Watch and Learn - Escalator Justice | Trump To United Nations: You Suck | Blame Tylenol

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Welcome one and all to the Late Show.

Welcome one and all to the Late Show

I'm your host Stephen Colbert and

I just want to start off, you know, I'm

I just want to start off you know I'm

so grateful to have this show. I'm going

so grateful to have this show I'm going

to say thanks to everybody in here and

and to to everybody watching from home

who I think might just be my wife Evie

because

uh everybody else probably watching NBC

cuz tonight Jimmy Kimmel returned to the

airwaves.

airwaves

I I'm glad Kimmel's back. He is a

I I'm glad Kimmel's back He is a

wonderful fella. To know him well is to

wonderful fella To know him well is to

admire him immensely, even if he takes

admire him immensely even if he takes

the whole summer off.

the whole summer off

What else happened? Oh, today today's

What else happened Oh today today's

also uh it's the start of the UN General

Assembly when the entire world comes to

New York to be stuck in traffic

and no one no one is exempted from the

crushing traffic including French

President Emanuel Mron

and it was this last night right last

night. Here he is trying to convince New

night Here he is trying to convince New

York cops to just let him through.

York cops to just let him through

I'm sorry I'm president. I'm really

I'm sorry I'm president I'm really

sorry. It's just that everything's

sorry It's just that everything's

enclosed right now. There's a border

enclosed right now There's a border

cape coming late. That's why. Let's

cape coming late That's why Let's

talk. If you don't see, let me

talk If you don't see let me

I negotiate with you.

I negotiate with you

Yes, let me uh negotiate with you. Let

Yes let me uh negotiate with you Let

me let me try again in your native

tongue. Uh I am how you say walking

tongue Uh I am how you say walking

here.

here

I want you to if you please play forget

about it.

about it

Turns out uh M was stuck behind

President Trump's motorcade. So, he got

President Trump's motorcade So he got

on the horn uh to let him know he'd be

late.

late

How are you? I g guess what? I'm waiting

How are you I g guess what I'm waiting

in the street because everything is

frozen for you.

frozen for you

Oh, yeah. Oh, boohoo, Mr. France. You

Oh yeah Oh boohoo Mr France You

got stuck in a little traffic. We do

got stuck in a little traffic We do

that every day. Would you like some

that every day Would you like some

cheese with that wine?

cheese with that wine

Oh, you would? That's actually your

Oh you would That's actually your

favorite thing cuz you're French. Okay.

favorite thing cuz you're French Okay

Even before the general assembly began,

Even before the general assembly began

the United States was taking a hard line

with some of its international

adversaries. Yesterday, the State

adversaries Yesterday the State

Department announced that the US is

blocking Iranian diplomats in the US

from shopping at Costco. No, you

from shopping at Costco No you

dummies. You want the Iranians to eat a

dummies You want the Iranians to eat a

bulk bushel of croissants.

bulk bushel of croissants

Then they'll get all loy and pliable.

Then they'll get all loy and pliable

That's that's why the Yolta conference

went so well. FDR gifted Stalin a

went so well FDR gifted Stalin a

5gallon bucket of Nutella.

5gallon bucket of Nutella

The general assembly heard from a lot of

world leaders and Donald Trump the theme

of his speech.

of his speech

Oh, he's on it. He's on it.

Oh he's on it He's on it

The theme of his speech was that the UN

sucks

and the delegates are all ugly and their

mothers dress them funny. Trump, he

mothers dress them funny Trump he

mouth shambbled for almost an hour,

mouth shambbled for almost an hour

saying at one point that he has stopped

seven wars without any help from the UN

and then added this.

and then added this

All I got from the United Nations was an

escalator that on the way up stopped

right in the middle. Yes,

right in the middle Yes

the escalator he was on stopped.

the escalator he was on stopped

And uh we know there is a god because we

have footage of the broken escalator.

have footage of the broken escalator

Here he is walking up to the working

escalator as soon as he steps foot on

it. There's Melania. He steps on and

it There's Melania He steps on and

escalator

that escalator, that escalator goes no.

that escalator that escalator goes no

They don't actually they don't really

know why it stopped. My theory is that

know why it stopped My theory is that

the entire escalator community feels

really guilty about what they did to us

back in 2015.

back in 2015

So they're trying to make it up.

So they're trying to make it up

In the speech, uh Trump came down hard

In the speech uh Trump came down hard

on immigration.

on immigration

It's time to end the failed experiment

of open borders. You have to end it now.

of open borders You have to end it now

See, I can tell you I'm really good at

See I can tell you I'm really good at

this stuff. Your countries are going to

this stuff Your countries are going to

hell.

hell

Keep in mind, this is his welcome speech

Keep in mind this is his welcome speech

to the UN. I'd love to see him host a

to the UN I'd love to see him host a

dinner party. Welcome to my home. May I

dinner party Welcome to my home May I

take your hat and your coat? Wow, your

take your hat and your coat Wow your

kids are ugly and your wife has a horse

face.

face

Your whole family is going to hell. Pig

Your whole family is going to hell Pig

in a blanket, which is also what I call

in a blanket which is also what I call

your wife

then.

then

Yeah. Not nice. Not nice. The point is,

Yeah Not nice Not nice The point is

it's

not nice. Ben Trump trashed

not nice Ben Trump trashed

international efforts to do anything

about global warming.

about global warming

If you don't get away from this green

scam, your country is going to fail. And

scam your country is going to fail And

I'm really good at predicting things.

I'm really good at predicting things

You know, they actually said during the

You know they actually said during the

campaign they had a hat, the bestselling

campaign they had a hat the bestselling

hat. Trump was right about everything.

hat Trump was right about everything

And I don't say that in a braggadocious

way, but it's true. I've been right

way but it's true I've been right

about everything.

about everything

Everything.

Everything

I've been right about everything. I once

I've been right about everything I once

thought I was wrong about being right

about everything. Turns out I was wrong.

about everything Turns out I was wrong

Right.

Right

Staying

am I

staying on the environment and air

pollution? Trump said

pollution Trump said

something. We have a border strong and

something We have a border strong and

we have a shape and that shape doesn't

just go straight up. That shape is

just go straight up That shape is

amorphous when it comes to the

atmosphere.

atmosphere

It does. America has a shape. It has a

It does America has a shape It has a

shape. In fact, it doesn't go straight

shape In fact it doesn't go straight

up and down. It's got a shape.

up and down It's got a shape

In fact, I got a map of the United

In fact I got a map of the United

States right here. Show them the map.

States right here Show them the map

There you go. There's It's just

There you go There's It's just

That's what it looks like. That's Wow.

That's what it looks like That's Wow

That's a map right there.

That's a map right there

That one. So, thank you. You're very

That one So thank you You're very

kind. That went so well that he stayed

kind That went so well that he stayed

on the topic of air.

on the topic of air

We have very clean air. We have the

We have very clean air We have the

cleanest air we've had in many, many

cleanest air we've had in many many

years. But the problem is that other

years But the problem is that other

countries like China, which has air

countries like China which has air

that's a little bit rough.

that's a little bit rough

It blows.

It blows

[Laughter]

Laughter

Uh,

fascinating. Mr. President, how do you

fascinating Mr President how do you

think the speech is going?

think the speech is going

It blows.

It blows

really

just what do you I'm just wondering what

do you think uh history's review of your

presidency will be?

presidency will be

It blows.

It blows

The UN speech bookended perfectly with

yesterday's insane press conference in

which Trump blamed Tylenol for autism.

which Trump blamed Tylenol for autism

Okay, autism is a simple term that

Okay autism is a simple term that

actually covers a variety of

developmental differences across the

spectrum and you can't blame anyone,

spectrum and you can't blame anyone

even Donald Trump, for seeking answers.

even Donald Trump for seeking answers

But experts in the field caution that

what President Trump said in his speech

yesterday was, and I don't want to get

yesterday was and I don't want to get

bogged down in technical jargon here,

bogged down in technical jargon here

crazy.

crazy

Now, listen, I got I got two I got two.

Now listen I got I got two I got two

There you go. Now, listen. I'm not a

There you go Now listen I'm not a

doctor, but you know who is? Republican

doctor but you know who is Republican

Senator Bill Cassidy, who posted this

Senator Bill Cassidy who posted this

about the Tylenol claims. The

about the Tylenol claims The

preponderance of evidence shows that

this is not the case. Ooh,

this is not the case Ooh

I think Bill Cassidy just lost his late

night talk show.

night talk show

Cassidy tonight.

Cassidy tonight

Cassie tonight. Great.

Cassie tonight Great

This claim appears to be based on one

paper that found some correlation

between prenatal use of acettophen and

offspring diagnosed with autism. But

offspring diagnosed with autism But

even the lead author of that study

cautioned that correlation is not

causation. Exactly. For example, I

causation Exactly For example I

picked a side salad over fries the day

my show got cancelled. Is that why?

my show got cancelled Is that why

Probably not. But just to be safe, I

Probably not But just to be safe I

will never eat a salad again.

will never eat a salad again

the fry fans the fry fans out there.

the fry fans the fry fans out there

So the medical doctor folk are saying

that what Trump's saying isn't actually

what the studies say. And it turns out

what the studies say And it turns out

some of what he was saying wasn't even

words.

words

Effective immediately the FDA will be

notifying physicians that the use of

said well let's see how we say that

acetaminophen.

acetaminophen

Acetaminophen.

Acetaminophen

Is that okay?

Is that okay

No.

No. As that's not okay.

No As that's not okay

Doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Mr.

Doesn't exactly inspire confidence Mr

Smith, before we do your open heart

Smith before we do your open heart

surgery, we'll have to put you to sleep,

surgery we'll have to put you to sleep

which means we'll need to bring in the

anastasia

Holland sauce. the the the Anna the Anna

Holland sauce the the the Anna the Anna

the the the the anal stevia apologist

the knockout guy. The knockout guy come

the knockout guy The knockout guy come

knock you out. The problem is that

knock you out The problem is that

pregnant women are not supposed to take

other common pain relievers like

aspirin, Advil or bourbon. But coach

aspirin Advil or bourbon But coach

Trump coach Trump has a solution. Walk

Trump coach Trump has a solution Walk

it off. And they are strongly

it off And they are strongly

recommending that women limit Tylenol

use during pregnancy unless medically

necessary. The word tough it out, you

necessary The word tough it out you

know, it's easy for me to say tough it

know it's easy for me to say tough it

out.

out

Yeah, that is easy for him to say. You

Yeah that is easy for him to say You

know what isn't easy for him to say?

know what isn't easy for him to say

Asa.

Asa

That's a toughy. That's a toughy right

That's a toughy That's a toughy right

there. acetamophane

there acetamophane

as as a as seller to Boston beans. Uh

as as a as seller to Boston beans Uh

ass blaster methamphetamines. I don't

ass blaster methamphetamines I don't

[Music]

Music

[Applause]

Applause

now Trump Trump spoke directly to

pregnant women who might be thinking

about taking Tylenol.

about taking Tylenol

Don't take Tylenol.

Don't take Tylenol

There's no downside. Nothing bad can

There's no downside Nothing bad can

happen. It can only good happen. Okay,

happen It can only good happen Okay

it's that simple. It can only good

it's that simple It can only good

happen.

happen

If take you not pill healthy smart like

my brain did do

my brain did smart.

my brain did smart

It did do. It did do.

It did do It did do

It did do smart.

It did do smart

Now, regardless of whether or not

Now regardless of whether or not

anything he said was factual, this press

anything he said was factual this press

conference is just going to add to the

natural anxiety of expectant parents.

natural anxiety of expectant parents

Again, Republican Senator Bill Cassidy

Again Republican Senator Bill Cassidy

tweeted, "The concern is that women will

tweeted The concern is that women will

be left with no options to manage pain

in pregnancy. We must be compassionate

in pregnancy We must be compassionate

to this problem. And we here at the Late

to this problem And we here at the Late

Show are nothing if not compassionate.

Show are nothing if not compassionate

Which is why we're proud to announce our

newest sponsor who I believe has an

answer to this problem that our

president would approve of.

president would approve of

Being pregnant is hard with general

discomfort, back pain, and headaches.

discomfort back pain and headaches

So, how can pregnant women

So how can pregnant women

tough it out?

tough it out

Introducing the Prescott Pharmaceuticals

Bite Stick, the latest in science-based

Bite Stick the latest in science-based

jaw clenching technology. Here's how it

jaw clenching technology Here's how it

works. When you're pregnant and

works When you're pregnant and

uncomfortable, put the stick in your

uncomfortable put the stick in your

mouth, bite down, and chomp away the

mouth bite down and chomp away the

pain. Bite stick works for fever,

pain Bite stick works for fever

swollen limbs, or when you have to

swollen limbs or when you have to

listen to this.

listen to this

I said, "Well, let's see how we say that

I said Well let's see how we say that

acid

menophen."

menophen

And remember, when you use bite stick,

And remember when you use bite stick

nothing bad can happen. It can only good

nothing bad can happen It can only good

happen.

happen

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

Priscilla is here. And when we come

Priscilla is here And when we come

back, I sit down with California

back I sit down with California

governor gather this.

governor gather this

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