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Welcome, welcome one and all to the late
Welcome
welcome
one
and
all
to
the
late
show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbear.
show
I'm
your
host
Stephen
Colbear
And tonight, [cheering]
And
tonight
cheering
tonight, I want to take all that energy
tonight
I
want
to
take
all
that
energy
and I want I want I want to I'm going to
and
I
want
I
want
I
want
to
I'm
going
to
use it to to to offer another salute to
use
it
to
to
to
offer
another
salute
to
the people of Minnesota.
the
people
of
Minnesota
>> Yeah.
>>
Yeah
>> Who have stood up for each other
>>
Who
have
stood
up
for
each
other
[cheering] in beautiful ways.
cheering
in
beautiful
ways
>> These people have beautifully stood up
>>
These
people
have
beautifully
stood
up
for each other in the midst of the
for
each
other
in
the
midst
of
the
violence and fear-mongering of this
violence
and
fear-mongering
of
this
administration. And today, Minnesota
administration
And
today
Minnesota
officials announced that Trump is
officials
announced
that
Trump
is
withdrawing federal officers from
withdrawing
federal
officers
from
Minnesota. [cheering]
Minnesota
cheering
We don't know how many. [applause]
We
don't
know
how
many
applause
We don't know when. We don't know how
We
don't
know
when
We
don't
know
how
many, but I'm told we already have
many
but
I'm
told
we
already
have
footage of one federal officer standing
footage
of
one
federal
officer
standing
down.
down
[applause]
applause
>> I I will never pass up an opportunity to
>>
I
I
will
never
pass
up
an
opportunity
to
show that footage. Apparently, Trump
show
that
footage
Apparently
Trump
learned that violent mass goons are not
learned
that
violent
mass
goons
are
not
crowd-pleasers, and he learned that from
crowd-pleasers
and
he
learned
that
from
his most trusted adviser, the TV.
his
most
trusted
adviser
the
TV
Reportedly, over the weekend, working
Reportedly
over
the
weekend
working
from the Oval Office, Trump watched as
from
the
Oval
Office
Trump
watched
as
footage of the shooting of Alex Prey
footage
of
the
shooting
of
Alex
Prey
played on repeat from Minneapolis. As
played
on
repeat
from
Minneapolis
As
one insider described the situation,
one
insider
described
the
situation
it's and pus knew he needed to un it.
it's
and
pus
knew
he
needed
to
un
it
[cheering]
cheering
And Trump knows better than anybody if
And
Trump
knows
better
than
anybody
if
you don't un quick enough you could end
you
don't
un
quick
enough
you
could
end
up with an Eric. So [cheering]
up
with
an
Eric
So
cheering
his big move big move I'm sorry
his
big
move
big
move
I'm
sorry
[applause]
applause
I'm sorry to use bad words like Eric.
I'm
sorry
to
use
bad
words
like
Eric
His big move his big move in beginning
His
big
move
his
big
move
in
beginning
the uning of sending in Trump's border
the
uning
of
sending
in
Trump's
border
and love child of Shrek and Mrs. Potato
and
love
child
of
Shrek
and
Mrs
Potato
Head Tom Holman. [cheering]
Head
Tom
Holman
cheering
Just just to refresh your memory though,
Just
just
to
refresh
your
memory
though
it sounds like I don't need to. Uh Tom
it
sounds
like
I
don't
need
to
Uh
Tom
Holman is not cool. He was the architect
Holman
is
not
cool
He
was
the
architect
of Trump's family separation policy. And
of
Trump's
family
separation
policy
And
in 2024, he allegedly accepted $50,000
in
2024
he
allegedly
accepted
50000
from an undercover FBI agents that was
from
an
undercover
FBI
agents
that
was
hidden in a bag from the Mediterranean
hidden
in
a
bag
from
the
Mediterranean
fast casual restaurant Cava.
fast
casual
restaurant
Cava
So downside,
So
downside
terrorizing families and maybe taking
terrorizing
families
and
maybe
taking
bribes. upside. He brought hummus.
bribes
upside
He
brought
hummus
Now that Homeman uh Now that Homeman's
Now
that
Homeman
uh
Now
that
Homeman's
in, the old guard is out because
in
the
old
guard
is
out
because
reportedly in response to the outrage
reportedly
in
response
to
the
outrage
over Alex Py's murder, the head border
over
Alex
Py's
murder
the
head
border
patrol thug in Minnesota, Greg Bavino,
patrol
thug
in
Minnesota
Greg
Bavino
has lost his job as commander at large.
has
lost
his
job
as
commander
at
large
Yeah. [applause]
Yeah
applause
Another reminder, Greg Bevino has been
Another
reminder
Greg
Bevino
has
been
accused of using racial profiling to
accused
of
using
racial
profiling
to
round up Hispanic men, women, and
round
up
Hispanic
men
women
and
children. created an enforcement
children
created
an
enforcement
strategy where officers jump out of
strategy
where
officers
jump
out
of
unmarked rental vans to ambush immigrant
unmarked
rental
vans
to
ambush
immigrant
day laborers. And he admitted to lying
day
laborers
And
he
admitted
to
lying
to justify deploying tear gas against
to
justify
deploying
tear
gas
against
protesters. As one source described his
protesters
As
one
source
described
his
whole deal, he's a cowboy and it was a
whole
deal
he's
a
cowboy
and
it
was
a
mess. Yeah, just like the John Bonjovi
mess
Yeah
just
like
the
John
Bonjovi
song.
song
>> I'm a cowboy.
>>
I'm
a
cowboy
That's why you're dead. But also
That's
why
you're
dead
But
also
I tear gas your mind.
I
tear
gas
your
mind
>> The only downside to Bino getting yanked
>>
The
only
downside
to
Bino
getting
yanked
from Minnesota is that yesterday we
from
Minnesota
is
that
yesterday
we
wrote this whole script about how Bavino
wrote
this
whole
script
about
how
Bavino
who's been called little Napoleon is
who's
been
called
little
Napoleon
is
short as hell. Now, I'll never get to
short
as
hell
Now
I'll
never
get
to
talk about how he looks like a little
talk
about
how
he
looks
like
a
little
brother about to play paintball with the
brother
about
to
play
paintball
with
the
sixth graders, [laughter]
sixth
graders
laughter
[applause]
applause
or how he can barely see over the
or
how
he
can
barely
see
over
the
steering wheel, or the fact that he got
steering
wheel
or
the
fact
that
he
got
his coat off an American Girl doll.
his
coat
off
an
American
Girl
doll
[laughter]
laughter
Now, [cheering] now Bavino is on his way
Now
cheering
now
Bavino
is
on
his
way
back to California where he is expected
back
to
California
where
he
is
expected
to retire or possibly go back to his
to
retire
or
possibly
go
back
to
his
former job being the guy that you have
former
job
being
the
guy
that
you
have
to be taller than to ride the log flume.
to
be
taller
than
to
ride
the
log
flume
[cheering] Yeah, commander at large.
cheering
Yeah
commander
at
large
Commander at large generous generous.
Commander
at
large
generous
generous
You could dunk on. It's not just Greg
You
could
dunk
on
It's
not
just
Greg
Bevino in trouble because yesterday
Bevino
in
trouble
because
yesterday
Trump held a late night crisis talk with
Trump
held
a
late
night
crisis
talk
with
Christine Gnome amid reports that her
Christine
Gnome
amid
reports
that
her
job is at serious risk. Why is her hat
job
is
at
serious
risk
Why
is
her
hat
not big enough?
not
big
enough
I'm guessing Trump is coming down hard
I'm
guessing
Trump
is
coming
down
hard
on Gnome because she handled the
on
Gnome
because
she
handled
the
response to Alex Py's murder with all
response
to
Alex
Py's
murder
with
all
the grace of a drunk Mr. Bean roller
the
grace
of
a
drunk
Mr
Bean
roller
skating through a maternity ward.
skating
through
a
maternity
ward
Also, she has been one of Bino's biggest
Also
she
has
been
one
of
Bino's
biggest
backers at DHS and Nome has been the
backers
at
DHS
and
Nome
has
been
the
face of the administration's immigration
face
of
the
administration's
immigration
crackdown. That face brought to you by
crackdown
That
face
brought
to
you
by
Dr. Yanuz von Plumpenberg.
Dr
Yanuz
von
Plumpenberg
You know his slogan, I've been to
You
know
his
slogan
I've
been
to
medical school on a boat.
medical
school
on
a
boat
All this stress can't be good for the
All
this
stress
can't
be
good
for
the
president's health. Rumors have been
president's
health
Rumors
have
been
swirling about all sorts of medical
swirling
about
all
sorts
of
medical
issues with him. So, the White House uh
issues
with
him
So
the
White
House
uh
recently agreed to a Trump interview
recently
agreed
to
a
Trump
interview
with New York Magazine titled at Steven
with
New
York
Magazine
titled
at
Steven
Miller's actual request, the superhuman
Miller's
actual
request
the
superhuman
president. Yes, superhuman. Look up in
president
Yes
superhuman
Look
up
in
the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's
the
sky
It's
a
bird
It's
a
plane
It's
Epstein's plane. Remember how he said it
Epstein's
plane
Remember
how
he
said
it
was going to release the Epstein files?
was
going
to
release
the
Epstein
files
Where the
Where
the
[applause]
applause
>> unfortunately the interview went
>>
unfortunately
the
interview
went
sideways almost immediately when Trump
sideways
almost
immediately
when
Trump
said this about his father Fred. At a
said
this
about
his
father
Fred
At
a
certain age about 86 87 he started
certain
age
about
86
87
he
started
getting what do they call it? Trump
getting
what
do
they
call
it
Trump
pointed to his forehead and looked to
pointed
to
his
forehead
and
looked
to
his press secretary for the word that
his
press
secretary
for
the
word
that
escaped him. To which she responded
escaped
him
To
which
she
responded
Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's
[cheering]
cheering
Okay.
Okay
Not a great not a great sign there. And
Not
a
great
not
a
great
sign
there
And
I'm certainly not saying Donald Trump
I'm
certainly
not
saying
Donald
Trump
has Alzheimer's, but I feel like he
has
Alzheimer's
but
I
feel
like
he
definitely has somers.
definitely
has
somers
The reporter
The
reporter
The reporter uh he he pressed Trump on
The
reporter
uh
he
he
pressed
Trump
on
whether he worries about his family's
whether
he
worries
about
his
family's
history of dementia. Trump played it
history
of
dementia
Trump
played
it
cool saying, "I don't think about it at
cool
saying
I
don't
think
about
it
at
all." You know why?
all
You
know
why
Because you already forgot the question.
Because
you
already
forgot
the
question
Is that why is that? [cheering]
Is
that
why
is
that
cheering
[applause]
applause
After he was done defending his
After
he
was
done
defending
his
questionable brain, he turned to his
questionable
brain
he
turned
to
his
unrefrigerated hand.
unrefrigerated
hand
Tropesman saying the bruise is from
Tropesman
saying
the
bruise
is
from
shaking so many hands. And during the
shaking
so
many
hands
And
during
the
interview, he added a fun new twist,
interview
he
added
a
fun
new
twist
blaming women's fingernails and rings,
blaming
women's
fingernails
and
rings
including one particularly nasty slice
including
one
particularly
nasty
slice
that came from a botched high five with
that
came
from
a
botched
high
five
with
Attorney General Pam Bondi. That is
Attorney
General
Pam
Bondi
That
is
dumb.
dumb
There's only one possible reason
There's
only
one
possible
reason
someone's hands should leave you with
someone's
hands
should
leave
you
with
cuts. I was high-fiving this troubled
cuts
I
was
high-fiving
this
troubled
young man named Edward. Real quiet
young
man
named
Edward
Real
quiet
fella.
fella
Crazy hair, pale face, lives up on a
Crazy
hair
pale
face
lives
up
on
a
hill, makes beautiful topiary art. I can
hill
makes
beautiful
topiary
art
I
can
see
see
I can see why Winona Ryder just loves
I
can
see
why
Winona
Ryder
just
loves
the fellow. [laughter]
the
fellow
laughter
Trump and his gaggle of sick offense
Trump
and
his
gaggle
of
sick
offense
really uh tried to talk up his physical
really
uh
tried
to
talk
up
his
physical
fitness. For example, his former doctor,
fitness
For
example
his
former
doctor
now Congressman Ronnie Jackson, told a
now
Congressman
Ronnie
Jackson
told
a
story about seeing the president on a
story
about
seeing
the
president
on
a
treadmill, saying Trump was wearing gym
treadmill
saying
Trump
was
wearing
gym
shorts and a t-shirt and quote, "He
shorts
and
a
t-shirt
and
quote
He
looked like an athlete for the record.
looked
like
an
athlete
for
the
record
But off the record, have you ever
But
off
the
record
have
you
ever
wondered what it would look like if you
wondered
what
it
would
look
like
if
you
watched a Clydeale decompose in a hefty
watched
a
Clydeale
decompose
in
a
hefty
bag? [laughter]
bag
laughter
Now, one thing, one thing paints a
Now
one
thing
one
thing
paints
a
picture. That paints a picture. One
picture
That
paints
a
picture
One
thing that makes it hard to believe the
thing
that
makes
it
hard
to
believe
the
story that Donald Trump is the fittest
story
that
Donald
Trump
is
the
fittest
man ever to live is that he keeps
man
ever
to
live
is
that
he
keeps
falling asleep in public. But Caroline
falling
asleep
in
public
But
Caroline
Levit had an answer for that, too. When
Levit
had
an
answer
for
that
too
When
the president rests his eyes, he's
the
president
rests
his
eyes
he's
actually quote actively listening.
actually
quote
actively
listening
Sure, that's super believable. Just like
Sure
that's
super
believable
Just
like
that herbal tea mascot, the actively
that
herbal
tea
mascot
the
actively
listening bear. [cheering and applause]
listening
bear
cheering
and
applause
He's totally alert.
He's
totally
alert
And definitely
And
definitely
[applause]
applause
he's he's definitely going to remember
he's
he's
definitely
going
to
remember
to put out that fire. So, Trump has not
to
put
out
that
fire
So
Trump
has
not
had uh the best week. He's also facing a
had
uh
the
best
week
He's
also
facing
a
lawsuit claiming it's illegal for him to
lawsuit
claiming
it's
illegal
for
him
to
build his big, beautiful ballroom. So
build
his
big
beautiful
ballroom
So
this weekend, he posted all of the
this
weekend
he
posted
all
of
the
structural steel, windows, doors, AC,
structural
steel
windows
doors
AC
heating equipment, marble stone,
heating
equipment
marble
stone
pre-cast concrete, bulletproof windows,
pre-cast
concrete
bulletproof
windows
glass, anti- drone roofing, and much
glass
anti
drone
roofing
and
much
more has been ordered or is ready to be.
more
has
been
ordered
or
is
ready
to
be
And there's no practical or reasonable
And
there's
no
practical
or
reasonable
way to go back. It's too late. Adding
way
to
go
back
It's
too
late
Adding
stoppage of construction at this late
stoppage
of
construction
at
this
late
date when so much has already been
date
when
so
much
has
already
been
ordered and done would be devastating to
ordered
and
done
would
be
devastating
to
the White House, our country, and all
the
White
House
our
country
and
all
concerned.
concerned
That's right.
That's
right
Yes, it is sad. Yes, it's devastating to
Yes
it
is
sad
Yes
it's
devastating
to
all concerned. Mother, mother, why are
all
concerned
Mother
mother
why
are
you crying? Oh, sweet child. [laughter]
you
crying
Oh
sweet
child
laughter
There's been a construction stoppage on
There's
been
a
construction
stoppage
on
the president's golden brunch venue.
the
president's
golden
brunch
venue
Fetch me my shawl, fill my pockets with
Fetch
me
my
shawl
fill
my
pockets
with
stones, and roll me into the river.
stones
and
roll
me
into
the
river
[laughter]
laughter
Thank you. I was just Thank you. I'm an
Thank
you
I
was
just
Thank
you
I'm
an
actor. I'm really an actor.
actor
I'm
really
an
actor
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
This is just This is just a gig for a
This
is
just
This
is
just
a
gig
for
a
for a decade.
for
a
decade
[applause] Hi, Carly.
applause
Hi
Carly
Other members of the Trump family aren't
Other
members
of
the
Trump
family
aren't
doing much better. The new Melania
doing
much
better
The
new
Melania
documentary hits theaters on Friday.
documentary
hits
theaters
on
Friday
It's a uh it's a Oh, no. No. It looks
It's
a
uh
it's
a
Oh
no
No
It
looks
fantastic. It's a real peak behind the
fantastic
It's
a
real
peak
behind
the
curtain at a woman picking out curtains.
curtain
at
a
woman
picking
out
curtains
She
She
uh today, was it today she did this?
uh
today
was
it
today
she
did
this
Today she went on the Fox and Friends to
Today
she
went
on
the
Fox
and
Friends
to
hype it up.
hype
it
up
>> This story was never told before. So the
>>
This
story
was
never
told
before
So
the
audience will see me, how I manage my
audience
will
see
me
how
I
manage
my
business, uh my philanthropy,
business
uh
my
philanthropy
family, uh preparation for the
family
uh
preparation
for
the
inauguration and also establishing the
inauguration
and
also
establishing
the
east wing uh for the White House.
east
wing
uh
for
the
White
House
>> Madame First Lady, I I have some
>>
Madame
First
Lady
I
I
have
some
terrible news.
terrible
news
Let's just say the East Wing no longer
Let's
just
say
the
East
Wing
no
longer
be best
be
best
or
or
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
or be there.
or
be
there
Amazon bribed a whopping $40 million for
Amazon
bribed
a
whopping
40
million
for
the movie and an additional $35 million
the
movie
and
an
additional
35
million
for marketing, promotion, and
for
marketing
promotion
and
distribution. So big box office, right?
distribution
So
big
box
office
right
Wrong. Social media has been flooded
Wrong
Social
media
has
been
flooded
with images of theaters in major cities
with
images
of
theaters
in
major
cities
that haven't sold a single seat.
that
haven't
sold
a
single
seat
and [cheering]
and
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> and estimates are that this $75 million
>>
and
estimates
are
that
this
75
million
movie would make only one or two million
movie
would
make
only
one
or
two
million
in its opening weekend.
in
its
opening
weekend
>> Now, usually to see Trump bomb this
>>
Now
usually
to
see
Trump
bomb
this
hard, you'd have to be on a Venezuelan
hard
you'd
have
to
be
on
a
Venezuelan
fishing boat.
fishing
boat
We checked. I know. We checked.
We
checked
I
know
We
checked
And here in New York City, where Melania
And
here
in
New
York
City
where
Melania
lived and worked and socialized for
lived
and
worked
and
socialized
for
decades, in Trump's hometown, on
decades
in
Trump's
hometown
on
Saturday night of opening weekend at the
Saturday
night
of
opening
weekend
at
the
Regal and AMC Times Square cinemas,
Regal
and
AMC
Times
Square
cinemas
there are two 7:30 showings with exactly
there
are
two
7:30
showings
with
exactly
zero tickets purchased.
zero
tickets
purchased
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> That's the crossroads of the world. It's
>>
That's
the
crossroads
of
the
world
It's
literally the busiest blocks on the
literally
the
busiest
blocks
on
the
planet. Zero tickets sold at the AMC.
planet
Zero
tickets
sold
at
the
AMC
That must be heartbreaking for the first
That
must
be
heartbreaking
for
the
first
lady. But on the plus side,
lady
But
on
the
plus
side
>> hot break feels good in a place like
>>
hot
break
feels
good
in
a
place
like
this.
this
>> We got a great show for you tonight.
>>
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
[music]
music
My guest is Sam Rockwell and the author
My
guest
is
Sam
Rockwell
and
the
author
George Saunders. [cheering] But when we
George
Saunders
cheering
But
when
we
come back, winter is here. What does it
come
back
winter
is
here
What
does
it
say? [music]
say
music
Stick around and find out.
Stick
around
and
find
out
>> [music]
>>
music
[music]
music
>> Yeah. [cheering]
>>
Yeah
cheering
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