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Welcome, welcome one and all to the late

Welcome welcome one and all to the late

show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbear.

show I'm your host Stephen Colbear

And tonight, [cheering]

And tonight cheering

tonight, I want to take all that energy

tonight I want to take all that energy

and I want I want I want to I'm going to

use it to to to offer another salute to

the people of Minnesota.

the people of Minnesota

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

>> Who have stood up for each other

[cheering] in beautiful ways.

cheering in beautiful ways

>> These people have beautifully stood up

for each other in the midst of the

violence and fear-mongering of this

administration. And today, Minnesota

administration And today Minnesota

officials announced that Trump is

withdrawing federal officers from

Minnesota. [cheering]

Minnesota cheering

We don't know how many. [applause]

We don't know how many applause

We don't know when. We don't know how

We don't know when We don't know how

many, but I'm told we already have

many but I'm told we already have

footage of one federal officer standing

down.

down

[applause]

applause

>> I I will never pass up an opportunity to

show that footage. Apparently, Trump

show that footage Apparently Trump

learned that violent mass goons are not

crowd-pleasers, and he learned that from

crowd-pleasers and he learned that from

his most trusted adviser, the TV.

his most trusted adviser the TV

Reportedly, over the weekend, working

Reportedly over the weekend working

from the Oval Office, Trump watched as

from the Oval Office Trump watched as

footage of the shooting of Alex Prey

played on repeat from Minneapolis. As

played on repeat from Minneapolis As

one insider described the situation,

one insider described the situation

it's and pus knew he needed to un it.

it's and pus knew he needed to un it

[cheering]

cheering

And Trump knows better than anybody if

you don't un quick enough you could end

up with an Eric. So [cheering]

up with an Eric So cheering

his big move big move I'm sorry

[applause]

applause

I'm sorry to use bad words like Eric.

I'm sorry to use bad words like Eric

His big move his big move in beginning

the uning of sending in Trump's border

and love child of Shrek and Mrs. Potato

and love child of Shrek and Mrs Potato

Head Tom Holman. [cheering]

Head Tom Holman cheering

Just just to refresh your memory though,

Just just to refresh your memory though

it sounds like I don't need to. Uh Tom

it sounds like I don't need to Uh Tom

Holman is not cool. He was the architect

Holman is not cool He was the architect

of Trump's family separation policy. And

of Trump's family separation policy And

in 2024, he allegedly accepted $50,000

in 2024 he allegedly accepted 50000

from an undercover FBI agents that was

hidden in a bag from the Mediterranean

fast casual restaurant Cava.

fast casual restaurant Cava

So downside,

So downside

terrorizing families and maybe taking

bribes. upside. He brought hummus.

bribes upside He brought hummus

Now that Homeman uh Now that Homeman's

in, the old guard is out because

in the old guard is out because

reportedly in response to the outrage

over Alex Py's murder, the head border

over Alex Py's murder the head border

patrol thug in Minnesota, Greg Bavino,

patrol thug in Minnesota Greg Bavino

has lost his job as commander at large.

has lost his job as commander at large

Yeah. [applause]

Yeah applause

Another reminder, Greg Bevino has been

Another reminder Greg Bevino has been

accused of using racial profiling to

round up Hispanic men, women, and

round up Hispanic men women and

children. created an enforcement

children created an enforcement

strategy where officers jump out of

unmarked rental vans to ambush immigrant

day laborers. And he admitted to lying

day laborers And he admitted to lying

to justify deploying tear gas against

protesters. As one source described his

protesters As one source described his

whole deal, he's a cowboy and it was a

whole deal he's a cowboy and it was a

mess. Yeah, just like the John Bonjovi

mess Yeah just like the John Bonjovi

song.

song

>> I'm a cowboy.

>> I'm a cowboy

That's why you're dead. But also

That's why you're dead But also

I tear gas your mind.

I tear gas your mind

>> The only downside to Bino getting yanked

from Minnesota is that yesterday we

wrote this whole script about how Bavino

who's been called little Napoleon is

short as hell. Now, I'll never get to

short as hell Now I'll never get to

talk about how he looks like a little

brother about to play paintball with the

sixth graders, [laughter]

sixth graders laughter

[applause]

applause

or how he can barely see over the

steering wheel, or the fact that he got

steering wheel or the fact that he got

his coat off an American Girl doll.

his coat off an American Girl doll

[laughter]

laughter

Now, [cheering] now Bavino is on his way

Now cheering now Bavino is on his way

back to California where he is expected

to retire or possibly go back to his

former job being the guy that you have

to be taller than to ride the log flume.

to be taller than to ride the log flume

[cheering] Yeah, commander at large.

cheering Yeah commander at large

Commander at large generous generous.

Commander at large generous generous

You could dunk on. It's not just Greg

You could dunk on It's not just Greg

Bevino in trouble because yesterday

Trump held a late night crisis talk with

Christine Gnome amid reports that her

job is at serious risk. Why is her hat

job is at serious risk Why is her hat

not big enough?

not big enough

I'm guessing Trump is coming down hard

on Gnome because she handled the

response to Alex Py's murder with all

the grace of a drunk Mr. Bean roller

the grace of a drunk Mr Bean roller

skating through a maternity ward.

skating through a maternity ward

Also, she has been one of Bino's biggest

Also she has been one of Bino's biggest

backers at DHS and Nome has been the

face of the administration's immigration

crackdown. That face brought to you by

crackdown That face brought to you by

Dr. Yanuz von Plumpenberg.

Dr Yanuz von Plumpenberg

You know his slogan, I've been to

You know his slogan I've been to

medical school on a boat.

medical school on a boat

All this stress can't be good for the

president's health. Rumors have been

president's health Rumors have been

swirling about all sorts of medical

issues with him. So, the White House uh

issues with him So the White House uh

recently agreed to a Trump interview

with New York Magazine titled at Steven

Miller's actual request, the superhuman

Miller's actual request the superhuman

president. Yes, superhuman. Look up in

president Yes superhuman Look up in

the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's

the sky It's a bird It's a plane It's

Epstein's plane. Remember how he said it

Epstein's plane Remember how he said it

was going to release the Epstein files?

was going to release the Epstein files

Where the

[applause]

applause

>> unfortunately the interview went

sideways almost immediately when Trump

said this about his father Fred. At a

said this about his father Fred At a

certain age about 86 87 he started

getting what do they call it? Trump

getting what do they call it Trump

pointed to his forehead and looked to

his press secretary for the word that

escaped him. To which she responded

escaped him To which she responded

Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's

[cheering]

cheering

Okay.

Okay

Not a great not a great sign there. And

Not a great not a great sign there And

I'm certainly not saying Donald Trump

has Alzheimer's, but I feel like he

has Alzheimer's but I feel like he

definitely has somers.

definitely has somers

The reporter

The reporter uh he he pressed Trump on

whether he worries about his family's

history of dementia. Trump played it

history of dementia Trump played it

cool saying, "I don't think about it at

cool saying I don't think about it at

all." You know why?

all You know why

Because you already forgot the question.

Because you already forgot the question

Is that why is that? [cheering]

Is that why is that cheering

[applause]

applause

After he was done defending his

questionable brain, he turned to his

questionable brain he turned to his

unrefrigerated hand.

unrefrigerated hand

Tropesman saying the bruise is from

shaking so many hands. And during the

shaking so many hands And during the

interview, he added a fun new twist,

interview he added a fun new twist

blaming women's fingernails and rings,

blaming women's fingernails and rings

including one particularly nasty slice

that came from a botched high five with

Attorney General Pam Bondi. That is

Attorney General Pam Bondi That is

dumb.

dumb

There's only one possible reason

someone's hands should leave you with

cuts. I was high-fiving this troubled

cuts I was high-fiving this troubled

young man named Edward. Real quiet

young man named Edward Real quiet

fella.

fella

Crazy hair, pale face, lives up on a

Crazy hair pale face lives up on a

hill, makes beautiful topiary art. I can

hill makes beautiful topiary art I can

see

I can see why Winona Ryder just loves

the fellow. [laughter]

the fellow laughter

Trump and his gaggle of sick offense

really uh tried to talk up his physical

fitness. For example, his former doctor,

fitness For example his former doctor

now Congressman Ronnie Jackson, told a

now Congressman Ronnie Jackson told a

story about seeing the president on a

treadmill, saying Trump was wearing gym

treadmill saying Trump was wearing gym

shorts and a t-shirt and quote, "He

shorts and a t-shirt and quote He

looked like an athlete for the record.

looked like an athlete for the record

But off the record, have you ever

But off the record have you ever

wondered what it would look like if you

watched a Clydeale decompose in a hefty

bag? [laughter]

bag laughter

Now, one thing, one thing paints a

Now one thing one thing paints a

picture. That paints a picture. One

picture That paints a picture One

thing that makes it hard to believe the

story that Donald Trump is the fittest

man ever to live is that he keeps

falling asleep in public. But Caroline

falling asleep in public But Caroline

Levit had an answer for that, too. When

Levit had an answer for that too When

the president rests his eyes, he's

the president rests his eyes he's

actually quote actively listening.

actually quote actively listening

Sure, that's super believable. Just like

Sure that's super believable Just like

that herbal tea mascot, the actively

that herbal tea mascot the actively

listening bear. [cheering and applause]

listening bear cheering and applause

He's totally alert.

He's totally alert

And definitely

[applause]

applause

he's he's definitely going to remember

to put out that fire. So, Trump has not

to put out that fire So Trump has not

had uh the best week. He's also facing a

had uh the best week He's also facing a

lawsuit claiming it's illegal for him to

build his big, beautiful ballroom. So

build his big beautiful ballroom So

this weekend, he posted all of the

this weekend he posted all of the

structural steel, windows, doors, AC,

structural steel windows doors AC

heating equipment, marble stone,

heating equipment marble stone

pre-cast concrete, bulletproof windows,

pre-cast concrete bulletproof windows

glass, anti- drone roofing, and much

glass anti drone roofing and much

more has been ordered or is ready to be.

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