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Welcome one and all to the late show.
Welcome
one
and
all
to
the
late
show
I'm your host Steven Colbert. Ladies and
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbert
Ladies
and
gentlemen, I tell you, I stand right
gentlemen
I
tell
you
I
stand
right
here. Stand right here. I just I just I
here
Stand
right
here
I
just
I
just
I
just got to start tonight by thanking
just
got
to
start
tonight
by
thanking
everyone here in the Ed Sullivan Theater
everyone
here
in
the
Ed
Sullivan
Theater
for braving a blizzard to be our
for
braving
a
blizzard
to
be
our
audience. Yes.
audience
Yes
Give yourself
Give
yourself
Give yourself a big hand. And if you
Give
yourself
a
big
hand
And
if
you
lost your hands to frostbite, thump
lost
your
hands
to
frostbite
thump
those stumps.
those
stumps
Of course, bravest of all might be me
Of
course
bravest
of
all
might
be
me
because
because
this morning, this is true. No vehicles
this
morning
this
is
true
No
vehicles
were allowed in the streets. I walked to
were
allowed
in
the
streets
I
walked
to
work. Here's footage of my commute.
work
Here's
footage
of
my
commute
That's that moment. I look angry, but
That's
that
moment
I
look
angry
but
that's when I saw that Duncan was
that's
when
I
saw
that
Duncan
was
closed.
closed
I actually I actually did get my phone
I
actually
I
actually
did
get
my
phone
camera out uh on my way into the office.
camera
out
uh
on
my
way
into
the
office
Uh it was a lovely walk. I uh as you can
Uh
it
was
a
lovely
walk
I
uh
as
you
can
see, I took a shortcut through Narnia.
see
I
took
a
shortcut
through
Narnia
Half man, half goat met at a lamp post
Half
man
half
goat
met
at
a
lamp
post
playing a pan pipe.
playing
a
pan
pipe
I think it was a pan pipe. Could have
I
think
it
was
a
pan
pipe
Could
have
been vaping. I don't know.
been
vaping
I
don't
know
Ate some Turkish delight. Anyway,
Ate
some
Turkish
delight
Anyway
experts say this is shaping up to be an
experts
say
this
is
shaping
up
to
be
an
historic blizzard. As of this afternoon,
historic
blizzard
As
of
this
afternoon
there were almost 20 inches of snow in
there
were
almost
20
inches
of
snow
in
Central Park, making this a top 10
Central
Park
making
this
a
top
10
snowstorm for the city, dating back to
snowstorm
for
the
city
dating
back
to
1869.
1869
1869.
1869
These people know. These people know
These
people
know
These
people
know
1869 was a rough one for New York. Snow
1869
was
a
rough
one
for
New
York
Snow
removal back then was just gangs of
removal
back
then
was
just
gangs
of
Irish street urchins with wooden spoons.
Irish
street
urchins
with
wooden
spoons
Storm is so bad. The storm's so bad that
Storm
is
so
bad
The
storm's
so
bad
that
Mayor uh Adams announced a snow day
Mayor
uh
Adams
announced
a
snow
day
for students with no remote learning.
for
students
with
no
remote
learning
Yeah,
Yeah
old school. That's old school.
old
school
That's
old
school
Though to be fair, Zoom school also
Though
to
be
fair
Zoom
school
also
features no remote learning.
features
no
remote
learning
Parents understand that one. This not
Parents
understand
that
one
This
not
just here in New York. All over the
just
here
in
New
York
All
over
the
Northeast, folks are dealing with windy,
Northeast
folks
are
dealing
with
windy
snowy conditions that meteorologists are
snowy
conditions
that
meteorologists
are
calling a snowcane. Of course,
calling
a
snowcane
Of
course
snowcane, also a popular drug that's
snowcane
also
a
popular
drug
that's
half cocaine, half more cocaine.
half
cocaine
half
more
cocaine
Last night, last night. That's pretty.
Last
night
last
night
That's
pretty
Last night, we even got something called
Last
night
we
even
got
something
called
Thunder Snow. Oh, I love I love I love
Thunder
Snow
Oh
I
love
I
love
I
love
Thunder Snow. I saw them open for Whitesnake
Thunder
Snow
I
saw
them
open
for
Whitesnake
Snake in 1986.
Snake
in
1986
They played their hit, She Wasn’t This,
They
played
their
hit
She
Wasn’t
This
Sticky Like a Lollipop.
Sticky
Like
a
Lollipop
They didn't last long as a band because
They
didn't
last
long
as
a
band
because
of all the uh snow came.
of
all
the
uh
snow
came
As of this morning, 613,000 customers
As
of
this
morning
613000
customers
without power across 12 states,
without
power
across
12
states
according to poweroutage.us, which is a
according
to
poweroutageus
which
is
a
great website. You can always see if
great
website
You
can
always
see
if
you've got power or not.
you've
got
power
or
not
As long
As
long
as long as you've got power.
as
long
as
you've
got
power
Yesterday, the Olympics wrapped up in
Yesterday
the
Olympics
wrapped
up
in
Milan, and it was a thrilling closing
Milan
and
it
was
a
thrilling
closing
day for the United States because the U.S.
day
for
the
United
States
because
the
US
men's hockey team beat Canada to win
men's
hockey
team
beat
Canada
to
win
their first gold medal since 1980.
their
first
gold
medal
since
1980
Yeah. Boom.
Yeah
Boom
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah
That's
right
That's right. That is right. Several
That's
right
That
is
right
Several
people
people
in your polite face. Canada, we beat you
in
your
polite
face
Canada
we
beat
you
at hockey. That's your whole thing.
at
hockey
That's
your
whole
thing
That'll be like you beating us at
That'll
be
like
you
beating
us
at
squandering our international goodwill.
squandering
our
international
goodwill
Nobody out does it. No one out pizzas
Nobody
out
does
it
No
one
out
pizzas
the US. It was an exciting win for a
the
US
It
was
an
exciting
win
for
a
young American team that wasn't supposed
young
American
team
that
wasn't
supposed
to be able to take on Canada, which
to
be
able
to
take
on
Canada
which
which ended with this beautiful goal in
which
ended
with
this
beautiful
goal
in
overtime.
overtime
Across it comes Jack, wins it. The golden
Across
it
comes
Jack
wins
it
The
golden
goal for the United States.
goal
for
the
United
States
That is fantastic. That was moving. That
That
is
fantastic
That
was
moving
That
was so beautiful. But also, why is it
was
so
beautiful
But
also
why
is
it
always got to be sex with these hockey
always
got
to
be
sex
with
these
hockey
guys?
guys
They had to shoot him from up here.
They
had
to
shoot
him
from
up
here
And get this, Jack Hughes, okay, the
And
get
this
Jack
Hughes
okay
the
player who scored the winning goal is
player
who
scored
the
winning
goal
is
only 24. He's so young, he doesn't even
only
24
He's
so
young
he
doesn't
even
have all his teeth yet.
have
all
his
teeth
yet
Good family joke.
Good
family
joke
Quality family joke.
Quality
family
joke
Family monologue tonight. There were
Family
monologue
tonight
There
were
tons of other thrilling moments from our
tons
of
other
thrilling
moments
from
our
Olympians. The women's hockey team also
Olympians
The
women's
hockey
team
also
crushed Canada in overtime.
crushed
Canada
in
overtime
And
And
and
and
in figure skating, the most joyful
in
figure
skating
the
most
joyful
person you've ever seen, Alyssa Leu,
person
you've
ever
seen
Alyssa
Leu
rocketed to gold with a jaw-dropping
rocketed
to
gold
with
a
jaw-dropping
program. And when she finished, she had
program
And
when
she
finished
she
had
this to say.
this
to
say
Yeah, that's what we're all talking
Yeah
that's
what
we're
all
talking
about. Come on.
about
Come
on
I am this close to dying stripes in my
I
am
this
close
to
dying
stripes
in
my
hair and getting whatever that gum
hair
and
getting
whatever
that
gum
piercing is. Unless it hurts, in which
piercing
is
Unless
it
hurts
in
which
case just the stripes.
case
just
the
stripes
That wasn't the only victory for
That
wasn't
the
only
victory
for
America. On Friday, the Supreme Court
America
On
Friday
the
Supreme
Court
struck down Donald Trump's terror.
struck
down
Donald
Trump's
terror
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Now
that's
what
I'm
talking
about
Justices, you've done something truly
Justices
you've
done
something
truly
historic. You've made people go woohoo
historic
You've
made
people
go
woohoo
about tariffs.
about
tariffs
It was a 63. It was a 6-3 ruling, right?
It
was
a
63
It
was
a
6-3
ruling
right
It was a 6-3 ruling uh along partisan
It
was
a
6-3
ruling
uh
along
partisan
not partisan really douchebag lines
not
partisan
really
douchebag
lines
with the dissent from Alito, Thomas and
with
the
dissent
from
Alito
Thomas
and
Kavanaugh or as they're known by their
Kavanaugh
or
as
they're
known
by
their
morning DJ names Flag Man, Mr. RV and
morning
DJ
names
Flag
Man
Mr
RV
and
the Boof crew.
the
Boof
crew
The majority opinion uh majority opinion
The
majority
opinion
uh
majority
opinion
was written by Chief Justice and
was
written
by
Chief
Justice
and
full-grown adult of the court John
full-grown
adult
of
the
court
John
Roberts.
Roberts
In it, Roberts smacked Trump down,
In
it
Roberts
smacked
Trump
down
writing, "The president asserts the
writing
The
president
asserts
the
extraordinary power to unilaterally
extraordinary
power
to
unilaterally
impose tariffs of unlimited amount,
impose
tariffs
of
unlimited
amount
duration, and scope. He must identify
duration
and
scope
He
must
identify
clear congressional authorization to
clear
congressional
authorization
to
exercise it."
exercise
it
You hear that?
You
hear
that
Do you hear that, Mr. President? Your
Do
you
hear
that
Mr
President
Your
tariffs are so illegal, the Supreme
tariffs
are
so
illegal
the
Supreme
Court just ordered you to cease.
Court
just
ordered
you
to
cease
Kid Rock, make some room in that sauna.
Kid
Rock
make
some
room
in
that
sauna
That'd be fun. Trump was not uh thrilled
That'd
be
fun
Trump
was
not
uh
thrilled
with the court's decision. Uh right
with
the
court's
decision
Uh
right
afterwards, he dropped a post longer
afterwards
he
dropped
a
post
longer
than the uni bombers user agreement.
than
the
uni
bombers
user
agreement
In his screed, Trump went after the
In
his
screed
Trump
went
after
the
majority justices, calling them fools
majority
justices
calling
them
fools
and lap dogs for the rhinos and radical
and
lap
dogs
for
the
rhinos
and
radical
left Democrats who have been swayed by
left
Democrats
who
have
been
swayed
by
foreign interests. Yes. And Trump has
foreign
interests
Yes
And
Trump
has
been very clear. He will not be swayed
been
very
clear
He
will
not
be
swayed
by foreign interests, only by foreign
by
foreign
interests
only
by
foreign
golden plane, foreign golden crown, and
golden
plane
foreign
golden
crown
and
foreign golden FIFA peace prize. Trump
foreign
golden
FIFA
peace
prize
Trump
was so angry, he was so miffed,
was
so
angry
he
was
so
miffed
pissed,
pissed
ruffled. He immediately imposed a
ruffled
He
immediately
imposed
a
blanket 10% tariff on all foreign
blanket
10
tariff
on
all
foreign
trading partners. Then because he woke
trading
partners
Then
because
he
woke
up feeling cranky on Saturday, he raised
up
feeling
cranky
on
Saturday
he
raised
it to 15%.
it
to
15
15% on anything imported from another
15
on
anything
imported
from
another
country. So get ready to look for great
country
So
get
ready
to
look
for
great
deals on American-made products like
deals
on
American-made
products
like
single origin coffee from Newark.
single
origin
coffee
from
Newark
I think those are coffee beans.
I
think
those
are
coffee
beans
Trump's feelings were so big hurt after
Trump's
feelings
were
so
big
hurt
after
the ruling, he had to call a press
the
ruling
he
had
to
call
a
press
conference just to, you know, to cry it
conference
just
to
you
know
to
cry
it
out. And he decided to set the mood. For
out
And
he
decided
to
set
the
mood
For
reference, the press room usually looks
reference
the
press
room
usually
looks
like this, but Trump changed it to the
like
this
but
Trump
changed
it
to
the
Whoa.
Whoa
Purple background and purple tie. Is
Purple
background
and
purple
tie
Is
this a press conference or a Prince
this
a
press
conference
or
a
Prince
album cover?
album
cover
Purple hand.
Purple
hand
Purple hand.
Purple
hand
I only want some makeup
I
only
want
some
makeup
for my purple hair.
for
my
purple
hair
At the press conference, Trump assured
At
the
press
conference
Trump
assured
us that everyone he meets loves tariffs,
us
that
everyone
he
meets
loves
tariffs
especially guys who don't
especially
guys
who
don't
exist, like this weird story.
exist
like
this
weird
story
I made a speech at a factory. They made
I
made
a
speech
at
a
factory
They
made
steel products. And I said, "Uh, how are
steel
products
And
I
said
Uh
how
are
you? Nice to meet you. How's business
you
Nice
to
meet
you
How's
business
president? I'd love to kiss you." This
president
I'd
love
to
kiss
you
This
is a very powerful man. I don't want to
is
a
very
powerful
man
I
don't
want
to
be kissed by that man, but a very
be
kissed
by
that
man
but
a
very
powerful, strong man. He said, "Sir, I
powerful
strong
man
He
said
Sir
I
want to kiss you." He said, "Sir, I want
want
to
kiss
you
He
said
Sir
I
want
to kiss you so badly." And I said, "No,
to
kiss
you
so
badly
And
I
said
No
thank you." It seems Trump's whole
thank
you
It
seems
Trump's
whole
strong man tears in his eyes stories
strong
man
tears
in
his
eyes
stories
have reached their fanfic phase. Very
have
reached
their
fanfic
phase
Very
powerful guy. Very powerful guy.
powerful
guy
Very
powerful
guy
Brilliant scientist comes up to me and
Brilliant
scientist
comes
up
to
me
and
says, "President, I'd love to kiss you."
says
President
I'd
love
to
kiss
you
And I say, "No, thank you." And he gets
And
I
say
No
thank
you
And
he
gets
so angry he turns green and says Hulk
so
angry
he
turns
green
and
says
Hulk
kiss. And all of his clothes
kiss
And
all
of
his
clothes
all his clothes come off but his pants
all
his
clothes
come
off
but
his
pants
stay on
stay
on
but they become jean shorts and the
but
they
become
jean
shorts
and
the
waist adjusts in size.
waist
adjusts
in
size
Don't think about it too much. Anyway,
Don't
think
about
it
too
much
Anyway
we ended up making out.
we
ended
up
making
out
Just a reminder, tomorrow is the State
Just
a
reminder
tomorrow
is
the
State
of the Union and the late show will be
of
the
Union
and
the
late
show
will
be
live for that. That'll be our last live
live
for
that
That'll
be
our
last
live
show. I got something. A little
show
I
got
something
A
little
something.
something
Join us, won't you? Thanks to this
Join
us
won't
you
Thanks
to
this
ruling, it's going to be uh a little
ruling
it's
going
to
be
uh
a
little
awkward cuz traditionally the Supreme
awkward
cuz
traditionally
the
Supreme
Court justices sit right there in the
Court
justices
sit
right
there
in
the
front row in what historians call the
front
row
in
what
historians
call
the
splash zone. And this is a situation
splash
zone
And
this
is
a
situation
Trump was asked about.
Trump
was
asked
about
Are they still invited to your State of
Are
they
still
invited
to
your
State
of
the Union next week? And will you still
the
Union
next
week
And
will
you
still
speak with them?
speak
with
them
They are invited. Barely.
They
are
invited
Barely
Barely.
Barely
Three are happily invited. No. No.
Three
are
happily
invited
No
No
They're barely They're barely invited.
They're
barely
They're
barely
invited
Honestly, I couldn't care less if they
Honestly
I
couldn't
care
less
if
they
come.
come
How do you barely invite someone?
How
do
you
barely
invite
someone
Ted and Leanne Nton barely request your
Ted
and
Leanne
Nton
barely
request
your
presence at the wedding of their
presence
at
the
wedding
of
their
daughter. Honestly, they couldn't care
daughter
Honestly
they
couldn't
care
less if you come. Please select chicken,
less
if
you
come
Please
select
chicken
fish, or go yourself. We got a great
fish
or
go
yourself
We
got
a
great
show for you tonight. I guess
show
for
you
tonight
I
guess
it's your chance to make some history.
it's
your
chance
to
make
some
history
Come on.
Come
on
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