Watch and Learn - Disney Reinstates Jimmy Kimmel | The Rapture Is Here | Trump's Border Czar Caught Taking $50k Bribe

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[Applause]

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Welcome one and all to the Late Show.

Welcome one and all to the Late Show

I'm your host Steven Colbert.

I'm your host Steven Colbert

You know, we do we do like 160 of these

You know we do we do like 160 of these

a year or something. And and you know,

a year or something And and you know

when I have the chance, it's always nice

when I have the chance it's always nice

to start the show with some good news.

to start the show with some good news

Well, just a few hours before we taped

Well just a few hours before we taped

this broadcast, we got word that our

this broadcast we got word that our

long national late-night nightmare is over

because Disney announced that Jimmy

Kimmel Live will return to air on ABC

tomorrow, Tuesday night. Come on.

tomorrow Tuesday night Come on

Yes, sir.

Yes sir

As well, he should be. This is I I just

As well he should be This is I I just

couldn't. This is wonderful news for my

couldn't This is wonderful news for my

dear friend Jimmy and his amazing staff.

dear friend Jimmy and his amazing staff

They continue their show. Thank you.

They continue their show Thank you

>> You know, I'm so happy for them. Plus,

>> You know I'm so happy for them Plus

now that Jimmy's not being cancelled, I

now that Jimmy's not being cancelled I

get to enjoy this again.

get to enjoy this again

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

I was once more. I am the only martyr in

I was once more I am the only martyr in

late night.

late night

Wait, unless

Wait unless

CBS you want to announce anything.

CBS you want to announce anything

Still no,

Still no

right? Cuz the money thing. I forgot.

right Cuz the money thing I forgot

Yeah, the money thing. But yeah,

Yeah the money thing But yeah

now Disney put out a statement which

said, "Last Wednesday, we made the

said Last Wednesday we made the

decision to meow meow meow whatever."

decision to meow meow meow whatever

Here's why. Here's why Disney folded.

Here's why Here's why Disney folded

After Kimmel was suspended, Google

After Kimmel was suspended Google

searches for cancel Disney Plus and

cancel Hulu spiked. Which

cancel Hulu spiked Which

which explains which explains why the

other trending search was how to

entertain feral child without Bluey?

entertain feral child without Bluey

So Disney put Kimmel back on because

you, the American people, were upset.

you the American people were upset

Okay.

Okay

>> But it but not just people. Also Ted

>> But it but not just people Also Ted

Cruz.

Cruz

>> It's true.

>> It's true

Cruz. Cruz was one of the conservatives

Cruz Cruz was one of the conservatives

who were outraged by the

administration's attack on free speech.

administration's attack on free speech

>> He threatens explicitly,

>> He threatens explicitly

"We're going to cancel ABC's license.

We're going to cancel ABC's license

We're going to take him off the air so

ABC cannot broadcast anymore." He

ABC cannot broadcast anymore He

threatens it. He says, "We can do this

threatens it He says We can do this

the easy way or we can do this the hard

way."

way

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

>> And and I got to say that's right out of

Good Fellows. That that that's right out

Good Fellows That that that's right out

of a mafiosa coming into a bar going,

of a mafiosa coming into a bar going

"Nice bar you have here. It'd be a shame

Nice bar you have here It'd be a shame

if something happened to it."

if something happened to it

Wow. I am I gotta say I am shocked that

Wow I am I gotta say I am shocked that

I agree with Ted Cruz on something. But

I agree with Ted Cruz on something But

I'm even more shocked that he somehow

got Robert Dairo to come on the podcast.

got Robert Dairo to come on the podcast

That was beautiful. See, I'm taking off

That was beautiful See I'm taking off

the air. See, I'm the FCC.

the air See I'm the FCC

[Laughter]

Laughter

ABC was being flooded with complaints

about taking Jimmy off the air, but not

about taking Jimmy off the air but not

all those complaints went to the right

place because uh Down Under the

Australian Broadcasting Company, which

Australian Broadcasting Company which

also goes by the initials ABC, was being

also goes by the initials ABC was being

barrageed by misdirected complaints

about the Kimmel suspension. Come on,

about the Kimmel suspension Come on

folks. Leave them alone. Don't attack

folks Leave them alone Don't attack

Australian ABC. I mean, there's not they

Australian ABC I mean there's not they

they never cancel their popular late

night host, Horrifying Giant Spider.

night host Horrifying Giant Spider

Good ratings. Good ratings. Anyway,

Good ratings Good ratings Anyway

welcome back, Jimmy. Long. May you wave.

welcome back Jimmy Long May you wave

>> Hey,

>> Hey

while we're all uh

nice, nice nice and nice things happen

nice nice nice and nice things happen

to nice people. While we're all being

to nice people While we're all being

happy, I want to wish a happy new year

happy I want to wish a happy new year

to my Jewish viewers. Tonight is the

to my Jewish viewers Tonight is the

start of Rashashana

Shaova.

Shaova

To all who celebrate and a sweet 5786, I

To all who celebrate and a sweet 5786 I

hope you enjoy all the traditional

Jewish New Year celebrations. I believe

Jewish New Year celebrations I believe

it's going to Time Square to watch the

brisket drop.

brisket drop

That's not the only major religious

event going on because a lot of folks

are pretty excited about how the rapture

and end of the world are coming

tomorrow, September 23rd. Ooh, tough

tomorrow September 23rd Ooh tough

break, Kimmel.

break Kimmel

So close.

So close

So close. What are you going to do?

So close What are you going to do

>> It's not up to me. It's the big man.

>> It's not up to me It's the big man

I' I'd delay it for a day. So, how do we

I' I'd delay it for a day So how do we

know tomorrow is humanity's big finale?

know tomorrow is humanity's big finale

Well, it's a divine prophecy from Joshua

Well it's a divine prophecy from Joshua

Msha, a South African preacher. Yes. As

Msha a South African preacher Yes As

it says about the return of Christ in

Matthew 25:13, "You shall know neither

Matthew 25:13 You shall know neither

the day nor the hour unless you're some

random dude in South Africa."

random dude in South Africa

Anyway,

Anyway

anyway, uh, see you tomorrow, maybe.

anyway uh see you tomorrow maybe

I'm I'm I'm secretly hoping I might get

raptured.

raptured

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

>> Because while Kimmel might be back,

>> Because while Kimmel might be back

there's still a whole lot of ways Trump

is doing bad stuff. And yet

is doing bad stuff And yet

occasionally, ladies and gentlemen, he

occasionally ladies and gentlemen he

still is able to surprise me. Like

still is able to surprise me Like

Saturday when he posted this message to

Attorney General Pam Bondi. Pam,

Attorney General Pam Bondi Pam

I have reviewed over 30 statements and

posts that say essentially same old

story as last time. All talk, no action,

story as last time All talk no action

nothing is being done. What about Comey,

nothing is being done What about Comey

Adam? Shifty shift. Leticia, they're all

Adam Shifty shift Leticia they're all

guilty as hell, but nothing's going to

guilty as hell but nothing's going to

be done. Okay. Lot going on there.

be done Okay Lot going on there

First,

First

he's calling on the attorney general to

prosecute his political foes whether

there's evidence of a crime or not.

there's evidence of a crime or not

That's a pretty big deal. Also,

That's a pretty big deal Also

[Applause]

Applause

yeah. Also, he reviewed statements and

yeah Also he reviewed statements and

posts. Does that mean he just read the

posts Does that mean he just read the

internet? Pam, listen up, Pam.

internet Pam listen up Pam

I saw a picture of a guy walking down

the street with his girlfriend. And Pam,

the street with his girlfriend And Pam

he's looking at another girl over his

shoulder.

shoulder

And that girl was named Takeout. And

And that girl was named Takeout And

Pam, get this. His girlfriend walking

Pam get this His girlfriend walking

next to him was named food you have at

home. She gets angry.

home She gets angry

Lock them both up. Pam, something's not right.

Lock them both up Pam something's not right

Also, that post of his was definitely

Also that post of his was definitely

meant to be a text.

meant to be a text

Nothing screams old man texting like

starting with the recipient's name.

starting with the recipient's name

Well, time to text my grandson Joey for

Well time to text my grandson Joey for

his birthday.

his birthday

Joey,

Joey

you are my grandson

and it is your birthday.

and it is your birthday

Signed,

Signed

I am your grandpa.

I am your grandpa

Bondie hasn't Bondi hasn't said what

she's going to do. Thank you. I do a lot

she's going to do Thank you I do a lot

of character work.

of character work

I'm essentially an actor. I'm an actor.

I'm essentially an actor I'm an actor

>> I'm really a hoofer.

>> I'm really a hoofer

>> Bondi hasn't said what she's going to

do, but uh thus far, the Trump DOJ

do but uh thus far the Trump DOJ

hasn't shown a lot of backbone. Case in

hasn't shown a lot of backbone Case in

point, we just learned some damaging

point we just learned some damaging

info about Trump's border and goon who

can't remember where he left the

hooker's body.

hooker's body

Tom Hman, I think it's on the roof,

Tom Hman I think it's on the roof

boss.

boss

Reportedly last year, when it looked

Reportedly last year when it looked

like Trump might win and Homeman would

be appointed to the administration, he

be appointed to the administration he

was recorded accepting a bag with

$50,000 in cash from undercover FBI

50000 in cash from undercover FBI

agents in exchange

in exchange for future government

contracts. The cash was given to home in

contracts The cash was given to home in

inside a bag from the Mediterranean food

chain Cava. Yes, he ordered a chicken

chain Cava Yes he ordered a chicken

bowl with a side of briba ganoush. Hey,

bowl with a side of briba ganoush Hey

>> but nothing.

>> but nothing

Come on, man. We got 8 and 1/2 months

Come on man We got 8 and 1/2 months

left.

left

But come on, man. If you're going to

But come on man If you're going to

stuff a bribe in a bag from a fast

casual place, how do you not go with

casual place how do you not go with

sweet green?

sweet green

>> So, Homeman, there you go. Homeman,

>> So Homeman there you go Homeman

there you go.

there you go

So, Homeman was caught on tape accepting

So Homeman was caught on tape accepting

money in exchange for government

contracts. And after Trump took office,

contracts And after Trump took office

the Justice Department officials shut

down the case. Well, sure. Of course

down the case Well sure Of course

they had to. It's not like Homeman was

they had to It's not like Homeman was

committing a real crime like looking

like he might speak Spanish.

like he might speak Spanish

Today

Yeah.

Yeah

Today, White House press secretary

Today White House press secretary

Caroline Levit denied anything ever

happened.

happened

>> Mr. Hman never took the $50,000 that

>> Mr Hman never took the 50000 that

you're referring to.

you're referring to

>> You know what that means? Somewhere out

>> You know what that means Somewhere out

there there's a Cava bag with $50,000.

there there's a Cava bag with 50000

Everyone check under your schwarma.

Everyone check under your schwarma

Those aren't napkins.

Those aren't napkins

Leavitt continued,

Leavitt continued

>> "Mr. Hman did absolutely nothing wrong.

>> Mr Hman did absolutely nothing wrong

And even the uh president's Department

of Justice, even Cash Patel's FBI,

of Justice even Cash Patel's FBI

looked into this."

looked into this

>> She's right. We actually have acquired a

>> She's right We actually have acquired a

photo of Patel looking into it.

photo of Patel looking into it

Actually looks pretty bad. He looks He

Actually looks pretty bad He looks He

looks pretty shocked. I don't think this

looks pretty shocked I don't think this

is over. I don't think Hello. Hi.

is over I don't think Hello Hi

In another dictator move on Friday,

In another dictator move on Friday

without any warning, Trump signed a

without any warning Trump signed a

proclamation imposing an annual $100,000

proclamation imposing an annual 100000

fee on H1B visas. That's two bags of

fee on H1B visas That's two bags of

Cava.

Cava

For context, the current cost of

For context the current cost of

companies for H1B visas is about $1,500.

companies for H1B visas is about 1500

So this is around 50 times that, which

So this is around 50 times that which

experts say will set the US companies

back $14 billion a year, including some

back 14 billion a year including some

of Trump's pals like Amazon, Meta,

of Trump's pals like Amazon Meta

Google, Walmart, and Apple. Apple's

Google Walmart and Apple Apple's

going to have to make some deep cuts.

going to have to make some deep cuts

They'll be replacing with a Genius Bar

with the shelf.

with the shelf

[Applause]

Applause

Your laptop was working.

Your laptop was working

Oh, your laptop was working, so I poured

Oh your laptop was working so I poured

some water on it. Now, where'd I put

some water on it Now where'd I put

that hooker's body?

that hooker's body

If you're wondering why domestic labor

hasn't filled those jobs, it's because,

hasn't filled those jobs it's because

as my immigrant writers tell me, most

as my immigrant writers tell me most

Americans haven't undergone the vital

school course known as, "Mom threw a

school course known as Mom threw a

flip-flop at me because I got an A minus

in second grade math."

in second grade math

And as I said,

And as I said

As I said, this order came out of

As I said this order came out of

nowhere, so it immediately caused mass

nowhere so it immediately caused mass

panic. The administration just didn't

panic The administration just didn't

clarify how they'd apply this fee. So, a

clarify how they'd apply this fee So a

bunch of companies freaked out and asked

tens of thousands of foreign workers to

come back into the country quickly or or

to never leave it. One flight out of San

to never leave it One flight out of San

Francisco was delayed by 3 hours and 40

minutes as flyers tried to get off the

plane just before takeoff. and only half

plane just before takeoff and only half

of those because they were flying

Spirit.

Spirit

People got so confused that Caroline

Levit had to post a tweet explaining

that among other things that this

applies only to new visas, not renewals

applies only to new visas not renewals

and not current visa holders, and that

and not current visa holders and that

this is not an annual fee. Okay, got it.

this is not an annual fee Okay got it

This fee is not $100,000 per year. I

This fee is not 100000 per year I

don't know where people could have

gotten that stupid idea from. Do you

gotten that stupid idea from Do you

know where Secretary of Commerce Howard

Lutnik?

Lutnik

>> Well, they're $100,000

>> Well they're 100000

per year.

per year

>> I'm sorry. I didn't I'm sorry. I'm

>> I'm sorry I didn't I'm sorry I'm

sorry. I I got I got to I don't know

sorry I I got I got to I don't know

what's going on with my hearing. I'm

what's going on with my hearing I'm

sorry. One more time.

sorry One more time

>> Per year.

>> Per year

Mr. Secretary, I hear they're hiring at

Mr Secretary I hear they're hiring at

the Shelf. We got a great show for

the Shelf We got a great show for

you tonight. My guests are Scarlett

you tonight My guests are Scarlett

Johansson and Senator Mark Kelly. Enjoy

Johansson and Senator Mark Kelly Enjoy

this one too.

this one too

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