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Welcome one and all. Thank you very
Welcome
one
and
all
Thank
you
very
much. You're very kind. Welcome ladies
much
You're
very
kind
Welcome
ladies
and gentlemen to the late show. I'm your
and
gentlemen
to
the
late
show
I'm
your
host Steven Colbert. [cheering]
host
Steven
Colbert
cheering
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ladies
and
gentlemen
friends and neighbors. Tonight, tonight
friends
and
neighbors
Tonight
tonight
folks, we we start our Wednesday show
folks
we
we
start
our
Wednesday
show
with more news about the Epstein files,
with
more
news
about
the
Epstein
files
which feels particularly disturbing on
which
feels
particularly
disturbing
on
hump day.
hump
day
[laughter]
laughter
Trump, I told you, disturbing. Trump is
Trump
I
told
you
disturbing
Trump
is
so eager for all of this to go away.
so
eager
for
all
of
this
to
go
away
Here's what he said yesterday when he
Here's
what
he
said
yesterday
when
he
was asked about Epstein in the Oval
was
asked
about
Epstein
in
the
Oval
Office.
Office
I think it's really time for the country
I
think
it's
really
time
for
the
country
to get onto something else really, you
to
get
onto
something
else
really
you
know, now that nothing came out about
know
now
that
nothing
came
out
about
me, but I think it's time now for the
me
but
I
think
it's
time
now
for
the
country to maybe get on to something
country
to
maybe
get
on
to
something
else.
else
Yes, sir. I think it's it's time to turn
Yes
sir
I
think
it's
it's
time
to
turn
the page. Unfortunately, you're on the
the
page
Unfortunately
you're
on
the
next page, too. You're like on
next
page
too
You're
like
on
[cheering] 5,000 of the pages,
cheering
5000
of
the
pages
right?
right
[cheering]
cheering
But sure, let's talk about something
But
sure
let's
talk
about
something
different, something meaningless, you
different
something
meaningless
you
know, something fun like Pokemon.
know
something
fun
like
Pokemon
Did you know that Pikachu can only
Did
you
know
that
Pikachu
can
only
evolve with a Thunderstone and that he
evolve
with
a
Thunderstone
and
that
he
is also in the Epstein files?
is
also
in
the
Epstein
files
Not as much as Donald Trump is, but
Not
as
much
as
Donald
Trump
is
but
still, when it comes to Jeffrey's creepy
still
when
it
comes
to
Jeffrey's
creepy
pals, we got to catch them all.
pals
we
got
to
catch
them
all
[cheering]
cheering
Trump's really uh
Trump's
really
uh
Trump really wants us to stop talking
Trump
really
wants
us
to
stop
talking
about his former best friend's
about
his
former
best
friend's
international sex crime documents. Which
international
sex
crime
documents
Which
is why when CNN's Caitlyn Collins
is
why
when
CNN's
Caitlyn
Collins
followed up on that initial question, he
followed
up
on
that
initial
question
he
did this.
did
this
What would you say to the survivors who
What
would
you
say
to
the
survivors
who
feel like they haven't gotten the worst
feel
like
they
haven't
gotten
the
worst
reporter? No wonder CNN has no ratings
reporter
No
wonder
CNN
has
no
ratings
because of people like you. You know,
because
of
people
like
you
You
know
she's a young woman. I don't think I've
she's
a
young
woman
I
don't
think
I've
ever seen you smile. I've known you for
ever
seen
you
smile
I've
known
you
for
10 years. I don't think I've ever seen a
10
years
I
don't
think
I've
ever
seen
a
smiling.
smiling
Well, I'm asking you about survivors of
Well
I'm
asking
you
about
survivors
of
Jeffrey. You know why you're not
Jeffrey
You
know
why
you're
not
smiling? Because you know you're not
smiling
Because
you
know
you're
not
telling the truth and you're uh you're a
telling
the
truth
and
you're
uh
you're
a
very dishonest organization and they
very
dishonest
organization
and
they
should be ashamed of you. Not only is
should
be
ashamed
of
you
Not
only
is
that disgusting and misogynistic,
that
disgusting
and
misogynistic
but it's also a bit of a tell. Uh Mr.
but
it's
also
a
bit
of
a
tell
Uh
Mr
President, what do you say to
President
what
do
you
say
to
accusations that you mistreat women?
accusations
that
you
mistreat
women
That girl's fugly and I hate her.
That
girl's
fugly
and
I
hate
her
Today, Vice President Vance was asked
Today
Vice
President
Vance
was
asked
about Trump's comments.
about
Trump's
comments
She's asking a question. The president
She's
asking
a
question
The
president
says, "Why don't you ever smile?"
says
Why
don't
you
ever
smile
Yeah.
Yeah
And it's actually like so perceptive.
And
it's
actually
like
so
perceptive
He's got a point.
He's
got
a
point
No, folks, he's got a point. It is
No
folks
he's
got
a
point
It
is
perceptive of the president to recognize
perceptive
of
the
president
to
recognize
that when he's in the room, women don't
that
when
he's
in
the
room
women
don't
smile. [cheering]
smile
cheering
the person.
the
person
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
No matter what Trump wants, it's a
No
matter
what
Trump
wants
it's
a
little hard to look away from an
little
hard
to
look
away
from
an
international sex trafficking conspiracy
international
sex
trafficking
conspiracy
featuring the stars of the 80s, 90s, and
featuring
the
stars
of
the
80s
90s
and
today. Like one text chain about Trump's
today
Like
one
text
chain
about
Trump's
former impeachment lawyer, Alan
former
impeachment
lawyer
Alan
Dershowitz, seen here after winning a
Dershowitz
seen
here
after
winning
a
contest for eating the most egg salad.
contest
for
eating
the
most
egg
salad
[laughter]
laughter
Dershowitz is the subject of a
Dershowitz
is
the
subject
of
a
particularly catty exchange between Jeff
particularly
catty
exchange
between
Jeff
Epstein and Woody Allen. Woody writes,
Epstein
and
Woody
Allen
Woody
writes
"Did you happen to read the uh Alan
Did
you
happen
to
read
the
uh
Alan
Dershowitz's article in the New York Times?"
Dershowitz's
article
in
the
New
York
Times
Epstein replied, "Yes, it's always only
Epstein
replied
Yes
it's
always
only
Allen for Allen." Woody Allen wrote
Allen
for
Allen
Woody
Allen
wrote
back, "Exactly. I thought he came off as
back
Exactly
I
thought
he
came
off
as
an ass," adding, "He's the biggest
an
ass
adding
He's
the
biggest
self-promoter I've ever met. It's it's
self-promoter
I've
ever
met
It's
it's
quite laughable how desperate he is.
quite
laughable
how
desperate
he
is
Also the biggest name-dropper. It makes
Also
the
biggest
name-dropper
It
makes
me shudder. It's so embarrassing. He He
me
shudder
It's
so
embarrassing
He
He
has no shame. Now, if you'll excuse me,
has
no
shame
Now
if
you'll
excuse
me
I'm off to lunch with my daughter-wife.
I'm
off
to
lunch
with
my
daughter-wife
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
[laughter]
laughter
Was Woody Allen just here? That was such
Was
Woody
Allen
just
here
That
was
such
a flawless impression.
a
flawless
impression
[laughter]
laughter
Now, here's the curious thing. Uh, I got
Now
here's
the
curious
thing
Uh
I
got
a little curious and did a little
a
little
curious
and
did
a
little
searching to see if I was in the files.
searching
to
see
if
I
was
in
the
files
Uh, and unfortunately I am because one
Uh
and
unfortunately
I
am
because
one
of Epstein's associates was a fan of my
of
Epstein's
associates
was
a
fan
of
my
old show, The Colbert Report,
old
show
The
Colbert
Report
particularly of my explanation of
particularly
of
my
explanation
of
massive anonymous campaign coffers known
massive
anonymous
campaign
coffers
known
as Super PACs. In an email asking
as
Super
PACs
In
an
email
asking
Epstein to donate to a candidate, that
Epstein
to
donate
to
a
candidate
that
person wrote, "Nobody explains it better
person
wrote
Nobody
explains
it
better
than Steven Colbert. It's really funny.
than
Steven
Colbert
It's
really
funny
Think Jeffrey will enjoy watching."
Think
Jeffrey
will
enjoy
watching
[cheering]
cheering
Well,
Well
well, there's no such thing as bad
well
there's
no
such
thing
as
bad
publicity. Just just look at our new
publicity
Just
just
look
at
our
new
Times Square billboard, The Late Show.
Times
Square
billboard
The
Late
Show
It's really funny. Think Jeffrey will
It's
really
funny
Think
Jeffrey
will
enjoy watching. [cheering] But these
enjoy
watching
cheering
But
these
files contain the names of folks even
files
contain
the
names
of
folks
even
more important to me than me because
more
important
to
me
than
me
because
Epstein also name-dropped Bilbo Baggins.
Epstein
also
name-dropped
Bilbo
Baggins
And at one point, he compared himself to
And
at
one
point
he
compared
himself
to
Gandalf. All right, that is disgusting.
Gandalf
All
right
that
is
disgusting
In the immortal words of Gandalf the
In
the
immortal
words
of
Gandalf
the
Grey, "Eat you dead pervert." [cheering]
Grey
Eat
you
dead
pervert
cheering
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
It sounds prettier and Elvish.
It
sounds
prettier
and
Elvish
Oh, hey, remember our government's
Oh
hey
remember
our
government's
unfettered cruelty to immigrants? Well,
unfettered
cruelty
to
immigrants
Well
uh, you're not the only one upset about
uh
you're
not
the
only
one
upset
about
it. So is a guy from Chicago named Pope
it
So
is
a
guy
from
Chicago
named
Pope
Leo XIV. Seen here, [cheering]
Leo
XIV
Seen
here
cheering
[applause]
applause
seen here in a White Sox hat, proving he
seen
here
in
a
White
Sox
hat
proving
he
is a man of infinite faith.
is
a
man
of
infinite
faith
[laughter]
laughter
Donohue has described Trump's treatment
Donohue
has
described
Trump's
treatment
of migrants as extremely disrespectful
of
migrants
as
extremely
disrespectful
and has reiterated the Catholic belief
and
has
reiterated
the
Catholic
belief
that every Christian will be ultimately
that
every
Christian
will
be
ultimately
be judged on how they welcomed the
be
judged
on
how
they
welcomed
the
foreigner. Yes. [cheering]
foreigner
Yes
cheering
[applause]
applause
The Bible. Yes. The Bible calls all of
The
Bible
Yes
The
Bible
calls
all
of
us to welcome the foreigner. As it is
us
to
welcome
the
foreigner
As
it
is
written, I want to know what love is. I
written
I
want
to
know
what
love
is
I
want you to show me. [applause]
want
you
to
show
me
applause
Republicans
Republicans
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
Republicans uh like to claim Jesus is is
Republicans
uh
like
to
claim
Jesus
is
is
their guy. Which is why yesterday his
their
guy
Which
is
why
yesterday
his
eminence Mike Johnson tried to correct
eminence
Mike
Johnson
tried
to
correct
the pope on the Bible. No, Mike. Mike,
the
pope
on
the
Bible
No
Mike
Mike
don't go there. That's like that's
don't
go
there
That's
like
that's
trying to that's like trying to correct
trying
to
that's
like
trying
to
correct
me on The Lord of the Rings. [cheering]
me
on
The
Lord
of
the
Rings
cheering
Did I write it? No. Do I consider myself
Did
I
write
it
No
Do
I
consider
myself
its spiritual emissary on earth? You bet
its
spiritual
emissary
on
earth
You
bet
you're Tom Bombadil I do. Okay. So,
you're
Tom
Bombadil
I
do
Okay
So
[cheering] you claim
cheering
you
claim
you claim to know more about the Bible
you
claim
to
know
more
about
the
Bible
than the Pope. Do you also claim to poop
than
the
Pope
Do
you
also
claim
to
poop
in the woods more than a bear?
in
the
woods
more
than
a
bear
[laughter]
laughter
Then go for it, buddy. Immigration is
Then
go
for
it
buddy
Immigration
is
not something that's frowned upon in
not
something
that's
frowned
upon
in
scripture. But what's also important in
scripture
But
what's
also
important
in
the Bible is that assimilation is
the
Bible
is
that
assimilation
is
expected and anticipated and proper.
expected
and
anticipated
and
proper
When someone comes into your country,
When
someone
comes
into
your
country
comes into your nation, they do not have
comes
into
your
nation
they
do
not
have
the right to change its laws or to
the
right
to
change
its
laws
or
to
change a society. They're expected to
change
a
society
They're
expected
to
assimilate.
assimilate
Exactly. We must all assimilate. Which
Exactly
We
must
all
assimilate
Which
is why Johnson gave that answer in
is
why
Johnson
gave
that
answer
in
perfect Ojibwe.
perfect
Ojibwe
Johnson eventually got down to chapter
Johnson
eventually
got
down
to
chapter
and verse.
and
verse
Romans 12. You want to do this?
Romans
12
You
want
to
do
this
No, not really.
No
not
really
But go ahead. Romans 13 says that um
But
go
ahead
Romans
13
says
that
um
that the civil authorities are God's
that
the
civil
authorities
are
God's
agents of wrath to bring punishment upon
agents
of
wrath
to
bring
punishment
upon
the wrongdoer. And it says if you do
the
wrongdoer
And
it
says
if
you
do
right, you have no fear of the civil
right
you
have
no
fear
of
the
civil
authorities, but those civil authorities
authorities
but
those
civil
authorities
are necessary. Okay, technically he's
are
necessary
Okay
technically
he's
right. Romans 13 does say that because
right
Romans
13
does
say
that
because
it's St. Paul's letter to the Romans
it's
St
Paul's
letter
to
the
Romans
trying to work within the system so Nero
trying
to
work
within
the
system
so
Nero
would stop killing everybody who had
would
stop
killing
everybody
who
had
just joined the brand new religion. But
just
joined
the
brand
new
religion
But
Paul bending the knee to the Romans
Paul
bending
the
knee
to
the
Romans
didn't help him at all. He was arrested
didn't
help
him
at
all
He
was
arrested
at least three times and then they
at
least
three
times
and
then
they
chopped his head off. But I guess they
chopped
his
head
off
But
I
guess
they
were just God's agents of wrath, right,
were
just
God's
agents
of
wrath
right
Mike? You want to [screaming] do this,
Mike
You
want
to
screaming
do
this
buddy? Let's do this, Bucko. I did not
buddy
Let's
do
this
Bucko
I
did
not
suffer [cheering] through a thousand
suffer
cheering
through
a
thousand
hours of acoustic folk mass for nothing.
hours
of
acoustic
folk
mass
for
nothing
Our [cheering] Father who worked in
Our
cheering
Father
who
worked
in
heaven.
heaven
[music]
music
And [cheering] listen up, listen up. I'd
And
cheering
listen
up
listen
up
I'd
say Romans 13 is also an interesting
say
Romans
13
is
also
an
interesting
Bible passage to just be able to pluck
Bible
passage
to
just
be
able
to
pluck
from your memory, Mike. According to one
from
your
memory
Mike
According
to
one
American history professor, there are
American
history
professor
there
are
two dominant places in American history
two
dominant
places
in
American
history
where Romans 13 is invoked. One is
where
Romans
13
is
invoked
One
is
during the American Revolution when it
during
the
American
Revolution
when
it
was used by loyalists who opposed the
was
used
by
loyalists
who
opposed
the
revolution. The other is in the 1840s
revolution
The
other
is
in
the
1840s
and 50s when it was invoked by defenders
and
50s
when
it
was
invoked
by
defenders
of slavery. Not great company, Mr.
of
slavery
Not
great
company
Mr
Speaker.
Speaker
You really listen, you really don't want
You
really
listen
you
really
don't
want
to be on the side with the bad guys in
to
be
on
the
side
with
the
bad
guys
in
every single Ken Burns documentary.
every
single
Ken
Burns
documentary
If this, if this, if this was the one on
If
this
if
this
if
this
was
the
one
on
baseball, if this was the one on
baseball
if
this
was
the
one
on
baseball, Mike Johnson would be Reign.
baseball
Mike
Johnson
would
be
Reign
[cheering]
cheering
But you know, you know what? You know
But
you
know
you
know
what
You
know
what?
what
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
I'm angry.
I'm
angry
You know what? This is all so let's
You
know
what
This
is
all
so
let's
let's keep it light. You guys want to
let's
keep
it
light
You
guys
want
to
hear a riddle?
hear
a
riddle
What's black and white and dead all
What's
black
and
white
and
dead
all
over?
over
The Washington Post. Because today the
The
Washington
Post
Because
today
the
WPO cut a third of its staff. And you
WPO
cut
a
third
of
its
staff
And
you
know, you know this is bad because
know
you
know
this
is
bad
because
rather than read that headline from the
rather
than
read
that
headline
from
the
Washington Post, I pulled it from
Washington
Post
I
pulled
it
from
Philadelphia's ABC 6 Action News.
Philadelphia's
ABC
6
Action
News
Yeah, [applause]
Yeah
applause
No pressure ABC 6 Action News. But from
No
pressure
ABC
6
Action
News
But
from
here on out, it's just you and the New
here
on
out
it's
just
you
and
the
New
York Times.
York
Times
I can't, I cannot believe we're losing a
I
can't
I
cannot
believe
we're
losing
a
pillar of journalism in the middle of a
pillar
of
journalism
in
the
middle
of
a
constitutional crisis. These layoffs
constitutional
crisis
These
layoffs
might be the worst decision Jeff Bezos
might
be
the
worst
decision
Jeff
Bezos
has ever. Okay, maybe the second
has
ever
Okay
maybe
the
second
worst decision Jeff Bezos has ever made.
worst
decision
Jeff
Bezos
has
ever
made
Now, reportedly, uh, Bezos's lackey
Now
reportedly
uh
Bezos's
lackey
executive editor Matt Murray told staff
executive
editor
Matt
Murray
told
staff
members the company had lost too much
members
the
company
had
lost
too
much
money for too long thanks to declining
money
for
too
long
thanks
to
declining
audiences and sagging subscriptions. I
audiences
and
sagging
subscriptions
I
would tell you more of what he said, but
would
tell
you
more
of
what
he
said
but
it was behind the paywall and daddy
it
was
behind
the
paywall
and
daddy
don't play like that.
don't
play
like
that
All right. Reporters who report on
All
right
Reporters
who
report
on
reporters are unhappily reportedly
reporters
are
unhappily
reportedly
because the Atlantic summed up the whole
because
the
Atlantic
summed
up
the
whole
thing by calling it the murder of the
thing
by
calling
it
the
murder
of
the
Washington Post.
Washington
Post
Yeah, their masthead used to say
Yeah
their
masthead
used
to
say
democracy dies in darkness, but now it's
democracy
dies
in
darkness
but
now
it's
just democracy die.
just
democracy
die
We got a great show for you tonight. My
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My
guest [music] is Ian McKellen. When we
guest
music
is
Ian
McKellen
When
we
come back, first lady Melania Trump
come
back
first
lady
Melania
Trump
[cheering] is here.
cheering
is
here
My satellite.
My
satellite
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
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