Watch and Learn - U.S. Abandons Citizens Across Middle East | Trump: The Big One Is Coming

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Welcome one and all to the late show.

Welcome one and all to the late show

I'm your host Steven Colbert. [cheering]

I'm your host Steven Colbert cheering

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen

there you go. We are We are on uh four,

there you go We are We are on uh four

right?

right

Yeah.

Yeah

We are on day four of what we here at

the Late Show are calling a war with

Iran.

Iran

We're trying to keep it simple

cuz it's confusing enough already. The

cuz it's confusing enough already The

United States and Israel continue to

bomb them and Iran is launching counter

strikes at the US and its allies in the

region. Yesterday, the US embassy in

region Yesterday the US embassy in

Riyadh was attacked by two drones and

today a drone targeted the US consulate

in Dubai. Thankfully, there were no

in Dubai Thankfully there were no

injuries from the attack, but the State

injuries from the attack but the State

Department is taking no chances. They

Department is taking no chances They

say Americans should depart now via

commercial means from Bahrain, Egypt,

commercial means from Bahrain Egypt

Iran, Iraq, Israel, the occupied West

Iran Iraq Israel the occupied West

Bank, and Gaza, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon,

Bank and Gaza Jordan Kuwait Lebanon

Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Syria, the

Oman Qatar Saudi Arabia Syria the

United Arab Emirates, and Yemen. And

United Arab Emirates and Yemen And

let's we have this. Let's go to the

let's we have this Let's go to the

official announcement.

official announcement

Syria, Lebanon, is

Syria Lebanon is

Thank you. [cheering]

Thank you cheering

Thank you.

Thank you

[applause]

applause

Thank you, Marco Rubio.

Thank you Marco Rubio

One problem with his evacuate order,

One problem with his evacuate order

depending on the country, flights out of

depending on the country flights out of

the Middle East have been either

extremely limited or stopped entirely.

extremely limited or stopped entirely

And earlier today, multiple US embassies

And earlier today multiple US embassies

told Americans they cannot evacuate or

help them get out of the Middle East.

help them get out of the Middle East

But if they can't leave, then what are

But if they can't leave then what are

they supposed to do? Just wander around

they supposed to do Just wander around

the desert? We all know why that took

the desert We all know why that took

Moses 40 years.

Moses 40 years

I refuse to ask directions.

I refuse to ask directions

It's increasingly clear that this

administration did not put a lot of

thought into what happens after the

initial boom boom. Insiders of the

initial boom boom Insiders of the

Pentagon are warning that if the

fighting goes on too long, US air

fighting goes on too long US air

defense stockpiles could run out. The

defense stockpiles could run out The

USA could run out of bombs.

USA could run out of bombs

[laughter]

laughter

That's like the USA running out of

pumpable cheese.

pumpable cheese

It's who we are.

It's who we are

It's also what we are.

It's also what we are

Earlier today, Trump insisted

Earlier today Trump insisted

everything's fine, saying we have

everything's fine saying we have

unlimited of the middle and upper middle

ammunition and things.

ammunition and things

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I buy all my weaponry

Oh yeah Oh yeah I buy all my weaponry

from ammunition and things.

from ammunition and things

It's way more affordable than Bed Bath

and Beyond.

and Beyond

If the [cheering]

If the cheering

pre-fans of the Bombs 'R' Us

[applause]

applause

if the US if the US does run out of

ammo, that would be a problem because

ammo that would be a problem because

Trump claims we haven't even started

hitting them hard. The big wave hasn't

hitting them hard The big wave hasn't

even happened. The big one's coming

even happened The big one's coming

soon. When you say big, how how big?

soon When you say big how how big

Large big. Buy a bunker big. Invest in

Large big Buy a bunker big Invest in

sheep and portable water big. run to

sheep and portable water big run to

Time Square and have sex with the first

person you see big because I'm asking

for a friend who was kind of a weird

thing for Spider-Man.

thing for Spider-Man

[laughter and applause] It's important.

laughter and applause It's important

It's important to remember that Trump

has pledged for years to keep the US out

of new wars. So, it's no wonder that

of new wars So it's no wonder that

voters aren't jumping automatically on

board here. According to a new CNN poll,

board here According to a new CNN poll

59% of Americans disapprove of the Iran

59 of Americans disapprove of the Iran

strikes. But, uh, what if Americans

strikes But uh what if Americans

found out that God wanted this war?

found out that God wanted this war

Because according to more than 100

grievances from US military personnel

stationed at dozens of sites across the

Middle East, US commanders have told

Middle East US commanders have told

troops that President Trump is quote

anointed by Jesus to light the signal

fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and

mark his return to Earth. Well,

mark his return to Earth Well

that's one exit strategy

up.

If the end times are near and the

rapture is coming, I guess it's time to

rapture is coming I guess it's time to

dust off my famous easy cheesy helmet

with the uh the no the no slip rapture

grip [cheering]

grip cheering

[applause]

applause

so the Lord can yank me straight into

heaven.

heaven

Okay, [applause]

Okay applause

this is back for a limited time only.

this is back for a limited time only

Just remember Jesus, lift with the legs.

Just remember Jesus lift with the legs

[applause] It um it gets [laughter]

applause It um it gets laughter

magic hair. Now it gets worse. A source

magic hair Now it gets worse A source

said that one commander had a big grin

on his face when he said all of this,

on his face when he said all of this

which made this message seem even more

crazy. Huh? May would a smile make it

crazy Huh May would a smile make it

seem crazier?

seem crazier

Trump is anointed by God and we're all

going to die.

going to die

[laughter]

laughter

[cheering]

cheering

Yeah, that's crazier. [laughter]

Yeah that's crazier laughter

Clearly Trump is aware that this is not

polling well because he posted, "If I

polling well because he posted If I

didn't terminate Obama's horrendous Iran

nuclear deal, Jack Poa, Iran would have

nuclear deal Jack Poa Iran would have

a nuclear weapon three years ago. That

a nuclear weapon three years ago That

is the most dangerous transaction we

have ever entered into. And had it been

have ever entered into And had it been

allowed to stand, the world would be an

allowed to stand the world would be an

entirely different place. Right now, you

entirely different place Right now you

can blame Barack Hussein

Obama and sleepy Joe Biden. Look, at a

Obama and sleepy Joe Biden Look at a

certain point, you don't get to blame

certain point you don't get to blame

your predecessors anymore or your

predecessor's predecessor. If I

predecessor's predecessor If I

right, I got something. [applause] All

right I got something applause All

right, we're going to do that thing.

right we're going to do that thing

If I have a joke If I have a joke that

doesn't work, which never happens,

doesn't work which never happens

And you don't see me saying thanks a lot

David Letterman

and sleepy Ed Sullivan.

and sleepy Ed Sullivan

[music] That's his middle name. Hussein.

music That's his middle name Hussein

[applause] Yeah. One reason this war is

applause Yeah One reason this war is

not doing baffling box office might be that

the administration does not have a

unified message about why they launched

it and what the goal of the war might

be. Normally the president addresses the

be Normally the president addresses the

nation from the oval offices in times of

war. Trump did not do that. Instead,

war Trump did not do that Instead

he's done some hodgepodge of at least 19

phone interviews just answering his

phone for some reporters, including one

phone for some reporters including one

who said he picked up right away. And

who said he picked up right away And

when I said I had a few questions, he

when I said I had a few questions he

said, "Go ahead."

said Go ahead

How lonely is he?

How lonely is he

What do we got here? Oh, spam likely.

What do we got here Oh spam likely

Spam likely. [laughter]

Spam likely laughter

Hello.

Hello

Well, yes. I would like to extend my

Well yes I would like to extend my

vehicle's warranty.

vehicle's warranty

While I have you, while I have you,

While I have you while I have you

would you like to be Iran's next Supreme

Leader? [laughter]

Leader laughter

Ayatollah likely has a nice ring to it.

Ayatollah likely has a nice ring to it

Okay, I'm now I'm hungry. When do I get

Okay I'm now I'm hungry When do I get

my spam [laughter]

my spam laughter

at this point? [applause] Thank you.

at this point applause Thank you

[cheering]

cheering

And scene,

And scene

thank you, [applause] my lady wife.

thank you applause my lady wife

At this point, uh, Trump's talked to the

At this point uh Trump's talked to the

Washington Post, the New York Times, NBC

Washington Post the New York Times NBC

News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, Axios,

News CNN Fox News ABC News Axios

The Atlantic, The Daily Mail, MS Now,

The Atlantic The Daily Mail MS Now

The New York Post, The Telegraph,

The New York Post The Telegraph

Politico, The Washington Free Beacon,

Politico The Washington Free Beacon

and an extensive interview with Horse

Illustrated,

Illustrated

where he said nay to Iran.

where he said nay to Iran

Trump finally took questions from

the press after meeting with German

Chancellor Friedrich Merz in the Oval

Office and he was asked about what the

war's worst case scenario might be and

his answer was not the best.

his answer was not the best

I guess the worst case would be we do

this and then somebody takes over who's

as bad as the previous person, right?

as bad as the previous person right

That could happen. Uh we don't want that

That could happen Uh we don't want that

to happen. That would probably be the

to happen That would probably be the

worst. you go through this and then uh

worst you go through this and then uh

in 5 years you realize you put somebody

in who was no better.

in who was no better

Yeah. Yeah. That could happen.

Yeah Yeah That could happen

That could happen. It could happen. Cuz

That could happen It could happen Cuz

sometimes you get a really bad guy out

of office and then like four years later

you get the same guy back

and he's somehow [cheering]

and he's somehow cheering

worse. [applause]

worse applause

And

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Then he was asked about who should take

over Iran.

over Iran

We had some in mind from that group that

is uh is dead. And [laughter] now uh we

is uh is dead And laughter now uh we

have another group. They may be dead

have another group They may be dead

also

based on reports. So I guess you have a

based on reports So I guess you have a

third wave coming and pretty soon we're

not going to know anybody.

not going to know anybody

Yeah.

Yeah

Pretty soon they're not going to know

anybody. They're going to have to post

anybody They're going to have to post

the job on Indeed. Supreme Leader.

the job on Indeed Supreme Leader

Qualifications. Charismatic. Proficient

Qualifications Charismatic Proficient

in Excel. Not dead. Applause.

in Excel Not dead Applause

Now,

Now

we'll be good.

we'll be good

We'll be good. [applause]

We'll be good applause

Trump's team is also out there selling

the president's message of everything

and also something else. On the night of

and also something else On the night of

the strikes, Trump called on the Iranian

the strikes Trump called on the Iranian

people to rise up and overthrow the

regime. But yesterday, Pete Hegath said

regime But yesterday Pete Hegath said

this.

this

This is not a so-called regime change

war, but the regime sure did change.

war but the regime sure did change

[laughter]

laughter

You

discount Dr. Seuss douchebag.

discount Dr Seuss douchebag

We [cheering]

We cheering

[applause]

applause

We did not bomb them into rocks. We

We did not bomb them into rocks We

bombed them to get praise on Fox.

bombed them to get praise on Fox

Why did we kill the Ayatollah? Cuz I

Why did we kill the Ayatollah Cuz I

drank too many Roman cola.

drank too many Roman cola

[laughter]

laughter

Middle East envoy.

Middle East envoy

That feels better actually. Middle East

That feels better actually Middle East

envoy Steve Witoff, Steve Whitoff,

envoy Steve Witoff Steve Whitoff

Trump's friend, told us that they had to

Trump's friend told us that they had to

bomb Iran because they were a week away

from nuclear bomb making material. But

from nuclear bomb making material But

on the CBS Nation face on Sunday, Ted

on the CBS Nation face on Sunday Ted

Cruz said, "Nuh-uh."

Cruz said Nuh-uh

I have no indication that that they were

anywhere close to getting nuclear

weapons.

weapons

So, we did it to change the regime

So we did it to change the regime

because they were close to having nukes,

because they were close to having nukes

but they weren't close to having nukes.

but they weren't close to having nukes

And we didn't do it to change the

regime. That was confusing

regime That was confusing

until the administration sent this

spokesperson to clear it up.

spokesperson to clear it up

Have you ever had a dream that

you um you had you you w you could

you'll do you w you want you you could

do so you you do you could you you want

you want him to do you so much you could

do anything.

do anything

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

[applause]

applause

Thank you, Marco Rubio. We got a great

Thank you Marco Rubio We got a great

show for you tonight. My guests are Jill

show for you tonight My guests are Jill

Hall and Maria Bamford. When we come

Hall and Maria Bamford When we come

back, [music]

back music

meanwhile, join us.

meanwhile join us

[music]

music

[music]

music

Hey.

Hey

[cheering]

cheering

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