Watch and Learn - Kristi Noem: A Boss With Benefits | Obama's Alien Coverup

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Welcome one and all in here, out there,

Welcome one and all in here out there

all around the world to the Late Show.

all around the world to the Late Show

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies

I'm your host Stephen Colbert Ladies

and gentlemen,

and gentlemen

good to see all of y'all. Been too long.

good to see all of y'all Been too long

You know, first of all, start off by

You know first of all start off by

saying happy President's Day, everybody.

saying happy President's Day everybody

And [cheering]

And cheering

I I just want to warn you right off the

bean here. Uh, that does not apply to all

bean here Uh that does not apply to all

presidents. I

presidents I

I don't know about you.

I don't know about you

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Now I'm running I'm a President's Day

originalist, okay? Wasn't always all

originalist okay Wasn't always all

presidents. When I was a kid, we had a

presidents When I was a kid we had a

few presidents birthdays that we

celebrated in different days in the

winter. And then and those holidays were

winter And then and those holidays were

eventually merged into one, I believe,

eventually merged into one I believe

following an accident at the Fermilab

Particle Accelerator.

Particle Accelerator

They jammed together into what we now

call President's Day. But this still

call President's Day But this still

does not apply to every single

president. Okay? It is specifically

president Okay It is specifically

honoring our first president, George

honoring our first president George

Washington, our 16th president, Abraham

Washington our 16th president Abraham

Lincoln, and our 22nd president, Grover

Lincoln and our 22nd president Grover

T. Queen size. [cheering]

T Queen size cheering

All right.

All right

Ah,

that's good looking. [applause] That's

that's good looking applause That's

good looking. Tonight,

good looking Tonight

speaking of the executive branch, we

speaking of the executive branch we

recently got some uh some new scoops

about Secretary of Homeland Security

Kristi Noem, seen here swearing to fill

Kristi Noem seen here swearing to fill

the lip, the whole lip and nothing but

the lip the whole lip and nothing but

the lip.

the lip

Last week,

Last week

last week, a liberal rag, the Wall

last week a liberal rag the Wall

Street Journal, published an expose

Street Journal published an expose

all about Noem. And it's the kind of

all about Noem And it's the kind of

article that gets published only if

everyone who works for you cannot wait

to tell a reporter just how awful you

are.

are

Here's one instance. Uh, the Journal

Here's one instance Uh the Journal

reports that Noem is jealous of Trump's

other top immigration henchmen, a border

other top immigration henchmen a border

Tom Homan, seen here demanding the Costco

Tom Homan seen here demanding the Costco

lady fill that sample cup to the brim

with Kirkland.

with Kirkland

Do it. Fill it. [cheering] Apparently,

Do it Fill it cheering Apparently

You know, you know what I'm talking

You know you know what I'm talking

about. You know what I'm talking about.

about You know what I'm talking about

[applause]

applause

Apparently, Nome was so worried that

Apparently Nome was so worried that

Trump would like Homeman more than he

likes her that she kept track of both

their media appearances to make sure

that she was on TV more than him now

and even routinely berated staff if she

saw Homan on TV. I mean, anywhere,

saw Homan on TV I mean anywhere

including his popular anti-immigrant

sitcom, Home Improvement.

sitcom Home Improvement

[cheering]

cheering

Yeah. Yeah. [applause]

Yeah Yeah applause

The neighbor was behind the fence.

The neighbor was behind the fence

[cheering]

cheering

The neighbor was by the fence cuz he was

scared of it. Uh while she reportedly

scared of it Uh while she reportedly

doesn't like that maggot dude, it's

doesn't like that maggot dude it's

rumored that there are some maggot dudes

that she do like and does do. For

that she do like and does do For

example,

example

top advisor and disgruntled political Corey

Lewandowski.

Lewandowski

[cheering]

cheering

The booze are coming a little late,

The booze are coming a little late

guys.

guys

on the bus or off the bus, but the boo

on the bus or off the bus but the boo

bus is leaving the station. [laughter]

bus is leaving the station laughter

Noem is Corey's boss and possibly boss

with benefits because that rumor is that

the two of them are in a romantic

relationship even though they're both

married with children.

married with children

Okay, if that romantic part is true,

Okay if that romantic part is true

Corey, a word of warning, avoid doggy

Corey a word of warning avoid doggy

style.

style

[cheering]

cheering

Hold

on. [applause and cheering]

on applause and cheering

Especially near the gravel pit.

Especially near the gravel pit

[cheering]

cheering

[laughter]

laughter

You remembered. You remembered. Okay.

You remembered You remembered Okay

Adding

adding fuel. Adding fuel to the freaky

adding fuel Adding fuel to the freaky

deicky. According to the Wall Street

deicky According to the Wall Street

Journal again, they have lately been

Journal again they have lately been

using a luxury 737 Max Jet with a

private cabin in the back.

private cabin in the back

that plane's manufacturer. Boeing.

that plane's manufacturer Boeing

[cheering]

cheering

Oh, wow. That a [applause] little little

Oh wow That a applause little little

side hustle there. You know,

side hustle there You know

we've been off for a week and we missed

a lot of stories like uh I got bangs and

then I got rid of them. But we also

then I got rid of them But we also

missed some weird ones. Uh like last

missed some weird ones Uh like last

Wednesday when the FAA abruptly shut

down the airspace over El Paso, Texas.

down the airspace over El Paso Texas

Here's what happened. After seeing what

Here's what happened After seeing what

they thought to be a drone flying near

the airport, the FAA unilaterally shut

the airport the FAA unilaterally shut

down El Paso's airspace, restricting all

down El Paso's airspace restricting all

planes flying below 18,000 ft for 10

planes flying below 18000 ft for 10

days. Something that hasn't happened

days Something that hasn't happened

since 9/11. And this was nothing like

since 9/11 And this was nothing like

911. This is El Paso, Texas. And 911

911 This is El Paso Texas And 911

happened where?

happened where

New York City.

New York City

[laughter]

laughter

Now, understandably, understandably, as

Now understandably understandably as

you can see there, people were freaking

you can see there people were freaking

out, but but only for a bit because the

out but but only for a bit because the

restriction was lifted after only eight

hours after CBP officials used a laser

counter drone weapon to take out the

objects that were later identified as

party balloons. [cheering]

party balloons cheering

[laughter]

laughter

There's absolutely no excuse for using

military grade battle lasers to shoot

down party balloons unless they are

specifically this Elmo.

specifically this Elmo

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

Yes.

Yes

[applause]

applause

Which I believe was taken from the Elmoh

bodies exhibit. [cheering]

bodies exhibit cheering

So this was a huge misunderstanding,

So this was a huge misunderstanding

right? Maybe not, because Transportation

right Maybe not because Transportation

Secretary Shawn Ducey released a

statement saying, "The FAA and

statement saying The FAA and

Department of Defense acted swiftly to

address a cartel drone incursion."

address a cartel drone incursion

Sir, this is far more serious than

Sir this is far more serious than

something from a cartel. This is from a

something from a cartel This is from a

desperate party who just spent an

afternoon at Party City.

afternoon at Party City

Why is one Mylar balloon more expensive

than 20 regular ones? And also, how is

than 20 regular ones And also how is

everything here brand new, but also

everything here brand new but also

covered in dust?

covered in dust

All of it. It's all covered. [cheering]

All of it It's all covered cheering

[applause]

applause

What is the deal?

What is the deal

So, here's the thing. Which was it?

So here's the thing Which was it

Party balloons or cartel drones? We may

Party balloons or cartel drones We may

never know. Or may we

never know Or may we

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

caught that camera caught that camera by

surprise.

surprise

May we we may because over the weekend

President Obama went on a podcast and

dropped this bomb. Are aliens real?

dropped this bomb Are aliens real

Uh they're real.

Uh they're real

That's it.

That's it

We got aliens. [cheering]

We got aliens cheering

Cool. President

Cool President

President Cool guy.

President Cool guy

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

President Cool says so. But of course

President Cool says so But of course

Obama tried to backtrack the next day by

posting. Let me clarify. I saw no

posting Let me clarify I saw no

evidence during my presidency that

extraterrestrials have made contact with

us. Really? Boo.

us Really Boo

[cheering] What happened to Hope, buddy?

cheering What happened to Hope buddy

[laughter]

laughter

This is why.

This is why

This is why everyone likes Michelle

better. [laughter]

better laughter

Oh, [cheering] you've seen the poll.

Oh cheering you've seen the poll

Don't tell me you haven't seen the

polling. I know you've seen the polling.

polling I know you've seen the polling

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Now, hear me out, ladies and gentlemen.

Now hear me out ladies and gentlemen

I smell a big fat cover up because Obama

posted that clarification yesterday at

5:59 p.m. Eastern when he was at the NBA

5:59 pm Eastern when he was at the NBA

Allstar game. So, Obama reveals aliens

Allstar game So Obama reveals aliens

exist, then goes to a basketball game

exist then goes to a basketball game

and suddenly changes his story. Who got

and suddenly changes his story Who got

to him? Could it be aliens? Cuz I'm

to him Could it be aliens Cuz I'm

calling it right now. They're making

calling it right now They're making

Space Jam 3.

Space Jam 3

[applause]

applause

And I'll tell you this,

And I'll tell you this

it's time.

it's time

One, yes. Two, [applause]

One yes Two applause

three, I know you love it. I'll tell you

three I know you love it I'll tell you

this much, folks. I would much rather

this much folks I would much rather

have the aliens take over than

artificial intelligence. Case in point.

artificial intelligence Case in point

[cheering] Case in point. [applause]

cheering Case in point applause

Couple of humans left in here. That's

Couple of humans left in here That's

good.

good

Case in point, Health and Human Services

Case in point Health and Human Services

just launched a new website called

realfood.gov. If you go there, you are

realfoodgov If you go there you are

greeted by milk, broccoli, steak,

greeted by milk broccoli steak

followed by a gargantuan head of noted

nutritionist Mike Tyson.

nutritionist Mike Tyson

So, it looks like human ear is back on

So it looks like human ear is back on

the menu, boys. [cheering]

the menu boys cheering

On the website, [applause]

On the website applause

he likes food.

he likes food

On the website, you can ask questions

On the website you can ask questions

about your diet. Unfortunately, those

about your diet Unfortunately those

answers are supplied by AI.

answers are supplied by AI

Specifically, Grock, Elon Musk's AI

Specifically Grock Elon Musk's AI

chatbot, best known for calling itself

chatbot best known for calling itself

Meka Hitler.

Meka Hitler

Always always a little dicey to get your

nutritional advice from robo fascists

explains the poor sales of the cookbook

Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat.

Salt Fat Acid Heat

One, thank you. One reporter. [applause]

One thank you One reporter applause

don't

one reporter tested out the HHS's

chatbot and made it a surprising

discovery. The nutritionbot gives advice

discovery The nutritionbot gives advice

for the safest foods that can be

inserted into your rectum.

inserted into your rectum

[cheering]

cheering

Are we great again yet?

Are we great again yet

One user. [cheering] Thank you. Thank

One user cheering Thank you Thank

you.

you

[applause]

applause

One one user actually asked Grock, "I

One one user actually asked Grock I

only eat foods which can be comfortably

inserted into my rectum. What are the

inserted into my rectum What are the

real food recommendations for foods that

meet these criteria?" Grock was all

meet these criteria Grock was all

about this request, saying, "Ah, a proud

about this request saying Ah a proud

acetarian."

acetarian

Stop. [cheering and applause]

Stop cheering and applause

it. Stop right there. But let's not

it Stop right there But let's not

encourage these these people. It's bad

encourage these these people It's bad

enough at Thanksgiving when your

acetarian cousin ruins the meal by

complaining there's nothing here I can

fit up my ass. [cheering]

fit up my ass cheering

[applause]

applause

And don't get me started on the butt

vegans.

vegans

Fake cheese feels all wrong.

Fake cheese feels all wrong

[applause and cheering] Brock went on to

applause and cheering Brock went on to

propose healthy choices for the user's

butt, recommending a peeled medium

butt recommending a peeled medium

cucumber and a small zucchini as the two

best choices. Of course, to be safe, be

best choices Of course to be safe be

sure to serve those with plenty of ranch

before you

[laughter] before you venture into the

laughter before you venture into the

hidden valley.

hidden valley

[cheering] Thank you. [applause]

cheering Thank you applause

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

This is not only dangerous, but it

This is not only dangerous but it

completely recontextualizes the Veggie

Tale series. [cheering]

Tale series cheering

Oh no.

Oh no

Now, now we know why they did so much

Now now we know why they did so much

praying.

praying

[cheering]

cheering

Groq also listed other top

acetarian staples. First tip, no

acetarian staples First tip no

staples.

staples

[laughter]

laughter

Instead, Grock advised bananas firm, not

Instead Grock advised bananas firm not

overripe, peeled. [cheering]

overripe peeled cheering

Explains the old saying, is that a

Explains the old saying is that a

banana in your pocket? Or, oh god,

banana in your pocket Or oh god

that's not your pocket.

that's not your pocket

We got a great show for you tonight. My

We got a great show for you tonight My

guest [music] is general.

guest music is general

When we come back, the FCC did it again.

When we come back the FCC did it again

Oh boy. [music]

Oh boy music

[music]

music

[music]

music

Come on. Yeah. [cheering]

Come on Yeah cheering

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