

I can say unequivocally that I never

listen to the fake news mafia. And as

listen to the fake news mafia And as

when they get louder, it just means I'm

when they get louder it just means I'm

doing my job. Uh that's not a no.

doing my job Uh that's not a no

Sir

Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

Sir have you been drinking tonight

Officer, I can say unequivocally that I

Officer I can say unequivocally that I

am just on the way to pick up my

Empaminondas.

Empaminondas

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Epam- Order, Siri.

>> Epam Order Siri

Siri, drive car.

Siri drive car

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> By the way, this isn't the first time

>> By the way this isn't the first time

Patel's had to try to go after someone

for saying he parties too hard. Last

for saying he parties too hard Last

year, he sued a former FBI official who

year he sued a former FBI official who

claimed he had been visible at

nightclubs far more than he had been at

the Bureau's headquarters. That's

the Bureau's headquarters That's

ridiculous. I mean, he might have been

ridiculous I mean he might have been

at nightclubs, but there's no way he's

at nightclubs but there's no way he's

visible.

visible

The guy's not tall enough to see over

the bar.

the bar

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> One acorn cap full of alcohol, please.

>> One acorn cap full of alcohol please

Golly, that's a lot.

Golly that's a lot

Someone should really take away the keys

to my snail.

to my snail

Patel was also asked about an incident

described in the same Atlantic article

where he couldn't log into his FBI

computer and he panicked thinking that

it meant he had been fired. Explain the

it meant he had been fired Explain the

computer login issue. Just explain the

computer login issue Just explain the

computer login issue. You were not able

computer login issue You were not able

to log into the Your lawsuit contends

that you were not able to log into the

system. What did you think after you

system What did you think after you

were unable to log into the system?

were unable to log into the system

Let's have a survey. How many of you

Let's have a survey How many of you

people believe that's true?

people believe that's true

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

[applause]

applause

>> Sorry.

>> Sorry

uh go on. I've answered your question.

uh go on I've answered your question

It's simply as follows. I was never

It's simply as follows I was never

locked out of my systems. Anybody who

locked out of my systems Anybody who

says any-

says any

>> says the opposite. Your lawsuit contends

>> says the opposite Your lawsuit contends

Anyone that says the opposite is lying.

Anyone that says the opposite is lying

Thank you.

Thank you

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Okay. So Kash says that anyone who says

>> Okay So Kash says that anyone who says

that Kash was locked out of Kash's FBI

computer is lying, but the reporter

computer is lying but the reporter

points out that in Cash's own lawsuit,

points out that in Cash's own lawsuit

Kash says Kash was locked out of Kash's

FBI computer, so Cash is lying that the

FBI computer so Cash is lying that the

reporter is lying about Cash, which

reporter is lying about Cash which

means hold on.

means hold on

He has to leave the grain with the fox

before he can go get drunk with the

chicken.

chicken

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

My guests

are Pete Buttigieg

and Adam Schiff, but when we come back,

and Adam Schiff but when we come back

your chance

to be part of late show history.

to be part of late show history

>> [music and cheering]

>> music and cheering

>> Stick around.

>> Stick around

>> [music]

>> music

[music]

music

[music]

music

[music]

music

[cheering]

cheering

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