Watch and Learn - Trump Can't Stop Saying "War" | Israel: We'll Eliminate Iran's Next Leader

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Welcome one and all in here out there,

Welcome one and all in here out there

Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships

Mr and Mrs America and all the ships

at sea to the Late Show. I'm your host

at sea to the Late Show I'm your host

Steven Colbear. Uh [music and cheering]

Steven Colbear Uh music and cheering

folks, [applause]

folks applause

I really didn't want to start the

monologue by talking about the war, but

monologue by talking about the war but

in honor of this administration, I went

in honor of this administration I went

into this without a plan. So,

into this without a plan So

I we got to talk about it. I guess we I

I we got to talk about it I guess we I

guess we got to start with that. Uh I

guess we got to start with that Uh I

say war because it sure looks like a

war. and Trump keeps calling it a war,

war and Trump keeps calling it a war

but Congress never declared it a war and

MAGA was promised no new wars.

MAGA was promised no new wars

So the White House sent out a list of

talking points to all the congressional

Republicans telling them in no uncertain

terms that if a reporter asks, "Can you

terms that if a reporter asks Can you

promise the American people this will

not be a long drawn out war?" The answer

not be a long drawn out war The answer

to give is these are targeted major

combat operations.

combat operations

So it's worse than a war.

So it's worse than a war

It's a war that got a thesaurus for

Christmas.

Christmas

[laughter]

laughter

Okay.

Okay

So, it's not a war. It's not a war.

So it's not a war It's not a war

Don't call it a war. Got it. I'm sorry,

Don't call it a war Got it I'm sorry

Mr. President. You were saying

Mr President You were saying

I think you probably want to speak about

war rather than this, but this is very

war rather than this but this is very

important. This is very important and uh

important This is very important and uh

we're doing very well on uh on the war

front to put it mildly. I have to go

front to put it mildly I have to go

back and look at the war. Oh no.

back and look at the war Oh no

[laughter]

laughter

Oh damn it. You know you're not supposed

Oh damn it You know you're not supposed

to say it, but that just puts the word

to say it but that just puts the word

in your brain. It's like It's like when

in your brain It's like It's like when

your boss has a huge pimple on his nose

and you're like, "Don't talk about the

and you're like Don't talk about the

pimple." But as soon as he walks in, you

pimple But as soon as he walks in you

go, "Hi, Mr. Pimple. Oh,

go Hi Mr Pimple Oh

[laughter]

laughter

no surprise." Uh, everybody thinks that

no surprise Uh everybody thinks that

this stupid terminology is stupid. So

this stupid terminology is stupid So

today, Speaker Johnson tried a new

today Speaker Johnson tried a new

tactic. It is a war, but it's not our

tactic It is a war but it's not our

war. Iran has attacked three of our US

war Iran has attacked three of our US

embassies in the last couple of days.

embassies in the last couple of days

Okay, those are sovereign territories of

Okay those are sovereign territories of

the US. They have declared war on us.

the US They have declared war on us

We're not at war right now, folks. I

We're not at war right now folks I

totally buy it, babe. She declared sex

totally buy it babe She declared sex

on me.

on me

I simply I simply reciprocated with a

targeted heat-seeking moisture missile.

targeted heat-seeking moisture missile

[cheering]

cheering

One things that Okay, one thing's for

One things that Okay one thing's for

sure. This not a war is not a stopping

sure This not a war is not a stopping

anytime soon cuz yesterday US Central

Command said America's conducting 24/7

strikes into Iran. Is it good when

strikes into Iran Is it good when

you're bombing for as long as 7-Eleven

is open?

is open

Though I will say the Monterey Jack

Chicken Taquito is a war crime.

Chicken Taquito is a war crime

[laughter]

laughter

You know it slogan. I've been on this

You know it slogan I've been on this

roller grill since we killed Saddam.

roller grill since we killed Saddam

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

Looks pretty good actually. Yesterday,

Looks pretty good actually Yesterday

yesterday, Israel bombed Iran's top

yesterday Israel bombed Iran's top

mullers as they counted votes for the

next supreme leader. And then Israel's

next supreme leader And then Israel's

defense minister threatened elimination

to anyone selected as Iran's next

supreme leader. So no matter how many

supreme leader So no matter how many

people the Iranians put into that job,

people the Iranians put into that job

Israel is going to kill them all. just

Israel is going to kill them all just

proving the old Warhol quote in the

future everyone will be Ayatollah for 15

minutes.

minutes

[laughter]

laughter

We don't we don't we don't know who's

next, right? We don't know who is next

next right We don't know who is next

going to get this coveted extremely

brief job, but we do know Ayatollah Ali

brief job but we do know Ayatollah Ali

Kamei's son is emerging as the leading

choice. Great. Another nepoto

choice Great Another nepoto

[laughter]

laughter

sad. It's sad. at the White House press

sad It's sad at the White House press

briefing today. [applause]

briefing today applause

[cheering]

cheering

Say it again. At the White House press

Say it again At the White House press

briefing today, Caroline Levit was asked

briefing today Caroline Levit was asked

why the president acted so quickly in

launching the attack. And here's what

launching the attack And here's what

she said. This decision to launch this

she said This decision to launch this

oper operation was based on a cumulative

effect of various direct threats that

Iran posed to the United States of

America. And the president's feeling

America And the president's feeling

based on fact that Iran does pose an

imminent and direct threat to the United

States of America. The president had a

States of America The president had a

feeling again based on fact that Iran

was going to strike the United States,

was going to strike the United States

was going to strike our assets in the

region.

region

A feeling based on a fact. Okay.

A feeling based on a fact Okay

Incidentally, I've got a feeling based

Incidentally I've got a feeling based

on a fact. is the Black Eyed Pe's worst

on a fact is the Black Eyed Pe's worst

song. [laughter]

song laughter

It's right up there. It's right up there

It's right up there It's right up there

with Let's Get It Started once we

establish where the fire exits are.

establish where the fire exits are

[laughter and applause]

laughter and applause

One of the reasons One of the reasons

the administration is given for the

targeted limited combat operation is

Iran's nuclear program. But according to

Iran's nuclear program But according to

the UN's nuclear watchdog, Iran has no

the UN's nuclear watchdog Iran has no

structured program to build a nuclear

weapon. But the administration disputes

weapon But the administration disputes

that. One official told Politico, quote,

that One official told Politico quote

"They basically could have been days or

They basically could have been days or

weeks away from a weapon if they would

have put the effort into it." Yeah, come

have put the effort into it Yeah come

on, you lazy bones.

on you lazy bones

Are we frosting cupcakes here? We're

Are we frosting cupcakes here We're

making bombs. Pull your panties up and

making bombs Pull your panties up and

put your back into it, ladies. The

put your back into it ladies The

world's not going to blow itself up.

world's not going to blow itself up

This is what I hate about young people

these days. They don't earn anything. It

these days They don't earn anything It

all starts in grade school when we give

them those participation nukes. Let's

them those participation nukes Let's

go. Let's hit it. Let's roll.

go Let's hit it Let's roll

Iran is not going to go away quietly.

Iran is not going to go away quietly

Okay. In fact, an Iranian commander is

Okay In fact an Iranian commander is

threatening to set fire to ships

crossing the straight of Hormuz.

crossing the straight of Hormuz

Oh,

that sound means it's time for our once

every eight-year segment. Hormuz news

every eight-year segment Hormuz news

you can use.

you can use

I got something. I got something.

I got something I got something

[applause]

applause

In this segment, we educate future

In this segment we educate future

generations on where the street of

Hormuz is. It is right there.

Hormuz is It is right there

This has been Hormuz News

you can use.

you can use

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

See our next installment in eight years

on my new network, Plumbbo with ads.

on my new network Plumbbo with ads

[laughter]

laughter

Ships passing through the straight of

Hormuz deliver about a fifth of the

global oil supply. So the price of oil

global oil supply So the price of oil

shot up as much as 13% to over $82 a

shot up as much as 13 to over 82 a

barrel. Okay, but that's a barrel. What

barrel Okay but that's a barrel What

if we bring our own container? Can we

if we bring our own container Can we

get like an empty Cool Whip tub or

something like that or little plastic

bags? Later you can just jab a straw in

bags Later you can just jab a straw in

there like a Capri Sun.

there like a Capri Sun

Voters uh hate expensive gas. So to keep

Voters uh hate expensive gas So to keep

the dinosaur juice a flowing, Trump said

the dinosaur juice a flowing Trump said

that the US will offer ships in the

region coverage against losses caused by

war and hostile actions called political

risk insurance. Political risk insurance

risk insurance Political risk insurance

is so important that it's the plot of

the classic film saving private Ryan 15%

the classic film saving private Ryan 15

on car insurance by switching to Geico.

on car insurance by switching to Geico

Not everything Not everything [applause]

Not everything Not everything applause

that joke comes in real late that comes

that comes in real late at the end. Not

that comes in real late at the end Not

everything in the news is a violent

international cluster munch. Some things

international cluster munch Some things

are just a giant munch cuz yesterday

McDonald's launched their new signature

burger sandwich. Say it with me. The big

burger sandwich Say it with me The big

arch, which is Why didn't you say it

arch which is Why didn't you say it

with me? Which has everyone's talking

with me Which has everyone's talking

about it, which has gotten some

about it which has gotten some

attention thanks to an awkward promo

video from the company's CEO. Check it

video from the company's CEO Check it

out.

out

Chris K here with You've heard about it.

Chris K here with You've heard about it

Here it is. The Big Arch.

Here it is The Big Arch

Okay, first of all, that's the CEO of

Okay first of all that's the CEO of

McDonald's.

McDonald's

He's a skinny little guy in a cashmere

pullover. The CEO of McDonald's should

pullover The CEO of McDonald's should

be a big loud rosy cheicked oily

mannugget who can't stop bellowing.

mannugget who can't stop bellowing

Yeah, that's it. That guy.

Yeah that's it That guy

[cheering] That's his That's

cheering That's his That's

Can we get him that job? Can't we just

Can we get him that job Can't we just

give him that? [applause]

give him that applause

Okay, let's go back to the video. Here's

Okay let's go back to the video Here's

Chris K ready to chow down on the big

arch. This is something that we have

arch This is something that we have

tested already in Portugal, Germany,

tested already in Portugal Germany

Canada,

Canada

and they all liked it.

and they all liked it

So, I assume it's maple glazed octopus

So I assume it's maple glazed octopus

schnitle. [laughter]

schnitle laughter

Keep talking, burger man.

Keep talking burger man

I love this product. It is so good.

I love this product It is so good

Okay. Weird to refer to food as product.

Okay Weird to refer to food as product

Kids, you eat your product. If you

Kids you eat your product If you

don't, I swear to God, I will send you

don't I swear to God I will send you

to bed with no content.

to bed with no content

No Plumbbo with ads for you.

No Plumbbo with ads for you

[applause]

applause

I'm I'm sorry, Chris. I interrupted you

I'm I'm sorry Chris I interrupted you

again. You were saying

again You were saying

I'm going to do a tasting right now, but

I'm going to do a tasting right now but

I'm going to eat this for my lunch, just

I'm going to eat this for my lunch just

so you know.

so you know

Thanks.

Thanks

[laughter]

laughter

I'm glad to know that you will eat it

for lunch and not for the other reason

folks eat McDonald's cuz the only other

place at the rest stop is Roy Rogers.

place at the rest stop is Roy Rogers

And you're pretty sure the cashier lives

there. Okay, dazzle us with your new

there Okay dazzle us with your new

burger.

burger

We've got a very unique kind of sesame

poppy sort of bun on it. We've got two

poppy sort of bun on it We've got two

quarter pound patties, a delicious big

quarter pound patties a delicious big

arch sauce, and of course some lettuce.

arch sauce and of course some lettuce

[laughter]

laughter

Okay, I want to pause here again for a

Okay I want to pause here again for a

second. I just want to take this moment

second I just want to take this moment

to apologize to influencers. It turns

to apologize to influencers It turns

out what you do is incredibly difficult.

out what you do is incredibly difficult

Not all heroes. [applause]

Not all heroes applause

[cheering]

cheering

Not all heroes wear capes. Some do this.

Not all heroes wear capes Some do this

Oh my god. This is a five out of five

Oh my god This is a five out of five

game.

game

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. [screaming]

Boo Boo Boo Boo screaming

[cheering]

cheering

I believe the children of the future.

I believe the children of the future

Back at M McDonald's HQ, uh the talking

Back at M McDonald's HQ uh the talking

paper napkin continued to examine his

burger.

burger

So, oh, there's so much going on with

So oh there's so much going on with

this.

this

You're the CEO. [laughter]

You're the CEO laughter

Is this the first time you're finding

out what your company does? Uh, it

out what your company does Uh it

appears a clown is trying to get me to

eat shredded fried potatoes with the

help of his friend, the obese purple

help of his friend the obese purple

ghost.

ghost

[cheering]

cheering

Now, finally, the moment came for him to

Now finally the moment came for him to

take a giant bite.

take a giant bite

First of all, let's try to get this

First of all let's try to get this

thing. I don't even know how to attack

thing I don't even know how to attack

it. Got so much to it. All right, the

it Got so much to it All right the

moment of truth.

moment of truth

That is so good.

That is so good

Really? [laughter]

Really laughter

Cuz it looks like you took the smallest

possible bite

in the history of human chewing.

in the history of human chewing

That's the bite you take when your

three-year-old says, "Try the cookie I

three-year-old says Try the cookie I

made, Daddy."

made Daddy

[laughter]

laughter

Now go have mommy try.

Now go have mommy try

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

[cheering] My guest [music]

cheering My guest music

for you. Believe that. When we come back

for you Believe that When we come back

for a chance of late show history, stick

for a chance of late show history stick

around.

around

[music]

music

[cheering]

cheering

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