Watch and Learn - it will be ok

two days ago i had

a pretty bad

panic attack for the first time in

probably two years i haven't had a panic

attack in a really long time

and

I mean I forgot how

[__] bad

panic attacks are. I didn't feel like I

was living in my own body. Like I felt

like I was just watching myself exist

but I wasn't connected with reality and

I wasn't connected with my body in my

mind and I felt like I was just

existing in like a haze. It's so hard

to explain, but I just, I didn't feel

like I was

in my body. I felt like I was dreaming

I didn't feel like reality was real. It

was like this. I, I wish I could explain

it.

I was going to say I wish you could feel

it, but I actually really wish you, I hope

you never feel that feeling, because it

was really, really terrifying for me. I

felt that feeling for, you know, a few

days after the panic attack. I thought

there was something.

you know, severely wrong with me and

wrong with my brain.

Um, and that was creating more anxiety

for me, because, you know, I would like

become aware that I was feeling weird

and, you know, was feeling

not.

right in my brain, and then that would

create more anxiety, which would make the

problem worse, and would make me feel

even more disassociated, and even more

removed from my mind and body, and it

just kept getting worse, and it was this

terrible cycle. I think that

struggles and ups and downs

with your mental state are a lot more

common and a lot more frequent than I

think that people want to talk about.

Because I swear to God, like I'm having

some sort of, like

crazy, like spiral, you know, once every

month.

Right, sometimes more than that, but you

know, like I'm feeling better now, and I

have to get back to my life at some

point. I can't just keep lying in bed

You know, I've been in bed for quite a

few days. I haven't washed my hair. It's

looking a little bit like that, you know

what I mean. I haven't been cooking

I haven't been cleaning

You know,

Uh, things are kind of out of control

So, you know, it's time to get back

It's time to

get back to my life now.

[Music]

So,

Tomorrow night I'm going to a dinner

party.

which is a very LA thing

to do, but I don't ever go to dinner

parties. Like I can't remember the last

time I went to a dinner party. I'm

actually kind of excited. I'm going to a

fitting right now to get my outfit all

picked out.

You know, I'm going to get all dressed up

for

it. I'm kind of excited. It's not like a

dinner party where it's like, you know,

like friends or something. It's like a

dinner party, like

it's kind of more of an event. I'm not

gonna lie. Like I am a little bit anxious

about

Uh, going to a dinner party, uh, after my

little emotional episode. But I, I think

that this is exactly what I need. This is

exactly what the doctor ordered, like

it's good for me to get back into [__]

you know what I mean

And it's like an excuse to wear a fancy

little outfit.

And that's cute. That's fun.

[Music]

Am I using a cat bowl

for my soy sauce? Yes.

But it's clean.

And it's the perfect size. It's 3:30 in

the afternoon, and it looks like 7 p.m.

outside, and I know it's like

Stop talking about daylight saving time

Stop talking about the

time.

Here's the thing:

When the time changes and it starts to

become winter,

and it starts to get

dark at like 3 p.m.

It's jarring, and it's upsetting. Once it

gets dark outside, I don't do anything.

Like my body shuts down, and my mind

shuts down.

And I just

have to lie in bed for the rest of the day.

So,

It's 3:30, but I'm winding down, you know

Recently, I've been feeling like this

weird sensation.

Where, like, I just have nothing to say

Which is so weird because my whole life

all, all I've

wanted to do is just talk.

I've always been such a talker, you know

Like, growing up, everybody was always

like Emma never shuts up.

As I'm growing up, I'm starting to

just have less desire to talk. I, I can't

just like talk out of my ass like I used

to.

I used to never let there be a moment of

silence in a conversation, and now, like

if there's a moment of silence in a

conversation, so be it, you know.

I let it be.

And sometimes I wonder if that makes me

boring.

You know, like, am I becoming boring

because I don't have anything to say

like I used to?

I don't know. Maybe I've just spent so

many years

talking so much that I just, like, wore

myself out.

You know, and now I just don't have

anything to say anymore.

That could be.

Yeah, I don't know.

Ah.

The dinner party was last night. It went

really well. The only documentation of

the night that I got was this photo of

me in the car on the way to the event,

checking my makeup with flash.

And it does. It's not

my favorite photo of myself, but hey,

I was in bed by 10:30 p.m.

It was great. You know, I was sleeping by

11 p.m.

That's all I got.

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