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[Applause]
Applause
Welcome, welcome to the Late Show, one
Welcome
welcome
to
the
Late
Show
one
and all. I am your host, Steven Colbear.
and
all
I
am
your
host
Steven
Colbear
Folks,
Folks
nice group of people. A beautiful group
nice
group
of
people
A
beautiful
group
of people. Come on. Nice group of
of
people
Come
on
Nice
group
of
people.
people
>> Really nice. You know, uh I don't know
>>
Really
nice
You
know
uh
I
don't
know
if you've been noticed, but ever since
if
you've
been
noticed
but
ever
since
Trump uh got back into office, he's been
Trump
uh
got
back
into
office
he's
been
waging a campaign of vengeance against
waging
a
campaign
of
vengeance
against
his enemies who he believes have been
his
enemies
who
he
believes
have
been
trying to take him down. Now he's
trying
to
take
him
down
Now
he's
focused all of his rage on the one foe
focused
all
of
his
rage
on
the
one
foe
who refused to take him up and that is
who
refused
to
take
him
up
and
that
is
the UN escalator.
the
UN
escalator
So right now Yep.
So
right
now
Yep
Let's take a fond look back at what
Let's
take
a
fond
look
back
at
what
happened on Tuesday. Trump walks up to
happened
on
Tuesday
Trump
walks
up
to
the escalator, steps on, and uh-oh.
the
escalator
steps
on
and
uh-oh
That sudden stop was a close call,
That
sudden
stop
was
a
close
call
especially for the first lady because he
especially
for
the
first
lady
because
he
almost touched her.
almost
touched
her
Yeah. Yeah. They should put they should
Yeah
Yeah
They
should
put
they
should
slide in some sort of shield like that
slide
in
some
sort
of
shield
like
that
piece those pieces of paper they put
piece
those
pieces
of
paper
they
put
between slices of cheese. Just
between
slices
of
cheese
Just
that was just two days ago, right? That
that
was
just
two
days
ago
right
That
was two days ago. Nobody was hurt. They
was
two
days
ago
Nobody
was
hurt
They
walked up the step the stopped escalator
walked
up
the
step
the
stopped
escalator
sometimes known as stairs. But Trump
sometimes
known
as
stairs
But
Trump
just will not let it go. Last night he
just
will
not
let
it
go
Last
night
he
went on social media and wrote all
went
on
social
media
and
wrote
all
this about it.
this
about
it
Skip recipe. Skip to recipe.
Skip
recipe
Skip
to
recipe
I don't want to know about your
I
don't
want
to
know
about
your
grandmother's childhood in Muldova. Just
grandmother's
childhood
in
Muldova
Just
how do you make borched? I don't want to
how
do
you
make
borched
I
don't
want
to
know.
know
In the post, in the post, he described
In
the
post
in
the
post
he
described
his harrowing experience the day the
his
harrowing
experience
the
day
the
escalator died. The escalator going up
escalator
died
The
escalator
going
up
to the main speaking floor came to a
to
the
main
speaking
floor
came
to
a
screeching halt. It stopped on a dime.
screeching
halt
It
stopped
on
a
dime
It's amazing that Melania and I didn't
It's
amazing
that
Melania
and
I
didn't
fall forward onto the sharp edges of
fall
forward
onto
the
sharp
edges
of
those steel steps face first. Now,
those
steel
steps
face
first
Now
usually when a drama queen throws that
usually
when
a
drama
queen
throws
that
much of a hissy, at least Andy Cohen
much
of
a
hissy
at
least
Andy
Cohen
interviews them after the show.
interviews
them
after
the
show
This Nope.
This
Nope
That's the basic idea, right? That's the
That's
the
basic
idea
right
That's
the
basic idea.
basic
idea
The White House has already demanded the
The
White
House
has
already
demanded
the
UN find whoever was responsible for this
UN
find
whoever
was
responsible
for
this
escalator escapade. And in his post,
escalator
escapade
And
in
his
post
Trump went further saying, "The people
Trump
went
further
saying
The
people
that did it should be arrested."
that
did
it
should
be
arrested
Yes, it's police matter now, which
Yes
it's
police
matter
now
which
brings us to another installment of our
brings
us
to
another
installment
of
our
hit new CBS procedural
hit
new
CBS
procedural
>> escalator investigator.
>>
escalator
investigator
[Applause]
Applause
Welcome.
Welcome
Longtime viewers of Escalator
Longtime
viewers
of
Escalator
Investigator may recall that on our
Investigator
may
recall
that
on
our
first episode, which was yesterday,
first
episode
which
was
yesterday
the UN explained that the escalator
the
UN
explained
that
the
escalator
stopped after a built-in safety
stopped
after
a
built-in
safety
mechanism was likely triggered by
mechanism
was
likely
triggered
by
Trump's videographer, who, as you can
Trump's
videographer
who
as
you
can
see in this footage, is riding ahead of
see
in
this
footage
is
riding
ahead
of
Trump on the escalator. Case closed.
Trump
on
the
escalator
Case
closed
Or is it?
Or
is
it
Yes, it is. But what's that? I'm being
Yes
it
is
But
what's
that
I'm
being
told there's more to investate because
told
there's
more
to
investate
because
again in his post, Trump says there were
again
in
his
post
Trump
says
there
were
not one, not two, but three very
not
one
not
two
but
three
very
sinister events. This was triple
sinister
events
This
was
triple
sabotage
sabotage
at the UN. My god, this can only mean
at
the
UN
My
god
this
can
only
mean
one thing. I'm getting a prime time
one
thing
I'm
getting
a
prime
time
special episode.
special
episode
>> Escalator investigator
>>
Escalator
investigator
times at the UN.
times
at
the
UN
[Applause]
Applause
Welcome.
Welcome
Triple sabotage at the UN. Of course,
Triple
sabotage
at
the
UN
Of
course
also the title of your book your dad
also
the
title
of
your
book
your
dad
bought at the airports.
bought
at
the
airports
So, what was the second UN sabotage? My
So
what
was
the
second
UN
sabotage
My
teleprompter didn't work. It was stone
teleprompter
didn't
work
It
was
stone
cold dark. I then proceeded to make a
cold
dark
I
then
proceeded
to
make
a
speech without a teleprompter. Very few
speech
without
a
teleprompter
Very
few
people could have done what I did.
people
could
have
done
what
I
did
You mean
You
mean
>> read your speech from the grandpa easy
>>
read
your
speech
from
the
grandpa
easy
print right in front of you with certain
print
right
in
front
of
you
with
certain
difficult to sound out words in all caps
difficult
to
sound
out
words
in
all
caps
like grocery and gasoline.
like
grocery
and
gasoline
Let's see here. We got grockery and
Let's
see
here
We
got
grockery
and
gas gas.
gas
gas
Is that right? Is that good enough? Is
Is
that
right
Is
that
good
enough
Is
that close enough?
that
close
enough
But
But
nice nice.
nice
nice
>> But this clear case of teleprompter
>>
But
this
clear
case
of
teleprompter
sabotage means I have no choice but to
sabotage
means
I
have
no
choice
but
to
call in an expert.
call
in
an
expert
>> Teleprompter.
>>
Teleprompter
[Applause]
Applause
[Laughter]
Laughter
[Applause]
Applause
[Laughter]
Laughter
[Applause]
Applause
Welcome.
Welcome
So, are there any subtle clues about who
So
are
there
any
subtle
clues
about
who
sabotaged the president's teleprompter?
sabotaged
the
president's
teleprompter
So far, all we know, according to the
So
far
all
we
know
according
to
the
UN, is that the teleprompter for the
UN
is
that
the
teleprompter
for
the
president is operated by the White
president
is
operated
by
the
White
House.
House
[Applause]
Applause
So, looks like our who done it has
So
looks
like
our
who
done
it
has
become a who dum dum.
become
a
who
dum
dum
But wait,
But
wait
we haven't.
we
haven't
We
We
haven't solved the third sabotage.
haven't
solved
the
third
sabotage
After making the speech, I was told that
After
making
the
speech
I
was
told
that
the sound was completely off in the
the
sound
was
completely
off
in
the
auditorium and world leaders, unless
auditorium
and
world
leaders
unless
they use the interpreter's earpieces,
they
use
the
interpreter's
earpieces
couldn't hear a thing.
couldn't
hear
a
thing
What?
What
>> The sound in the auditorium was
>>
The
sound
in
the
auditorium
was
compromised, which means it's time for
compromised
which
means
it's
time
for
ineffective acoustics detective.
ineffective
acoustics
detective
[Applause]
Applause
[Laughter]
Laughter
[Laughter]
Laughter
Welcome.
Welcome
Our third mystery.
Our
third
mystery
Why did people have trouble hearing
Why
did
people
have
trouble
hearing
Trump in the room? So far, the only
Trump
in
the
room
So
far
the
only
evidence we have is the answer, which is
evidence
we
have
is
the
answer
which
is
that it's always quiet in the
that
it's
always
quiet
in
the
auditorium. Because the UN sound system
auditorium
Because
the
UN
sound
system
was designed to allow people to hear
was
designed
to
allow
people
to
hear
speeches through earpieces.
speeches
through
earpieces
Oh.
Oh
Oh. Oh, right. Um,
Oh
Oh
right
Um
let's let's check the return policy at
let's
let's
check
the
return
policy
at
Spirit Halloween. Would you please rise
Spirit
Halloween
Would
you
please
rise
for those get the receipts? We don't
for
those
get
the
receipts
We
don't
have to
have
to
This is solid.
This
is
solid
>> How much of those
>>
How
much
of
those
How much do those hats cost to rent?
How
much
do
those
hats
cost
to
rent
>> $40 million.
>>
40
million
[Music]
Music
Oh, here's something from the grin bin.
Oh
here's
something
from
the
grin
bin
The government could shut down in less
The
government
could
shut
down
in
less
than a week. A complete shutdown. What
than
a
week
A
complete
shutdown
What
would that even look like?
would
that
even
look
like
There you go. There you go. I'm so Oh,
There
you
go
There
you
go
I'm
so
Oh
terrifying. Terrifying.
terrifying
Terrifying
>> I'm so glad neither of those two people
>>
I'm
so
glad
neither
of
those
two
people
were injured because I will enjoy
were
injured
because
I
will
enjoy
showing that footage every night until
showing
that
footage
every
night
until
May,
May
whatever happens.
whatever
happens
Over
Over
in the White House, Trump's been uh
in
the
White
House
Trump's
been
uh
taking a bunch of decorative dumps on
taking
a
bunch
of
decorative
dumps
on
everything overseen by his lead
everything
overseen
by
his
lead
designer, Can of Gold spray paint. The
designer
Can
of
Gold
spray
paint
The
latest addition is a new presidential
latest
addition
is
a
new
presidential
walk of fame featuring portraits of past
walk
of
fame
featuring
portraits
of
past
presidents. An idea he says was inspired
presidents
An
idea
he
says
was
inspired
by a display he saw at the Hilton.
by
a
display
he
saw
at
the
Hilton
Next to Gerald Ford over here, you got a
Next
to
Gerald
Ford
over
here
you
got
a
steam tray of scrambled eggs and the
steam
tray
of
scrambled
eggs
and
the
code for the Wi-Fi. The pool. The pool
code
for
the
Wi-Fi
The
pool
The
pool
and the gym are on the fourth floor and
and
the
gym
are
on
the
fourth
floor
and
they're closed forever.
they're
closed
forever
This is so dumb. The White House doesn't
This
is
so
dumb
The
White
House
doesn't
need a tribute to presidents. The White
need
a
tribute
to
presidents
The
White
House is a tribute to presidents. But
House
is
a
tribute
to
presidents
But
Trump always always
Trump
always
always
Trump always has an ulterior motive and
Trump
always
has
an
ulterior
motive
and
it's always being a jerk. Cuz take a
it's
always
being
a
jerk
Cuz
take
a
look at the video the White House
look
at
the
video
the
White
House
released. There's Obama and there's
released
There's
Obama
and
there's
Trump and oh hearty har it's Biden as an
Trump
and
oh
hearty
har
it's
Biden
as
an
autopen
autopen
and and I know isn't that that's so
and
and
I
know
isn't
that
that's
so
childish and I'm is this I I'm told we
childish
and
I'm
is
this
I
I'm
told
we
have a response from Joe Biden.
have
a
response
from
Joe
Biden
>> Why are you so obsessed with me?
>>
Why
are
you
so
obsessed
with
me
>> Question guys. He looks question he
>>
Question
guys
He
looks
question
he
looks good.
looks
good
He looks looks really nice. He's he he's
He
looks
looks
really
nice
He's
he
he's
been getting some rest
been
getting
some
rest
a and extensions.
a
and
extensions
Obviously, this is pathetic. Joe Biden
Obviously
this
is
pathetic
Joe
Biden
is in full retirement. He's not out
is
in
full
retirement
He's
not
out
there attacking Trump. He's on the beach
there
attacking
Trump
He's
on
the
beach
in Delaware reading triple sabotage at
in
Delaware
reading
triple
sabotage
at
the UN.
the
UN
But Trump's still nice call back. But
But
Trump's
still
nice
call
back
But
Trump's still still mad about the whole
Trump's
still
still
mad
about
the
whole
everybody knows Biden beat him in 2020.
everybody
knows
Biden
beat
him
in
2020
And ever since he's been harping about
And
ever
since
he's
been
harping
about
Joe's auto pen, even though Trump
Joe's
auto
pen
even
though
Trump
himself has said he used auto pens.
himself
has
said
he
used
auto
pens
Well, of course he needs help with his
Well
of
course
he
needs
help
with
his
signature. He's a busy man. And those
signature
He's
a
busy
man
And
those
pubes don't draw themselves.
pubes
don't
draw
themselves
Speaking
Speaking
he he's a busy busy busy man. He's a
he
he's
a
busy
busy
busy
man
He's
a
busy busy man.
busy
busy
man
Oh. Uh, speaking of bad people doing
Oh
Uh
speaking
of
bad
people
doing
stuff, we just found out the defense
stuff
we
just
found
out
the
defense
secretary Pete Hgse has ax asked a panel
secretary
Pete
Hgse
has
ax
asked
a
panel
that encourages women to enter the
that
encourages
women
to
enter
the
military. And I and I'm being told we
military
And
I
and
I'm
being
told
we
have a lot of footage tonight.
have
a
lot
of
footage
tonight
>> I've been told we have No, it's true. We
>>
I've
been
told
we
have
No
it's
true
We
have footage of Hexath axing the panel.
have
footage
of
Hexath
axing
the
panel
>> Who's going to win this battle in the
>>
Who's
going
to
win
this
battle
in
the
London?
London
>> Don't worry, the drummer was hurt.
>>
Don't
worry
the
drummer
was
hurt
The panel he's eliminating has helped
The
panel
he's
eliminating
has
helped
recruit as many as 225,000 women in our
recruit
as
many
as
225000
women
in
our
military and is called the defense
military
and
is
called
the
defense
advisory committee on women in the
advisory
committee
on
women
in
the
services or decawits
services
or
decawits
which is also what Pete Hexath orders
which
is
also
what
Pete
Hexath
orders
when he's hammered at the swim-up bar.
when
he's
hammered
at
the
swim-up
bar
Hey buddy, buddy, can I I want two
Hey
buddy
buddy
can
I
I
want
two
strawberry dawits
strawberry
dawits
umbrella. Could you put babe?
umbrella
Could
you
put
babe
Babe, I'm getting this taco edge. Babe,
Babe
I'm
getting
this
taco
edge
Babe
babe. No, I'm sorry, lady.
babe
No
I'm
sorry
lady
This move is part of Hagath's war on
This
move
is
part
of
Hagath's
war
on
woke, even though the committee was
woke
even
though
the
committee
was
created in 1951 under President Harry
created
in
1951
under
President
Harry
Truman. Ah, yes, that famous liberal
Truman
Ah
yes
that
famous
liberal
snowflake.
snowflake
Who can forget when he held up that
Who
can
forget
when
he
held
up
that
newspaper that said, "Dwey defeats
newspaper
that
said
Dwey
defeats
Truman." He him.
Truman
He
him
Despite
Despite
despite the program's long and storied
despite
the
program's
long
and
storied
history, Hexad says the move will help
history
Hexad
says
the
move
will
help
him rid the Pentagon of efforts that
him
rid
the
Pentagon
of
efforts
that
don't fit into his warrior ethos. So,
don't
fit
into
his
warrior
ethos
So
women can't be warriors. I know one
women
can't
be
warriors
I
know
one
woman who's not going to be happy about
woman
who's
not
going
to
be
happy
about
that.
that
We got a great show for you tonight. My
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My
guest Jeremy Strong and the star of
guest
Jeremy
Strong
and
the
star
of
Ellen Carrie Preston will come back.
Ellen
Carrie
Preston
will
come
back
Meanwhile, join
Meanwhile
join
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Music
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