Watch and Learn - ICE Outrage Goes Viral | White House Blame Game | Ilhan Omar: Tough Under Pressure

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Welcome one and all in here, out there,

Welcome one and all in here out there

all around the world to the Late Show.

all around the world to the Late Show

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies

I'm your host Stephen Colbert Ladies

[cheering] and gentlemen,

cheering and gentlemen

I don't have to tell any of you. It's

I don't have to tell any of you It's

been a hell of a week.

been a hell of a week

I'm sorry, I read that wrong. It's been.

I'm sorry I read that wrong It's been

hell. Um, right now, Minnesotans are still

hell Um right now Minnesotans are still

being terrorized by Trump's goons, and

being terrorized by Trump's goons and

it's not entirely clear.

it's not entirely clear

It's not entirely clear when it will

end. In the wake of two murders by

end In the wake of two murders by

anti-immigration agents, Trump has

anti-immigration agents Trump has

removed Border Patrol commander Raul

Bavino, seen here embodying Coco

Bavino seen here embodying Coco

Chanel's famous motto, "I love Nazis."

Chanel's famous motto I love Nazis

Bavino

has been replaced in Minnesota by

border's and happiest meatball in the

steam tray.

steam tray

Tom Homan. That's all we know. It's too

Tom Homan That's all we know It's too

early to know if Trump is actually

trying to deescalate the violence or

just rearranging the douchebags on the

Titanic

[applause] right now. So far, so far

applause right now So far so far

from what we can tell, [cheering] it

from what we can tell cheering it

looks a little bit it looks a little bit

like option B because this morning Trump

posted, "Surprisingly, Mayor Jacob Frey

posted Surprisingly Mayor Jacob Frey

has just stated that Minneapolis does

not and will not enforce federal

immigration laws." This is after having

immigration laws This is after having

had a very good conversation with him.

had a very good conversation with him

Could somebody please explain that he is

playing with fire?

playing with fire

I had a very good conversation. No,

I had a very good conversation No

folks, I had a very good conversation

folks I had a very good conversation

with Mayor Frey. Just had a great

with Mayor Frey Just had a great

relationship with his uncle, Mayor

relationship with his uncle Mayor

McCheese."

McCheese

[laughter]

laughter

But now, folks, now Mayor Fry is playing

But now folks now Mayor Fry is playing

with fire when he should be playing in

the fryer. [laughter]

the fryer laughter

The administration is feeling the heat

because Americans are outraged. Anti-CE

because Americans are outraged Anti-CE

sentiment is everywhere. In fact, this

sentiment is everywhere In fact this

weekend on Instagram, Reddit, Tik Tok,

weekend on Instagram Reddit Tik Tok

and YouTube, posts critical of ICE went

and YouTube posts critical of ICE went

viral, even in a-political online

viral even in a-political online

spaces. For example, on one subreddit

spaces For example on one subreddit

for playfully patting your cat like

you're playing the bongos, the moderator

you're playing the bongos the moderator

got a record number of up votes after

posting, quote, "If you still support

posting quote If you still support

Trump ICE, even slightly, you're not

Trump ICE even slightly you're not

welcome in this sub.

welcome in this sub

[cheering]

cheering

You hear that? Do you get that? Do you

You hear that Do you get that Do you

understand [cheering] that? [applause]

understand cheering that applause

If you support the fascists, your hands

If you support the fascists your hands

have no place tapping sweet somber

rhythms on your cat's

bongo butt.

bongo butt

Which means the revolution has a new

fight song. Hit it.

fight song Hit it

[laughter]

laughter

Cat seems to like it. I wouldn't mind

Cat seems to like it I wouldn't mind

that. [applause]

that applause

[cheering]

cheering

Naturally,

Naturally

[applause]

applause

uh, a lot of the anger has been directed

uh a lot of the anger has been directed

at Homeland Security Secretary and

girlfriend, a lonely sailor made from

girlfriend a lonely sailor made from

driftwood and kelp, [laughter]

driftwood and kelp laughter

Kirstjen Nielsen.

Kirstjen Nielsen

On Saturday, Nielsen was quick to call Freddy

On Saturday Nielsen was quick to call Freddy

a domestic terrorist without evidence.

a domestic terrorist without evidence

Now, House Democrats are threatening to

Now House Democrats are threatening to

impeach her, and even some Republicans

impeach her and even some Republicans

are demanding her resignation. But

are demanding her resignation But

yesterday, [cheering]

yesterday cheering

that's pleasant [applause]

that's pleasant applause

something. But yesterday, Trump said no

something But yesterday Trump said no

when asked by a reporter if Nielsen would

step down, adding, "I think she's doing

step down adding I think she's doing

a very good job. I think she's doing a

a very good job I think she's doing a

very good job, folks. Nope. She's doing

very good job folks Nope She's doing

excellent. There's no one else I'd

excellent There's no one else I'd

rather have everyone blame for my

mindless cruelty. She's perfect. First

mindless cruelty She's perfect First

off, she's a woman, and nobody likes

off she's a woman and nobody likes

that.

that

For her part, uh, Gnome is trying to

For her part uh Gnome is trying to

blame other people for immediately

labeling a murder victim a domestic

terrorist. Yesterday, she reportedly

terrorist Yesterday she reportedly

said, "Everything I've done, I've done

said Everything I've done I've done

at the direction of the president and

Stephen Miller." Oh,

Stephen Miller Oh

so you were just following orders.

so you were just following orders

This was all just a nothing

burger. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I misread

burger Oh wait I'm sorry I misread

that. Uh, it's a Nermber burger.

that Uh it's a Nermber burger

But much of Nielsen's [cheering]

But much of Nielsen's cheering

[applause]

applause

But this much of Nielsen's story does

check out. Right after Prey was killed,

check out Right after Prey was killed

Miller called him an assassin intent on

massacring law enforcement. But now he's

massacring law enforcement But now he's

saying that wasn't his idea either.

saying that wasn't his idea either

Yesterday, he told reporters any early

Yesterday he told reporters any early

comments made were based on information

sent to the White House through Customs

and Border Protection. So Christine

and Border Protection So Christine

Gnome, who runs Customs and Border

Gnome who runs Customs and Border

Protection, heard it from Steven Miller,

Protection heard it from Steven Miller

who says he heard it from Customs and

Border Protection, run by Christine

Border Protection run by Christine

Nielsen. This is this is this is a real

Nielsen This is this is this is a real

snake eating its own tail,

snake eating its own tail

which I believe is how Stephen Miller

reproduces.

reproduces

[cheering]

cheering

Just [applause]

Just applause

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

yesterday during a press event with Iowa

farmers, Trump was asked about the

farmers Trump was asked about the

trouble in Minnesota. Warning, if you're

trouble in Minnesota Warning if you're

a fan of the song Eye of the Tiger, this

a fan of the song Eye of the Tiger this

might make you like it less.

might make you like it less

Why did you decide to shake up your

leadership team in Minnesota and send

Tom?

Tom

I do that all the time. I shake up

I do that all the time I shake up

teams. Everybody here, these are a lot

teams Everybody here these are a lot

of owners of farms and places, and you

of owners of farms and places and you

shake up your team if they can't do the

crops fast enough.

crops fast enough

That was an insane analogy to make while

blasting that song in the background. If

blasting that song in the background If

you work for a farmer and you do crops

too slow or you just maybe did a little

murder,

murder

deescalation or not, things in Minnesota

deescalation or not things in Minnesota

are still very tense. Case in point,

are still very tense Case in point

last night, Minnesota Congresswoman Elon

last night Minnesota Congresswoman Elon

Omar, a very frequent target of the

Omar a very frequent target of the

president's, was speaking at a town hall

president's was speaking at a town hall

where she was attacked by a man with a

mystery liquid. Take a look.

mystery liquid Take a look

And DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen must

resign or face impeachment.

resign or face impeachment

Okay.

Okay

Representative Ilhan Omar is

okay and admirably tough under pressure.

okay and admirably tough under pressure

Check out during the attack. She moves

Check out during the attack She moves

toward danger and then her arm

back.

back

[applause]

applause

Girl was ready to throw some hands right

there. Explains her campaign slogan.

there Explains her campaign slogan

Ilhan Omar will fight for you and with

you after school in the Panera parking

lot. [cheering]

lot cheering

The attacker.

The attacker

How's it sound? [applause]

How's it sound applause

Coming through. Okay. Going through.

Coming through Okay Going through

Okay. The attacker has been identified

Okay The attacker has been identified

as a 55-year-old man named Anthony J.

as a 55-year-old man named Anthony J

Kazmichic.

Kazmichic

As of this taping, we don't know what

As of this taping we don't know what

his motivations [clears throat]

his motivations clears throat

were. It might have been Donald Trump.

were It might have been Donald Trump

Uh, it might have been Captain Morgan.

Uh it might have been Captain Morgan

[laughter]

laughter

Witnesses say that Kazmichic sprayed

Omar with a strong smelling liquid from

this syringe. Some on the internet

this syringe Some on the internet

speculated it was urine. If so, Anthony,

speculated it was urine If so Anthony

you got to hydrate immediately.

you got to hydrate immediately

[laughter]

laughter

Turns out, turns [applause] out, I'm

Turns out turns applause out I'm

happy to say, turns out the substance

happy to say turns out the substance

was apple cider vinegar.

was apple cider vinegar

That's right, vinegar. That's more

That's right vinegar That's more

dangerous than you think. If she had had

dangerous than you think If she had had

baking soda in her pocket,

baking soda in her pocket

he could have turned her into a volcano.

he could have turned her into a volcano

She's fine. She finished her speech. The

She's fine She finished her speech The

guy's in jail. Now, clearly, when it

guy's in jail Now clearly when it

comes to Minnesota, Trump has a big PR

comes to Minnesota Trump has a big PR

problem on his decomposing hands. So

problem on his decomposing hands So

yesterday he tried to change the

narrative by flying out to Iowa for a

rally about the economy. There's just

rally about the economy There's just

one problem. We just found out that in

one problem We just found out that in

January consumer confidence collapsed to

its lowest level since 2014.

its lowest level since 2014

Well, yeah. That year, everyone's

Well yeah That year everyone's

confidence collapsed after John Travolta

tried to introduce Adena Menzel.

tried to introduce Adena Menzel

Please welcome the wickedly talented one

and only Idina.

and only Idina

[applause]

applause

It never gets old. I just like I just

It never gets old I just like I just

like watching it.

like watching it

[laughter]

laughter

We don't even have a follow-up joke. We

We don't even have a follow-up joke We

just want to [laughter]

just want to laughter

just want to watch that as often as we

can. Every month, here's the thing.

can Every month here's the thing

Every month, something called the

Every month something called the

Conference Board releases a consumer

confidence index. And this January, the

confidence index And this January the

numbers are truly stunning. I'm talking

numbers are truly stunning I'm talking

about 84.5, 65.1, and 113.7.

about 845 651 and 1137

Do you know what that means?

Do you know what that means

’Cause I don't. And that's scary. Where are

’Cause I don't And that's scary Where are

we headed from here? 293.5,

we headed from here 2935

47.6,

476

or the unthinkable

420.69?

42069

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

F. [cheering]

F cheering

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

Nice.

Nice

A warning about this next story for any

eight-year-olds in the room. You're

eight-year-olds in the room You're

going to love it because a small geyser

of poop water is flooding into the Ptoac

River. That's right. Washington DC has

River That's right Washington DC has

an unstoppable geyser of poop and now

there's one in the Potomac too.

there's one in the Potomac too

[cheering] According to reports, thank

cheering According to reports thank

you. [applause]

you applause

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank

Thank you very much Thank you Thank

you. [cheering]

you cheering

That joke [applause]

That joke applause

that joke courtesy of Little Richie Dom,

that joke courtesy of Little Richie Dom

age eight. According according to

age eight According according to

reports, the oopsy poopy happened when

reports the oopsy poopy happened when

part of a major sewer line that carries

wastewater collapsed. Experts estimate

wastewater collapsed Experts estimate

the overflow of sewage is about 40 million

gallons a day.

gallons a day

That's some deep doodoo. [laughter]

That's some deep doodoo laughter

Like all stories involving poop geysers,

Like all stories involving poop geysers

this is going to get worse before it

gets better. Because while much of the

gets better Because while much of the

sewage may be locked in ice at the

moment, it's unclear what the effect

moment it's unclear what the effect

will be when it's released later.

will be when it's released later

According to the riverkeeper. Yes,

According to the riverkeeper Yes

the riverkeeper.

the riverkeeper

[laughter]

laughter

Bow mortals, slaves, your precious

Bow mortals slaves your precious

terrairmer, and heed the portentous cry

terrairmer and heed the portentous cry

of I, the riverkeeper.

of I the riverkeeper

For I may keep the river, but who keeps

For I may keep the river but who keeps

me? [laughter]

me laughter

It's a water safety nonprofit in

DC.

Fun fact, the Riverkeeper's name.

Fun fact the Riverkeeper's name

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

You guys good over there? I didn't scare

You guys good over there I didn't scare

you, did I? I didn't scare anybody, did

you did I I didn't scare anybody did

I? [applause]

I applause

Fun fact, the Riverkeeper's name is

Fun fact the Riverkeeper's name is

Dean. No jokes,

Dean No jokes

[laughter]

laughter

but I will not make fun of his name

because Dean has made it clear.

because Dean has made it clear

No jokes. We got a great show for you

No jokes We got a great show for you

tonight. My guest from Bad Money

tonight My guest from Bad Money

and Emmy winning actress Catherine

Reasa will come [music and cheering]

Reasa will come music and cheering

back. Meanwhile, join us too.

back Meanwhile join us too

[music]

music

[music]

music

[music]

music

Come on.

Come on

[cheering]

cheering

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