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Welcome everybody around the world to
Welcome
everybody
around
the
world
to
the late show.
the
late
show
I'm your host Stephen Colbert and we have
I'm
your
host
Stephen
Colbert
and
we
have
Thunder. Is that Thunder?
Thunder
Is
that
Thunder
You know,
You
know
you know, I like I like I like to give
you
know
I
like
I
like
I
like
to
give
good news when we can give good news.
good
news
when
we
can
give
good
news
And I have some wonderful news for my
And
I
have
some
wonderful
news
for
my
MAGA viewers.
MAGA
viewers
The Trump golden cell phone has finally
The
Trump
golden
cell
phone
has
finally
arrived after a 9-month delay. Now, the
arrived
after
a
9-month
delay
Now
the
only the only Trump item more
only
the
only
Trump
item
more
disappointing after a 9-month wait was
disappointing
after
a
9-month
wait
was
Eric.
Eric
You know, you know, I've said a lot of
You
know
you
know
I've
said
a
lot
of
mean things about Eric over the years.
mean
things
about
Eric
over
the
years
As for the phone,
As
for
the
phone
As for the phone, let's be clear, this
As
for
the
phone
let's
be
clear
this
thing sucks.
thing
sucks
>> When they announced the phone last year,
>>
When
they
announced
the
phone
last
year
the Trumps promised it would be made in
the
Trumps
promised
it
would
be
made
in
the USA. But now that it's here, brace
the
USA
But
now
that
it's
here
brace
yourself.
yourself
It is no longer made in the USA. The
It
is
no
longer
made
in
the
USA
The
website now just says designed with
website
now
just
says
designed
with
American values in mind. Oh, that's
American
values
in
mind
Oh
that's
fine. That's CL. No.
fine
That's
CL
No
Hey. Hey, that's close enough. Okay.
Hey
Hey
that's
close
enough
Okay
It's just like Arby's slogan. We have
It's
just
like
Arby's
slogan
We
have
the meats in mind.
the
meats
in
mind
Yesterday, just yesterday. Yesterday,
Yesterday
just
yesterday
Yesterday
Trump took a break from profiting off
Trump
took
a
break
from
profiting
off
the presidency to speak at the annual
the
presidency
to
speak
at
the
annual
congressional picnic and he gave this
congressional
picnic
and
he
gave
this
update on the war in Iran.
update
on
the
war
in
Iran
>> We're going to end that war very
>>
We're
going
to
end
that
war
very
quickly. It's going to happen and it's
quickly
It's
going
to
happen
and
it's
going to happen fast. Is it
going
to
happen
fast
Is
it
>> because this is what you said at the
>>
because
this
is
what
you
said
at
the
beginning of March.
beginning
of
March
>> Are you thinking this week it will be
>>
Are
you
thinking
this
week
it
will
be
over talking days?
over
talking
days
>> I think so.
>>
I
think
so
>> Okay. And and with respect to
>>
Okay
And
and
with
respect
to
>> very soon that it's going to be finished
>>
very
soon
that
it's
going
to
be
finished
pretty quickly.
pretty
quickly
>> And this is what you said at the
>>
And
this
is
what
you
said
at
the
beginning of April.
beginning
of
April
>> Going to finish it very fast. I view it
>>
Going
to
finish
it
very
fast
I
view
it
as very close to over.
as
very
close
to
over
>> And this is what you said at the
>>
And
this
is
what
you
said
at
the
beginning of May.
beginning
of
May
>> You have a lion, a bear, an alligator,
>>
You
have
a
lion
a
bear
an
alligator
and a what's another good? A squirrel.
and
a
what's
another
good
A
squirrel
Okay. Which is the squirrel?
Okay
Which
is
the
squirrel
I think the squirrel is the one
I
think
the
squirrel
is
the
one
presently in control of the straight of
presently
in
control
of
the
straight
of
Hormuz.
Hormuz
Trump.
Trump
Trump.
Trump
Trump also took a moment at the at the
Trump
also
took
a
moment
at
the
at
the
occasion there to shout out Melania.
occasion
there
to
shout
out
Melania
>> We're truly blessed to have such a first
>>
We're
truly
blessed
to
have
such
a
first
lady. She's been uh so popular. She did
lady
She's
been
uh
so
popular
She
did
a movie. it became number one. She then
a
movie
it
became
number
one
She
then
went to streaming, it became number one.
went
to
streaming
it
became
number
one
And uh, I said, "There's only room,
And
uh
I
said
There's
only
room
remember this, for one star in a
remember
this
for
one
star
in
a
family." So I better get rid of that.
family
So
I
better
get
rid
of
that
That's not. That's not so good.
That's
not
That's
not
so
good
>> Better get rid of that. It was a pretty
>>
Better
get
rid
of
that
It
was
a
pretty
weird thing to say to your wife, but at
weird
thing
to
say
to
your
wife
but
at
least he's finally got a use for that
least
he's
finally
got
a
use
for
that
greeting card. Roses are red. I love a
greeting
card
Roses
are
red
I
love
a
Gardinia. Time for you to go back to
Gardinia
Time
for
you
to
go
back
to
Slovenia.
Slovenia
next month. There you go.
next
month
There
you
go
Looks out. After tonight, we have only
Looks
out
After
tonight
we
have
only
one more show left and it is our
one
more
show
left
and
it
is
our
Oh, but let's have But let's have fun
Oh
but
let's
have
But
let's
have
fun
now, shall we?
now
shall
we
>> That's what we're here for.
>>
That's
what
we're
here
for
And as such, we know our jobs. It's our
And
as
such
we
know
our
jobs
It's
our
duty to focus on the issues that matter
duty
to
focus
on
the
issues
that
matter
to Americans most. namely that the TSA
to
Americans
most
namely
that
the
TSA
has announced a carry-on rule that
has
announced
a
carry-on
rule
that
allows passengers to bring unlimited
allows
passengers
to
bring
unlimited
rotisserie chicken on board. Thank god
rotisserie
chicken
on
board
Thank
god
that is so great. I was getting tired of
that
is
so
great
I
was
getting
tired
of
having to chug my chicken in line.
having
to
chug
my
chicken
in
line
TSA made the announcement via tweet.
TSA
made
the
announcement
via
tweet
Protein shakes 3.4 ounce or less, but
Protein
shakes
34
ounce
or
less
but
rotisserie chickens as many as you can
rotisserie
chickens
as
many
as
you
can
fit in your carry-on.
fit
in
your
carry-on
You know what? You know what, y'all?
You
know
what
You
know
what
y'all
What?
What
>> Old Steve would have hated this.
>>
Old
Steve
would
have
hated
this
But final week, Steve, I love this for
But
final
week
Steve
I
love
this
for
us.
us
>> Okay, come on.
>>
Okay
come
on
>> I mean, let it all at this point.
>>
I
mean
let
it
all
at
this
point
>> Let it all hang out.
>>
Let
it
all
hang
out
>> What does it matter
>>
What
does
it
matter
everything? Stop trying. Stop trying to
everything
Stop
trying
Stop
trying
to
make flying better. Okay, let's be
make
flying
better
Okay
let's
be
disgusting. Bring your chickens. Go
disgusting
Bring
your
chickens
Go
barefoot. Forget crying babies. I'm
barefoot
Forget
crying
babies
I'm
going to scream all the way to
going
to
scream
all
the
way
to
Cleveland.
Cleveland
Why?
Why
Why? Same reason as the baby. Having a
Why
Same
reason
as
the
baby
Having
a
body is weird and I'm scared.
body
is
weird
and
I'm
scared
Now,
Now
ladies and gentlemen,
ladies
and
gentlemen
yeah.
yeah
Oh yes.
Oh
yes
Ladies and gentlemen, if you, much like
Ladies
and
gentlemen
if
you
much
like
the FCC, have been paying close
the
FCC
have
been
paying
close
attention to my show, then you know
attention
to
my
show
then
you
know
we've been auctioning off all kinds of
we've
been
auctioning
off
all
kinds
of
great Late Show memorabilia and selling
great
Late
Show
memorabilia
and
selling
commemorative The Last Show t-shirts,
commemorative
The
Last
Show
t-shirts
all to raise money for the international
all
to
raise
money
for
the
international
aid organization, World Central Kitchen.
aid
organization
World
Central
Kitchen
And I'm excited to say that we got a
And
I'm
excited
to
say
that
we
got
a
great response on all of our auctions.
great
response
on
all
of
our
auctions
And here to accept our donation is the
And
here
to
accept
our
donation
is
the
founder of World Central Kitchen. Please
founder
of
World
Central
Kitchen
Please
welcome Chef Jose Andre, everybody.
welcome
Chef
Jose
Andre
everybody
Oh,
Oh
right here, baby. Jose Andre,
right
here
baby
Jose
Andre
>> good to see you. Now, Jose,
>>
good
to
see
you
Now
Jose
>> Stephen, Stephen Colber, you and your
>>
Stephen
Stephen
Colber
you
and
your
team. Thank you on behalf of everybody
team
Thank
you
on
behalf
of
everybody
at World Central Kitchen and Beyond
at
World
Central
Kitchen
and
Beyond
because you raised over the last decade
because
you
raised
over
the
last
decade
and more so much money for us that help
and
more
so
much
money
for
us
that
help
us do what we do. But you did so much
us
do
what
we
do
But
you
did
so
much
more.
more
>> You you gave us hope not only to the men
>>
You
you
gave
us
hope
not
only
to
the
men
and women of World Central Kitchen, but
and
women
of
World
Central
Kitchen
but
the people that World Central Kitchen
the
people
that
World
Central
Kitchen
was helping from Ukraine to Gaza, from
was
helping
from
Ukraine
to
Gaza
from
North Carolina to Puerto Rico. And
North
Carolina
to
Puerto
Rico
And
Stephen Colbert was there.
Stephen
Colbert
was
there
>> No, because you were there. Because you
>>
No
because
you
were
there
Because
you
were there, Jose. Thank you. and Jose,
were
there
Jose
Thank
you
and
Jose
we want to give you our donation on, you
we
want
to
give
you
our
donation
on
you
know, one of those giant checks, but
know
one
of
those
giant
checks
but
it's hard to find a bank that will cash
it's
hard
to
find
a
bank
that
will
cash
one of those. So, instead, we have
one
of
those
So
instead
we
have
decided to present our donation tonight
decided
to
present
our
donation
tonight
on the world's smallest check.
on
the
world's
smallest
check
Okay? And it's too small to read
Okay
And
it's
too
small
to
read
anything on the check. So, I will
anything
on
the
check
So
I
will
instead now slip it underneath a
instead
now
slip
it
underneath
a
microscope.
microscope
>> All right. That's really small.
>>
All
right
That's
really
small
>> Real check. Okay. Joe, could I have a
>>
Real
check
Okay
Joe
could
I
have
a
tiny drum roll, please?
tiny
drum
roll
please
And the total is
And
the
total
is
2,497,444.15.
249744415
Jose,
Jose
Jose, thank you so much.
Jose
thank
you
so
much
Thank you. No, no, no. Thank you to
Thank
you
No
no
no
Thank
you
to
everyone. Thank you to everyone who
everyone
Thank
you
to
everyone
who
contributed. And Jose, thank you to
contributed
And
Jose
thank
you
to
everyone, you and everyone at World
everyone
you
and
everyone
at
World
Central Kitchen for the work you do
Central
Kitchen
for
the
work
you
do
around the world bringing people hope.
around
the
world
bringing
people
hope
And uh try not to lose this. Um I tell
And
uh
try
not
to
lose
this
Um
I
tell
you, I'll put it in an envelope for you.
you
I'll
put
it
in
an
envelope
for
you
There you go.
There
you
go
>> Hey
>>
Hey
people of America,
people
of
America
please.
please
Andre, everybody, we got a great show
Andre
everybody
we
got
a
great
show
for you tonight with some very special
for
you
tonight
with
some
very
special
guests. Stick around.
guests
Stick
around
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